Rockstars' Flirtations *

You are the sun, I am the moon. You are the words, I am the tune. Play me. –Neil Diamond

As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me

I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.

How To Tell People You Voted Other Than An “I Voted” Sticker

Have sex. When you get to climax two minutes in, moan “I Voted!” Go to Starbucks and order your usual Pumpkin Spice Latte. When the barista asks for your name, say it’s “I Voted.” Post the photo of your cup, which says “Ivory Ted.” Get a real tattoo in your tramp stamp area that says “I Voted” And more!

Fresh Alternatives To Dying

Hahahahahahahahahahah ur KILLING me! LMFAO on my way to death! LOL omg moving west to take a job working in the mines

17 Ways To Make It Seem Like You’re Still Listening When You’ve Stopped Paying Attention

Make encouraging sounds like “Mmhmm” or “Uh-huh.” You’ll probably want to alternate among a few different ones so it doesn’t sound like you’re meditating. Repeat whatever they say. You got this! No, don't literally repeat it! Why did you do that? “I also lost my job”?!?! You didn’t lose your job! I meant that you should say something like: “What I’m hearing is that you lost your job.” Jeez.

Deleted Scenes From A Very Hungry Caterpillar

On day four, the very hungry caterpillar was struggling to grasp the concept that bad things can randomly happen to caterpillars and nature’s response is indifference. If there is a higher power, they are not a benign god but a cruel and sadistic one that put her at the bottom of the food chain.

Here’s Today’s Food Allergy Horoscope

OVARIUS: Breakfast can be hard with an egg aversion. Venus governs the mysterious eighth house of intimacy, due diligence, and rich endeavors. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but look—It is time to change the rhythm of your life. Just don't bother going out to eat with anyone so you can tell them about it.

Memo from the Office of the Vice Chancellor of the Lizard Overlord Project to the Costuming Department

And what is going on with Bill Barr’s facial unit?  The prototype we were shown had a full range of mobility and expression.  The unit in the field now has become the target of ridicule and given rise to unwelcome notoriety through slurs like “Resting Bill Barr Face” and “Attorney General Grumpy Cat”.

CARTOON: Mirror Mirror

Overkill. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Referee Rob

Flag on the play! My wallet! Today's cartoon by Lars Kenseth.

The Road To A Tom Steyer Presidency

STEP 11 -- America impeaches, in this order, Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Grassley, Mike Pompeo, and, for good measure, the next 9 people in line for presidential succession.

Greta Thunberg Responds to My Request That She Advocate For My 5 Most Pressing Concerns

This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be reading this. I should be back in school on the other side of the ocean. Yet you come to us young people for hope. How dare you! Stop eating the queso. If Chipotle charges that much extra for it – toss a slice of cheese in the microwave, or better, cook that cheddar over an open flame. 

Questions that I, an American, have about the British “WAGatha Christie” Scandal

Q. Wait, what is this? Ooh, is it a mystery solved by a clever Golden Retriever? A. Unfortunately, it is not (wouldn’t that be great, though? Are there any dog-detective shows out there? Netflix? Hulu? Anyone?). This scandal involves two women who bang English football stars for a living, and thus are also social media, uh, “stars.” WAG stands for “Wives and Girlfriends”; you can do the math on the rest.

Presidential Candidates Running On A Platform of Basically Just Charisma

A Man Who Just Rolled Up His Sleeves 2020, A Stranger in a Leather Jacket We Haven’t Seen Around Town Before 2020 and more.

Valentine's for Your Roommate

Valentine, you still owe me for your share of the utilities for December & Thanks for being a quiet masturbator, Valentine. And more!

#FakeSummerStories

These #FakeSummerStories are truly unbelievable! Here are some…

Paul Manafort's To Do List

Set the DVR to record the next 7 to 10 years of The Bachelor, Have all of my teeth removed and replaced with razor-sharp, pointy steel teeth and more.

#KnockOffCelebrities

In honor of all of the happy celebrity engagements that have…

Rejected Summer Camp Activities

Summer camp is the place for a lot of things: S'mores, Candle Making, Friendship, Etc. But thankfully camp is not the place for any of THESE things.

#BadSummerBooks

We're putting together a summer reading list so we can go on…

Quiz: Vape Flavor or Affectionate Nickname You Should Never Call Any Woman At Work By...

Crazy Chill Jungle Juice Crazy Hump Wild Cherry …

Don Jr. Presents: Wonders of the Animal Kingdom

The Monkey   Our first animal today, children, is the…

The Very Basic Facts Contained In The FBI's Released JFK Assassination Documents

The FBI recently released all documents related to the 1963 assassination…

Halloween Horror Flicks For People Who Don't Like Being Scared

I Saw What You Did Last, Sumner Redstone VeryNormal Activity The…

Terrifying Halloween Costumes Based On Our New Normal

Fine Person Comes with shaved-head skull cap…

Lost Pages From the Steele Dossier

Note: This piece has been adapted from a recently completed…

Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide

(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers…

Most Anticipated New Reality Shows

Extreme Vetting  Join America’s most extreme veterinarian,…

BuzzFeed for Dads

19 Nose Hair Trimmers Guaranteed To Spice Up Your Love Life. 27…

5 Valuable Life Lessons I Learned Managing the 837 Checking Accounts Wells Fargo Opened for Me

If there’s one thing I learned from watching movies about other…

Things Paul Ryan Would Endorse For President Before Donald Trump

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced this week that he would…

Rent-A-Baby

Hello ladies.  Are you 40?   Single? Married? Divorced? Overworked?…

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