Trumper Stickers (Bumper Stickers Commonly Found On The Trucks Of Trump Voters)

"No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay" "Baby With Tattoos On Board" "If The Van Is A'Rockin', Automated Weapons We're A'Glockin'" and more!

An Influencer Reviews the Cardiologist

Keep in mind, this place is as exclusive as Soho House when it was cool, so forget about a walk-in. You’ll schedule with the office concierge, and it may take months to get off the waitlist. Don’t forget to have your GP vouch for you! They won’t let just anyone seek treatment.

‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School 

Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you’ll call “morning popsies” until they move out.

Ten Sure-Bet Reality Shows Canceled After Initial Approval

Big Mother- Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk.

Podcasts You Should Be Listening To RIGHT NOW!!  No, I'm serious, RIGHT NOW!!  Go, Now!!   Why Are You Still Reading This???

PornHubble: A panel of astronomy geeks hack into the Hubble telescope in order to gain access to the spiciest pornography this perverted globe to offer, and discusses their findings with you, who will soon come to regret your curiosity...

Items Found in Burning Man’s Porta Potties

Spiked corset with whistles and pulleys, Hammer pants with sewn on aerial dance ribbons, Mosaic policeman’s cap with jingle bells, and more!

Pretty Basic Skinny Dip Tips

Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. If you have a really great body, allow others with less-great bodies a few minutes to frolic in the water before making your entrance. And more!

Depressing Karaoke Night

HOST: Oh, you came.  Welcome to Depressing Karaoke Night.  If you’re not bummed yet, you totally will be. 

CARTOON: Grammatical Seasoning

Summer in the Hamptons, then Fall on the floor. Today's cartoon by Fergus Boylan.

CARTOON: Porcupine Orgy

Stick it in! Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper

Lustler Magazine

Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let's Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!

A Peek Inside a College Parent Facebook Page

OK, totally disappointed here. It’s been two hours and Veronique is still alone in her dorm room. How can she live her best college life if no one will even make the effort to meet her? What kind of place is this? Is this how you raised your kids? — Turning the car around, V’s mom

Detective, if You Mess up 18 or 19 More Times You’re off the Case

Look Rodriguez, you know you’re a good cop, I know you’re a good cop, those girl scouts you put in a sleeperhold know you’re a good cop, but that can only keep you here so long. Eventually the mayor is going to wonder if all of your mayhem, destruction, and violations of civil rights and due process are worth the 3% of cases you solve.

Signs That Your Summer Camp Is Actually a Religious Cult

Campfires used for roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, as well as destroying virgin sacrifice remains.

Neighborhood Highlights, According to My Dog

Fence With Dog: This is where my friend Fat Dog lives. This is a great place if you are looking to socialize. And while you are here, be sure to take some big honkin’ snorffs of the billowing waves of his piss steam coming through the fence.

Classy Alternatives for When Your Extra Virgin Olive Oil Isn’t Extra Enough

Cauliflower oil: Cauliflower can do anything! Use it to replace rice, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, or even pizza dough. Cauliflower oil is just as good for frying, and when you use it, you feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.

CARTOON: Swat Team

Buzzing with justice. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

Famous Movie Lines Had They Used A.I.

The Godfather, Star Wars, Terminator, and more really lose their zippy taglines in this illustrated list.

No, I’m Not Prepared To Tell You How I’d Like My Hair Cut

Can you fundamentally change my personality and overall lot in life with this haircut, Dave? Because if so, let’s do it.

CARTOON: Turtle Topper

The lengths we go for love. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Benjamin Moore Paint Palettes Used In The Making Of The Over-The-Top Barbie Movie

Dream Colors for Climate Change: There’s no camouflaging our burning planet. So might as well use paint colors that can be seen miles away in outer space. Maybe in a perfect world we’ll be rescued by a fleet of alien dolls.

CARTOON: Shark Beak

Begins with a fin! Today's cartoon by Catherine Martha Holmes.

What Your Therapist's Couch Says About Them

Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. High chair: A therapist who specializes in child developmental therapy and clients of all ages who throw their food.

CARTOON: Words Matter

Uncalled for! Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Things To Consider When Buying A New Swimsuit

Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won't be allowed into Golden Corral?

You Love This Ad for the Barbie (the Movie)/Progressive Insurance Commercial Barbie (the Doll)–Themed Pinkberry Flavor

This, finally, is the maximum Barbie branding saturation you have been waiting for.

The State of the All-American Hot Dog

The Climate? The Wealth Gap? The Supply Chain? See it as a hotdog! You know you are wondering...

CARTOON: Space Case

Room to breathe? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Responses to the Question, 'Is Your Company Hiring Assassins?'

“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”

The Rise and Fall of My Cat, Former Zoom Celebrity: An Oral History

Dr. Erica Nuñez (pet psychologist): It can be stressful when the power imbalance in the home shifts so dramatically, when suddenly the pet is outshining the owner.

CARTOON: Dessert Defense

Don't care to share? Today's cartoon by Rose Anne Prevec.

Please Do Not Show My Child Michelangelo’s David for I Wish to Bang It

When I consider the balance of the sculpture, still standing five centuries later, I don’t whisper, “behold structural engineering of this masterpiece.”  No. I think, "I hope humping it wouldn’t knock it over.” A piece that stirs such sinful thoughts could never be considered art.

An Actual Conversation About That Episode

Me:  Oh. My. God. Did you see that episode? Other Person:  See it?  I feel like I lived it.  That episode shall dwell inside of me for eternity. Like an indestructible tapeworm. Me:  You’re lucky.  That episode gutted me like a fish. Both emotionally and physically.  I don’t think I took a breath that whole episode. 

I’ve Tried So Hard to Be a Responsible Dog Owner and Yet Somehow I’ve Still Raised an Inconsiderate, Hedonistic Pie Thief

Oh great, you’re throwing up the pie now. And here comes the parchment paper. See this is what I’m talking about.

A Press Conference Following My Dinner At Applebees 

Why did you go to dinner at Applebee’s? That’s something I kept asking myself during the dinner itself. I suppose the easiest answer is guilt. I hadn’t seen my mom in a while, and she asked if I wanted to grab dinner “somewhere nice,” which I took to mean like a steakhouse or something.

CARTOON: Solo Ride

Aww, yes you do! Today's cartoon by K. A. Polzin.

An Awkward Silence In The Car

I just hit that guy with my car, didn’t I? Oh my god. I just hit that guy and he flew over the guardrail and landed perfectly into the bed of a garbage truck going the other way. And I’m still driving!

I Got Tired of Having a Personality, So Instead I’m Wearing This Bucket Hat

I decided the best course of action was to cover the top half of my face with a pink, fuzzy bucket hat. I searched the nearest gutter and found the perfect one. 

New Summer Pool Rules

No peeing in the pool, please! Instead wear a diaper into the pool, and dispose of appropriately later. No alcoholic beverages in or around the pool.  Be a goddamned adult and take drugs instead. And more!

Quiz: Nickname For Trump or Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor

Baby Finger, Dirt Cake, Angry Creamsicle, and more!

Rainbow Capitalism Products That Companies Confidently Assumed the Gays Would Buy During Pride Month

LA Dodgers Rainbow Nun Habit: Missing your favorite drag nuns? Buy this habit from us- the ones who uninvited them from our LGBTQ+ Pride Night in the first place!

Amazon's Choice

Amazon, you're one of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and after a nice pizza dinner, your Choice is to save a large slice of hand-tossed pepperoni in a clear triangular sleeve around your neck before going about your business like nothing is amiss.

Father’s Day Grit Guide From 3M’s Sandpaper Division

420 Grit: A dope micro-grit for the hippie dad who keeps going out to the garage to “look for something” every couple of hours.

2023 Spelling Bee Word or Weight Loss Pill

Xentermine, Probouleutic, OxiPHEX, and more!

CARTOON: Inflight Infatuation

Terrible, tawdry, takeoff! Today's cartoon by Michael Litwak.

Survival Guide For Being Shipwrecked In An Episodic TV Series

You’ll likely be lucky enough to get stranded on the only island on Earth that isn’t susceptible to tsunamis, hurricanes, or climate change at large. Your sandy beaches and shanty town made from your wreckage will remain as picturesque as ever. You actually have it better than your friends back home!   

If You Want To Make It As A Mime, You Need A Brass Pair of Balls

The people out there need mimes, it is easily people's favorite form of entertainment, so what we do matters. I know that if I don’t go out there and exaggerate every facial expression in a comical manner, the fabric of society falls apart.

CARTOON: True Hell

Plus 2 factor authentication! Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

If Famous Crime Movies Revolved Around Kohl's Cash

Point Break: FBI rookie Johnny Utah is tasked with catching a group of masked thieves who rob Kohl’s cashiers at gunpoint for all the Kohl’s Cash in their drawers, plus some checkout line chocolate. Utah learns the bandits are surfers and they have been robbing Kohl’s Cash so they can buy sick surfing graphic tees.

CARTOON: Screen Time

Attention spanned. Today's cartoon by Rachelle Meyer.

Truly Terrible Congressional Cost Cutting Measures

Less expensive prostitutes for out-of- town conferences. Congress looking into ways of potentially harvesting the energy created by massive book burnings. And more!

Unfortunately Fortuitous Quotes From the Animated Film Playing Down the Hall As You and Your Partner Climax

“Ready or not, I’m coming in hot!” -Paw Patrol: The Movie (2021)

CARTOON: Portal Problems

Doubt it will come up anyway. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

News Briefs: Study Reveals Exposure To Life Increases Symptoms Of Depression

Plus: Filthy Christmas Doormat Finally Being Replaced By Way Overdue Spring Doormat, Wife Applies "Birthday Only" Sex Rule To Include Superhero Movies As Well, Remaining Book Club Members Sheepishly Admit The Necronomicon A Bad Idea.

Math Word Problems for Writers 

If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?

I Want You to Have This Book, Which I’ve Read in the Bathroom

The ideal reading experience is on paper, not a screen, because books are tactile. You can tell that this tome has been loved, and now I want to pass it along to you so that you can love it too. The evidence of its having been well-enjoyed is everywhere: Its binding is worn at the edges. Its pages are dog-eared. It has a certain scent.

How To Be A Proper Introvert: A Guide For Extroverts

Congratulations on your decision to take the first step towards changing your life. With this short course, we hope to help you feel confident replacing the chaotic, and quite frankly selfish, lifestyle of drawing your energy from interacting with other people, to a more tranquil, altruistic lifestyle of leaving others the hell alone. Our objective for this tutorial, is to help you grab the social butterfly within you, and kill it.

CARTOON: Multiverse Map

Still hard to find a bathroom. Today's cartoon by John Reynolds.

LinkedIn Through the Ages

SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.

George Washington’s Secret to Glowing Skin

As part of InStyle’s history issue, we’re holding our beauty blenders up to the annals of time to examine the skincare routine of Founding Father George Washington. Your history teacher probably glossed over the fact that Georgie was known from sea-to-shining-sea for his luminous skin and microscopic pores. Keep in mind, this was several years before the popularity of electricity or Vogue’s Youtube channel.

April Fools Day Pranks For Fancy Boys

Switch the Soup Spoon and Main Course Spoon At Supper: Mother didn’t dish out thousands of pounds for eight years to a private etiquette coach for nothing! Switch the placement of Mother’s soup spoon and main course spoon before Saturday night supper with your godparents Lord and Lady Hestingforth. As refined as she is, Lady Hestingforth will surely turn pink with secondhand embarrassment when she sees the haphazard place setting of the fine China we actually use every night. You’ll surely get a spanking and stern talking to from Nanny!

CARTOON: Cash Clothes

Perfect plan. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

News Briefs: Earth Feeling Like Probably Time To Deal With Human Infestation Problem

Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend's Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor's Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.


Beerleading, Mixed Martial Farts, Crack and Field, and more #SpilASport on this week's trending joke game!

Ten Zombie Twists That Haven’t Been Done To Death 

All the weight you’ve ever lost: Seventeen pounds through Weight Watchers, eight pounds through Noom, thirty pounds from a low-carb diet, three pounds from Covid, and six from a smoothie fast—all the fat you’ve lost over the decades is back. It has congealed into a half-ton quivering mass that oozes toward you, dead set on a reunion.

PornHub’s 2nd Most Popular Searches By State

Texas: Choking the chicken.   An actual chicken. South Carolina: CHiPs in chaps Delaware: Rubes with pubes. And more!

CARTOON: Jesus Fish

Low overhead. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

The Eerie Similarities & Distinct Differences Between Cocaine Bear & Smokey the Bear

Cocaine Bear is the star of a major motion picture now in release / Despite 75 years of work in television, Smokey the Bear has never made it to the big screen and is currently seeking new representation

Newest Additions To The Cultural Lexicon

The Accidental Bidet: When the commode accidentally flushes while you're still seated, coating your private area with soiled toilet water. And more!

CARTOON: Balloon Banter

My eyes are down here. Today's cartoon by Jeffrey Curnow.

Conversations I’ve Had With My Playlist 

Undone - The Sweater Song - Weezer: If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away. Me: GOD, NO! It’s gorgeous.

Alternative Names For Wisdom Teeth

Prudent Molars, Insightful Incisors, Astute Fangs, and more!

Movies In the Cocaine Bear Cinematic Universe

Alcohol Walrus, Weed Donkey, Ether Bunny, and more!

CARTOON: Ghostbusters Meet Pac-Man

A ghost of a chance. Today's cartoon by Chris Gural.

CARTOON: Lazy Achievements

The Secret to my Unsuccess. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

News Briefs: Dating Site For Seniors Stymied By Dial-Up Connection

Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.

CARTOON: Cat Person

Allergic to crying. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.


A clown has a handful! Switching to squirt! Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

Wendy's Daily Planner

5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!

What Other Ex-Presidents & VPs Did With Classified Documents

Aaron Burr: Scribbled furiously over every “Hamilton”, Jimmy Carter: Recycled, Dick Cheney: Turned into wallpaper for secret underground mountainside soundproof bunker. And more!

Valentine’s Day Messages, as Dictated by My Kindergartner, Prior to My Suggested Edits

"Cameron. I hope you don't get sent to the cool down zone on Valentine's Day, because then you will miss the Valentine's Party." "Henry. You are so funny with your tiny little smile." And more!

CARTOON: Updated Valentine's Day Candy Hearts

The more things change...Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and John Ficarra.

CARTOON: Shoo Review

Rude food. Today's cartoon by Zack Rhodes.


Throuple Trouble. Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

Start Enjoying This Catalog You Think You’re Too Young To Get

Sure, you can put on your Clash and your Bush and your Kate Bush, but playing them on vinyl doesn’t make you young and wired. It makes you old enough to have the original albums before CDs were invented. Let’s talk tweed.

Better Ways to Lay Off Employees Than Locking Them Out of Their Email

Snail mail, delivered by an actual snail, Elaborate scroll inside the Cryptex from The Da Vinci Code, Inception, and more!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Saints Who Are Always Running Late

“Have ye inquired of the Lord? He was supposed to be here two millennia ago.” - 1 Nephi 15:8

A Camel Explains Why You Can’t Handle Dry January Like They Can

They’re not cut out for the No-2-O lifestyle that animals like me are built for so for them to make a whole month's challenge out of our lifestyle. Well, that’s just par for the course for these idiots that give mammals a bad name.

Life Recipes for Late Twentysomethings

Day-Long Hangover: Wake up cold, confused, and filled with regret. Leave ample time to rise. Add water consistently–too much at once will oversaturate. Infuse Excedrin in between painful realizations you can no longer drink without consequence. Whisk two McGriddles into your mouth while prone on your couch. Remember you have to work tomorrow.

This Year, I Did Something Special for Your Birthday

I made a documentary about you with your family and friends. Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights.


You want fries with that? Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Storage Wars

Also let me know if you find me teeth. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Dog Training for Cowards

Sit and Stay: Ask your dog nicely to sit. If he doesn’t do it, nervously look around to see if anyone noticed him disobeying you. If there’s no one around, pretend you never actually asked him to sit. You will learn to gaslight yourself like this. Similarly, if you ask your dog to stay and he continues to lunge or wander, you must turn it around on yourself. You stay. Stay and wonder why no one ever listens to your requests.

A Guide to Pregaming in Your 40s

EVENT: A concert that starts at 10 pm for no good reason PREGAMING: Crashing on the couch for a 20-minute snooze then inserting Dr. Scholl's insoles into your sensible boots

Lesser Known TV Content Warnings

Mild drug use, bloody scenes of horror, graphic language, rapping vampires. And more!

Notable Author Cameos in the Film Adaptations of Their Books

'Misery', 'Pet Semetary', 'Christine', 'The Running Man', 'The Shawshank Redemption'...In every adaptation of one of his books, Stephen King’s smiling face is visible in the lower left corner of the screen at all times.


Brooklyn Wine Wine, S*M*A*S*H*E*D, According to Gin, and more #DrunkSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Welcome to the Many Seasons of TJ Maxx!

February: love is in the air. It's also in your kitchen, bathroom, and foyer. March: more leprechauns than you will ever need. April: same as March, only with rabbits. And more!

Lesser Known Characters From The Star Wars Universe

Nanneth Korv: Exotic dancer at the Death Star's gentlemen's club, The Emperor Says "No Clothes!".   Frozen in carbonite for causing Darth Vader to suffer messy embarrassment during a lap dance.

Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir

'Cancel Cancel Culture: Canceling Cancelation', 'Me First and You Maybe', 'My Pride and My Prejudice', and more!

Top 20 Predictions For 2023 by Nostradamus’ Cousin Barney

Laura Ingram promises she will no longer brake for babies or kittens. Snoop Dogg will become Speaker of the House. Lincoln Center is converted into pickleball courts. And more!

CARTOON: Followers

What kind of numbers you get? Today's cartoon by Michael Litwak.

CARTOON: New Year's Steve

Your dream date has arrived. Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

Our Gym Would Like to Apologize for Yesterday’s “Train Like A Viking Of Skagafjörður” Workout

It has come to our attention that yesterday’s WoD (workout of the day), The Skagafjörður Viking 9000, has received universal criticism from those in attendance. In an anonymous survey sent earlier today, more than one member mentioned the class caused “explosive head trauma,”“neverending nightmares,” and “plantar fasciitis.”

God's New Year's Resolutions

Finally Fill In Grand Canyon, New Rule That Not All Dogs Go To Heaven, Find Therapist That Doesn't Accuse You Of God Complex, and more!

10 New Year’s Resolutions Jason Definitely Wants Me to Keep This Year

I will sign up for an advanced crochet class to keep my hands busy during Jason’s softball practice (which is every Tuesday and Thursday). I will go to the gym, but only the one where the local softball team, the Beavers, work out. I will not let my past failures to become Jason’s girlfriend define me. And more!

CARTOON: Elf Problems

Back in the toy shop. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

CARTOON: Happy Hellidays

Saw that coming. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: Gunny Grandma

Someone's been naughty. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Christmas Song Lyrics that Go Hard to Sell You a New or Preowned Vehicle

“We need a little Christmas right this very minute,” and you need a rebuilt aftermarket Hyundai Sonata in your driveway ASAP. A giant red velvet bow will cover most of the hail damage. (Bow sold separately.)

Mrs. Claus' Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List

Place Frosty's magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa's "Naughty Dungeon". Deep down, he's a good man; we all have our vices. And more!

Power Ranking The Best and Worst Mall Santa Laps For My Children 

#3 McKinley Mall: There was something off about this mall Santa but I couldn’t put my finger on it. So I placed my two cheeks on his lifeless lap and from that second I knew: this mall Santa was dead. Yep, a corpse dressed up in a Santa suit. It’s pretty unclear whether he died on the job or they had a hard time filling the role this Christmas season.

Financial Terms, According To My Teenager

Gross Margin: Penis doodles along the edges of your Great Expectations book. Margin Call: The phone call your parent receives after the teacher spots your Gross Margin. And more!

FOOD & WHINE Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue

The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!

CARTOON: Parents Plans

See you in 15-20. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Full Frontal

Backless is in. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch

The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it's topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch.  Below is the transcript of that talk.

We at the Bob Committee Are Here to Diversify Your Company

Finding a replacement CEO can be stressful. For every million dollar salary and annual incentive-based award of $25 million, there are very few candidates who are right for the job. It’s a challenge we at the Bob Committee know well. From Bob I. to Bob C. back to Bob I., we are here to help diversify your company with white men over 60 named Bob.

9 Classic Cocktails for Dreaded Family Gatherings

Old Fashioned Passive Aggressive Barb: Served by your mother-in-law, this multi-layered concoction includes everything from your parenting choices to the fact you use avocado based mayonnaise and returned a shower gift nine years ago. Top with a maraschino cherry, unless that’s “not organic” enough for you.

The Final Diary Entries From the Turkey That The President Did Not Pardon

Just as I begin to feel at peace with my impending death, I think about the turkey that the president is pardoning tomorrow. It isn’t fair. I don’t even know who it is yet, but it isn’t fair. If it’s Marvin and his ball sack-looking ass neck I’m gonna scream.

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage

OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.

CARTOON: Dominatrix Divorce

Bad hurt, not good hurt. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively.

Things Not To Ask Your Doctor About

P.E. ( Pasta Elbow) P.A.B ( Passive Aggressive Breathing while sleeping) and more things to not ask your doctor about.'s Exchanges & Returns

Before you publicly announce your intention to purchase this long standing social media site please be sure of the following: Log onto Twitter and ask yourself, "Do I want this?" I mean it. Open Twitter and actually say out loud, "Do I want to be the owner of this nightmare?"

Fight Or Flight Or Flex

You’re walking along and you see a house engulfed in flames. Fight: You immediately run into the house and rescue the family trapped inside. Flight: You get out of the way, giving firefighters space to rescue the family trapped inside. Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex really hard at the house fire with the family trapped inside.

CARTOON: Size Matters

Maybe something with stripes? Today's cartoon Nick Downes.

CARTOON: Quit Quitting

Or loud layoffs? Today's cartoon by Lance Hansen and Rebecca Clifton.

As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me

I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.

I’m the Cologuard Box, and I Can Diagnose your Personality Disorder

Who takes a cute little box with a face and limbs and rips him open to insert poop? I’ll tell you who–people with problems. Which is why I’m now equipped to tell you what’s wrong with your personality. And believe me, there is something wrong with you. You’re pooping in a box.

CARTOON: Spacey Housing Market

That shack on Mars looks like a gift. Today's cartoon by Frega DiPerri.

Looming Threat of a Recession? Here's 8 Surefire Money Saving Tips!

Make Showering Dates: What better way to get to know that causal Facebook acquaintance or neighbor than to ask to use their shower? One look into their bathroom cabinet and you’ll find everything you need to know about them (even painfully intimate details). And, not only will you save on your water bill by racking up theirs, you’ll increasing your lifespan! Studies show people with more social connections live longer!

I Am Happy with My Choice to Remain Childless. Also, Call Me “Uncle Jon.” You Must Care for Me When I Am Old. 

Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.

Transcript From The Recent Emergency Meeting Of The Multiversal Council Of Kanyes

Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I'm sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND- Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?


Death Scab For Cutie, R.E. Phlegm, Gangrene Day, and more #RevoltingRockBands on this week's trending joke game!

Introducing The Royal Court of Anxiety

Oh dear. I am the queen mother of my daughter hasn’t texted back today and I think it’s probably botulism. And more!

Spoiled: A Visual Diary of Compromised Groceries

I left my fridge cracked open all night. Please do not judge me. It was very much an accident and I very much need your help. In our current apocalypse, I can’t afford to throw out anything unnecessarily. After all, groceries are gold, and we will soon be forced to use soft cheeses and gluten free English muffins to barter with Bezo-Muskians for safe passage off Earth! Is it spoiled?

'So Your Fiancée Woke Up with a Pumpkin Head, Now What?'

Now that there’s a huge pumpkin head walking around your house - meals are going to be a little trickier than normal. If however you eat all of your meals alone while hiding in a closet then please, skip this step. Food is going to be a problem because your lover has no way of eating it - she just has three goofy teeth and no jaw motion whatsoever.

Spooky High is Closing

For more than 200 years, Spooky High has been the preeminent educational facility in this area for young monsters, supernatural entities, and horrifying creatures, all seeking to learn in a safe environment free from the persecutions and distractions of the mainstream world. Our alumni are world-renowned, including the Frankenstein creation, six generations of Blobs, all seven Mummy siblings, and a real zombie who was in the “Thriller” video.

Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms

Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation, and a couple more.

Vegetable-Inspired Halloween Candy No One Wants 

Jolly Radishes, Sour Patch Kales, York Bell Peppermint Patties, M&Ms (Mushrooms & Mushrooms) and more!

I’m Sorry for Wearing a Sexy Nurse Costume to Your Event But It’s Kinda Your Fault for Having It Close to Halloween

I’m sorry I invited 10 random people to your private family and friends shindig and told them it was going to be a rager. I’m sorry they showed up.

Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials

If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn't Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer's vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!

I, Michael Myers, Want a Restraining Order Against Laurie Strode

I’ve been shot, stabbed, lit on fire, poked through the eye with a wire hanger — the list goes on. All have been her doing. Other acts of violence have been outright demeaning as well. Just last year, while a vicious mob had me surrounded in the street, some old lady struck me with, of all things, an iron. Like I’m just one big joke.

I Will No Longer Unsubscribe

Just for fun, I post my social security number on Reddit. I change all my passwords to “whatever,” and my security questions to Highlights Magazine word-searches. I change my political affiliation to “undecided, seeking suggestions.” I start trials on every streaming service, even fake ones like Paramount+. Like an unsupervised child, I allow any and all cookies. I haven’t cleared my cache in weeks and yet, mentally, I’ve never been clearer. Instead of URL I see “You are loved.”