Posts

Notable Author Cameos in the Film Adaptations of Their Books

'Misery', 'Pet Semetary', 'Christine', 'The Running Man', 'The Shawshank Redemption'...In every adaptation of one of his books, Stephen King’s smiling face is visible in the lower left corner of the screen at all times.

Every Human on Earth Looks at Least 30% More Attractive in a Blazer

Not sold on the Blazer Theory? Try picturing every one of your exes. Now, picture them wearing blazers. If you’re still not convinced, repeat the experiment, but replace your exes with your least favorite politicians, or the zombies from The Walking Dead...

Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir

'Cancel Cancel Culture: Canceling Cancelation', 'Me First and You Maybe', 'My Pride and My Prejudice', and more!

Top 20 Predictions For 2023 by Nostradamus’ Cousin Barney

Laura Ingram promises she will no longer brake for babies or kittens. Snoop Dogg will become Speaker of the House. Lincoln Center is converted into pickleball courts. And more!

10 New Year’s Resolutions Jason Definitely Wants Me to Keep This Year

I will sign up for an advanced crochet class to keep my hands busy during Jason’s softball practice (which is every Tuesday and Thursday). I will go to the gym, but only the one where the local softball team, the Beavers, work out. I will not let my past failures to become Jason’s girlfriend define me. And more!

How to Tell if You’re Lighting the Menorah or Gaslighting the Jewish People

If you’re hanging out with Jewish friends around sundown during the week of Hanukkah, and you say something like ‘the history of Jewish suffering is overrated,” you’re both lighting and gaslighting. 

I'm Yukon Cornelius, Aerosmith's Original Front Man

Being a Gemini, I’ve always been torn between being the center of attention and isolating myself in the stark abandoned wilderness. Truth be told, though I’ve found myself center stage in front of large crowds, my heart has always longed for silence and solitude. 

FOOD & WHINE Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue

The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!

CARTOON: Parents Plans

See you in 15-20. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Full Frontal

Backless is in. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch

The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it's topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch.  Below is the transcript of that talk.

Talkward w/ guest Amy Fusselman

This episode of Talkward welcomes Amy Fusselman, author of the new novel 'The Means' which follows the character Shelly Means and her hilarious quest to own a beach house in the Hamptons. Shipping containers, talking dogs, anger management classes, and vision boards make up this very funny book. Follow her @amyfusselman and http://amyfusselman.com

We at the Bob Committee Are Here to Diversify Your Company

Finding a replacement CEO can be stressful. For every million dollar salary and annual incentive-based award of $25 million, there are very few candidates who are right for the job. It’s a challenge we at the Bob Committee know well. From Bob I. to Bob C. back to Bob I., we are here to help diversify your company with white men over 60 named Bob.

9 Classic Cocktails for Dreaded Family Gatherings

Old Fashioned Passive Aggressive Barb: Served by your mother-in-law, this multi-layered concoction includes everything from your parenting choices to the fact you use avocado based mayonnaise and returned a shower gift nine years ago. Top with a maraschino cherry, unless that’s “not organic” enough for you.

The Final Diary Entries From the Turkey That The President Did Not Pardon

Just as I begin to feel at peace with my impending death, I think about the turkey that the president is pardoning tomorrow. It isn’t fair. I don’t even know who it is yet, but it isn’t fair. If it’s Marvin and his ball sack-looking ass neck I’m gonna scream.

Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage

OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.

Things Not To Ask Your Doctor About

P.E. ( Pasta Elbow) P.A.B ( Passive Aggressive Breathing while sleeping) and more things to not ask your doctor about.

Twitter.com's Exchanges & Returns

Before you publicly announce your intention to purchase this long standing social media site please be sure of the following: Log onto Twitter and ask yourself, "Do I want this?" I mean it. Open Twitter and actually say out loud, "Do I want to be the owner of this nightmare?"

Fight Or Flight Or Flex

You’re walking along and you see a house engulfed in flames. Fight: You immediately run into the house and rescue the family trapped inside. Flight: You get out of the way, giving firefighters space to rescue the family trapped inside. Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex really hard at the house fire with the family trapped inside.

As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me

I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.

I’m the Cologuard Box, and I Can Diagnose your Personality Disorder

Who takes a cute little box with a face and limbs and rips him open to insert poop? I’ll tell you who–people with problems. Which is why I’m now equipped to tell you what’s wrong with your personality. And believe me, there is something wrong with you. You’re pooping in a box.

Talkward w/ guest Gary Almeter

This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writer and author Gary Almeter! Gary's new humor book 'The Official Dream Dinner Party Handbook' explores the question: If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who do you pick? How do you choose? And how can it all go terribly wrong? It's very funny and you should buy it right now! https://bit.ly/dreamdinnerparty

Looming Threat of a Recession? Here's 8 Surefire Money Saving Tips!

Make Showering Dates: What better way to get to know that causal Facebook acquaintance or neighbor than to ask to use their shower? One look into their bathroom cabinet and you’ll find everything you need to know about them (even painfully intimate details). And, not only will you save on your water bill by racking up theirs, you’ll increasing your lifespan! Studies show people with more social connections live longer!

I Am Happy with My Choice to Remain Childless. Also, Call Me “Uncle Jon.” You Must Care for Me When I Am Old. 

Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.

Transcript From The Recent Emergency Meeting Of The Multiversal Council Of Kanyes

Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I'm sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND- Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?

Spoiled: A Visual Diary of Compromised Groceries

I left my fridge cracked open all night. Please do not judge me. It was very much an accident and I very much need your help. In our current apocalypse, I can’t afford to throw out anything unnecessarily. After all, groceries are gold, and we will soon be forced to use soft cheeses and gluten free English muffins to barter with Bezo-Muskians for safe passage off Earth! Is it spoiled?

'So Your Fiancée Woke Up with a Pumpkin Head, Now What?'

Now that there’s a huge pumpkin head walking around your house - meals are going to be a little trickier than normal. If however you eat all of your meals alone while hiding in a closet then please, skip this step. Food is going to be a problem because your lover has no way of eating it - she just has three goofy teeth and no jaw motion whatsoever.

Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials

If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn't Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer's vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!

I, Michael Myers, Want a Restraining Order Against Laurie Strode

I’ve been shot, stabbed, lit on fire, poked through the eye with a wire hanger — the list goes on. All have been her doing. Other acts of violence have been outright demeaning as well. Just last year, while a vicious mob had me surrounded in the street, some old lady struck me with, of all things, an iron. Like I’m just one big joke.

I Will No Longer Unsubscribe

Just for fun, I post my social security number on Reddit. I change all my passwords to “whatever,” and my security questions to Highlights Magazine word-searches. I change my political affiliation to “undecided, seeking suggestions.” I start trials on every streaming service, even fake ones like Paramount+. Like an unsupervised child, I allow any and all cookies. I haven’t cleared my cache in weeks and yet, mentally, I’ve never been clearer. Instead of URL I see “You are loved.”

How Not to Come to Terms with Your Unread Books in Twenty-Five Steps

1) Most were purchased at your local independent bookstore. Take pride that you’ve supported a small business during a pandemic. Remind self that store is currently doing fine, and no more books are needed for now. 2) See books you bought Tuesday and Wednesday. Realize you should have written out step one on Monday...

Lesser-Known Quitting Styles

Tom Brady Quitting: You announce your retirement, spend 40 days at home with three kids, and then announce your comeback. 

How to Hold Your Therapist’s Attention

Paint a Pretty Picture: Describe the people in your life as more attractive than they are. A good-looking cast begets a good, listening therapist. Vividly detail stunning features, exotic locales, and witty repartee. Consider giving your characters catchphrases. For example: “Now that’s what I call a doughnut, volume cake!” It makes sense in context.

The Republican Emperors Hereby Present You With An Opportunity To Become Esteemed Gladiators 

We’re not kidnapping you, and we’re not forcing you to fight against your will. You aren’t pawns in some elaborate game... You are prized gladiator fighters– royalty even! As proof, here’s a gift card to McDonald's, and some armor we’ve crafted out of recycled Diet Coke cans.

Things People Say to Writers Translated

"You wrote a book! How exciting!" (Oh you poor delusional fool!) “Where do you get your ideas?” (You seem so dull in real life.) “Will I recognize any of the characters?” (Am I in it and can I sue you? )

Just Desserts (Revenge Bakery Menu)

Key Lyme Disease Pie, Carrot Top Cake, S'ores, and more!

Pool Rules for Dan

No peeing in the pool. No bodily fluids of any kind at any time. So stop getting in the pool after you’ve had three Coronas, Dan. And keep your snot-nosed kids out of the water too. They scare me. The older one said he knows how I’m going to die. 

Non-Sexist Things That Bros Come Before

Cloves: Don’t even think about prioritizing these dried aromatic buds over your real buds. It doesn’t matter if you’ve watched a YouTube video titled The 8 Surprising Health Benefits of Cloves. Repeat after me: “Bros before cloves!”

For Dummies By Dummies

That is why we’ve developed a new series, For Dummies By Dummies ®.  In each For Dummies By Dummies ® book, we have real, unqualified lay people posing as experts writing to other real, unqualified lay people in a way that is both relatable and completely unreliable. Join us in celebrating some of our newest titles!

A Modern Guide To Translating Small Talk

"Pretty chilly today!" usually means "The army of rabid weasels that I control with my mind can be here before you have a chance to remove me from these premises."

Shocking Truths of the Cereal Mascots

Toucan Sam hasn’t paid his taxes in 30 years. The Raisin Bran sun cyber-bullies his daughter’s classmates. Cap’n Crunch only ever took to the sea to avoid a manslaughter charge in Virginia. And more!

As A Mason Jar, I’ve Had Enough of These Barn Weddings

Do you ever feel like you had a specific purpose in life, but then you were called to do something different? And it doesn’t feel right? Recently I was visiting my cousin, Ball, who’s been upcycled as a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser. He never knew he was going to become a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser, but he said he feels like his life is full.

At UnitedHealthcare We’re Addressing Your Medical Expense Concerns By Ignoring You and Redesigning Our Website

Instead of tying up health providers with your selfish medical dilemmas, have you tried typing your symptoms into WebMD and begging your loving God for mercy? Prayers don’t cost anything. Maybe try praying more and leave those doctors and nurses alone. They’re way too busy trying to navigate our labyrinthine reimbursement policies.

Thank You For Listening To Our Podcast!

And of course, Kate, we have to thank our fans. As two born-and-raised Californians, we couldn’t insert ourselves into Keystone local politics, sift through heaps of data you have no way of knowing were gathered accurately or ethically, and break it all down for you in-between absolutely incessant bickering week after week without listenership analytics that keep our production company happy.

Talkward w/ guest Craig Thomas

This episode features the very talented comedy writer and TV producer Craig Thomas! Craig is the co-creator, executive producer, and writer of “How I Met Your Mother,” which received 30 Emmy Award nominations in its nine-season run. Before that he wrote for 'The Late Show with David Letterman' and 'American Dad!'. Craig is also an accomplished musician and songwriter! Most recently his prose has been published in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Weekly Humorist and soon, The Iowa Review. Follow him on twitter at @HIMYMCraig

Acceptable Mermaid Skin Tones: A Guide for Racists

*Not a comprehensive guide: mermaids are fictional creatures.

CARTOON: Boxed Up

Neat and tidy. Today's cartoon by Frega DiPerri.

PSA from an Internet Troll 

“Internet trolls” need better PR. Our slogan should be something like: Providing A Pro-Bono Reality Check One Comment at a Time! Because, contrary to popular opinion, we don’t muck up the  internet. We nudge people to their senses.

Totally Straight High School News Your Administration Will Approve Of

Homecoming Court Includes No Students With Hair Dyed Purple, Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography, English Department Announces Pronouns No Longer Allowed in Student Writing, and more!

The Finalists for Mindfulness Magician of the Year!

The Great Laverne / Real Name: Etherea Sparkle / Signature Illusion: Escaping a toxic relationship.

Eloise is STILL at The Plaza 

I am Eloise. I am twenty-nine. I am an adult (ish). I STILL live at The Plaza. I know it’s not as cool to live in Midtown anymore. But my mom refuses to buy me a loft in DUMBO. Which is RAWTHER frustrating! So here I am living amongst tourists, tourists, tourists!

CARTOON: List Fits

Watch a sunrise or a thousand. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill.

CARTOON: Trunk Bunk

Strife of the party. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.

Dear Hogwarts, I Am Absolutely Begging You To Fund the Humanities 

Let’s start with hiring history professors who, unlike Professor Binns, happen to be alive. All the other ghosts at Hogwarts are either house mascots or dead students, and it’s unconscionable that we still employ a ghost to teach the humanities while Defense Against the Dark Arts, whose faculty have included a Voldemort-denier and a parasitic host for Voldemort himself, seems to get a new – breathing – teacher annually.

God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins

Think about the prayer economy! If we forgive too many sins, then there won’t be enough prayers for salvation coming in to sustain our Saints. Plus, a lot of people wish for ice luges in their Forever Paradise in the Sky. Do you know how expensive those are? If we get an unprecedented influx of people coming into heaven, all wishing for their own personal ice luge, I’m going to have to start laying off angels.

Last Minute Budget Summer Vacation Suggestions

PruneFest! Spend an idyllic summer afternoon in the company of friends and loved ones, savoring the sweet scents and flavors of a wide variety of prunes, prune jams and jellies, prune wine, plus workshops on using prunes to improve everything from your chi and sex life to sleep patterns.  Look out for Pruney Paul and his green basket of prunes, it's all he eats and it shows (smells)! As usual with this particular event, porta-potties are in high demand yet short supply, so please plan accordingly.

#PotSports

Hot Boxing, Ping Bong, Kentucky Doobie, and more #PotSports on this week's trending joke game!

Quiz: Are You a Worker Under Late Stage Capitalism or a Monkey Trying to Type Shakespeare as Part of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?

Have your wages kept up with the cost of living? A. No. I haven’t received a raise in years! And my company doesn’t offer cost of living increases to keep apace with inflation, either. B. emnc fiv hj jdp38v  kig  id xivjf cxji xv  romeo

What Your Favorite Restaurant Bread Says About You

Cheesecake Factory Brown Bread and Baguettes: Congratulations, fancy pants! Is your cummerbund too tight? Much like the baguette on the table, you likely have a bunch of stuff that’s just for show in your home, like a room in your house just for sitting. 

Summer Barbecue Tips from the Supreme Court of the United States

Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!

Meet the Animal Mayors Running, Scampering, and Flying for Reelection in 2022

Tippy the Tortoise | Florida: Affectionately known as the “Marsh Monarch,” Tippy has been mayor of this coastal city for 95 years. He has seen mighty politicians rise and fall, and yet he has remained. Despite a rumored networth of $7B, he has been plagued by financial troubles: he has sired thousands of children and his exes are all extremely litigious.

REVIEW: The Disastrous Dating Life Of Diane Damone

The basic rom-com set-up of "woman with a less-than-satisfactory dating history going on a series of romantic misadventures" is given a fresh coat of paint by some very funny writing, and by Brittany herself, who is as funny as she is charming and likable (which is to say, very).

The 5 Stages of Grief Automated Voice Message System

Now tell me: Would you do anything to bring your friend or loved one back? If so, say “BARGAINING”. You can also say, “I’M STILL ANGRY” or throw your phone out the window. / Bargaining. / Sounds like you’re currently in a state of BARGAINING. Would you like to hear about exclusive travel deals from our sponsors? / No. / Got it. We’ll still text you with those offers after this call...

CARTOON: Hellish Terms

Devil's in the details. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill

CARTOON: Airflow

Easy breezy. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.

StreetEasy Listings From Your Broker, Edgar Allan Poe

With heat and water to mortals given - / But their electricity, without Verizon/ MUST YOU REALLY NEED THAT DOG OR CAT?/ As ample storage a plenty, uncommon as is/ Trade thy Australian Shephard for stainless steel appliances 

Jabba the Husband

(This is Jabba the Hutt’s middle class, suburban life.  We see Jabba as a bedraggled commuter, with loosened tie, squashed fedora and a newspaper under his arm.) “What a day I had. You know that servant girl in the gold bikini?  She tried to strangle me! Then three guys and this big dog blew up my floating palace.” “Poor baby,” said his wife, Jenna the Hutt.  She gave him a big wet sloppy goopy stringy kiss on the forehead.

Grandma’s Quick & Easy Chocolate Chip Cookies and Entire Life

One Cup Sugar: In 356 BC, my Grandma, ever the socialite, found herself in the company of Alexander The Great – or as she called him, Alexander The Good Enough – and learned of this incredible new substance he had encountered during one of his campaigns: sugar. According to my Grandma, he told her it was the sweetest thing he’d ever found, to which she responded, “that’s because you hadn’t met me yet.”

A Millennial Metamorphosis

Not sure why but I’ve transformed into a giant insect (see pictures attached). I tried sleeping it off but that didn’t seem to work. Rest assured though I am working hard to figure this out so that it doesn’t affect my job performance. I’m getting better at controlling the mobility of all these legs, so I can still dial into the 10am...

Cover Letter For a Job I Do Not Want But Need

To be completely honest with you, the idea of making money is very exciting to me. Allow me to put things into perspective for you. Last night I had a glass of water and an episode of The Sopranos for dinner. Am I painting a clear enough picture for you, employer? I need this job…I need it bad!

How to Store Fruits and Vegetables

Tomatoes: It’s best to store your tomatoes at room temp. Putting your tomatoes in the fridge will transform them into water balloons of cold, wet, vegetal sand. At this point you can blend them into gazpacho, a cold, wet, vegetal broth that you’ll piss out in 21-22 minutes.

If Only My Immigrant Great Grandfather Could See Me Now, He’d Say “Where Am I?”

"One minute I’m resting peacefully and now I’m dropped here without explanation. And I really don’t know why you keep giving me children. It’s not a good idea to hand your children to someone you just met. Do you understand me? I don’t know what’s happening right now. What is the train schedule? I need to leave. I don’t want to be here.”

A Breakdown Of Where Your Weekly Church Contribution Goes

$ 195    eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary. $ 125.00  Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property. $ 87   3 dozen bags of marshmallows, 8 syringes of sodium pentothal for Youth Group retreat.

Unsolved Mysteries: Who’s that Lady?

This special episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” on Netflix is dedicated to understanding one of the most confounding mysteries in pop music history: Who’s that lady? You know the one. She fills our hearts and minds, brought somewhat to life through song lyrics devoid of significant detail or description.

What You Remember From Your Summer Reading Homework Based On What Kind Of Student You Were

Atlas Shrugged: Overachiever: Everything. It’s your favorite book, in a really annoying way.  Average:  Not much. You haven’t thought about the book since high school. Terrible: Nothing. You also say it’s your favorite book in a really annoying way.

Three Digit Phone Numbers to Memorize Next Time You’re in a Jam

911—Universal Emergency Services Number 311—Non-Emergency Services Number 922—Not Quite An Emergency But Also Not Quite A Non-Emergency (i.e. My Shed Is Slightly On Fire But We’ve Been Meaning To Get Rid Of It And It’s Raining Pretty Hard So…Take Your Time) Services Number

CARTOON: Wacky Backy

Next goes the hair. Today's cartoon by Patrick Hickey.

CARTOON: Drain Pain

Snaked and drained. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

CARTOON: You Wish

Granted: Savings. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Select Scenes From The QAnanny Sitcom

QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee Gross Sheffield: What is that… that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh? Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean… kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain.

CARTOON: Dog Daze

Just scratching the surface. Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

Feminist Anthems Rewritten to Accurately Promote Multi-Level Marketing Schemes  

“Girl, You’re Out of Funds” (Tune: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper) …Emailing, in the mornin’ light, / This work-from-home business has ruined your life./ A pyramid scam, an unfortunate one. / Oh, girl, you're out of funds… Oh, girl, you're out of funds…

Geoffrey’s Sad Clown Rental

These clowns are medicated right up to their blue-tear painted eyeballs and straight through their red noses (some of them snort depression cocaine). You name it, these clowns have been prescribed it. Zoloft, Prozac, low-doses of Morphine. The FDA has recently approved a new and very special niche medication, Klownopin.

The Life Cycle Of Your New Brita Filter And You

“I don’t remember those little black specks being there yesterday.” Filter Time: 1–8 Weeks Comments: If we’re being honest, we’re not sure what those black specks are either, but the water still tastes generally the same. Should I change it?: Meh? We’re pretty sure* that they’re minerals and not harmful if consumed. *Legally we must advise you not to consume the specks.

***UPDATED: Health Advisories for Outer-Space Visitors

The Intergalactic Council for Disease Control has issued new guidance for travel to Earth, relaxing some restrictions. Most travel illnesses on Earth are minor, such as thorax rash, overhydration, or motion sickness from TikTok.

Famous Hemingway Quotes in Context

“There is no friend as loyal as a book. And there is no book as loyal as a friend. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. Barkeep, another round!” — Ernest Hemingway

ColonBroom FAQ

How long should I take ColonBroom? The feeling when I poop is nothing but the purest form of euphoria and triumph. Like Moses parting the Red Sea and leading his people out of Egypt. Like the Achaeans pouring out of the wooden horse and enveloping the streets of Troy. That moment on the brink of life and death, that point of no return when you’re still extremely nauseous from giving rectal birth to a pound of raw broccoli, but already thinking about the leftover burrito in the fridge. 

What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You

A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People: You’re up front about your red flags and don’t have a strong grasp on interior design. You rarely have company over, but you imagine elaborate scenarios in which you host dinner parties and your guests listen intently as you regurgitate the advice from this book. You are very charming in your mind.

Worcestershire Sauce Gone Sour from Being Ignored

No, seriously! Everyone’s heard of me, but no one actually knows what I taste like or even how to spell my name! Close your eyes and try to picture it right now. Ha! Told you! No one can spell it!

I Love Self-Checkout Because I Never Steal And I Always Pay For Each Of My Items Every Time

I would never place an item in the bagging area without scanning it. Even if I wave it over the barcode reader and it doesn’t read, I would never place it in the bagging area or my pocket. I would simply ask for assistance, wait my turn as other honest patrons are served, and then explain to the worker that the baby formula says it’s twice as much as it used to be and there must be some kind of mistake. 

Poll: Nobody Wants to Hear About Your Dumb Dream

“OH MY GOD. I literally have six complaints on my desk from Jim in IT, Susan in Marketing, and Louis in accounting. They all called this harassment. We’ve talked to Lindsay maybe 10 times about how she can’t use company devices to email people about her dreams. She doesn’t even work here anymore! She just comes in to talk about her dreams.” —Michelle, HR

Hello My So-Called Plant Sitter, Care To Explain These 45 Dead Ferns?

When I left you a voicemail asking if you could watch my ferns, and you never got back to me, I assumed your silence meant you had no questions about the intensive two-week care regimen I’d detailed. Well, apparently you had lots of questions. Given the carnage in the apartment, it’s as if you never listened to my voicemail, and spent the past two weeks in blissful ignorance, never knowing the arduous responsibility I had thrust upon you. 

Zillow Listing for Ted Cruz’s Special Place in Hell

Why have more than one door when you’ll never leave? This is the paradise you thought was only for other people! Every exquisite feature of this bespoke property reflects your public record. Constructed by Unhallowed Homes and occasionally materializing near Cancun...

Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly

1939 - 40 New York World's Fair-   During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is accidentally spilled onto the stage, resulting in the first known instance of what eventually comes to be known as breakdancing.

Modern YOLO Alternatives

IDAHO POTATO: I’m Distressed About Housing Options and Priced Out of Tons of “Affordable Town” Opportunities

Yoga Poses To Help You Feel Closer To Death

Mountain of Regret Pose: While seated, hug knees to your chest and drop your head into your legs, so that your shadow resembles a mountain. Hold it there as a way of drowning out the sounds of all your poor life choices surrounding you. Many prefer an alcoholic beverage to enhance the effects of the Mountain of Regret pose, but please exercise moderation, or you will find yourself stuck in this pose indefinitely.

Renthouse Magazine

Full Frontal Or Back Door; How To Enter That Rental, Should The Carpets Match The Drapes? (Like design-wise, pervert) and more in Renthouse Magazine.

Relax Ladies - I’m Totally Ready to be an Unintended Dad

Don’t worry, I'm ready to largely decide how much, if at all, I participate in raising and financially supporting any children that may result from my actions. I am more than ready to be the “fun” parent and to do less than half of the parenting work, on average. 

Things That Are Easier to Get Than an Abortion in America

Ripe avocados, A glimpse of Susan Collins’ spine, Skinny jeans that fit after 40, and more!

Voicemails From My Kombucha Mother (SCOBY) Who I’ve Neglected In The Back Of The Fridge

Hi, me again. I still haven’t heard back from you. Need I remind you, young lady, of how you’ve treated your poor mother? You were so excited to make your own Kombucha. You did it for five weeks until you abruptly quit. This is so like you. First it was ballet, then saxophone lessons, then your MFA program. And now, this?! You abandoned me in this plastic Tupperware. You don’t even have the decency to put your mother in a glass container?!

So, You’re a Scarecrow Looking to Change Professions

You’ve figured out what role to pursue and are ready to chase it - that’s great! What’s the first step? Or, in your case, the first “stand completely still”? 

AGE DISCRIMINATION COMPLAINT: HANSON   V.  “THE GUYS”

This is an action seeking behavior modification and redress for damages from relentless and cumulative incidents of age discrimination. Plaintiff alleges James “Jimmy” Decker, 37; Mike “Groggy” Boulheim 35; and Geoff “Zippo” Rinaldi, 38 (“The Guys”), have treated Plaintiff differently since his 40th birthday, regarding his opinions and cultural references as “outdated and irrelevant.”

Hi, I’m Joe Pesci and I’ll Be Your Dental Hygienist Today

Seeing these gums, I gotta ask, how many times a week do you floss? Notice I didn’t ask how many times a day, because people who floss daily don’t jump and bleed as they get their teeth cleaned. So, I repeat myself, how many times? Go ahead, take your time answering while I grab a different scaler. Pick the right words, go have lunch, then get back to me. 

This Earth Day, Help Save The Planet By Purchasing Our ‘I Love The Earth’ Synthetic T-Shirt

This year, our tie-dye I Love The Earth t-shirt features a smiling earth with a playful wink. You’ll notice that this is very different from last year’s I Love The Earth tie-dye t-shirt, which showed a smiling earth with both eyes closed. Let everyone know you care about sustainability, without getting caught wearing last year’s style!

An Open Letter To Whoever Is Abandoning Their Used Underwear On The Shower Towel Hook At The Gym

Towel hooks should only be used for towels, not underwear. Think I’m being too vigilant? Consider that you’ve been sweating into your skivvies for long enough that your sweat has overwhelmingly stained the fabric, transforming them into a disgusting Rorshack test. I’m not even sure if, in their current state, we can still refer to them as underwear. No, they’re more like a sweat rag with an elastic waist.

FAQ About My Brother-in-Law Absolutely Destroying My Toilet

When talking to my brother-in-law about the toilet he absolutely destroyed, I am bound by family honor. On the other hand, when sharing my experience with strangers on the internet, my allegiance lies with my felled toilet. I am handling both situations with aplomb.

Fresh Alternatives To Dying

Hahahahahahahahahahah ur KILLING me! LMFAO on my way to death! LOL omg moving west to take a job working in the mines

What To Expect When You're Expecting Extraterrestrials 

Keep It Classy-ish: If you decide to invite our friends from beyond the stars into your home for a casual chat, please do your best to make a good impression. For example, best to keep the tv off, but if you must keep it on, steer clear of things like The Bachelor and Fox News. I mean, c'mon... you're just making the rest of us look bad.

How to Live With an Aggressively Comfortable Couch

Approach the couch with caution. Do not allow the couch to make initial contact. Go about your business and refrain from reaching down to caress premium chenille or velvet fabrics. If the couch nudges or bumps you for contact, stand still and slowly turn off “The Great British Baking Show.”

We’ve Updated Our Preschool’s Curriculum to Help Your Toddler Survive the Coming Climate Apocalypse

Connect with Nature: I try to strike a balance between giving your children hope and crushing their cute little souls with the reality of climate change, so in response to the cries of “I’m hungry!” and “I’ll even eat my vegetables,” I’ve started a small garden. Max loves digging his hands in the contaminated soil but he broke down in tears when he realized those seeds have zero chance of becoming edible food.

Your Psychiatrist’s Generalized Anxiety Survey

In the past five days, how often have you experienced nervousness or felt on edge? …skipped meals or experienced low or no appetite? …avoided social interactions, even with loved ones, such as a partner/spouse? If you answered “Sometimes,” was it to avoid hearing your partner/spouse mention their coworker Paul again and how funny and clever he is?

Totally True Oscar Facts

Tom Hanks, Sean Penn, and Jack Nicholson are secretly all the same man. Disney's Dumbo is the first NC-17 film to ever be nominated. No one has ever seen The English Patient. And more!

We Are Flowers, and We’re Here to Melt Your Fucking Face Off

Are you ready for this, my barren rock garden babies? Can you handle it? Well, then let’s go! Shrink your goddamn pupils, mother fuckers -- these savage hues are going to char your cones.

More Obscure Ways Of Bringing Back Luck

Having your nipples pierced in a construction site porta potty. And more!

Instructions For You If My Pants Are On Fire

So, my pants are on fire and I’ve handed you this card. You’re probably thinking, “Uhh, say whaaa??” Well, pull yourself together, Gilligan. Every second is critical right now.

The Shocking True Story Of Why 6 Was Afraid Of 7

The real reason 6 was afraid of 7 had little to do with 8, 9, 10, or even 11. You see 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 was 6’s bookie and 6 got in a little too deep. 

CARTOON: Hanging Out

Cute Cuticles! Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.

Things That Go Bundt In The Night: Treats To Terrify Your Taste Buds

Magic Ate Ball: A Magic 8 Ball covering in rich, delicious caramel and drizzled with candy sprinkles. When will you be able to pass this beast? Reply hazy.

How to Avoid Scams That Target Senior Citizens Like You and Me

Luckily, you’ve got Gus to tell you what you should be vigilant against out there. Here are the most common scams targeting seniors right this second. THE HARRY TRUMAN, BUTTERSCOTCH, ANDREWS SISTERS MARRIAGE SCAM, and more!

Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Protects Our Most Vulnerable — People Who Are Still Homophobic in 2022

Regardless of how you feel about this bill, you have to admit that it does protect a vulnerable group of people. Just like alligators, homophobic people in 2022 are Florida’s largest export to New York through the sewer system. And also like alligators, they only bite if provoked. And unprovoked. And anytime they hear any word that starts with the letters “GA.” 

You Can Be Anything You Want! And Other Lies We Tell Girls About the Professional World

Broadcast Journalist- LIE: Newsrooms are desperate for a feminist angle for their stories! TRUTH: Must be smoking hot according to the standards of a bunch of middle aged men in a conference room.

My Best Guess at What Those Six Different Vagacials Currently Offered at My Salon Are

The Zamboni *Specialty procedure. Inquire at reception. Not suitable for women under 40.

Queasyriders Magazine

Riding My Hog, Sick As A Dog, Food Poisoning Or Real Poisoning; How To Tell If It Was Bad Shrimp Or Your Old Lady’s Trying To Kill You, and more in this issue of Queasyriders Magazine!

All the New Rules in Major League Baseball

Baseline obstacle accounting. Beehives will be played about every four feet along both the first and third baselines, and the bees will be angry.

Questions That Couples on Love Is Blind Should Ask Next Season for Way More Successful Relationships

How many times do you typically snooze your alarm in the morning? What is the correct pronunciation of GIF? Is Die Hard a Christmas movie? Why or why not?  And more!

#DogADessert

Barklava, Terriermisu, Hound Cake, and more #DogADessert on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Back To Work

Plus I'm out of coffee. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Every Interview With a 1970s Hollywood Producer

Interviewer: Exactly how much cocaine did you do in the 1970s? *Note: Bergmann stands up, proceeds to get a ladder, and climbs to the second to last step on the ladder, so he can hold out his hand and give an accurate representation regarding the height of a mass cocaine mountain.

At the NYT Op-Ed Desk, We Pride Ourselves on a Rich Journalistic Tradition of Publishing Shit That Doesn’t Really Matter but Will Make People Mad on Twitter

We’re not in the business of making friends. We’re in the business of spitting out half-baked cancel-culture articles with no real merit or backbone that systematically reduce America’s trust in journalism institutions. We’re brave. And no one can silence us. Except ourselves.

BOOK EXCERPT: Eating Salad Drunk

You can always tell / Who went to Catholic school / They are atheists. —MIKE BIRBIGLIA This and more haikus from comedy greats in the new book 'Eating Salad Drunk' compiled by Gabe Henry with illustrations by Emily Flake!

Talkward w/ guest Ivan Ehlers

This episode welcomes cartoonist and comedy writer Ivan Ehlers! Ivan has been a regular in The New Yorker, MAD Magazine, Weekly Humorist, LA Times and others. His first series 'Dee Dee Sawyer Ghoul Destroyer' is available now on Webtoons. See all his work at https://www.instagram.com/ivan_ehlers/

Little Debbie's Got A FAQ For You

We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it's becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they're close to being extinct or something? We'll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I'll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn't sound quite as appetizing.

Excerpt from Mick Jagger's Time in Analysis

MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction. THERAPIST: Isn't this starting to feel a bit repetitive for you?  MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no girl reaction. THERAPIST: That doesn’t sound like what you told me in last week’s session.

I’ve Got My Online Security Locked Down

You need a credit card number? Joke’s on you, because every piece of my buying habits you get, I get a few points closer to a free scarf from Banana Republic.

If Cyrano de Bergerac Was an Episode of Catfish: The TV Show

NEV: Dearest Catfish - I think I met the love of my life, Christian. I saw him from afar and I just knew he was the one. [Soft indie pop music plays during the voiceover] He started sending me letters and wowza—this boy is a poet! I was even telling my big-nosed cousin Cyrano about how my boyfriend was so intellectual, but then…something weird happened. I don’t know what to think anymore, and I need help! 

Here’s Why We Have Privatized Our Little Free Library

No more waiting weeks to get your hands on a secondhand copy of “The Kite Runner” with the cover ripped off. For a small fee of just $7.99 a month, or $76.70 annually (a 20% discount!), you get full access to the Myerson’s entire catalog! And if a book you want isn’t available, well, just pick another one. Don’t be a jerk about it, ok? “The Alchemist” is good, so read that.

REVIEW: The Batman

It’s Emo Batman Versus the Zodiac Killer in a Reboot That—if Anything—Is Shorter Than Justice League

CARTOON: Gruff Guru

Know the meaning of 'peace & quiet'? Today's cartoon by T.J. Mahaffey

Upcoming Family Interventions

Uncle Frank: We’ve survived three Trump Thanksgivings. What we cannot stand for is you now finding God. Location: If you get vaccinated, your favorite restaurant.

Columbo Makes His Wife a Smoothie

Now, mid-blend something dawns on me. I notice an odd ratio between frozen fruit and juice. Could it be that I’ve mixed them up? I can see by your nodding that you know me all too well. Instead of 2 cups of fruit to 1 cup of juice, I flipped it. So essentially, instead of a smoothie, I’m making you a more refined juice! Columbo, you klutz.

Devin Nunes Addresses Beta Tester Feedback Amid Soft Launch Of Trump’s New Social Media Platform

On Truth Social, we believe that money is king. While on other apps, ‘Following’ people simply means getting updates from them on your feed and seeing what they post to their public profile – on Truth Social, for the right price, ‘Following’ can mean whatever you want it to mean: following someone’s profile, following them home, whatever. If you pay for it, you can have it. 

Wow, I Thought I Was Having A Psychotic Episode But It Was Just That Weird Suction Noise My Water Bottle Makes

And, yes, my overactive imagination probably had something to do with it too. You know me, always getting carried away!

Welcome to Our Town’s Walking Tour Where We Choose to Focus on Abraham Lincoln’s Visit Here and Not That Famously Bad Thing That Happened in the 80s

Thank you for meeting me here under this lamppost at 3:30PM, and welcome to my hometown’s walking tour. As most of you know, our town is famous because – for a 22-hour period of time – our nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, stayed here. Yep, that’s what we’re known for. Nothing else. No matter what a certain HBO documentary might lay out in graphic detail. Anyway, let’s get started!

How I Met Your Show Runner

ESPN's 'How I Met Your Father's Bookie' and more "How I Met Your...' in development!