Okay girls, let’s get this over with. It’s time to talk about the birds and the bees. Or not. We could also not talk about it, at all, unless it’s to say that you absolutely shouldn’t do it before there’s a ring on your finger and the man in the sky has blessed the union and said it’s okay. Did you write your questions down? Put your sinful curiosities in this anonymous shame box, there you go. And in case you were wondering, nothing ever goes in the butt. Butts weren’t designed for intakes, if you know what I mean. So feel free to ask questions, but not about that, because nothing ever goes in the butt, girls. Write that down.
I’m too embarrassed to buy condoms at the store. Is there a place I can get them discreetly?
Every time a Catholic girl says “condom,” an angel loses its wings.
I think I might be bisexual, but I’m not sure. How can I explore this and learn more about myself?
There are no bisexuals, only Straights (good) and Bads (Hell-bound). To ensure that you are not betrothed to a Bad, which would make you a Bad by association, check your fiance’s closet before the wedding. If he has more shoes than you, or if anything smells like lavender, end the courtship immediately and call the Pope to report the incident and request an exorcism.
Why does it hurt the first time? Is it because of the hymen?
It only hurts if it’s not part of a sacred love contract between you, your husband, and God. Hymens, like the clitoris, are a myth. Only sluts and Unitarians have them. If you bleed on your wedding night, your parents lied and you were never baptized. Have fun in Hell with the Bads!
Where’s the clitoris?
It doesn’t exist, but don’t worry. The ultimate pleasure comes from doing God’s will.
Does everybody gain weight when they start birth control? My friend Lisa gained ten pounds and now I’m nervous to go on the pill.
Your body will reject the pill if you are a pure, God-fearing young woman. The Fear of God is a fiery inner salve that renders all birth control methods ineffective. Your friend Lisa is a fat Democrat. Tell that fatty she’ll sweat some pounds off when she’s roasting in eternal hellfire!
What about after marriage? Is it okay to use birth control then?
Look, girls. God gave you vaginas for a reason, and it wasn’t so you could enjoy them with a partner you love and trust. Those vaginas are direct tunnels to Baby, the holy bundle of love and Godly life that is your sole reason for existence. Do you know who else had a vagina? Mary, mother of God. Do you know what would have happened if Mary had been on the pill? Jesus would never have been born, and we’d all still be Jews.
I think I could be into anal.
Nothing goes in the butt. Write that down.
Gwen Burns is, among other things, very normal. You can find her work in her personal journals, but please don’t