LinkedIn Says You’re 87% Qualified to Be the Next Pope. Here’s How to Glow Up Your Profile.
Add a profile photo wearing at least three miters stacked like a theological turducken. Cardinals scroll past single-mitered profiles without mercy.
Endorse the Holy Trinity as your top connection and be sure to wish the Holy Ghost a happy work anniversary.
Message Vatican recruiters with a friendly “Peace Be with You” before ghosting them for three days, then miraculously reappearing in their inbox.
Add buzzwords like “synergistic spirituality” and “mission-driven omnipotence” to your About section.
Include a portfolio slide deck with a catchy name like “Miracles I’ve Performed & The KPIs That Made Them Happen”.
Upload a 30-second video where you deliver your elevator pitch to make salvation scalable, while standing on church steps with a sunbeam hitting you just right.
Include a “Break from Work” section to suggest a 40-day sabbatical in the desert. Burnout is real, even for would-be messiahs.
Upload media samples like your “Call Her Daddy” podcast interview, incense unboxings, and your Twitch livestream of Easter Mass.
Take the Vatican Skills Assessment™ to prove you’re fluent in Latin, forgiveness, and discreet scandal management.
Upload your baptism certificate, first communion Polaroids, and that one janky video of you maybe performing a miracle (or just some really impressive sleight of hand).
Mention a deep understanding of the Vatican HR process. Say you are self-taught via repeated screenings of “Conclave” and loud, wine-fueled religious debates during Sip & Paint nights.
Reactivate your LinkedIn Premium trial so you can see which cardinals viewed your profile and didn’t endorse you. Divine forgiveness doesn’t extend to professional jealousy.
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J.K. Radomski is a Canadian freelance writer whose words have appeared in newspapers such as The Seattle Post-Intelligencer and The Rocky Mountain News, as well as a number of magazines and trade publications like The Hollywood Reporter. He enjoys one-hit-wonders from the ‘80s, binge watches a lot of TV, drinks Lagavulin, and contemplates the lives of pygmy marmosets in his spare time. Follow him on Twitter @tvwriter
