Posts

CARTOON: Eternally Stubborn

Mind is made up! Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

NOW CASTING: Romantic Lead For New Wave Reality Dating Show Filmed Primarily In A Sensory Deprivation Chamber

Get ready to Stockholm Syndrome your way into a dubiously legally-binding marriage with the least financially stable, most emotionally volatile, sentient pair of swim trousers you’ve ever met on our new dating show, Sex Fest Island. The twist? There’s no sex and you’re trapped 30 feet underground in a dark, dark chamber devoid of warmth or feeling. You are technically on an island, though. 

Even Though the Office Is Still Completely Engulfed in Flames, I’m Gonna Need You All to Come Back in Full Time

That said, going forward I expect everyone to come in at least 40 hours a week, which, coincidentally, is the exact amount of time that the human body can withstand such temperatures before their internal organs begin to melt. Failure to show up for the full 40 hours will be taken as your resignation.

Horror or Hallmark? 

Horror OR Hallmark: Character gets trapped somewhere they don’t want to be due to weather - a freak snow storm, for example A: Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, he’s going to get you now…and make you his bride! ( That was an easy one. No? Still confused? Jeez, ok try a few more...)

Sedona's Bell Rock Energy Vortex Yelp Review: One Star

The only way to feel the electricity in this sacred electromagnetic hotspot is to bathe in the red dirt. But I couldn't feel anything with elderly tourists watching. They kept yelling "please stop" and "is she ok?" as I stripped to my birthday suit. I heard one woman smack her husband. Following Reddit's advice, I rubbed the sacred soil into every crevice of my face, thighs, and buttocks.... And nada!

Zillow Listing for Ted Cruz’s Special Place in Hell

Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people! Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record. Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun...

Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly

1939 - 40 New York World's Fair-   During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is accidentally spilled onto the stage, resulting in the first known instance of what eventually comes to be known as breakdancing.

Our Favorite Authors and Their Favorite Drugs

Edgar Allen Poe: Heroin, 100%. I mean this dude basically invented heroin chic. Wandering around, a gaunt little skeleton man writing about death and insanity. Birds are talking to him, he can hear hearts beating under floorboards, and he looks like he hasn’t seen sunlight in decades. 

Level With Me...How Exactly Is The Multiverse Different From Our Universe?

No chicken nuggets; instead, unicorn nuggets. There is no Star Trek, but there are still plenty of other reasons why guys can't get laid. And more!

#ColdCopShows

Thaw and Order, Chill St Blues, Coldlumbo, and more #CopCopShows on this week's trending joke game!

Modern YOLO Alternatives

IDAHO POTATO: I’m Distressed About Housing Options and Priced Out of Tons of “Affordable Town” Opportunities

Yoga Poses To Help You Feel Closer To Death

Mountain of Regret Pose: While seated, hug knees to your chest and drop your head into your legs, so that your shadow resembles a mountain. Hold it there as a way of drowning out the sounds of all your poor life choices surrounding you. Many prefer an alcoholic beverage to enhance the effects of the Mountain of Regret pose, but please exercise moderation, or you will find yourself stuck in this pose indefinitely.

CARTOON: Home Office Management

No place to hide. Today's cartoon by Len Hawkins.

Michael Bay Punches Up Classic Literature

Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville: First of all, love the title. Hilarious. Not everyone can do comedy, but Herman, you got the gift, man. Secondly, there’s some great bones in this idea. Crazy guy versus a big ass sea monster? Awesome. I dunno how I feel about it being a white whale, though. How about a giant shark? Or, better yet, some kind of alien robot that shoots lasers out of its eyes. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Senator Susan Collins Reacts to Other Sidewalk Chalk Art

I do not care for the look of this guy. What’s all the smirking about? Smells like trouble – and loitering in front of my property on top of that? I don’t think so. I want him erased. Or better yet, behind bars.

CARTOON: Cat Island

Keep looking. Today's cartoon by Catherine Martha Holmes.

#StonedSitcoms

Leave It To Reefer, Herb Your Enthusiasm, Parks & Recreational Drugs, and more #StonedSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

Seat Guru for Kids

Submitted by Allison Haight: Row 18 is full of ancient graffiti. Fascinating reading and you can really learn a lot about the old days. They were very politically active. There is a “Foreigner Rules” scribbled on the seat. I spotted an anti-France message, “Bon Jovi Sucks.” And on the top left corner it says, “DEF LEPPARD,” written by some animal activist.

So, You’re a Scarecrow Looking to Change Professions

You’ve figured out what role to pursue and are ready to chase it - that’s great! What’s the first step? Or, in your case, the first “stand completely still”? 

Disney Unveils Plot For New “Reedy Creek Improvement District” Princess Movie

You see Creekerella recently stood behind a group of marginalized people who Fairy King DeSantis was trying to smite. Officially, Creekerella, The Reedy Creek Improvement District, and the Walt Disney Co always support marginalized people. Sometimes they just take a little time to assess the financial and political fallback, as is good business.

AGE DISCRIMINATION COMPLAINT: HANSON   V.  “THE GUYS”

This is an action seeking behavior modification and redress for damages from relentless and cumulative incidents of age discrimination. Plaintiff alleges James “Jimmy” Decker, 37; Mike “Groggy” Boulheim 35; and Geoff “Zippo” Rinaldi, 38 (“The Guys”), have treated Plaintiff differently since his 40th birthday, regarding his opinions and cultural references as “outdated and irrelevant.”

Hi, I’m Joe Pesci and I’ll Be Your Dental Hygienist Today

Seeing these gums, I gotta ask, how many times a week do you floss? Notice I didn’t ask how many times a day, because people who floss daily don’t jump and bleed as they get their teeth cleaned. So, I repeat myself, how many times? Go ahead, take your time answering while I grab a different scaler. Pick the right words, go have lunch, then get back to me. 

CARTOON: Garden of Eat'n

No brainer. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

More Musk For Your Buck! Elon Musk's Planned Twitter Changes...

A special audio notification for all Twitter Platinum members, which goes off only in the event that my army of cyborg assassins is unleashed upon the unwashed masses, and allows you plenty of time to get settled into your spacious and luxurious underground bunker.

A Sea Turtle With a Plastic Straw Stuck Up Its Nose Has Some Thoughts on Recycling

And when you’re not dumping your plastic straws into my goddamn living room, you’re playing spin the bottle with the global thermostat. I mean, what’s going on? One day it’s burning up the next day it’s snowing in Texas.

CARTOON: Potty Mouth

Awareness has its draw backs. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

#RandyCandy

Reese’s C-Cups, Mike and Ike and Suzy, The Poly Rancher, and more #RandyCandy on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Bagel Problems

Get him nice and toasted. Today's cartoon by Jeff Hobbs.

CARTOON: Unreal Estate

Need more space? Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

The Last Supper If Jesus Christ Was An Instagram Influencer

Dinner will be held during golden hour at 7 p.m sharp. If you are late, you will not be in the photo. A stone will be rolled in front of the door as soon as I break the bread. 

A Letter From the Easter Bunny to the World’s Candymakers, RE Upcoming Changes

This Sunday, in lieu of your fine products, each household on my distribution list will receive a special NFT (in France, an N Oeuf T): a one-of-a-kind virtual plastic egg filled with virtual candy.

An Open Letter To Whoever Is Abandoning Their Used Underwear On The Shower Towel Hook At The Gym

Towel hooks should only be used for towels, not underwear. Think I’m being too vigilant? Consider that you’ve been sweating into your skivvies for long enough that your sweat has overwhelmingly stained the fabric, transforming them into a disgusting Rorshack test. I’m not even sure if, in their current state, we can still refer to them as underwear. No, they’re more like a sweat rag with an elastic waist.

FAQ About My Brother-in-Law Absolutely Destroying My Toilet

When talking to my brother-in-law about the toilet he absolutely destroyed, I am bound by family honor. On the other hand, when sharing my experience with strangers on the internet, my allegiance lies with my felled toilet. I am handling both situations with aplomb.

Fresh Alternatives To Dying

Hahahahahahahahahahah ur KILLING me! LMFAO on my way to death! LOL omg moving west to take a job working in the mines

What To Expect When You're Expecting Extraterrestrials 

Keep It Classy-ish: If you decide to invite our friends from beyond the stars into your home for a casual chat, please do your best to make a good impression. For example, best to keep the tv off, but if you must keep it on, steer clear of things like The Bachelor and Fox News. I mean, c'mon... you're just making the rest of us look bad.

How to Live With an Aggressively Comfortable Couch

Approach the couch with caution. Do not allow the couch to make initial contact. Go about your business and refrain from reaching down to caress premium chenille or velvet fabrics. If the couch nudges or bumps you for contact, stand still and slowly turn off “The Great British Baking Show.”

CARTOON: Bald Spot

Maybe try a cold comb over? Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

Totally True Oscar Facts

Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, and Jack Nicholson are secretly all the same man. Disney's Dumbo is the first NC-17 film to ever be nominated. No one has ever seen The English Patient. And more!

CARTOON: Downhill

Some bad news...Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Sun Fun

Photosynthesis and a water please. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

We Are Flowers, and We’re Here to Melt Your Fucking Face Off

Are you ready for this, my barren rock garden babies? Can you handle it? Well, then let’s go! Shrink your goddamn pupils, mother fuckers -- these savage hues are going to char your cones.

More Obscure Ways Of Bringing Back Luck

Having your nipples pierced in a construction site porta potty. And more!

Instructions For You If My Pants Are On Fire

So, my pants are on fire and I’ve handed you this card. You’re probably thinking, “Uhh, say whaaa??” Well, pull yourself together, Gilligan. Every second is critical right now.

The Shocking True Story Of Why 6 Was Afraid Of 7

The real reason 6 was afraid of 7 had little to do with 8, 9, 10, or even 11. You see 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 was 6’s bookie and 6 got in a little too deep. 

CARTOON: Hanging Out

Cute Cuticles! Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

Things That Go Bundt In The Night: Treats To Terrify Your Taste Buds

Magic Ate Ball: A Magic 8 Ball covering in rich, delicious caramel and drizzled with candy sprinkles. When will you be able to pass this beast? Reply hazy.

How to Avoid Scams That Target Senior Citizens Like You and Me

Luckily, you’ve got Gus to tell you what you should be vigilant against out there. Here are the most common scams targeting seniors right this second. THE HARRY TRUMAN, BUTTERSCOTCH, ANDREWS SISTERS MARRIAGE SCAM, and more!

Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Protects Our Most Vulnerable — People Who Are Still Homophobic in 2022

Regardless of how you feel about this bill, you have to admit that it does protect a vulnerable group of people. Just like alligators, homophobic people in 2022 are Florida’s largest export to New York through the sewer system. And also like alligators, they only bite if provoked. And unprovoked. And anytime they hear any word that starts with the letters “GA.” 

You Can Be Anything You Want! And Other Lies We Tell Girls About the Professional World

Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.

My Best Guess at What Those Six Different Vagacials Currently Offered at My Salon Are

The Zamboni *Specialty procedure. Inquire at reception. Not suitable for women under 40.

CARTOON: Medical Marvel

And he works for prize tickets. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

CARTOON: CaveTV

Early parental warnings. Today's cartoon by John Reynolds.

Queasyriders Magazine

Riding My Hog, Sick As A Dog, Food Poisoning Or Real Poisoning; How To Tell If It Was Bad Shrimp Or Your Old Lady’s Trying To Kill You, and more in this issue of Queasyriders Magazine!

All the New Rules in Major League Baseball

Baseline obstacle accounting. Beehives will be played about every four feet along both the first and third baselines, and the bees will be angry.

Questions That Couples on Love Is Blind Should Ask Next Season for Way More Successful Relationships

How many times do you typically snooze your alarm in the morning? What is the correct pronunciation of GIF? Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Why or why not?  And more!

#DogADessert

Barklava, Terriermisu, Hound Cake, and more #DogADessert on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Back To Work

Plus I'm out of coffee. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Every Interview With a 1970s Hollywood Producer

Interviewer: Exactly how much cocaine did you do in the 1970s? *Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs to the second to last step on the ladder, so he can hold out his hand and give an accurate representation regarding the height of a mass cocaine mountain.

At the NYT Op-Ed Desk, We Pride Ourselves on a Rich Journalistic Tradition of Publishing Shit That Doesn’t Really Matter but Will Make People Mad on Twitter

We’re not in the business of making friends. We’re in the business of spitting out half-baked cancel-culture articles with no real merit or backbone that systematically reduce America’s trust in journalism institutions. We’re brave. And no one can silence us. Except ourselves.

CARTOON: Fido Fix

Tail is extra wagging. Today's cartoon by Mike Shiell.

Little Debbie's Got A FAQ For You

We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it's becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they're close to being extinct or something? We'll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I'll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn't sound quite as appetizing.

Excerpt from Mick Jagger's Time in Analysis

MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction. THERAPIST: Isn't this starting to feel a bit repetitive for you?  MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no girl reaction. THERAPIST: That doesn’t sound like what you told me in last week’s session.

I’ve Got My Online Security Locked Down

You need a credit card number? Joke’s on you, because every piece of my buying habits you get, I get a few points closer to a free scarf from Banana Republic.

#TerrifyingToys

Tragic 8 Ball, Fearby, Speak & Hell, and more #TerrifyingToys on this week's trending jokes game!

If Cyrano de Bergerac Was an Episode of Catfish: The TV Show

NEV: Dearest Catfish - I think I met the love of my life, Christian. I saw him from afar and I just knew he was the one. [Soft indie pop music plays during the voiceover] He started sending me letters and wowza—this boy is a poet! I was even telling my big-nosed cousin Cyrano about how my boyfriend was so intellectual, but then…something weird happened. I don’t know what to think anymore, and I need help! 

CARTOON: Brain Drain

Morning meeting. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

REVIEW: The Batman

It’s Emo Batman Versus the Zodiac Killer in a Reboot That—if Anything—Is Shorter Than Justice League

CARTOON: GumBalled

Waste not, want not. Today's cartoon Lynn Hsu.

CARTOON: Gruff Guru

Know the meaning of 'peace & quiet'? Today's cartoon by T.J. Mahaffey

Upcoming Family Interventions

Uncle Frank: We’ve survived three Trump Thanksgivings. What we cannot stand for is you now finding God. Location: If you get vaccinated, your favorite restaurant.

Columbo Makes His Wife a Smoothie

Now, mid-blend something dawns on me. I notice an odd ratio between frozen fruit and juice. Could it be that I’ve mixed them up? I can see by your nodding that you know me all too well. Instead of 2 cups of fruit to 1 cup of juice, I flipped it. So essentially, instead of a smoothie, I’m making you a more refined juice! Columbo, you klutz.

CARTOON: Lost & Found

Maybe an early red flag. Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

Wow, I Thought I Was Having A Psychotic Episode But It Was Just That Weird Suction Noise My Water Bottle Makes

And, yes, my overactive imagination probably had something to do with it too. You know me, always getting carried away!

CARTOON: Fairy Godfather

Take your shoes, leave the cannoli. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

Welcome to Our Town’s Walking Tour Where We Choose to Focus on Abraham Lincoln’s Visit Here and Not That Famously Bad Thing That Happened in the 80s

Thank you for meeting me here under this lamppost at 3:30PM, and welcome to my hometown’s walking tour. As most of you know, our town is famous because – for a 22-hour period of time – our nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, stayed here. Yep, that’s what we’re known for. Nothing else. No matter what a certain HBO documentary might lay out in graphic detail. Anyway, let’s get started!

How I Met Your Show Runner

ESPN's 'How I Met Your Father's Bookie' and more "How I Met Your...' in development!

CARTOON: Muzzled Mocking

Opted Out. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

9 Interesting Facts About Babies For People Thinking About Having One

A personal frustration, but when my baby was born I was shocked to learn that he hadn’t seen any of the Rocky movies. I remember once when I was burping him in a crowded park and someone’s phone rang with “Eye of the Tiger” as the ringtone and I said to my baby “Rocky III, nice!” And I could tell based on his wide-eyes and lack of response that the little guy had no idea what I was talking about.

How Romeo and Juliet Would Have Ended if Written By Children's Authors

Judy Blume- JULIET: Are you there, God? It’s Me, Juliet. I just kissed this boy at a party and it turns out my family hates him! I should probably listen to them, but he’s so cute! Please help me decide.

What You Saw Last Night Was a Natural Expression of Love Between Two People With CPAP Machines

Sometimes, couples who share a diagnosis of obstructive sleep apnea discover that they also share an interest in experimentation with forcing pressurized air through hose delivery systems, thus accidentally revolutionizing their sex lives. We hope that one day you find someone you love this much, and when you do, you can entrust them with your heated tubing.

Swipe Left Club

Not everybody gets swiped right on dating APPs. Some people get swiped left. Chalk it up to a bad haircut, a sick fetish, or a prison record, but some people just have that certain je ne sais quoi that can only be found in books, though not bestsellers. Excerpted from SwipeLeftClub.com a new illustrated series by J.C. Duffy.

Our Valentine’s Day Prix Fixe Menu Does NOT Allow for Substitutions, Because YOU MADE A COMMITMENT TO IT 

Root Vegetable Salad: Artichoke hearts, hearts of palm, and heart-shaped beet carpaccio. You promised to eat this salad when you made the reservation; that’s a public covenant we take very seriously. Do these veggies go well together? They should. But going well together takes effort. 

Talkward w/ guest Haley McGee

This episode's guest is author and comedy performer Haley McGee! We have a wonderful chat about dating and the value of the gifts from an ex. Her new book, 'The Ex-Boyfriend Yard Sale' is out now. Check it out! http://www.haleymcgee.ca

Thank You for Inviting Me to Your Super Bowl Party, But Why is This Nothing Like Friday Night Lights?

And did that fumble happen because the player is troubled by his girlfriend’s recent betrayal? Or because his ego is out of control and he’s been lazy at practice? Until I know his underlying emotional journey, I’m struggling to give a damn, honestly.

Situations When Breakfast Cereals Other than Life Flash Before Your Eyes

Total — You’ve taken your girlfriend shopping, and after she’s brought everything up to the register, you see the amount you’ll be paying

Play FRUGLE! The New Word Game That Will Never Go Up Behind A Paywall

Call a friend and ask them to think of a five letter word but not tell you what it is. Guess the word.

You're Leaving The Playground All Wrong

Wait, why is your toddler yelling that you’re a stranger who’s trying to lure her out of the playground with candy? Did you hear that - your daughter used the word “lure.” She has a GREAT vocabulary. Oh, right, not really the point. Take her hand and start walking out of the playground. No, she shouldn’t be screaming like that. Oh wow, that’s a lot of cop cars. 

CARTOON: Sweat Treats

Words matter. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson

Enjoy Your Weekly Humorist Article, Hartford

Hartford’s area codes are 860 and 959: Whenever someone talks about “life in the 860 or 959,” if that’s something they do, maybe that’s what they’re talking about. I’m not sure what slang terms Hartford folk use to discuss their city.

Updates on Your Dad’s New Year’s Resolutions

I'm already so much better looking than all of my friends, do I really want to be in better shape, too? I tried flossing every day, but you said I was embarrassing you in front of your friends. And more!

CARTOON: World Wide Worst

Starts somewhere. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Chopped

Give the chef a hand. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

Quiz: Pokémon or Cryptocurrency

Shiba Inu, Gordor, Tezos: Which is Pokémon OR Crypto?

CARTOON: Punk Wash

Metal on the inside. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

#DisgustingDisneyMovies

The Little Sperm Maid, Seeping Booty, Beauty and the Yeast and more #DisgustingDisneyMovies on this week's trending joke game!

It’s My Job as Governor to Protect Florida From the Ever-Encroaching Threat of Self Awareness

The real virus sweeping the nation is self-awareness. As a lawmaker in the great state of Florida, it is my duty to the people to protect them (white) from ever wondering, even for a second, why grandpa changed the channel every time Family Matters came on. 

An Update on the Oompa Loompa Unionizing Efforts

What Do We Want? Hazard pay for experimental candy testers, a properly sanitized chocolate meadow, bathroom breaks, commuting access to the Wonkavator, yearly cost of living increases, one guaranteed sick day each, and to be paid henceforth in pound sterling, not cocoa beans. We are sick of cocoa beans.

Most Common FAQ for Wummies Weed Gummies

"Is it advisable to take a gummy before going out to have dinner with friends? And are they really my friends? Why are they all looking at me like that? And why is the waiter trying to read my mind?"

CARTOON: Magic Medical

But is THIS your card? Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

CARTOON: Competition

Expanding reach. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

We Are Here To Inform You That Our Queen Cover Band Only Plays ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love'

When you come to view us we hope that you will respect that for 80 mins you will only hear various versions of the 1979 hit, and we would appreciate it if you don’t yell out other song requests.

CARTOON: Dusty Duds

It's a classic! Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

New Dating Apps That Hopefully No One Will Ever Need

Fist A Cyst, Raunch Dressing, Insurrection Erection, and more!

Aggressive Optical Illusions

Is this a perfect square? Or is perfection a foreign concept to someone like you?

A Viewer’s Guide to What Would Have Been the 79th Annual Golden Globes

A moment will occur, which people will talk about on social media and meme to high heaven. Most likely a saucy comment made by a British winner or a funny face made by an awkward bystander that is up on stage but doesn’t get to speak into the microphone.

Shiv Roy’s Tips for How To #GirlBoss Your Way Through Losing Control of the Family Company

Don’t Trust Anybody: When shit’s falling apart, don’t trust anybody. Don’t trust your friends, don’t trust your mother, don’t trust your husband. If you’re going to trust anyone, only trust me when I say not to trust anyone. And more!

My Proudest Accomplishments From 2021

Used my 401k to purchase land and develop a nudist community for those with psoriasis called Flakey Acres.

QUIZ: Do You Have a Celebrity Crush or an Unhealthy Attraction to Sexy Psychopaths?

Which of the following do you fantasize about? a. A night of hot sex with the actor who portrays the villain, being fully aware that you may never see him again, and he may not remember your name. b. A night of hot sex with the villain (you know he’ll never kink-shame you) being fully aware that he may forgo a postcoital cuddle in favor of sneaking out to perform assorted evil deeds

CARTOON: Snow Plowed

Icy implants. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Santa’s Most Surprisingly Requested Gifts

This Is Not A Vibrator!  Personal Massager: Comes packaged in a container with “This Is Not A Vibrator!” printed in bold type to let the others celebrating the holiday with you know that, in no uncertain terms, this personal massager is definitely not going to be used as a mechanical penis.

I’m a Christmas Elf and There’s Nothing Festive About My Legs Dangling From This Car’s Trunk

In a disheartening and disgusting twist of fate, it seems people are actually amused by the site of my nearly severed legs flapping helplessly in the wind. It taunts me to hear people’s giddy reactions to my plight: “Oh my gosh, look at those adorable elf legs! Isn’t that cute, they’re sticking out from the trunk. How festive!” What’s wrong with you, can’t you see I need help?

Seven Festive Medleys For the 2021 Holiday Season

You better watch out/ You better not fly/ You better mask up/ I’m telling you why/ Omicron is coming to town.

CARTOON: Rock Star

B.C. Business. Today's cartoon by Shannon Wheeler.

CARTOON: Dog Classless

New on streaming. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

To Say Hi to Someone You Recognize On The Street, or Not?

While walking your dog in the park, you swear you see a person from your weekly adult dance class walking her dog nearby: DO YOU: Your dog is the perfect excuse to walk a little closer to see if it’s an acquaintance with whom you can share a polite greeting. OR Now’s the perfect time to pop open your false tooth and bite into the cyanide pill you’ve been storing for this exact scenario.

Assertiveness Training for Geese

At H.O.N.K., we believe in equality. A bold vision of a future in which all humans are equally terrified of geese. Where geese hold our rightful place at the top of the New Jersey Merrill Lynch corporate headquarters artificial pond food-chain. We are facilitating a 360-degree rebrand on the whole goose and nothing but the goose.

I’m The Cookie Monster And It’s Time I Stop Limiting Myself In Terms Of Cookies

I’ve spent my entire existence being hyper-transfixed on one particular snack, a snack that’s evolved. It’s like I was living under a rock, a rock-hard chocolate chip cookie that’s been baked too long that I could barely chew with my non-existent teeth.

Beware of Humans at the Dog Park

The Anti-Neuterer: Refusing to “fix" their male dogs, seemingly proud of their descended testicles swaying in the wind. Subsequently, Fido winds up humping everything in sight, no matter the gender or species. If only more humans listened to Bob Barker’s advice.

Children’s Book Ideas For Bored, Out-Of-Touch Celebrities

Little House on the Canaries, Martha Speaks to the Manager, The Very Hungry IRS, and more!

CARTOON: Spy Guy

Free streaming. Today's cartoon by Shannon Wheeler.

CARTOON: Cyber Monday

Shocking excitement! Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

CARTOON: Sign Fines

Misdirections. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

CARTOON: Shock Shlock

What would become to be known as the lowest point. Today's cartoon by Jeffrey Curnow.

Straight Guys: Love 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner & Body Wash? Meet Your New Must-Haves

5-in-1 Scented Spray: Cologne, Air Freshener, Deodorant, Detergent & Breath Spray. When it comes to strong, masculine scents, here is the truth most people won’t tell you: more is more.

Thrilling Thanksgiving Thrillers!!!

Gone Gravy Gone, The Fat & The Furious, The Hunt For Red Wine In November, and more!

The Forbes 10 Under 10

If you’ve driven around the greater Houston area over the past few months, undoubtedly you’ve noticed that there’s a new playboy in the midst. Donning sunglasses with blue flames and traveling at speeds upwards of 5 MPH, Matthew “Matty” James has quickly become one of the most influential four year olds in town.

Top Reasons Cited For Not Showing Up To The January 6th Committee

Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr , Totally booked between Pro-Life rallies and secret abortions, and more!

No, I Don’t Have A Gambling Problem And Here’s My Bank Statement From My Family Trip To The Carnival To Prove It

Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Milk bottle game: –$3 Attempt to pay off the carnival game worker: –$25

I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation to Beef

My enemies list is highly exclusive and that membership has been closed since you were an ill-considered gleam in your whiskey-addled father’s eye.

Snap, Crackle, Pop, Slurp: An Oral History

SNAP: All was going well. Kellogg’s was happy. CRACKLE: But Slurp was really hitting the milk hard. It started with Skim, but he was on Whole benders soon enough.

CARTOON: Shell Game

Don't get so steamed! Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

The Online Reviews I’m Endlessly Scrolling to Find

Finally: The Most Comfortable Pants In The World That No One Will Say Look Comfortable: I’ve worn these outside the house at least twenty different times and not one person (knock on wood) has said, “I like your pants, they look super comfortable.” Instead, they just say the first part of that sentence and then stop. I am amazed!

CARTOON: BatFail

I can also Batsplain to you about BatCoin! Today's cartoon by Shannon Wheeler.

CARTOON: Frown Clown

Thats why your nose is so red. Today's cartoon by Scott Masear.

Reasons That I'm Not Coming To Your Baby Shower

You're not having a baby;  you're considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year.     Look, that's great and all, but I'm not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever.    You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.

Amendments to Your Wedding Guest List From Your Mom

Remove: The Caterers You’ve Hired: Tell them they won’t be needed, or welcome. Your Nonna said she would take care of all the food and that a family meal would be her wedding gift. She’ll unfortunately be stirring the gravy during your ceremony, so you’ll have to get married again at a later date for her to watch. Maybe the second time can be in a church instead of on some bucolic estate?

CARTOON: Goals

Settling. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

How To Do The Impossible: Getting Water Out of a Tire

Build a tire swing and swing all the way around the branch, Add cheese sauce mix, 1 tablespoon of butter, boiled noodles, and eat mac ’n’ cheese out of the tire, Turn tire inside out with the help of an orangutan

The Rules of Baseball Caps

Let’s say the cap in question is an Expos cap. If someone else utters “Go Expos” or a similar phrase, you must express return excitement verbally or via a gesture. The sound or gesture must be such that a typical, rational person would interpret it as a sign of enthusiasm.

CARTOON: Good Grief

Was it fun-sized? Today's cartoon by Dalton Vaughn.

CARTOON: Witched Guest

podCAST a spell? Today's cartoon by Jeremy Nguyen.

The Email Graveyard

95,000 LinkedIn updates, That article you're going to read someday soon, Response to the email about setting up a playdate with a kid you don't know, and more!

Your Guide To Being A Spookily Great HalloWingman: Tips On Helping Your Buddy Get The Most, Best Candy While Trick Or Treating

It's a mistake to appear too eager! Have your friend play it cool and hang back from the crowd a bit. The person handing out treats will be intrigued by the indifference, and your friend may end up with a couple of extra fun-size Twix bars in his bag.

Little-Known Backstories of Misunderstood Halloween Candies

A great treat for kids who are too young to smoke, but still want to look cool. The candy cigarette paved the way for the invention of candy chewing tobacco, and candy nicotine patches. These are hard to find nowadays -  tobacco companies want kids to vape, anyway!