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CARTOON: Moron Moon

Don't Look. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Conversations Between a Woman and the Dog She's Unknowingly Dating on 'Love Is Blind'

KELSIE R.: Babe! OMG that is so great you feel the same way! I’ve had no luck in the past and 100% of the guys I’ve dated have cheated on me. But you get me, and I know just by talking to you that you’d never stray. I’m getting loyal vibes! Maverick, I think–no I know–I’m falling in love with you. And you don’t have to say it back. I know it’s soon. [MAVERICK lifts his leg and pees in a plant.]

The Inner Monologue of a Cyclist in a City

What is with the bike bell being a faint trill? Why don’t bikes have louder horns? Bicycles are already small enough! How is a bus going to hear me if I’m coming? Who decided to give bigger vehicles bigger horns? Shouldn’t smaller vehicles have the louder horns? If people can’t see us coming, at least they can hear us. Who makes these decisions? How do I find them? It’s like nobody really cares about us cyclists.

I’m the Understudy to the “Maps” App, and Tonight Could Be My Night

Wake up, me! Stop dreaming and look alive! This is my moment. I see Them, their gloved fingers a crescendo of taps on the buttons above me, entering those precious numbers and letters that bring me to life, infused with the joy of guiding others to their sacred destination.

Tips for Planning the Wedding of Your Nightmares After Realizing the Wedding of Your Dreams Is Too Expensive

Embrace a mismatched bridal party: Speaking of crafts, get creative and your bridesmaids won’t have to don the same stuffy overpriced ensemble. Let them wear whatever they want. Better yet, let them decorate a potato sack however they want. They’ll thank you for a look they can actually rewear. The versatility of a potato sack is unmatched.

Flight 74 Is Now Boarding Passengers Who Are Better Than You

Next we’d like to invite military personnel to board.  We’ll start with our active duty service members.  No one?  Okay, we’ll move on to veterans of the four main branches.  Only two people?  In that case, we’ll open it up to the Coast Guard, January 6 insurrectionists, and veterans of the War on Drugs, War on Women, and War on Christmas.  Thank you for your service!

A Look Back at VICE’s Most Influential Stories

We Tracked Down a Nigerian Prince Email Scam and Now We Own a Timeshare in Albany. And more!

Mythological Creatures Bi-Annual Pop Culture Round-Table

Dave the Unicorn:   Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes?   Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot:   Well hang on for a second.   Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times?   What the hell is that?    When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club.

Some Totally Normal Thoughts I Had After Getting Pooped on by a Bird

Just a little poop on my jacket, it’ll wash right off. These…

I’m Your Middle-Grade School’s Substitute Librarian Today. Call Me Reacher.

You, don’t tilt back in that chair. I can see you haven’t been trained to execute that maneuver without injury—and right on cue, we’ve got a man down. Kid, you dropped faster than your reading scores on the last state test. But it’s just blood, so stop howling. You don’t need stitches. There’s some Superglue right here. 

I’m Katie Britt’s Kitchen Table, and Let Me Tell You – This Bitch Is Crazy

Well, well, well, it seems I’ve finally gotten my 17ish minutes of fame, hovering juuuust at the bottom of the frame while ol’ Mama Bear vocal-fried up a hot platter of American Carnage Lite for the public. And let me tell you, as the surface upon which Katie has served that dinner she worries about at 2am for longer than I like to admit: what you all saw tonight is just the tip of the straitjacket. 

MAGAts- Your Guide To Trump Loving Right Wing Extremists

Tessie Tickles: Host of the right wing podcast Tessie Gets Messy, which is less a talk show than a series of racist and /or homophobic diatribes.    So kind of like FOX News if it were broadcast from the poorly lit back porch of a lime green trailer. 

Here Are The Oscar Favorites. No, Not Those — Our Favorite People Named Oscar

PROJECTED WINNER… Oscar Mayer! This by virtue of being the only nominee to own a wiener-shaped car. (Before you fire off your angry rebuttals, Oscar Wilde merely leased one for six months in 1894).

GOPlayer One Go!

CPAC-Man: You're CPAC-Man, darting around the maze-like corridors of CPAC, gobbling up donor funds and seedy political favors while also trying to avoid Nazis who have made themselves cozy at the convention.    Keep an eye out for those guys, they're sneaky; before you know it photos of you standing right next to a Nazi salute could be a trending story on MSNBC, which could end your game!    Ah, who're we kidding?   No one on the conservative side will care about that kind of thing anyway.   This game has endless lives.

Tips for Eating Out

Making Healthy Choices: DO order your salad dressing on the side / DON’T order your salad dressing in a bowl with a straw

Children’s Programming For Drugged Out Parents

The Flintstoned, Sesame Tweak, Barney the Purple Haze Dinosaur, and more!

Soaring Surge Pricing That We Don’t Want to See

When you hit the last few pages of that best-selling mystery that you’ve downloaded to your Kindle. And more!

Other Oxymoronic Wellness Regimens to Add to Your ‘Power Nap’ 

Beer Yoga: Nothing wrong with a little hair of the downward dog. You risk getting too woo-woo at these spiritual thingies unless you bring a couple cold Bud Lights to bring you back down to your Midwestern roots. Plus, the booze will deffo give you the extra confidence boost to hit that headstand at the end of class while all the other losers are laying down for that dumb sleeping part. If you can’t find a Beer Yoga class listed in your area, you can always bring a forty in a brown bag to the free park yoga class nearest you. I don’t see why everyone wouldn’t be chill with that.

At Netflix, We’re Taking Product Placement to the Next Level with New Film’s All-Beverage Cast

Dunkin’ Iced Coffee:  Quippy tech guru PRIME Energy: Sadistic but easily dispatched henchman La Croix (Pamplemousse flavor):  Self-conscious artist making film within a film, and more!

Laffy Taffy Jokes For Adults

Why did the fisherman's wife whittle his oar into a realistic shaped dildo? She wanted to finally have an oar-gasm!

Statistics I’ve Shared Right Before Being Told 'Let's Agree to Disagree'

Jordan: Did you hear Chris say you can compost human waste if you do it right?—I’ve known the guy my whole life and have never seen him take an interest in shit. Me: Well, it’s a sad truth that “only 24% of people in major cities know all or most of their neighbors,” Pew Research. And don’t you and Chris have to take two trains to see each other? Means you’re essentially strangers.

I’m a Third Grade Teacher, and I’m Quitting to Make Some Real Money Collecting Cans By the Side of the Highway

But why am I quitting being a teacher?  Well, here:  Each aluminum can here in Michigan is ten cents.  None of the cans scream at me or force themselves to puke to get out of reading Because of Winn-Dixie. 

Different Office Door Positions and How to Interpret Them

I’m desperate to brand myself as the ‘fun’ coworker. Is it working?!?!

OnlyFans Profiles That You May Have Missed...

ConnectThor: Broadcasting from the same bedroom he's had since the fifth grade, middle aged cosplay enthusiast Jacob dresses like Thor and challenges viewers to a game of Connect Four.    Games typically devolve into fans placing bets as to how many Connect Four pieces Jacob can stuff into his own bottom.

How To Get Your Rock Band To Hit It Big, Without Getting Better

Crowd Surf: This may not strike you as the best idea when you’re playing at the community teen center in front of a sparse audience of 8th graders with the upper body physiques of Beavis and Butt-Head. Don’t worry. Go ahead and jump, and immediately join the ranks of Bruce Springsteen and Iggy Pop.

If Jesus Is Going to Take the Wheel, Here’s Some Other Things I’d Like Him to Take

Jesus, Take My Taxes: If Jesus is going to take the wheel, I’d also like him to take my taxes. He doesn’t even need to file them on TurboTax or tell the IRS any of my business, he just needs to take them away so I don’t have to think about them. Maybe he can turn them into water and then turn the water into wine, and then I can drink my tax returns with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

You Want Me To Talk? What’s Next, I Gotta Sing And Dance?

You want me to “talk?” What’s next, I have to sing and dance? Choreograph an original musical number based on the events of my life up to this point? And then what? Novelize? Monetize? Record a best-selling audio book, foreword by Peter Bogdanovich? Adapt it for the silver screen and audition for the role of myself? Practice being myself in the mirror so I can really nail it? Is that what you want? Huh?

CARTOON: Dapper Referee

This flag is for fabulous!

Zillow Listings for Literary Properties

Pemberley (Pride & Prejudice) Half of Derbyshire, England- $150,000,000: This grand Georgian estate boasts sprawling grounds, a tranquil lake and a 19th-century fountain. Inside, you will find original Chippendale furniture, elegant damask furnishings and rooms that are somehow “handsome”. With natural beauty and a rich history, Pemberley will have your crush ready to marry you! New owner is responsible for evicting the property’s resident squatter (a Mr. Wickham).

Ford Memo to All Dealers Regarding 2011-2016 Fiesta and Focus Models About Chimpanzees in Trunks

Ford is aware that some of the 2011-2016 Focus and Fiesta owners have concerns about the violent, horny chimpanzees that our engineers in Detroit have deliberately placed in the trunk of these automobiles. These vehicles are safe. However, for our customers' peace of mind, Ford is offering this no-charge service that reduces the potential risk of these hungry primates from entering the vehicle and aggressively satiating their carnal appetites on our customers while on the road.

CARTOON: Accentuated Affections

Fancy a pint? Today's cartoon by Rachelle Meyer.

I’m a Horse, and I Never Asked to Be Anyone’s Therapist

Riding me is one thing, but when people want to disclose their most depraved thoughts I’m like, “Whoa whoa whoa! Maybe we should get to know each other a bit first!”

How to Escape From Prison

Dig. This is the tried and true method. An American classic. All you need is a spoon, some elbow grease and a heart full of dreams. Be careful as this method can create a lot of noise and if your digging wakes up the warden he will become very upset. Prison wardens are famously grouchy when they don’t get their beauty sleep.

News Briefs: God Seriously Considering Starting Over Again With Human Race

PLUS: Velcro Feeling Like It Being Taken For Granted , Superhero Action Figure Not A Bathtub Toy, But Rather A Bathtub Collectible, Fast Food Meal Purchased To Save Time Puts Man In Bathroom For Several Hours Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

#Live Tweeting the Wait Line for Slinky Dog Roller Coaster

Things are moving now!  We just moved up 5 places!  Oh, wait, it seems a family ahead of us passed out and are being removed from the line.  Still, we’re moving up!

How Americans Drank Water Before The Stanley Cup: A Timeline Across Decades 

1960s: Americans too busy smoking cigarettes to drink water. Think about it– unless you had two mouths, you couldn’t do both at the same time. Doctors were more concerned with people smoking the right brand of cancer sticks to curb their dessert appetite after dinner than letting folks in on the benefits of drinking a glass of simple H20.

6 Bosses You Need to Defeat to Get into a Manhattan Rooftop Bar

The Coat Man: When I made it up the glass stairs and saw The Coat Man glaring at my attire, I thought that I had accidentally peed myself. I soon realized that his look of disgust aimed at my lower half was because I had dared to wear jeans to this outing.

Genies Reveal, Most Unsettling Wishes Ever Granted

Barf bag that magically transforms vomit into fresh microwave popcorn. And more!

Girl Scout Cookie or 1960s Businessman’s Nickname for His Secretary?

Savannah Smiles, Little Brownie, Thin Mint, and more!

CARTOON: Bark Bank

Payday Pooch. Today's cartoon by Todd Condron.

We’re Your Favorite Band from High School and We’re Really, Really Old Now

We’re opening with our hit about getting stoned and shredding a halfpipe. Even though he hasn’t been able to skateboard since his knee replacement, Brett is actually a little stoned right now from his THC-infused arthritis cream.

In Order to Appease Everyone in Our Community, We Decided to Rename Our School to 'Robert E. Lee Was Bad High School'

Our superintendent is more than pleased with our decision, stating that our school’s new name will make it perfectly clear that any discrimination in the halls of Robert E. Lee Was Bad is bad. We hope that the community also recognizes that absolutely no hate or prejudice at Robert E. Lee Was Bad is good. It’s bad.

Are You Staying at “Clyde’s Rustic Farmhouse Escape” AirBnB or Trapped in an Escape Room?

There are old portraits of someone else’s family hanging on the walls. 2. The kitchen looks fully functional, but none of the appliances actually work. 3. You find a key hidden inside a fake rock. And more!

How to Write Brfly

People think writing brfly is hard, but it’s really quite simpl. You just have to take a few lettrs out here and thr—sometimes even entire altogether.

CARTOON: Style Over Sound

Face the Music. Today's cartoon by Rose Anne Prevec.

CARTOON: Detective's Dilemma

Guess Who's Guilty? Today's cartoon by Chris Shorten.

CARTOON: Hair Flair

Cut It Out. Today's cartoon by Sarah Morrissette.

Other Mirror Mirror On The Wall Queries...

Mirror, mirror, on the wall.... please explain Better Call Saul. ... will you drive me to the mall? .... please make that cappuccino tall. And more!

These Targeted Ads Don’t Know Me At All

Wow, peanuts are good! Maybe I’m not allergic? Algorithm, have you known this whole time?! And if so, why are you now recommending me all these Epi-Pens with 15-minute shipping? Must be a mistake, not worrying about it.

Homer’s Odyssey Character or Skin Rash Medication

Telemachus, Prednisone, Locaid and more!

Werner Herzog’s Requiem for a Steamboat

As Mickey navigates the treacherous waters, his cheerful whistle provides a stark contrast to the grim realities that surround him. The boat's three haunting toots serve as a chilling reminder of the dangers that lurk in the shadows. Those silent predators of our existence, patiently waiting to pounce upon the unsuspecting. They are the unsung terrors that shape our fears and fuel our nightmares, hidden from the light of day.

CARTOON: Retreat Rovers

Paw-fect Getaway. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Goldilocked Up

Unbearable Interrogation. Today's cartoon by Phil Johnson.

CARTOON: Spotless Scalp

Bald & Bold. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

College Football Coach Explains at Postgame Press Conference Why He Had Charlie Brown Kick Potential Game-Winning Field Goal

Reporter: Charlie Brown landed pretty hard. How is he, physically? Coach: CB’s tougher than an under-cooked truck-stop chicken-fried steak. When the trainer got out there, CB took one look at him and said, “Good grief!” He’s a fine boy, but sometimes it’s like he’s stuck in the 1950s.

I Forgot to Tip My Mailman This December, and Now He’s Vindictively Redacting My Holiday Letters

When handing my holiday letters to the mailman, I realized I hadn’t tipped him. So I gifted him the only thing I had on me (the black Sharpie I’d been addressing the letters with). Since then, he’s been getting a lot of use of it…

Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Ideas

Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray, Cursed glass eye, and more!

Ways Giuliani Can Try to Earn the $148 Million…

Audition for next season’s “Golden Bachelor” and more!

CARTOON: Melody Crossing

Step to the Beat. Today's cartoon by Amanda Chung and Vincent Coca.

I’m Just a Bull Trying to Catch My Train, and I Can’t Believe How Fucking Terrible Our Transportation System Is

The day started off on the wrong hoof. I left the barn late, Dunkin put my sister’s milk in my coffee, and by the time I made it to the Metuchen NJ Transit station, the only seats left were those skinny little benches between cars. Those seats barely fit toddlers, let alone adults, let alone a 1,500 kilogram bull. 

Lies Your Wife Has Told You

Back hair isn't gross, it's just part of your body, and she loves all of you. Refurbishing old bird houses is a cool hobby. She doesn't even know your iPhone password, and how dare you! And more!

Santa’s 9-1-1 Call Transcripts

Santa: The weapon used in the attempted murder were NON gluten-free cookies. AKA, a cookie that contained gluten. It’s basically poison.  911: A cookie is not considered a weapon. Sir, how is your mental state? How did you get in the chimney? Santa: A cookie is ABSOLUTELY an assault weapon, SIR, and I don’t appreciate you talking down to me. I am gluten-free, and the Smith family was trying to murder me with the cookies they laid out. This was a hit job from the people who started the War on Christmas.

Lesser Known Holiday Specials

Murder on the Polar Express: The kids are forced to solve the murder of Mr. Conductor with the help of Hercule Poirot, who just happens to be on the train.

Unanswered Hollywood Christmas Movie Want Ads

WANTED: Police detective still looking for Nike shoe salesman willing to make emergency delivery of size eleven sneakers to Nakatomi Plaza on Christmas Eve. Experience facing gunfire from East German terrorists preferred. Please contact Detective John McLane at 555-1464.

I’m Professional Tracker Hudson Rattlesnake and I Will Find Where You Parked Your Car

During my adventures, I’ve developed a superior intellect and strategic mind that make locating my prey practically a guarantee. That’s why I’ve created this here Craigslist post, because I want to use my skills to help you figure out where you parked your car. 

CARTOON: Dead Zone

Disconnected Descent. Today's cartoon by Jeffrey Curnow.

CARTOON: Spot Color

Fierce Feline! Today's cartoon by Amelia Cossentino,

All I Want For Christmas Is YouPorn

Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas, I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style- And more!

Roku City’s Police Blotter

25-year-old, Mark Stevens, of Roku City was arrested by Roku City Police for committing arson in the building that formerly housed the Everybody Loves Raymond billboard. The alleged arsonist was reportedly upset that the city replaced the billboard with an ad for the show Suits. No one was harmed. Several noise complaints were filed due to the man wailing “How can you do this, everybody loves Raymond and you clearly don’t.” Stevens was quickly released after Ray Romano paid the $10,000 bail.

That’s A Party School 

My friend said by the time he got his degree, he had partied so much that he wasn’t even sure what he’d majored in. Upon getting his diploma at graduation, he learned that he had actually obtained a BA in partying.

The Other Chalkboards That Will Hunting Wrote On As A Janitor

You are absolutely forbidden from entering the room where Ms. Garcia hosts her night school class for English as a second language so that you can make adjustments to her lesson plans. We do not want Ms. Garcia to come into our office to complain that her students are using words like "cawfee", "rippah", "pissa", "wicked smaht", or that they are inserting an unnecessary “fuck” into every sentence they speak.

CARTOON: Taste of Envy

Tantalizing Temptations. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

Simple Airbnb Check-Out Instructions From Your Host

We hope you made yourself at home in our humble abode! This is a friendly reminder to be checked out by 9:00 tomorrow morning in order to give our cleaning crew ample time to prepare for the next guests. If you would like to request a later check-out time, feel free to message us at least 24 hours before check-out, though it looks like we are already within that window, so nevermind. 

As a Woman, I’ll Be the First to Apologize for Apologizing So Much 

Look, I’ve read the research. We ladies tend to, shall I say, overdo it. All the studies say the same thing: Women apologize more than men. Women apologize when there’s no reason to. Women apologize for breathing. 

Lesser Known Bodies of Everest

Tired of seeing all those normal frozen hikers? See what Everest doesn't want you to see! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

Thanksgiving Internationale By Chef Louis

You would think it would be hard to top that. Yet, we have! For desert, the cranberry flambe! Oui. It gives you a real reason to be thankful, no?

CARTOON: Take Two

Another for the gram. Today's cartoon by J. Vincent Hilger.

If You Hire Me to Be Your Social Media Manager, I Guarantee I Will Decrease Your Online Presence

I don’t work for influencers, or brands, or really anyone who wants more social media followers. I work for the common scroller who realized one day that the internet would be a vastly better place if Aunt Jean stopped commenting “looks like you’ve been eating well” on your vacation pictures. 

Frequently Asked Questions Regarding Your New Clone 

Congratulations on purchasing your new Cloneique Doppelringer3000. As with any  new household addition, there are bound to be a few questions. Here at Cloneique, Inc.  we have the expert support and useful tips needed to help you make the most of your  whole new you.

Literary Classics Reimagined for Flu Season by My Inner Sophomore

Moby-Drip, The Scratcher in the Eye, Breakfast at Sniffany’s, And more!

I’m The Last Green Leaf On This Tree And I Will Not Give In To Fall Peer Pressure

I’m the last of my kind. A botanical bohemian. All the other schlubs on this shrub sacrificed their scruples. But I would never do such a thing. Each day that I choose to wake up this way is a testament to my chlorophyllic character. My integrity is evergreen.

It’s The Other Door, Stupid

Are your eyes broken? Did you not see the glaringly small sign pointing at the correct door? Surely you must be recovering from some sort of invasive eye surgery to miss a sign that obvious. I'm laughing at you, you fool.

I’m Being Haunted By a Farting Ghost

I live my life in fear. I never know when the ghost is going to let one rip, but I can be sure of two things: it will make it seem as if I am the one farting and it will time its gas to be released at the most embarrassing of moments.

CARTOON: Casper's Cousin

Ghost with the most... kills. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

How to Tell Whether Someone is a Spooky Costume Person, a Silly Costume Person, or a Sexy Costume Person

If someone knows their high score in The Addams Family pinball game, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: A very suggestive Cousin Itt) If someone has a Snoopy tattoo, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Gumby) And more!

Failed Pitches From The Guy Who Invented Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Boilin’ Hot Mountain Dew, Soppin Wet Doritos, Pepsi flavored Coke, and more!

CARTOON: Plumb Bum

Courtesy flush? Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

Ouija Board Do's And Don'ts

DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant. DO allow ghosts to reach out for friendship by providing you with your neighbor's Wi-Fi password. And more!

Gotham City’s Ladies’ Charitable Auxiliary Wishes to Apologize

We are sorry that Poison Ivy saw fit to disrupt our annual orchid show once again. Our Board of Trustees has resolved not to discontinue this popular fundraiser simply because a costumed lunatic has attacked it three years out of the last five. The Gotham City Ladies’ Charitable Auxiliary refuses to let scantily-clad eco-terrorists win.

Scent Memories From the Last Time I Went Camping

Description: We watch as our family car is engulfed in flames. Someone at another campsite yells, “call 9-1-1!” Dad looks at me and my little sister for the first time since we arrived and says, “Your mother and I are getting a divorce.” Top Notes: Gasoline

CARTOON: Skill Drill

Push up...my resume. Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

Are You Living Through Menopause Or The Climate Crisis?

Denying it just makes it worse. It’s happening much faster than you thought it would. Air conditioning is only a temporary solution. And more!

Acceptable Ways To Pronounce “Entrepreneuer”

Under Purr Knower, Entree Panera, Intruder Prawner, and more!

You're Probably Wondering Why There's an Empty Pizza Box in My Trunk

I can see that you're wondering why there's an empty pizza box in my trunk. That's perfectly fair. A dead body would have been easier to justify. Car trunks are supposed to house proper car accoutrements like windshield wiper fluid and jumper cables and maybe a recently bought and forgotten blender. That's respectable trunk fare.

CARTOON: Hopping Truth

Hare-raising Conspiracies. Today's cartoon by Jose Arroyo and Rob Kutner.

24/7 Diners On Every Celestial Body

EARTH: OPEN 24/7, 365 DAYS A YEAR! MARS:OPEN 24.6/7.175, 373.1 DAYS A YEAR! JUPITER: OPEN 9.93/2.89, 150.28 DAYS A YEAR! And more!

New Event Venues for Climate Change

Outdoor Film in the Cavern, Bowling in the Cavern, Concert… in the Cavern and more!

CARTOON: Salty Tales

Hear about the Himalayas? Today's cartoon by Lance Risseeuw.

#TerrorToys

Retch-a-Sketch, Scare Bears, American Ghoul Doll, and more #TerrorToys on this week's trending joke game!

An Open Letter to the Personal Trainer Who Entered the Gym Washroom and Yelled, “Fuck, It Smells Like Shit in Here!”

Look, I know the washroom stunk when you came to use the urinal, but what did you expect? The urinals are directly in front of 5 bathroom stalls, which were all in use. That’s 5 guys dropping a deuce in an enclosed space. Do the math: 5 times deuce equals double-digit dumping. You don’t have to be a genius to know that’s not going to smell like potpourri. 

Want to Write and Get Published in 5 Easy Steps? Just Remember this Handy Rotting Deer Metaphor

Step one: Pencils down. Do not just dive in, and actually do the job at hand. No real writer actually begins writing when they need to write. You need to give your idea space, let it breathe. You need to circle it, like a concussed deer who has staggered into the woods after a near-death collision with your Ford F-150.

CARTOON: Popped Puberty

Melted butter maturity. Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

Matterhornier and 8 Other Disney World Upgraded Attractions

Matterhornier, It’s a Medium Size World After All, Dumbo The Flying First Class Elephant, and more!

Your Internal Organs: Ranked!

#6. Kidneys: Filtration at its finest, this magical little body part removes all the filth from your ingested liquids, and turns it into more filth. A true classic, their shape has inspired many designs, from vintage swimming pools, to beans, to hospital vomit pans. The kidneys can be a vengeful little pair, and possess a unique power that allows them to spontaneously grow actual stones when angered. Don’t piss off the kidneys.

Biographies of Side Characters in Every Rom-Com

Female Lead’s Sidekick: You can expect Female Lead’s Sidekick to assert herself once when Female Lead lashes out at her or takes her for granted for the 700th time. But then, Female Lead will bring over Phish Food ice cream (it’s their thing) with two spoons and say, “Sidekick, you know you’re my rock. Can we be forever again? You know I’d literally die for you.” 

Questions I Have For The House Judiciary Committee Chairman

Mr. Chairman, to your knowledge, have historians uncovered Mambo No. 1 through 4 yet? Mr. Chairman, do you agree with your colleagues that say Forrest Gump is "mid"? Mr. Chairman, do you happen to know the status of smell-o-vision? And more!

CARTOON: Killer Call

The HORROR! Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Baby Babble Translations for New Moms

jah-cho-cho-cho = Look what I found in the cat litter box. yai-yai pokka da = Where’s your good sweater? Hurry, I have to puke. catzakup poodo = Soon enough I won’t need you, except to drive me places. And more!

Care And Maintenance Of Your Possessed Ventriloquist Puppet

Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching 'Blossom'. Don't be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out!

Elon Musk’s Proposed Fee Schedule for X (formerly Twitter)

Per Post- .001, Per Re-post- .002, Per Musk Re-Post- free, and more!

Stephen King’s Past Birthday Wishes

Waterstarter? The blinking cursor is now a blinking thumbs-up. A jet Ski. Wait, no…a possessed jet ski. And more!

Colonoscopy Prep Playlist for Generation X (Kind of in Order, at Least Based on My Colon’s Behavior)

'Everybody Hurts' - REM, 'Drain you' - Nirvana, 'Deep Inside of You' - Third Eye Blind, and more!

Trumper Stickers (Bumper Stickers Commonly Found On The Trucks Of Trump Voters)

"No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay" "Baby With Tattoos On Board" "If The Van Is A'Rockin', Automated Weapons We're A'Glockin'" and more!

An Influencer Reviews the Cardiologist

Keep in mind, this place is as exclusive as Soho House when it was cool, so forget about a walk-in. You’ll schedule with the office concierge, and it may take months to get off the waitlist. Don’t forget to have your GP vouch for you! They won’t let just anyone seek treatment.

‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School 

Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you’ll call “morning popsies” until they move out.

Ten Sure-Bet Reality Shows Canceled After Initial Approval

Big Mother- Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk.

Podcasts You Should Be Listening To RIGHT NOW!!  No, I'm serious, RIGHT NOW!!  Go, Now!!   Why Are You Still Reading This???

PornHubble: A panel of astronomy geeks hack into the Hubble telescope in order to gain access to the spiciest pornography this perverted globe to offer, and discusses their findings with you, who will soon come to regret your curiosity...

Items Found in Burning Man’s Porta Potties

Spiked corset with whistles and pulleys, Hammer pants with sewn on aerial dance ribbons, Mosaic policeman’s cap with jingle bells, and more!

Pretty Basic Skinny Dip Tips

Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. If you have a really great body, allow others with less-great bodies a few minutes to frolic in the water before making your entrance. And more!

Depressing Karaoke Night

HOST: Oh, you came.  Welcome to Depressing Karaoke Night.  If you’re not bummed yet, you totally will be. 

CARTOON: Grammatical Seasoning

Summer in the Hamptons, then Fall on the floor. Today's cartoon by Fergus Boylan.

CARTOON: Porcupine Orgy

Stick it in! Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper

Lustler Magazine

Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let's Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!

A Peek Inside a College Parent Facebook Page

OK, totally disappointed here. It’s been two hours and Veronique is still alone in her dorm room. How can she live her best college life if no one will even make the effort to meet her? What kind of place is this? Is this how you raised your kids? — Turning the car around, V’s mom

Detective, if You Mess up 18 or 19 More Times You’re off the Case

Look Rodriguez, you know you’re a good cop, I know you’re a good cop, those girl scouts you put in a sleeperhold know you’re a good cop, but that can only keep you here so long. Eventually the mayor is going to wonder if all of your mayhem, destruction, and violations of civil rights and due process are worth the 3% of cases you solve.

Signs That Your Summer Camp Is Actually a Religious Cult

Campfires used for roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, as well as destroying virgin sacrifice remains.

Neighborhood Highlights, According to My Dog

Fence With Dog: This is where my friend Fat Dog lives. This is a great place if you are looking to socialize. And while you are here, be sure to take some big honkin’ snorffs of the billowing waves of his piss steam coming through the fence.

Classy Alternatives for When Your Extra Virgin Olive Oil Isn’t Extra Enough

Cauliflower oil: Cauliflower can do anything! Use it to replace rice, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, or even pizza dough. Cauliflower oil is just as good for frying, and when you use it, you feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.

CARTOON: Swat Team

Buzzing with justice. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton and Adam Cooper.

Famous Movie Lines Had They Used A.I.

The Godfather, Star Wars, Terminator, and more really lose their zippy taglines in this illustrated list.

No, I’m Not Prepared To Tell You How I’d Like My Hair Cut

Can you fundamentally change my personality and overall lot in life with this haircut, Dave? Because if so, let’s do it.

CARTOON: Turtle Topper

The lengths we go for love. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Benjamin Moore Paint Palettes Used In The Making Of The Over-The-Top Barbie Movie

Dream Colors for Climate Change: There’s no camouflaging our burning planet. So might as well use paint colors that can be seen miles away in outer space. Maybe in a perfect world we’ll be rescued by a fleet of alien dolls.

CARTOON: Shark Beak

Begins with a fin! Today's cartoon by Catherine Martha Holmes.

What Your Therapist's Couch Says About Them

Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. High chair: A therapist who specializes in child developmental therapy and clients of all ages who throw their food.

CARTOON: Words Matter

Uncalled for! Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

Things To Consider When Buying A New Swimsuit

Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won't be allowed into Golden Corral?

You Love This Ad for the Barbie (the Movie)/Progressive Insurance Commercial Barbie (the Doll)–Themed Pinkberry Flavor

This, finally, is the maximum Barbie branding saturation you have been waiting for.

The State of the All-American Hot Dog

The Climate? The Wealth Gap? The Supply Chain? See it as a hotdog! You know you are wondering...

CARTOON: Space Case

Room to breathe? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Responses to the Question, 'Is Your Company Hiring Assassins?'

“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”

The Rise and Fall of My Cat, Former Zoom Celebrity: An Oral History

Dr. Erica Nuñez (pet psychologist): It can be stressful when the power imbalance in the home shifts so dramatically, when suddenly the pet is outshining the owner.

CARTOON: Dessert Defense

Don't care to share? Today's cartoon by Rose Anne Prevec.

Please Do Not Show My Child Michelangelo’s David for I Wish to Bang It

When I consider the balance of the sculpture, still standing five centuries later, I don’t whisper, “behold structural engineering of this masterpiece.”  No. I think, "I hope humping it wouldn’t knock it over.” A piece that stirs such sinful thoughts could never be considered art.