Posts

Clairvoyant Trump's 2023 Predictions

January 6th will become America's most popular new national holiday, during which wealthy citizens recreate the attack on the Capital by barging into the homes of the less affluent and taking whatever the hell they want. My collection of Trump NFTs will become so popular that they will be traded as the new dominant form of US currency. And more!

As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me

I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.

Truly Terrible Ways to Make Friends as an Adult

Sharing a taser while storming a government building. Dressing up as Boba Fett to attend a Lord Of The Rings convention. By attempting to telepathically communicate with others in line at the DMV. And more!

CARTOON: Michelangelo's Affidavid

Just a little nip, that's all you get, til it's unsealed. Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

CARTOON: Trump Mar-a-Lago Affidavit Released

Peedacted. Today's cartoon by Ron Hauge.

CARTOON: Cheshire Trump

Through the looking glass and back again. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Inventory List Of The FBI's Raid Of Trump

Secret identity of Q (it's Tony Danza!!) McDonalds' Grimace life size sex doll, Trump steaks made of real Trump! (mostly his mother) And more!

CARTOON: Teed Off

Grave prospects. Today's cartoon by Ron Hauge.

QaDon's- American Bistro For American's Who Don't Like America

"Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!" "Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!"

Devin Nunes Addresses Beta Tester Feedback Amid Soft Launch Of Trump’s New Social Media Platform

On Truth Social, we believe that money is king. While on other apps, ‘Following’ people simply means getting updates from them on your feed and seeing what they post to their public profile – on Truth Social, for the right price, ‘Following’ can mean whatever you want it to mean: following someone’s profile, following them home, whatever. If you pay for it, you can have it. 

CARTOON: Trump Recycling

Just Shredful. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Top Reasons Cited For Not Showing Up To The January 6th Committee

Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr , Totally booked between Pro-Life rallies and secret abortions, and more!

Trump Live-Tweets the Cats Movie

I can’t stand back and watch Macavity defy the Law of the beautiful city of London. Total lack of leadership from Boris Johnson. If I were in charge over there, Macavity would not be the bafflement of Scotland Yard. Because he’d be IN JAIL!

New Trump Books Out This Week

"Who Moved My Cheeseburger?" "Profiles in Cursing" and more!

Other Crazy Beliefs Of The MyPillow Guy

"Andrew Cuomo's discarded nipple rings can be used to construct a helmet with which to contact yodeling enthusiasts from other dimensions." "Beverly Hills 90210 is superior to Melrose Place." And more!

CARTOON: Trumpstock

Will the #Jan6thCommission get to the bottom of the top promoter of this event? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Trump's Tell-All

Orange Juice is loose. Today's cartoon by Dave Whamond.

Rejected Names For Trump's New Social Media Site 'GETTR'

GRIFTTR, GRABBR, SUCKKR, and more!

Why I, President Jimmy Carter, Am Considering Suing Hee Haw

The show’s animated mascot is a braying donkey. I am a praying member of the donkey party. I trust you all recognize this obvious attempt to make me look like a dopey cartoon.

CARTOON: Post Trump Infrastructure Repair

Build it back stronger. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

#ConservativeKidsCartoons

Dudley Do AltRight, Paw Patrol Lives Matter, Inspect Her Gadget. and more #ConservativeKidsCartoons on this week's trending joke game!

QAnon Makes Other Predictions Now That Trump is Out of Office

On July 8th, all of the world’s cats will reveal that they’ve been able to talk this entire time, but just prefer to communicate by meowing and peeing on your clean laundry.

You Don't Actually Understand Gaslighting

I can understand how you would get confused. “Gaslighting” gets thrown around so much these days that it can feel like it’s lost all meaning. But it is pretty strange that you keep saying you know what it means when everybody else disagrees with you. Literally everyone. I asked all of them.

I Wasn’t Concerned When A Stampede Of Raging Bulls Broke Into The Porcelain Shop Where I Work

Now, if the tables had been turned and the bulls were a herd of dairy cows, I might have been concerned. You know how dangerous those Jersey cows can be. Very concerning. No, they don’t behave the same as a bull or have the horns, but they are definitely more dangerous. I hate to think what could have happened if they’d been the cattle that had come to our shop. It would have been an “udder” disaster.

Glowing Hotel Reviews From Bedbugs

Trump Tower, New York, NY - [5 stars] Trump Tower was a home away from home! The satin sheets had a surprisingly low thread count, but that just meant more holes for me and my family to crawl through and feast on unsuspecting prey. I was pregnant during our stay, and my bed was so comfortable that I actually gave birth to my 500 children right under the covers! Would absolutely come again.

Trump “Will Return in Some Form”

A fly, Lo-Flo Toilet, A Bad Smell, Mitch McConnell's Hemorrhoid Pillow, and other manifestations Trump might return as.

CARTOON: End Game

Best outcome for everyone. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

Unsurprising Revelations From Trump's 2nd Impeachment Trial

Trump enjoyed the scenes of destruction so much that he recorded over his VHS tape of sex with Stormy Daniels in order to preserve the footage.

CARTOON: Impeachment Defense Team's Arsenal

Also the classic 'I Know You Are But What Am I." Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: New Trump Twitter

Anti-social Media. Today's cartoon by Dave Whamond.

CARTOON: Free & Clear

Also steal as many supplies as you want. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Other Face Masks in Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Collection

'This is Orwellian', 'What Does Orwellian Mean?', 'No Really, Can Someone Explain It?' And more!

Names for Trump’s New Political Party

Mein Pillow, Trump’s Chumps, Turd Reich, and more!

CARTOON: Double Trouble

It's A Small World After All. Today's cartoon by Paul lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: Read Aloud

Just keep repeating it. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Melania Trump’s Letter to Jill Biden

You have big stilettos to fill, for I was the greatest First Lady in the history of the United States. No other First Lady, both past and future, has even been or will ever be as good as me at avoiding the three evils: listening, caring, and working. 

CARTOON: Gotcha!

Can't take a little joke? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Fire Sale

Everything must go! Please, please just go! Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Trump's Itinerary For The Day Of Biden's Inauguration

1:30 PM: Call Satan, see if the election loss and second impeachment means that I can get a refund on the whole selling-my-soul thing. And more.

CARTOON: Never Again

They reboot everything. Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

CARTOON: Read Between The Lines

Decoding. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Burning Question

Could get much better!? HAHAHAHA. Not! Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Now that Senator Palpatine Has Deleted His Tweet to “Execute Order 66,” We, Twitter, Will Restore His Tweeting Privileges

And so, if the Senator would like to continue using our platform to further his designs as preeminent Sith lord, to subvert our galaxy’s democratic institutions and establish himself as Galactic Emperor, we strongly urge him to resume doing so in more subtle ways.

Why I, A Rat, Won’t Tolerate One More Day on This Sinking Ship

And here we are. I don’t like to use the word hero (though I’m sure I will, many times, when I write my memoirs). I’m just a simple rat who knows right for wrong when I see it. And then, someday, after years of consideration, I finally choose to listen to the searing fires of my burning conscience. It’s what any good, patriotic rat would do.

CARTOON: Wish

Quit rubbing it. It's over. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Riot Geared

How embarrassing. Extra feather? Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Punishing Trump With AddenDUMBS To The 25th Amendment

25 B-7: Trump forced to live in a run-down condo with son Eric as a roommate, for a minimum of no less than seven years. 25 J-7: Louie Anderson to portray Trump in any / all future tell-all movies (this will drive Trump crazy!!). 25 N-2: The McRib? Gone forever, never to return. And more!

CARTOON: Pandora's Box

You're backfired. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Revised Lyrics to "Midnight Train to Georgia"

So, he called up some folks / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / And asked for thousands more votes / (Wooh, wooh, wooh-wooh) / Scheming for a way to get back, to the life he once knew / Oh, yes he did, he said he would / Oh-oh, he’s cheating (Cheating)

CARTOON: December 32nd

Alternate time facts. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

Quiz: Trump Pardon/Not A Trump Pardon

1. Boris and Natasha (Espionage, Attempted kidnapping of Moose and Squirrel) 2. Charles Manson (Cult Leader) 3. Susan B Anthony (Resisting Arrest) and more!

CARTOON: Lil Donnie Gifts

It starts early. Today's cartoon by Ron Hauge.

Fired and 14 Other Potential Magazine Covers for Trump

Creeple, Trolling Stoned, Poor Sports Illustrated, and more!

Memo from the Office of the Vice Chancellor of the Lizard Overlord Project to the Costuming Department

And what is going on with Bill Barr’s facial unit?  The prototype we were shown had a full range of mobility and expression.  The unit in the field now has become the target of ridicule and given rise to unwelcome notoriety through slurs like “Resting Bill Barr Face” and “Attorney General Grumpy Cat”.

CARTOON: Final Stages Of White House Employment

Trump GOP carousel. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Criminal Insurance

I'll make less of a mess. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Done yet?

Happy Thanksgiving! Today's cartoon by Teresa Burns Parkhurst.

Trump Turkey Pardon

We just need a signature here, here and here....everything will be taken care of, and then the turkey and his family will be in no way held liable for any crimes past or present. But if there's any room for disagreement, I may be willing to haggle regarding a member or two of the turkey's family. Like the turkey's sons, just as one example.

CARTOON: Pardon Me?

Get stuffed. Today's cartoon by Andrew Dicus.

The Art of the Memoir by Donald J. Trump

Chapter 3- Growing Up: My Dad was a Nazi, and if you’d asked me when I was a boy if that would help me relate to people, I’d have said “no.” But, as it turns out, “yes.”

CARTOON: Futile

Why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

What to Do When Your Screaming Autocrat Won’t Leave the White House

Offer a choice. This will make him feel like he has some say in the matter, even though he doesn’t. “On the way home, do you want us to keep counting the votes in Pennsylvania or stop counting them?”

The Bigliest Sore Loser and 14 Other Future Reality Shows for The Post Presidency Trumps to Appear On

Criminal Double Jeopardy, Lame Duck Dynasty, The Bigliest Sore Loser, and more!

Agatha Christie Heroine Responds to Trump's Attempted Coup by Taking an Ample Breakfast

Upon reading the news, in the East Chipping Gazette, that US President Donald Trump refused to concede the election – which he lost handily to Joseph R. Biden Jr in both the electoral and popular vote – British murder mystery ingenue Daphne Hammond closed the paper and asked Griselda to bring in a second poached egg, and sugar for the tea.

Daniel Tiger Loses A Presidential Election

DANIEL: I refuse to concede! Prince Wednesday, I need you to hold a press conference to announce that all of the votes were illegal and I'm president. Book a venue, get me the Doubletree. PRINCE WEDNESDAY: You got it, DT.

CARTOON: Seedy Sources

Also President Trump is in amazing shape and smells tremendous. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: Just A Flesh Wound

I'll bite your ankles! Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

CARTOON: Trump Tales

Fascist Fairy Tales. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

The 5 Stages Of Grief, Election Loss Edition

Bargaining (With Rudy) In a nice twist on a classic, the two biggest rats are desperately clinging to one another as the ship quickly sinks.    Do your final sneaky, slimy favors for one another for old times sake, and then please just disappear beneath the surface of the water forever.

CARTOON: Soon

Stand by to re-inflate. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Other Ways to Describe the Election Right Now Besides “A Real Nail-Biter”

An authentic democracy strainer, A good ol’ fashioned hope chomper, An honest-to-goodness reason for cable news anchors to tap smartboards and say “What are we looking at?” when what we’re looking at is actually nothing, and more!

My Aunt’s Facebook Status Election Coverage

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate squirrels? I swear they’re taking over this country. Vote to keep out the squirrels! HAHA. I pepper spray them and they don’t even move.

CARTOON: Undecided

What's it going to be Harvey? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

The Most Reliable Alternatives to Mail-in Voting

Text your vote to American Idol. Host a ballot reveal party. And more!

CARTOON: Away!

He's rounding the corner! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Welcome to Deplorables: Portland’s First Alt-Right Craft Brewery

Deep State Dunkel: Enjoy the smooth malty flavor of this beer while you swap your favorite Obama conspiracy theories over a game of cornhole. Did he kill JFK? Probably!

CARTOON: Scariest Costume

Gave me chills. Today's cartoon by Grayson Gibbs.

Other Methods Of Keeping Trump In Line At The Debate

Stagehand frantically waving a double quarter-pounder with cheese from off camera if he begins to go on a maniacal tirade. Superglue Chapstick. Ejector seat / catapult. And more!

CARTOON: Elephant in the Room

The elephant in the room. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOONS: Wet Results

Rock the Moat. Today's cartoon by Dan Misdea.

CARTOON: Scariest Decorations

Terrifying. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Steps To Deprogramming A Trump Follower

Lure the Trump supporter to a tantalizing mock-up garage sale, featuring items such as confederate flag shot-glasses and beer cozies, back issues of Guns & Ammo, and collectible figurines and snow-globes that feature Jesus punching a hippie in the mouth.

CARTOON: Fortune

NEED TO KNOW! Today's cartoon by Lila Ash.

CARTOON: Jumped The Shark

"Damn, Season 45 was Crazy!" "Yeah, but the whole Virus plotline was over the top."

CARTOON: White House Gift Shop

Great new gifts in the White House shop! The are infectious! Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and Scott Dooley.

Mike Pence’s Fly Guy Guide to Style

Add a fly mask for some mystery!

Suggested Snacks For The Vice Presidential Debate

QAnonfat yogurt dip, KamalaTov Cocktails, Black Olives Matter, and more!

CARTOON: Covidiot

Can't take my freedumb! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

New “He’s Back” Fundraising Menu

$10,000 entering a vehicle he’s paraded in. $15,000 having Kayleigh breathe on you $20,000 enjoying a make out session with Hope (normal rates slashed in half!) 

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! The King and Queen Have the Bubonic Plague!

Doth not tremble in cowardliness! Though many of us have fallen from these maladies and the King hast told us to do nothing to prevent the maladies from ravaging many of us, there is no reason to believe his wisdom won’t lead him to victory.

CARTOON: Trump Bug

Looking a little orange? Today's cartoon by Jack Loftus.

NEWS BRIEFS: Infected

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

CARTOON: Results Are In

Results are in. Today's cartoon by Jason Chatfield and Scott Dooley.

Seven New Rules to Ensure the Second Presidential Debate will be more Presidential than the First

Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate's microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.

Backstage At The Biden / Trump Presidential Debate

Minutes before the debate, Trump desperately attempting to purchase the answers to moderator Chris Wallace's debate questions. Karen Pence giving a sternly worded lecture about eye contact to Kamala Harris. And more!

Weekly Humorist's Election Season Forecast Calendar

Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening's debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.

CARTOON: Mitch's Simple Rules

Consistent government is our best chance. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

Less Evil & Catastrophic, But Still Fairly Disturbing, Bombshell Revelations From Bob Woodward's Rage

Claims that, during his previous campaign, he didn't reveal to the American people that he was going to be such a shitty president because he "didn't want to create a panic".

CARTOON: Whodunit?

Need a clue? Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

CARTOON: Vlads Lads

And more juggling jokes of a government... Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Hot Air

Yet we feel deflated. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

Dracula Plans To Visit Village of Recent Vampire Attack

Your town’s Baron, the pathetic bag of flesh, is not doing a good job of maintaining law and order. He has stoked your anarchy by suggesting that I am somehow complicit in these vampire attacks. Am I the King Vampire? Yes. Do I have control over those whom I turn into the un-dead? Yes. Should I intervene when vampires attack villagers? Over my un-dead body.

CARTOON: Mindless Buzz

Mindless Buzz. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Updated Classics That Reflect Our Current Times

A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!

CARTOON: Leader?

Let's circle back. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Pick-Up Lines To Use At A Trump Rally

"Hey good lookin', could I buy you a drink to wash down that handful of hydroxychloroquine?"

CARTOON: Steve Bannon Gets The Wall Built

Stacks and stacks of greenbacks. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: RNC Speakers

Really stacking that talent roster. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Hallmark Channel Presents: Alt-right Rom-coms!

Carrying a Tiki Torch For You: Small town patriots Kirk and Allie meet while protesting the removal of a Confederate statue and sparks fly—literally, from their flaming tiki torches! Kirk falls fast for Allie, but in order to save the family hardware store, Kirk has already agreed to marry an Harvard-educated lady lawyer who voted for Hillary. Can Kirk find a way to save the store, be with the woman he loves, and maybe even lock up his fiancée?

I, Henry VIII Am Signing a Posthumous Pardon for My Wives Who I Had Executed for Unsubstantiated Reasons

A woman should always be held to an unimaginably higher standard than a man. How else will we know they’re worthy of bearing our children or looking after property that they can never legally own?

Upcoming Headlines We're Sure To See...

"Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present" "Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol" And more.

Historical Figures Who Deserve to Be on Mt. Rushmore More Than Donald Trump

My brief, feeble attempt at a quarantine mustache. Any puppy ever. And more!

CARTOON: GOP Venues

Maybe stay for a while. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Every Boat Counts

Just get in the F#cking boat. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

Goosebumps for Reopening Cities

GRAVE NEW WORLD: Michael’s government keeps telling him it’s safe to resume normal life, even though he sees on the news that hundreds of people are still dying every day from a highly contagious virus that has no cure. Michael’s government wouldn’t be telling him to deliberately risk his and his loved ones’ health for the vague and ghoulish goal of “reopening the economy”...would it?

Ways In Which The Axios Interview Could Have Gone Worse For Trump

Trump admits finally that the true source of the Coronavirus is the unprotected sex between he and Stormy Daniels.

CARTOON: Lemmings

Freedoom. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Back To School

Melting young minds. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

CARTOON: Full Endorsement

Numbers are climbing fast, don't miss out! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Examining The Medical Prowess Of Donald Trump: Other Examples Of His Insightful Brilliance

“Using a tanning bed on it’s highest setting for several hours every day is great for you. If it weren’t, why would it make you , or me, look so healthy and photogenic?”

Goodbye Birds

But so long most of all, to the one we called regal. Goodbye to our very own proud bald eagle.

CARTOON: Young Trump

Non-learning started early. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Other Ways That Trump Will Probably Try To Distract Us From The Pandemic 

Play a few rounds of golf in the Arlington National Cemetery.  And more!

CARTOON: Football Fries

Waked and Baked. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Whale Tale

What have you got to lose? Besides your leg, everyone on the ship, the ship itself and...Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Antifa

Antifa's been around a while. They were very effective fighting Hitler back then too.

CARTOON: The Little Dutchboy 2020

The tiny fingers won't work. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Star Wars if All The Bad Guys Refused to Wear Their Masks

Onboard the Death Star, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo try to disguise themselves as Stormtroopers. Everyone recognizes them immediately because Stormtroopers don’t wear masks.

It is I, Ramp

Honestly dude, you need to take a look in the mirror.  So, you almost fell down a ramp and embarrassed yourself.  Shit happens.  President Ford nearly fell down the steps descending an airplane back in ‘75.  He didn’t blame tweet the flight of stairs.  He laughed it off and continued serving his unremarkable term.   

CARTOON: MORE RALLY VENUES

Always read the fine print! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

If 'Wartime President' Trump Had Been President During Past U.S. Wars

War of 1812: Grabs all portraits of the previous presidents when the British set fire to the White House, and then throws the paintings into the blaze.  Expresses disappointment that the “rat-infested” city of Baltimore is successfully defended.  Later takes credit for writing “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

CARTOON: Mirror Mirror

Overkill. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: War Crime Prez

Much more accurate. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Hey New York Times, I went ahead and edited that Tom Cotton piece for you

Since it seems the actual NY Times Opinion “Editors” were asleep at the wheel on this one, I went ahead and edited that Tom Cotton opinion piece for you. I’ll be sending you an invoice.

CARTOON: Heating Up

Is it hot in here, or it is just your impending doom? Today's cartoon by Scott Dooley and Jason Chatfield.

CARTOON: Peaced Out

This ain't no dove glove. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

CARTOON: The End...

I'll just see myself out. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Trump's Other Photo-Op's You Might Have Missed

Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!

CARTOON: Donald Trump - President Provocateur

Would know those tiny hands anywhere. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

COVID-19 Business E-mail Alerts You May Have Missed...

And as this pandemic has proven, there are a lot of dangerous, mentally unbalanced people posting less than truthful information on Twitter. From Russian bots and opportunistic hate groups to the president and his family, there are many unsavory predators lurking on Twitter.

CARTOON: Jarring

I swear we need a bigger jar. Today's cartoon by Catherine Martha Holmes.

CARTOON: Ratings Gold

Did you see? Number 1 on all the networks. Today's cartoon by Tom Chitty.

CARTOON: Inspection

Looks perfect here, masks not required. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Newly Discovered Side Effects of Hydroxychloroquine

Side Effects include: Distrust of medical professionals, Urge to ingest Lysol Wipes, Late night rage tweeting, and more.