The CDC Is Now Just The ‘Center for Disease’

In light of the Trump administration cutting 10,000 employees and grinding our budget down to the nubs, we (the remaining few) at the CDC have decided that it’s time to rebrand. That’s why the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention will henceforth be known simply as the Center for Disease.

 

This is not just an efficient name-change (though we did have to sell the ‘Control and Prevention’ letters from our signs to raise funds). It’s also part of our commitment to reduce wasteful, Big-Brother spending. To finally let the free market dictate which debilitating diseases Americans contract.

 

For years, the Dumb-ocrats focused on controlling diseases with Orwellian vaccine mandates. But under the scientific brain core that is Trump, Elon Musk, and RFK Jr., we’re restoring your freedom to get and spread whatever diseases you feel like. Like a patriot.

 

Measles? You got it. Smallpox? Heard! Dysentery? Gosh, we’ll see!

 

What’s more, now that we’ve scrapped wasteful HIV, Hepatitis, and Tuberculosis research, we’ve got way more time to work on inventing those exciting, novel diseases you crave so bad. Our R&D team has already broken ground on cheap and promising new bugs we’ve named Xylovirus, C. necroforma, and Malaria 2. Malaria 2 is a lot like the OG Malaria, but it’s way more transmissible. Think of it as our new #1 export.

 

Ever heard of Hantavirus? Us neither. But thanks to these budget cuts, maybe Hantavirus can finally have its day in the sun. It’s kind of fun to say, too: Hantavirus. Han-ta-vi-rus. Neat, right? You love it. We can’t wait to see what happens.

 

Oh, we’re also cutting to those silly health and safety regulations. Now when you get surgery, the Nanny State can’t force your doctors to use Commie inventions like sterile gloves and antibiotics. Our nation’s top scientists agree—these cuts will revolutionize how we live with flesh-eating bacteria.

 

The Radical Left says that we’re going to overload our hospitals with preventable diseases. But that’s absurd, because once we fire and deport all our doctors, and make basic health care measures illegal, we won’t have any hospitals left. Problem solved, idiots.

 

What’s more, they think we’ll see an explosion in reported disease rates. We can obviously guarantee that won’t happen, because we no longer have the capacity to track that kind of data. It’s all part of an initiative we like to call: Not Being Huge Math Nerds.

 

If you’re worrying about antibiotic-resistant bacteria like MRSA, don’t. Because we’re just going to kidnap and detain everyone who contracts it.

 

And in any event, Malaria 2 is going to be a way bigger deal.