When I was introduced to the world, while walking down the red carpet, it was unlike the kitchen in every way. Instead of dirty plates and dishes indicating my workload for the hour, there were women and children. 

I bet you’re excited to see what I’m going to say and how it’s going to cause such strong second-hand embarrassment that you’ll sweat profusely, nervously knock over your drink, or head to the bathroom with stress-induced diarrhea. The best part: I’m only loosely connected to the happy couple so I really shouldn’t be talking in the first place.

Q: Was Jesus’s tomb chocolate? A: No, it was stone. Jesus isn’t Willy Wonka. He’s not munching his way out of his tomb to the high-pitched cheers of Oompa-Loompas. This is serious.

Learning new TikTok dances from 12-year-olds in the security line.

We notice your playlist entitled “Stacey,” which is no doubt intended for your lovely wife. While the collection of 80s soft rock is a flattering gesture on your part, our records indicate that the only person who has ever listened to this playlist is you, alone in your darkened basement, with wine. We find this a tad cringe.

Whistling conveys a sense of carefreeness and nonchalance. I have never felt carefree or nonchalant. Whistling in a carefree and nonchalant manner alerts the mysterious forces at work (the ones that control Murphy’s Law) that you are enjoying life a bit too much, and now, something bad must happen. 

Hey there! We saw you failed your NYPD psychological evaluation a record 11 times. Sounds like someone is playing the long game for an exciting, rewarding career with ICE. Let’s chat. Just not in public. Reply YES to schedule a virtual meet-n-greet.

As your elected leader, it is my job to identify who is responsible for this mess. Since it isn’t me, I’ll let you know once I’ve cracked the code.

Texas: The Lone Star Stands For Our Yelp Review, And more!

When your partner refuses to get rid of his stretched-out t-shirt, put it directly in the trash bin outside.

Why, yes, I also grew up playing team sports and they made me who I am today. I strongly agree that working in a team environment is just like playing sports. I am an all-around athlete who dabbled in all the sports, cerebrally. 

It's time to bring humanity back to air travel, one tasteful…

A Nightmare on Elm Street: “If Nancy doesn’t wake up screaming, we haven’t done our jobs properly.”

However, we understand that some women, especially in blue states, may be weak and need help getting through pregnancy-related discomfort, so based on extensive research including many ideas kicked around on podcasts where everyone was super-high, we at the HHS are now ready to recommend the ancient method of pain management known as “biting down on a stick.”

Replace a dead wife. The impetus for your governess services is due to the presence of a dead adult female partner. This is crucial, given that you will certainly develop a romantic relationship with the children’s father. The presence of a living female partner makes it difficult (though not impossible) to consummate such a relationship. There’s also no stopping this course of action because you are irresistible. You will be serving as a mother figure to the younger generation in the household. However, be prepared for statements such as “You’re not my real mom!” because you are not in fact the children’s real mom. She is dead or locked in the attic.  

I just want to start by saying that I absolutely adored my time here at your hotel and will be recommending it to all my friends and family. It was even better than last time and I noticed you have made great strides in removing the loose Band-Aids from your pool - you’re almost there! 

I’ll stream your radio-friendly edit, but I’m downloading the explicit version.

Replacing Mr. Rogers’ Sweater and Shoes with Mr. Roger Stone’s Nixon Tattoo

How many licks to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? Who gives a shit? How about you go put on some goddamn pants? 

There were no customers this morning. So, after dusting off the cardboard display promoting Judge Dredd, I started typing up this case on the typewriter up front, keeping one eye on the door and the register. It’s noon as I type this, and you still haven’t shown up. Think about that. There are two of us. Who is the best employee this month?

Throw it into a dark, mysterious alley and see if it opens a Hellgate. Use as part of the tip for your favorite stripper. And more!

Patsy and Butch: Met at a Denny’s two miles down the road from the drug rehab center where they had both been just released; three days later now and they’re engaged to be married and are planning on starting a satanic cult together. And more!

The sum total amount of respect I get around here is zero. That’s point five less than one half unit of respect, the lowest amount legally allowed. On a scale of one to ten, the amount of respect I get is one but only because zero is not part of the scale. So what do I gotta do? Stick a firework up my ass and set it off?

And they’re off! The bandwagon and the showboat. A matchup decades in the making, a contest long sought by fans of vehicular sports metaphors. And now it’s here: The Race, presented by Merriam-Webster.

 Oops, Wrong Button: When you accidentally target a hospital instead of a military base.

Spring cleaning is an ancient tradition, dating back to when cave dwellers first realized that last season’s mammoth bones were starting to attract wolves. Today, the ritual persists, but with more existential dread and fewer saber-toothed tigers.

2/13/2025 at 2:17 am :Thanks so much for agreeing to water my plants! Wanted to give you the rundown: Just fill up the measuring cup next to the sink with water and share it among the plants. Then, do 400 jumping jacks near my window so the water settles and distributes evenly. That’s it! Thanks again, Chica!

Avenue Qanon, Scamilton, The Lyin’ King, and more!

I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t it a bit much to ask someone to tip you enough to purchase a local coffeehouse in exchange for a 3-minute read? How much does a coffee shop cost, anyway? It’s got to be a lot, right? Are we talking independent or franchise? Do you even know the first thing about running such an establishment?

Why am I, a private citizen, recommending federal personnel actions on social media?  How am I literally running the entire government right now? The answer to all of those questions is that hundreds of elected officials are just straight up letting me. I honestly did not think it would be this easy.

I see you nursing that drink, and it feels like fate. How about we blow this juke joint and head on over that way? Don’t get me wrong—this bar has its charm, but it ain’t the El Dorado… Picture this: you, me, a bottle of wine… up on the rooftop, where no one’s been stabbed for weeks. 

Which of the following most excites you about DOGE? Rank the below choices from “rockin’” to “bitchin’”: __ Denying food to starving children __ Cutting off HIV drugs from people who will die without them __ Screwing with my elder relatives’ Social Security payments And more!

Next month on CBS, the storm has cleared and six of the hunkiest men you’ve ever seen are dropped off onto UNO island where they’ll compete to find last season’s missing hunks. Rescued contestants get dealt in to the finale game of UNO, but only one will leave with the Wild Card Queen (as long as she is also found). 

Getting your steps in: Why else would you be walking to the Gatorade water tank 100 yards away from your table. To get water? Um, no. You didn’t even want water, and those 10,000 steps aren’t going to step themselves. The only thing worse than the shame of being seen self-serving yourself a one oz. cup of water like you’re a 7-year-old at a tee-ball game is dying early from heart disease after leading a sedentary lifestyle. 

Air Bud NASCAR: Need for Breed

Hey, Greg. No, you’re not hallucinating; it’s me, your popcorn bowl. I know we don’t normally do this, but I don’t know how much time we have, so I’d appreciate it if you listen to what I have to say. Greg, I am a popcorn bowl. That means I hold popcorn, not throw up.

Could this stall be the setting of our meet cute? And more!

If someone knows their high score in The Addams Family pinball game, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: A very suggestive Cousin Itt) If someone has a Snoopy tattoo, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Gumby) And more!

June 15: Flannel-Clad Alien Spills Pabst on Voyager Space Probe’s Golden Record: Just a week before moving out of range of human contact, Voyager 1 is found by aliens not so different from ourselves, as one in flannel spills a can of Pabst on the Golden Record. The priceless item is salvaged, thankfully, due to planet Xorbia’s few remaining record players being equipped with a rewind button for time itself. Still, gas cloud elders banish Gary to the eye of Jupiter’s storm for one year.

Crack O’ Lantern:   You’ve heard about using an apple as a bong, but how about using a hollow pumpkin for smoking some crack?   Just don’t do it on your front porch, maybe.

This indictment is about something far more important: financial impropriety.

Whether you are looking to audition for a lead role in The Corpse Bride, play a more convincing ogre at your next Halloween gathering, or simply incur years of pinched nerves and excruciating headaches, we guarantee that you are going to deepen your understanding of this skill and its practical applications.

Wildlife researchers at the University of Wisconsin — Oshkosh found that nearly 50 percent of instances where a bear might charge is due to the fact that this is a coffee shop and you ordered an iced mocha. If your total is $6.50, calmly tap your card, wish the bear a pleasant rest of their day, and go about your business. However, if the screen displays a tip option, be careful not to hit 10 percent. Studies found that this will agitate the bear. 

Son, back in my day, bizkits were limp, nary a pumpkin wasn’t smashed, and systems were actually made from a real down. Can you believe it?

I knew the whole “turn Black” thing was a winner. And demanding that someone “look into” Kamala’s ethnicity? That’s some 2015-era birtherism right there. Tried and true. And viola. We’re back in business, baby.