Your Heaven Welcome Packet. Also, Let Us Explain All The Paintings of Benicio Del Toro

Welcome to Heaven!

We are glad you are here and think your eternal stay will be relaxing and rejuvenating.

This letter is to give you first a quick overview of what to expect and then, we’ll explain why you might see a lot of humongous murals featuring the actor Benicio Del Toro engaging in cartoonish levels of violence.

There is a monorail that leaves Paradise Central every half an hour. The monorail makes all the stops, including Foods Galore (our multi-ethnic supermarket with thousands of yummy foods for your kitchen and thousands of prepared meals) and Nirvana Cinemas (latest releases and popular classic films. Not just religious-themed!)

At Paradise Central Station, you will see a mural of a shirtless, gym-toned Benicio Del Toro viciously beating the Devil with a giant sledgehammer in a boxing ring while a lone spectator,  film director Wes Anderson, watches from the audience.  The mural was paid for and designed by Mr. Del Toro. In his artist statement, he says, “I wanted to show the Devil what happens when you mess with Heaven and also a quick fun homage to Wes. Did a couple movies for him.”

Brief background: Mr. Del Toro is the only mortal allowed to travel between Heaven and Earth anytime he wants. God, in mortal form, was once trapped under a rock, while on a hike in the Santa Cruz Mountains. Also on a hike, Mr. Del Toro saw God struggling and removed the rock using a tree branch as a lever.

When God revealed who He was and offered Mr. Del Toro whatever he wanted, Mr. Del Toro said he wanted a place to hang his detailed oil paintings of himself. Confused, God again noted that Mr. Del Toro could have anything he thought of, and Mr. Del Toro said he only wanted a place to hang pictures of his murals and artwork that depict him beating up different popular icons and celebrities.

God said, “Well, I can get you a nice gallery space on Earth to hang your paintings”. But, Del Toro said, “ I’ll get a real kick out of when the doinks I’m shellacking in the paintings get to heaven, and they see themselves like bloody and stuff from my weapons and fists.”

And God was like, “Okkkkayyyyyyyy.”

We highly recommend the Canopy Walk above Earth, which gives you 360- degree views of the planet. You are also welcome to visit the Still Living Library to watch videos of your loved ones still alive and their selected daily activities.

Also, in the Still Living Library, you may see a painting of Benicio Del Toro pulling actor Josh Brolin’s heart through Brolin’s butthole. This is one of Mr. Del Toro’s favorite paintings; he and Mr. Brolin have been friends since they were 19. In his comments on the painting when we reluctantly asked what it meant, Mr. Del Toro said, “Joshy is going to lose his mind when he gets into this space and sees this. I mean, we laugh all the time about pulling hearts out of buttholes, and this is the ultimate inside joke!”

Feel free to complain about the painting with the librarian on duty. Complaints are reviewed once a calendar year and are carried over into the following calendar year.

Boy, you must be hungry by now!

After a day of adventure (or relaxing in your heavenly abode!), fee free to take advantage of the multiple dining options we offer. You can take the monorail down to Little Heaven where you can dine in many Michelin starred restaurants that overlook the Exinct Animal Santuary. As you eat the finest foods, take in the majestic site of dinosaurs and ancient wildlife roaming and grazing.

There is a three story mural as you enter Little Heaven that tells a story as you walk by it. The first panel shows an over muscular Benicio Del Toro helping children in an orphanage by offering them food and supplies, the second panel is an over muscular Mr. Del Toro riding a dolphin over the arc of a rainbow, shooting a double barrel crossbow into the sky and the last is an over muscular (this time, just in the calves, rest of body, just regular) Mr. Del Toro holding a bloody Samurai sword over the beheaded body of TV doctor Dr. Drew.

God said he could kind of get his head around the first two panels but asked Benicio Del Toro why Dr Drew. And Benicio Del Toro just said, “Thought he seemed like a dipshit.”

So….

Dinner reservations are first come first serve.

You may call or email the Heaven Front Desk  with any concerns and you can also reach out with comments to Benicio Del Toro’s agent Bradley Fulsom at the Creative Artists Agency.