Entries by Joe Schiappa

McDonald’s Shamrock Shake Recall Due To Micro-Shillelaghs

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An investigation is still pending, but McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes are made by Union-supported seasonal work leprechauns. They are allowed several Union-approved “stick-fights” throughout the day, during which they beat the corned beef out of each other with their shillelaghs, while standing on a plank placed over the Shamrock Shake vat. The loser of said match is thrown into the vat with their shillelagh and ground up into the Shamrock Shake.

The Campus Is a Shit Show, but We Planned a Terrific Alumni Weekend!

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11 a.m. Welcome Address from Our New Chancellor (Campus Center) – …And that New Chancellor could be YOU! We will have a Hunger Games-like drawing to decide who will run the college. Your responsibility will include figuring out what to do with the protests, explaining to the media AND parents our point of view (your call as to what that could be), and what we (you, again!) plan on doing going forward.

Excerpts from the Episode of SNL Hosted by COVID-19

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Covid popped up on Weekend Update dressed as a syringe and playing Ozempic. Covid and Colin Jost could not get through the bit without breaking as Ozempic talked in an unexplained Southern drawl that people are more willing to put Ozempic in their body no questions asked than the Covid vaccine, “And, hell, that good for ol’ Ozempic.”