10 Helpful Hints If You’re Lucky Enough To Land an Invite To Harry and Meghan’s Wedding

Don’t just leave your car keys with anyone in a fancy uniform.  There’s a 50/50 chance that’s not the valet, but the father of the groom — Prince Charles

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Liz, Lizzie, Queen, Queenie, are not names Queen Elizabeth will answer to.

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Relax, Harry’s got this.  All the pressure’s on Prince William.  Fact is, if William and Kate have any more heirs, Harry’s chances of becoming King are roughly a little better than any of member of the boy band ‘One Direction.’

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Having watched Simon Cowell on ‘American Idol’ doesn’t count as knowing anyone British.  Don’t bring it up.

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If Prince Charles corners you in small talk, mention how sorry you are that that the being King thing never worked. I hear he likes that.

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Ordering a martini ‘shaken not stirred’ in a terrible British accent was funny the first 17,000 times.  British bartenders are polite, but they do have a breaking point.  This is it.

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Dinner table conversation no-no: ‘Suits: the Movie’ talk.  Too soon.

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If you’re lucky enough to be invited to the special extra exclusive after affair, don’t let the Duchess of York tag along.  Even if she lets you call her Fergie, it’s a trap.

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The Brits are over that whole Revolutionary War thing, but, describing the plot of ‘Hamilton’ as ‘We won! We won!’ is highly not recommended.

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Finally, snap lots of pictures.  Yes, to recall the grand festivities and royal fra-la-la, but also as proof you were actually there.  Because, remember, everything from the napkins to the place cards doesn’t just have a sentimental value -but a value on eBay.  Play it right, and the trip will pay for itself

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