5 Valuable Life Lessons I Learned Managing the 837 Checking Accounts Wells Fargo Opened for Me

If there’s one thing I learned from watching movies about other people serving in the military, it’s that we all need structure in our lives. Adulthood requires discipline, foresight, and determination—qualities that are not merely bestowed on one, but earned. Luckily for me, Wells Fargo took the initiative in opening 837 different checking accounts under my name, forcing me to wrestle with the demon of listlessness and disorganization. Here are the five valuable life lessons I never would have learned without the help of Wells Fargo.

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You are not the victim

It’s very tempting to cry foul upon learning you are now paying fees on 837 checking accounts you didn’t open yourself. But you know what? Life owes you nothing. A lot of people would be grateful to have just one checking account, let alone 837! Feeling sorry for yourself will get you nowhere. You will never take ownership of your life blaming your problems on someone else.

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Remembering 837 different PIN numbers is easy if you have a system

If you want to make that transition from hapless eaglet to full-grown, wise bald eagle with 837 checking accounts, you’ll need to be able to organize. That starts with remembering 837 different PIN numbers. Create a system for yourself! I was able to remember the first number of every PIN, because each one was in order of pi rounded out to the 837th decimal place. That may be the definition of “life hack!”

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Regulation on big banks is counter-productive

You wouldn’t want the government eavesdropping in on your abortion, so why would you want them involved with your banking? Being an adult requires trust in the sturdy, invisible hand of the market. Plus, think about how hard it is to manage 837 checking accounts. Now imagine how Wells Fargo has to manage millions of accounts! There is always someone who has it harder than you. It’s not the government’s place to play fairness police.

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Protect yourself from identity fraud

It’s a brave new world. The worst thing our grandparents in the 1920’s were concerned about was their stock broker jumping out of the window and not having anyone to manage their funds. Now, entire identities can be stolen and credit histories destroyed, all because we wanted to see what the pretty, naked lady on the Internet would do next. Was it worth it? Wells Fargo was already kind enough to give you 837 checking accounts–don’t besmirch their goodwill by recklessly exposing their bank to fraud.

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What’s good for the shareholders is good for you

Life’s most important lesson. Business is not about revenue, ethics, or market share—it’s simply quarterly growth versus last year. And because the top Wells Fargo brass had the business acumen to enrich their shareholders, you got 837 new checking accounts out of the deal. That’s not a trickle down economy, that’s an avalanche coming down to destroy your village economy! Take that, Bernie Bros!