https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Trumper-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2023-09-15 18:05:532023-09-15 18:05:53Trumper Stickers (Bumper Stickers Commonly Found On The Trucks Of Trump Voters)
"No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay" "Baby With Tattoos On Board" "If The Van Is A'Rockin', Automated Weapons We're A'Glockin'" and more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/kids-school-feat.png 330 432 Stefania Pallotta and Ryan Lynch https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Stefania Pallotta and Ryan Lynch2023-09-14 21:33:112023-09-14 21:33:11‘Wake Them Up at 2 AM,' and Other Hacks to Get Your Kids Ready for School
Pack food the night before. Put shoes on in the car. For an on-the-go breakfast, freeze milk, a spoon, and cereal into something you’ll call “morning popsies” until they move out.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/big-mother-feat-1.png 330 432 Andy Schocket https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Andy Schocket2023-09-12 13:12:262023-09-12 13:12:26Ten Sure-Bet Reality Shows Canceled After Initial Approval
Big Mother- Pitch: Cameras installed in the basements of 15 live-at-home male Gen Zers; the mother of the one who moves out first wins $100,000. Reason for cancellation: After six months of filming, the only activities captured on film were eating DoorDash-ed Taco Bell, video gaming, and masturbating to screenshots of Elon Musk.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/beatles-feat.png 330 432 Adam Dietz https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Adam Dietz2023-09-08 12:44:232023-09-08 12:44:23The Great Rock Debate: The Beatles or The Dino Dudes?
While the Beatles touring time in the US was somewhat limited due to what can only be described as Beatlemania, those lucky enough to see the Fab 4 play in person will tell you that John, Paul, George, and Ringo more than effectively commanded the stage. Whether or not the same can be said for The Dino Dudes is up for some debate. Whereas the Beatles’ 1964 North American Tour is well documented by way of online clips and documentaries, footage of the Dino Dudes was lost to poor camera placement.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/jerry-phone-feat.png 330 432 Torrey Kurtzner https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Torrey Kurtzner2023-09-08 12:12:592023-09-08 12:15:19Seinfeld Reunion: The Dick Pic
“A DICK PIC, JERRY! SHE WANTS A DICK PIC!” The funeral home falls silent as George cowers in embarrassment. “She won’t meet tonight unless I send her a photo of my genitals,” he whispers. “What kind of sick world are we living in?”
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/hubble-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2023-09-07 21:48:092023-09-07 21:48:09Podcasts You Should Be Listening To RIGHT NOW!! No, I'm serious, RIGHT NOW!! Go, Now!! Why Are You Still Reading This???
PornHubble: A panel of astronomy geeks hack into the Hubble telescope in order to gain access to the spiciest pornography this perverted globe to offer, and discusses their findings with you, who will soon come to regret your curiosity...
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/Globe-feat.png 330 432 Zachary Wolf https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Zachary Wolf2023-09-07 21:10:422023-09-07 21:10:42Audience Reviews From Romeo and Juliet's Opening Night
“As someone whose family is also mired in a generations-long feud, it felt nice to be represented.” “Took me right back to when I was a horny, wealthy teenager.” “I had a roach in my popped corn.” And more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/fire-pit-feat.png 330 432 Rochelle Elana Fisher https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Rochelle Elana Fisher2023-09-01 19:10:212023-09-01 19:10:21SAG-AFTRA Answers FAQs About Labor Day Celebrations During the Strike
Can I jump over a blazing hot fire pit? Performing stunts are not permitted either. Also, it’s not a good idea to risk burning bridges or your face. If acting ever becomes a thing again, you’ll need our organization and also, good headshots.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Sad-sing-feat.png 330 432 Dan Fiorella https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Dan Fiorella2023-08-31 20:38:402023-08-31 20:38:40Depressing Karaoke Night
HOST: Oh, you came. Welcome to Depressing Karaoke Night. If you’re not bummed yet, you totally will be.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Lustler-spoof2-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2023-08-25 14:41:572023-08-25 14:41:57Lustler Magazine
Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let's Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/drink-pills-feat.png 330 432 Wes Janson https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Wes Janson2023-08-24 20:23:262023-08-24 20:23:26Ten Reasons Why I Still Plan to Consume Alcohol Next Weekend Despite Being on Anti-Inflammatory Medication
Some sources on the internet claim that binge drinking may drastically increase the potency of this medicine. That's a good thing, right? That means my shoulder should heal faster if I enjoy a few glasses of whiskey.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/downhill-feat.png 330 432 Adam Dietz https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Adam Dietz2023-08-24 17:00:382023-08-24 17:00:38This City Has Really Gone Downhill
This city has become dangerous too! On my neighborhood Facebook group, people are always talking about how they see “suspicious characters” lingering about town. Sure, this city used to have suspicious characters too, but back then they would be caught committing a crime and then put behind bars for a period of time. These new suspicious characters don’t ever actually commit crimes and, thus, are impossible to catch. The crime in this city used to be more obvious and frankly that’s how I preferred it.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Goat-Mama-feat.png 330 432 Liz Alterman https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Liz Alterman2023-08-22 19:53:032023-08-22 19:53:03A Peek Inside a College Parent Facebook Page
OK, totally disappointed here. It’s been two hours and Veronique is still alone in her dorm room. How can she live her best college life if no one will even make the effort to meet her? What kind of place is this? Is this how you raised your kids? — Turning the car around, V’s mom
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Tiff-Oatmeal-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2023-08-18 00:48:042023-08-18 00:57:38Breakfast At Tiffany’s
Ah, evidence is like an engagement party held at Waffle House: it only works when poor people are involved.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/toddler-plane-feat2.png 330 432 Luke Strathmann https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Luke Strathmann2023-08-17 18:11:052023-08-17 18:11:05Quiz: Are You Experiencing Violent, Bone-Shaking Airplane Turbulence, Or Is Your Toddler Just Having Another Turbulent Tuesday?
The floor is covered in tiny bags of snacks. Someone is forcefully ejected from their seat. Your partner is somehow sleeping. And more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Cop-Feat.png 330 432 Connor Adams https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Connor Adams2023-08-17 17:10:152023-08-17 17:35:20Detective, if You Mess up 18 or 19 More Times You’re off the Case
Look Rodriguez, you know you’re a good cop, I know you’re a good cop, those girl scouts you put in a sleeperhold know you’re a good cop, but that can only keep you here so long. Eventually the mayor is going to wonder if all of your mayhem, destruction, and violations of civil rights and due process are worth the 3% of cases you solve.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/elevator-feat.png 330 432 Doug Kolic https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Doug Kolic2023-08-16 20:27:512023-08-16 20:27:51Elevator Pitches for Elevators
Funhouse mirrors to make riders look thinner to increase their self-confidence, Funhouse mirrors to give riders distorted faces so they don’t get overconfident, Bats, and more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/WH-cartoon-sunbed-feat.png 330 432 Thomas Wykes https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Thomas Wykes2023-08-11 12:53:132023-08-11 12:53:13CARTOON: Grilled
This might take a while. Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/dog-fence-feat.png 330 432 J. Taylor Lee https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png J. Taylor Lee2023-08-09 20:44:122023-08-09 20:44:12Neighborhood Highlights, According to My Dog
Fence With Dog: This is where my friend Fat Dog lives. This is a great place if you are looking to socialize. And while you are here, be sure to take some big honkin’ snorffs of the billowing waves of his piss steam coming through the fence.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/oil-feat.png 330 432 Greg Landgraf https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Greg Landgraf2023-08-08 15:17:482023-08-08 15:17:48Classy Alternatives for When Your Extra Virgin Olive Oil Isn’t Extra Enough
Cauliflower oil: Cauliflower can do anything! Use it to replace rice, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, or even pizza dough. Cauliflower oil is just as good for frying, and when you use it, you feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/cottage-dishes-feat-1.png 330 432 Jason Garramone https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jason Garramone2023-08-08 13:21:532023-08-08 13:21:53Thanks For Cooking, I’ll Do The Dishes
Don’t worry about germs, the hot water will kill most of the bacteria. No hot water at the cottage? No problem-o, the dish soap will do the heavy lifting. Salmonella? Come on, everyone knows you can only get that from salmon.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/haircut-nerves-feat.png 330 432 Adam Dietz https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Adam Dietz2023-08-01 19:10:152023-08-01 19:10:15No, I’m Not Prepared To Tell You How I’d Like My Hair Cut
Can you fundamentally change my personality and overall lot in life with this haircut, Dave? Because if so, let’s do it.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/NewSuit-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2023-07-21 13:04:422023-07-21 13:04:42Things To Consider When Buying A New Swimsuit
Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won't be allowed into Golden Corral?
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Airline-breakup-feat.png 330 432 Chelsea Jacobson https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Chelsea Jacobson2023-07-20 17:16:172023-07-20 17:16:17A Statement on Our Relationship From American Airlines and JetBlue Airways
It is with great sadness that we at JetBlue and American Airlines announce the end of our partnership. This was a very difficult process for us and we want everyone to know that we are parting on loving terms. We have nothing but admiration for each other’s low fares, bonus mile offers, and inflight menu selections.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Barbie-Ads-full-feat.png 330 432 Jonathan Zeller https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jonathan Zeller2023-07-20 16:35:342023-07-20 22:24:37You Love This Ad for the Barbie (the Movie)/Progressive Insurance Commercial Barbie (the Doll)–Themed Pinkberry Flavor
This, finally, is the maximum Barbie branding saturation you have been waiting for.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/assasin-job-feat.png 330 432 Joe Schiappa https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Joe Schiappa2023-07-13 14:16:402023-07-13 14:20:44Responses to the Question, 'Is Your Company Hiring Assassins?'
“Not looking for assassins per se, but we need an HR person with experience running exit interviews on the edge of the roof of our building .”
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/LabGrownMeatballs-feat.png 330 432 Kate Antoniades https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kate Antoniades2023-07-11 01:11:432023-07-11 01:11:43Classic Children's Books Updated for Our Time
Cloudy with a Chance of Lab-Grown Meatballs, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day of Meetings That Could Have Been Emails, And more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/Ups-hot-feat.png 330 432 Justin Avery Smith https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Justin Avery Smith2023-07-06 13:12:402023-07-06 13:12:40Delivery Notifications Ahead of the Teamsters Strike
Notification #5: Your package finally arrived at the sorting facility Justin, a third-generation Teamster, is now sorting your package, but he only gets a five-minute break once every four hours, so he might “make a mistake”. And when you deliver 18.7 million packages domestically each day, they can’t all be winners.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/summer-AI-image-feat.png 330 432 Morgan Parker https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Morgan Parker2023-06-29 18:56:552023-06-29 18:56:555 Summer Activities That Make Me Think You Might Be AI Generated
Now I know fun is subjective and there are many ways to indulge. I don’t judge! But, personally, there are some activities I believe to be so generic and dumb that only a computer could come up with it. (No offense to computers. My phone is a computer and I love my phone. But my phone also turns itself off after being left in the sun for 45 and a half seconds.)
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/dog-pie-feat.png 330 432 Gregory Virgin https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Gregory Virgin2023-06-27 17:29:112023-06-27 17:29:11I’ve Tried So Hard to Be a Responsible Dog Owner and Yet Somehow I’ve Still Raised an Inconsiderate, Hedonistic Pie Thief
Oh great, you’re throwing up the pie now. And here comes the parchment paper. See this is what I’m talking about.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/applebees-presser-feat.png 330 432 Adam Dietz https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Adam Dietz2023-06-27 16:52:192023-06-27 17:03:37A Press Conference Following My Dinner At Applebees
Why did you go to dinner at Applebee’s? That’s something I kept asking myself during the dinner itself. I suppose the easiest answer is guilt. I hadn’t seen my mom in a while, and she asked if I wanted to grab dinner “somewhere nice,” which I took to mean like a steakhouse or something.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/spa-feat.png 330 432 Tom Ellison https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Tom Ellison2023-06-23 17:58:212023-06-23 17:58:21The Optimal Life Can Be Yours If You Have the Right Routine and Zero Obligations
First, it’s key to wake up at 4 am every day, since a consistent sleep/wake cycle maintains your optimal metabolism. Don’t use an alarm—instead, you want to hone your circadian rhythms by going to bed at 8 pm in the peaceful house where you live alone. Be sure to avoid common pitfalls, such as consuming caffeine after noon, or children.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/dad-mug-jail-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2023-06-16 15:21:472023-06-16 15:23:53Truly Terrible Fathers' Day Gifts
World’s #1 Dad, Is What I Told The Parole Board Mug, And More!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/Pizza-pouch-feat.png 330 432 Todd Mitchell https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Todd Mitchell2023-06-15 15:11:302023-06-15 18:03:14Amazon's Choice
Amazon, you're one of the wealthiest entities on Earth, and after a nice pizza dinner, your Choice is to save a large slice of hand-tossed pepperoni in a clear triangular sleeve around your neck before going about your business like nothing is amiss.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/bro-meditation-feat.png 330 432 Emily Holi https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Emily Holi2023-06-13 10:40:522023-06-13 10:40:52Guided Meditation for Control-Minded Bros
Notice your body. Are you holding tension anywhere? If you are, well done. Clench your butt cheeks together like you’re trying to crack a walnut in your ass-crack.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/WH-cartoon-template-judge-feat.png 330 432 Michael Litwak https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Michael Litwak2023-06-09 17:25:412023-06-09 17:25:41CARTOON: Inflight Infatuation
Terrible, tawdry, takeoff! Today's cartoon by Michael Litwak.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/young-people-celebrating-pride-month-feat.png 330 432 Connor Relyea https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Connor Relyea2023-06-08 17:07:112023-06-08 17:07:11Corporate Statement Templates For This Pride Month
Pride Parade Float Is Set On Fire : We here at [cabal of billionaires/actual power behind the government] are [saddened/overjoyed] to hear about the [tragic/wonderful] events that took place at the recent Pride parade.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/Tv-shipwreck-rules-feat.png 330 432 Justin Avery Smith https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Justin Avery Smith2023-06-07 14:11:342023-06-07 14:23:28Survival Guide For Being Shipwrecked In An Episodic TV Series
You’ll likely be lucky enough to get stranded on the only island on Earth that isn’t susceptible to tsunamis, hurricanes, or climate change at large. Your sandy beaches and shanty town made from your wreckage will remain as picturesque as ever. You actually have it better than your friends back home!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/Mean-Mime-feat.png 330 432 Connor Adams https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Connor Adams2023-06-06 16:58:522023-06-06 16:58:52If You Want To Make It As A Mime, You Need A Brass Pair of Balls
The people out there need mimes, it is easily people's favorite form of entertainment, so what we do matters. I know that if I don’t go out there and exaggerate every facial expression in a comical manner, the fabric of society falls apart.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/KohlsCash-feat.png 330 432 Katy Maiolatesi https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Katy Maiolatesi2023-06-01 20:21:292023-06-01 20:21:29If Famous Crime Movies Revolved Around Kohl's Cash
Point Break: FBI rookie Johnny Utah is tasked with catching a group of masked thieves who rob Kohl’s cashiers at gunpoint for all the Kohl’s Cash in their drawers, plus some checkout line chocolate. Utah learns the bandits are surfers and they have been robbing Kohl’s Cash so they can buy sick surfing graphic tees.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/footiePJs-feat.png 330 432 Warren Benedetto https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Warren Benedetto2023-05-30 19:38:482023-05-30 19:38:48An Open Letter To Those Who Declined My Facebook Event Invite
It is with great disappointment that I write to you today, the day after our Ninth Annual Footie Pajama Game Of Thrones Bar Crawl. The turnout, as you can imagine, was incredible.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/Whitemale-playlist-feat.png 330 432 Jus Kaplan https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jus Kaplan2023-05-30 18:28:132023-05-30 18:41:56Playlist: Classic Songs Updated For Privileged White Men
You’ve Got A Friend (That Could Refer Me At McKinsey, Right?) Originally by James Taylor And more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/prison-singing-feat.png 330 432 Gary M. Almeter https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Gary M. Almeter2023-05-10 17:13:492023-05-10 22:12:30Names That I Will Likely Consider For My Prison A Cappella Group Should I Ever Find Myself Incarcerated and Yearning to Sing With My Fellow Convicts
Baroquing and Entering, The Delinquintet, Treblemakers, and more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/book-math-feat.png 330 432 Liz Alterman https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Liz Alterman2023-05-04 18:23:412023-05-04 18:23:41Math Word Problems for Writers
If you sell 600 paperbacks but Amazon lets customers return all of them, how much do you owe your publisher?
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/nycVSLa-feat.png 330 432 Sam Spero https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Sam Spero2023-04-27 12:27:112023-04-29 23:33:11What I’ve Learned Moving From New York To LA
When you’re so depressed that you sleep through a beautiful day, you don’t have to feel guilty because it’ll still be beautiful out tomorrow. There’s a much greater diversity of industries in Los Angeles than I assumed: You can work in film, television, or film and television. And more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/wordle-feat.png 330 432 Corey Pajka https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Corey Pajka2023-04-26 19:06:362023-04-26 19:06:36WordleBot Here, and Your Gameplay Analysis Has Me a Little Concerned
You’ve given up, haven’t you? Look, it’s only a game and I’m a rapidly advancing AI programmed to solve this puzzle in four turns or less practically every day. If my feedback comes across as patronizing, I sincerely apologize. I’m not bad, I’m just written that way! No? Nothing? Like I said, humor is tough, but secondhand depression is more palpable. One more turn.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/introvert-featr.png 330 432 Alissa King Peters https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Alissa King Peters2023-04-25 18:28:562023-04-25 18:28:56How To Be A Proper Introvert: A Guide For Extroverts
Congratulations on your decision to take the first step towards changing your life. With this short course, we hope to help you feel confident replacing the chaotic, and quite frankly selfish, lifestyle of drawing your energy from interacting with other people, to a more tranquil, altruistic lifestyle of leaving others the hell alone. Our objective for this tutorial, is to help you grab the social butterfly within you, and kill it.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/hbomax-discovery-feat2.png 330 432 J.K. Radomski https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png J.K. Radomski2023-04-14 09:56:222023-05-16 12:42:09Rejected HBO Max / Discovery+ Streamer Names
anticlimax, now with flax, batgirl axed, and more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/04/linkedin-ages-feat.png 330 432 Evan Allgood https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Evan Allgood2023-04-13 11:59:532023-04-13 11:59:53LinkedIn Through the Ages
SURREY, ENGLAND – 1502 A.D. I’ve been sitting on this news (heh) for weeks, but I’m thrilled to finally announce that I’ll be joining Richmond Palace as King Henry VII’s new Groom of the Stool! I’m a HUGE fan of the king’s small intestine, and I can’t wait to sit across from him and pick his brain while his legendary guts do their thing. Other than being a Tudor, he’s totally self-made. I’m kind of stoolstruck, tbh.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/WH-cartoon-template-humansgo-feat.png 330 432 Mira Scharf https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Mira Scharf2023-04-03 15:39:212023-03-31 17:19:12CARTOON: Bird Words
Baby booked. Today's cartoon by Mira Scharf.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/WH-cartoon-template-fishwater-feat.png 330 432 Vaughan Tomlinson https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Vaughan Tomlinson2023-03-31 15:23:162023-03-31 15:23:16CARTOON: Gulping Gills
Parched Perch. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/mouth-teeth-feat.png 330 432 Jason Garramone https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jason Garramone2023-03-31 14:01:232023-03-31 14:01:23A Conversation Between My Teeth And Tongue After I Accidentally Bite Myself
Teeth: And I can’t believe how stupid you are. I mean, it’s not like you have any practice with this whole eating process. We’ve only been doing it for - oh, I don’t know - our whole lives! Tongue: Gross, all I can taste is blood. Ow, that stings.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/zip-line-baseball-feat.png 330 432 Dan Fiorella https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Dan Fiorella2023-03-30 17:45:582023-03-30 17:45:58Take Me Out to the New & Improved Ballgame
Zipline Substitutions: Instead of waiting forever for a new pitcher to reach the mound, he'll zipline in from the bullpen.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/mike-pod-feat.png 330 432 Talkward https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Talkward2023-03-30 16:21:392023-03-30 16:21:39Talkward w/ guest Mike Reiss
This episode of Talkward welcomes Emmy® award winning humor writer and longtime executive producer of 'The Simpsons' Mike Reiss! His new book 'Santa's Brother Sandy Saves Christmas' is out now and his travel podcast "What Am I Doing Here?" is wherever you get your pods!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/Fat-Fear-full-feat.png 330 432 Chris Eno McMahon https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Chris Eno McMahon2023-03-29 15:08:432023-03-29 15:08:43Ten Zombie Twists That Haven’t Been Done To Death
All the weight you’ve ever lost: Seventeen pounds through Weight Watchers, eight pounds through Noom, thirty pounds from a low-carb diet, three pounds from Covid, and six from a smoothie fast—all the fat you’ve lost over the decades is back. It has congealed into a half-ton quivering mass that oozes toward you, dead set on a reunion.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/gwenth-feat.png 330 432 Bobbie Armstrong https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Bobbie Armstrong2023-03-28 12:02:202023-03-28 12:02:20Songs From the Hit Broadway Musical The Ski Accident, Starring Gwyneth Paltrow as Gwyneth Paltrow
“I Lost Half a Day of Skiing” Lyrics by Gwyneth Paltrow, performed by Gwyneth Paltrow / Did you know? Did you know I lost half a day of skiing? / That’s six hours orrr—How long my vagina candle burns!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/smokey-cocaine-feat.png 330 432 John Ficarra https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png John Ficarra2023-03-23 18:27:252023-03-23 18:27:25The Eerie Similarities & Distinct Differences Between Cocaine Bear & Smokey the Bear
Cocaine Bear is the star of a major motion picture now in release / Despite 75 years of work in television, Smokey the Bear has never made it to the big screen and is currently seeking new representation
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/Banking-crash-feat.png 330 432 Amber Born https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Amber Born2023-03-21 17:41:382023-03-21 17:41:38VC Firm Shares Alternatives to Silicon Valley Bank
Place the money at the end of an elaborate treasure hunt. The ideal treasure hunt should take at least fifty years to solve, enabling the value of the cash to appreciate due to the mystery surrounding it.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/Romance-books-guns-feat.png 330 432 Tom Navratil https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Tom Navratil2023-03-21 17:05:222023-03-21 17:05:22Romance Novels for Second Amendment Lovers
Bobby hardly ever took Betty out anymore. There just didn’t seem to be much point. Whenever he did, she was cold and stiff, her buttstock unyielding. Thanks to the Supreme Court, it was perfectly legal to open carry a long gun around New York City, but people still stared at Betty and made rude comments.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/talkward-sacks-feat.png 330 432 Talkward https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Talkward2023-02-09 18:34:412023-02-09 18:34:41Talkward w/ guest Mike Sacks
Humor writer raconteur Mike Sacks stops by Talkward to chat about "Welcome to Woodmont College" , his parody of a college catalog co-written with Jason Roeder. It was named one of the best comedy books of the year by New York Magazine's Vulture and you should buy it today! We also discuss the wonders of Maryland, 90s nostalgia, and how he makes things happen for himself in the comedy world.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/ufo-upduction-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2023-02-02 17:51:262023-02-02 17:51:26Truly Terrible Signs That You Were Abducted By Aliens And Then Mindwiped
Large portions of the Bible no longer make very much sense. Rebel flag in the front yard is now hot pink and purple rather than red and blue. VHS tape of Legally Blonde 2 obviously watched but not rewound. And more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/Doggie-feat.png 330 432 Claire Zahm https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Claire Zahm2023-02-01 17:34:332023-02-01 17:34:33For Fail-Safe Security, Hire Me, a Four-Pound Chihuahua
I may be small, but I am no toy. My 3.2 pounds of rippling muscle are built around a heart that races at 180 bpm for the sole purpose of protection. The urge to defend courses through every ounce of my one ounce of purebred blood. I’m genetically obligated to be an absolute dick to everyone but you.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Recipes-20s-feat.png 330 432 Jus Kaplan https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jus Kaplan2023-01-26 17:36:062023-05-15 00:30:53Life Recipes for Late Twentysomethings
Day-Long Hangover: Wake up cold, confused, and filled with regret. Leave ample time to rise. Add water consistently–too much at once will oversaturate. Infuse Excedrin in between painful realizations you can no longer drink without consequence. Whisk two McGriddles into your mouth while prone on your couch. Remember you have to work tomorrow.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/Birthday-Netflix-feat.png 330 432 Chris Manson https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Chris Manson2023-01-25 16:55:492023-01-25 16:55:49This Year, I Did Something Special for Your Birthday
I made a documentary about you with your family and friends. Oh, the documentary turned out so well that Netflix acquired the streaming rights.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/King-feat.png 330 432 Brian Boone https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Brian Boone2023-01-12 15:57:402023-01-12 15:57:40Notable Author Cameos in the Film Adaptations of Their Books
'Misery', 'Pet Semetary', 'Christine', 'The Running Man', 'The Shawshank Redemption'...In every adaptation of one of his books, Stephen King’s smiling face is visible in the lower left corner of the screen at all times.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/blazer-feat.png 330 432 Alanna Weissman https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Alanna Weissman2023-01-10 19:43:202023-01-11 21:20:39Every Human on Earth Looks at Least 30% More Attractive in a Blazer
Not sold on the Blazer Theory? Try picturing every one of your exes. Now, picture them wearing blazers. If you’re still not convinced, repeat the experiment, but replace your exes with your least favorite politicians, or the zombies from The Walking Dead...
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/MyPrideandMyPrejudice-feat.png 330 432 Madeline Goetz https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Madeline Goetz2023-01-04 14:39:292023-01-10 00:49:47Free Titles For Your Right-Wing Memoir
'Cancel Cancel Culture: Canceling Cancelation', 'Me First and You Maybe', 'My Pride and My Prejudice', and more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/01/ART_20221224-223355-feat.png 330 432 Bob Eckstein https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Bob Eckstein2023-01-03 14:01:022023-01-03 14:01:02Top 20 Predictions For 2023 by Nostradamus’ Cousin Barney
Laura Ingram promises she will no longer brake for babies or kittens. Snoop Dogg will become Speaker of the House. Lincoln Center is converted into pickleball courts. And more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/Beaver-head-feat.png 330 432 Kelley Greene https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kelley Greene2022-12-27 17:39:352023-01-01 14:07:4310 New Year’s Resolutions Jason Definitely Wants Me to Keep This Year
I will sign up for an advanced crochet class to keep my hands busy during Jason’s softball practice (which is every Tuesday and Thursday). I will go to the gym, but only the one where the local softball team, the Beavers, work out. I will not let my past failures to become Jason’s girlfriend define me. And more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/gaslighting-menorah-feat-1.png 330 432 Emily Kling https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Emily Kling2022-12-21 14:25:582022-12-21 14:25:58How to Tell if You’re Lighting the Menorah or Gaslighting the Jewish People
If you’re hanging out with Jewish friends around sundown during the week of Hanukkah, and you say something like ‘the history of Jewish suffering is overrated,” you’re both lighting and gaslighting.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/Yukon-areosmith-feat.png 330 432 Nolan Yard https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Nolan Yard2022-12-07 16:14:252022-12-13 17:14:27I'm Yukon Cornelius, Aerosmith's Original Front Man
Being a Gemini, I’ve always been torn between being the center of attention and isolating myself in the stark abandoned wilderness. Truth be told, though I’ve found myself center stage in front of large crowds, my heart has always longed for silence and solitude.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/FoodWhine-spoof-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2022-12-07 14:58:522022-12-13 17:12:59FOOD & WHINE Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue
The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/WH-cartoon-template-kidsover-feat.png 330 432 Drew Panckeri https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Drew Panckeri2022-12-07 12:52:012022-12-13 17:13:19CARTOON: Parents Plans
See you in 15-20. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/WH-cartoon-template-clip-on-feat.png 330 432 Nathan Cooper https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Nathan Cooper2022-12-07 02:31:472022-12-13 17:13:34CARTOON: Full Frontal
Backless is in. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/Grinch-podcast-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2022-12-06 18:16:472022-12-06 18:16:47TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch
The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it's topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch. Below is the transcript of that talk.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/Talkward-amy-fusselman.png 330 432 Talkward https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Talkward2022-12-01 18:23:372022-12-01 18:23:37Talkward w/ guest Amy Fusselman
This episode of Talkward welcomes Amy Fusselman, author of the new novel 'The Means' which follows the character Shelly Means and her hilarious quest to own a beach house in the Hamptons. Shipping containers, talking dogs, anger management classes, and vision boards make up this very funny book. Follow her @amyfusselman and http://amyfusselman.com
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/bob-job-feat.png 330 432 Emily Menez https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Emily Menez2022-11-30 14:52:292023-01-01 14:08:49We at the Bob Committee Are Here to Diversify Your Company
Finding a replacement CEO can be stressful. For every million dollar salary and annual incentive-based award of $25 million, there are very few candidates who are right for the job. It’s a challenge we at the Bob Committee know well. From Bob I. to Bob C. back to Bob I., we are here to help diversify your company with white men over 60 named Bob.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Thanks-Drinks-feat.png 330 432 Tracy McArdle Brady https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Tracy McArdle Brady2022-11-24 02:45:072022-11-24 02:45:079 Classic Cocktails for Dreaded Family Gatherings
Old Fashioned Passive Aggressive Barb: Served by your mother-in-law, this multi-layered concoction includes everything from your parenting choices to the fact you use avocado based mayonnaise and returned a shower gift nine years ago. Top with a maraschino cherry, unless that’s “not organic” enough for you.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/mad-turkey-feat.png 330 432 Emily Kapp https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Emily Kapp2022-11-22 14:15:172022-11-22 14:15:17The Final Diary Entries From the Turkey That The President Did Not Pardon
Just as I begin to feel at peace with my impending death, I think about the turkey that the president is pardoning tomorrow. It isn’t fair. I don’t even know who it is yet, but it isn’t fair. If it’s Marvin and his ball sack-looking ass neck I’m gonna scream.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/garage-smoke-feat.png 330 432 Jonathan Bines https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jonathan Bines2022-11-18 13:26:172023-01-01 21:50:09Our Family Faces Many Challenges Inside This Closed Garage
OK, honey, we get it. You’re saying that the issue of the rising CO1 levels in our closed garage is very important to you. And we appreciate that you’re passionate about it. Try to remember that everyone in this minivan has issues that we care about and think are very important. They can’t all be first, so let’s take them one at a time, OK, sweet pea? Good.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/doctor-feat.png 330 432 Ernio Hernandez https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Ernio Hernandez2022-11-16 19:48:462023-01-01 14:09:55Things Not To Ask Your Doctor About
P.E. ( Pasta Elbow) P.A.B ( Passive Aggressive Breathing while sleeping) and more things to not ask your doctor about.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Twitter-Returns-feat.png 330 432 Julien Perez https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Julien Perez2022-11-15 18:43:192023-01-01 14:10:07Twitter.com's Exchanges & Returns
Before you publicly announce your intention to purchase this long standing social media site please be sure of the following: Log onto Twitter and ask yourself, "Do I want this?" I mean it. Open Twitter and actually say out loud, "Do I want to be the owner of this nightmare?"
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Flex-feat.png 330 432 Robert Criss https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Robert Criss2022-11-15 16:34:032022-11-15 16:34:03Fight Or Flight Or Flex
You’re walking along and you see a house engulfed in flames. Fight: You immediately run into the house and rescue the family trapped inside. Flight: You get out of the way, giving firefighters space to rescue the family trapped inside. Flex: You rip your shirt off and flex really hard at the house fire with the family trapped inside.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/trump-mechanic-feat.png 330 432 Bobbie Armstrong https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Bobbie Armstrong2022-11-10 13:50:342022-11-10 13:50:34As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me
I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/colon-box-feat.png 330 432 Laura Gaddis https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Laura Gaddis2022-11-09 18:21:162022-11-17 00:47:02I’m the Cologuard Box, and I Can Diagnose your Personality Disorder
Who takes a cute little box with a face and limbs and rips him open to insert poop? I’ll tell you who–people with problems. Which is why I’m now equipped to tell you what’s wrong with your personality. And believe me, there is something wrong with you. You’re pooping in a box.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/gary-talkward-feat.png 330 432 Talkward https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Talkward2022-11-04 16:14:502022-11-04 16:14:50Talkward w/ guest Gary Almeter
This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writer and author Gary Almeter! Gary's new humor book 'The Official Dream Dinner Party Handbook' explores the question: If you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who do you pick? How do you choose? And how can it all go terribly wrong? It's very funny and you should buy it right now! https://bit.ly/dreamdinnerparty
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Money-saving-feat.png 330 432 Noel Leon https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Noel Leon2022-11-04 15:12:282022-11-04 15:12:28Looming Threat of a Recession? Here's 8 Surefire Money Saving Tips!
Make Showering Dates: What better way to get to know that causal Facebook acquaintance or neighbor than to ask to use their shower? One look into their bathroom cabinet and you’ll find everything you need to know about them (even painfully intimate details). And, not only will you save on your water bill by racking up theirs, you’ll increasing your lifespan! Studies show people with more social connections live longer!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/uncle-jon-feat.png 330 432 Jonathan Zeller https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jonathan Zeller2022-11-03 19:57:072023-01-01 14:12:12I Am Happy with My Choice to Remain Childless. Also, Call Me “Uncle Jon.” You Must Care for Me When I Am Old.
Your purpose isn’t to please your parents. It’s to find your own bliss, whether that comes from bar trivia, travel to destinations that allow you to bring your dog, or covering my rent once I’m too old to work but haven’t amassed a large enough 401(k) to last through retirement.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/11/Ye-meeting-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2022-11-03 19:33:352023-01-01 14:55:32Transcript From The Recent Emergency Meeting Of The Multiversal Council Of Kanyes
Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I'm sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND- Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/spoinled-feat.png 330 432 Gabriel Thibodeau https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Gabriel Thibodeau2022-10-27 18:43:482023-01-01 14:13:59Spoiled: A Visual Diary of Compromised Groceries
I left my fridge cracked open all night. Please do not judge me. It was very much an accident and I very much need your help. In our current apocalypse, I can’t afford to throw out anything unnecessarily. After all, groceries are gold, and we will soon be forced to use soft cheeses and gluten free English muffins to barter with Bezo-Muskians for safe passage off Earth! Is it spoiled?
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/pumpkinhead-feat.png 330 432 Tim Cahill https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Tim Cahill2022-10-26 17:52:302023-01-01 14:14:22'So Your Fiancée Woke Up with a Pumpkin Head, Now What?'
Now that there’s a huge pumpkin head walking around your house - meals are going to be a little trickier than normal. If however you eat all of your meals alone while hiding in a closet then please, skip this step. Food is going to be a problem because your lover has no way of eating it - she just has three goofy teeth and no jaw motion whatsoever.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/Dahmer-feat.png 330 432 Paul Lander https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Paul Lander2022-10-14 14:56:562022-10-14 14:56:56Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials
If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn't Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer's vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/myers-stalker-feat.png 330 432 William Vaillancourt https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png William Vaillancourt2022-10-13 17:06:352023-01-01 14:15:48I, Michael Myers, Want a Restraining Order Against Laurie Strode
I’ve been shot, stabbed, lit on fire, poked through the eye with a wire hanger — the list goes on. All have been her doing. Other acts of violence have been outright demeaning as well. Just last year, while a vicious mob had me surrounded in the street, some old lady struck me with, of all things, an iron. Like I’m just one big joke.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/Unsub-feat-1.png 330 432 Rodney Uhler https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Rodney Uhler2022-10-11 20:12:592023-01-01 14:15:34I Will No Longer Unsubscribe
Just for fun, I post my social security number on Reddit. I change all my passwords to “whatever,” and my security questions to Highlights Magazine word-searches. I change my political affiliation to “undecided, seeking suggestions.” I start trials on every streaming service, even fake ones like Paramount+. Like an unsupervised child, I allow any and all cookies. I haven’t cleared my cache in weeks and yet, mentally, I’ve never been clearer. Instead of URL I see “You are loved.”
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/books-stacks-feat.png 330 432 Corey Pajka https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Corey Pajka2022-10-11 20:07:422022-10-11 20:07:42How Not to Come to Terms with Your Unread Books in Twenty-Five Steps
1) Most were purchased at your local independent bookstore. Take pride that you’ve supported a small business during a pandemic. Remind self that store is currently doing fine, and no more books are needed for now. 2) See books you bought Tuesday and Wednesday. Realize you should have written out step one on Monday...
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/tom-brady-office-work-feat.png 330 432 Justine Cotter https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Justine Cotter2022-10-06 12:23:082022-10-06 12:23:08Lesser-Known Quitting Styles
Tom Brady Quitting: You announce your retirement, spend 40 days at home with three kids, and then announce your comeback.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/group-friends-making-big-party-beach-feat.png 330 432 Jonathan Zeller https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jonathan Zeller2022-10-06 11:31:142023-01-01 14:16:17How to Hold Your Therapist’s Attention
Paint a Pretty Picture: Describe the people in your life as more attractive than they are. A good-looking cast begets a good, listening therapist. Vividly detail stunning features, exotic locales, and witty repartee. Consider giving your characters catchphrases. For example: “Now that’s what I call a doughnut, volume cake!” It makes sense in context.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/RomanDeSantis-feat.png 330 432 Rochelle Elana Fisher https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Rochelle Elana Fisher2022-10-05 14:25:482022-10-05 14:25:48The Republican Emperors Hereby Present You With An Opportunity To Become Esteemed Gladiators
We’re not kidnapping you, and we’re not forcing you to fight against your will. You aren’t pawns in some elaborate game... You are prized gladiator fighters– royalty even! As proof, here’s a gift card to McDonald's, and some armor we’ve crafted out of recycled Diet Coke cans.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/womans-face-book-feat-1.png 330 432 Liz Alterman https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Liz Alterman2022-10-04 13:34:122023-01-01 14:16:31Things People Say to Writers Translated
"You wrote a book! How exciting!" (Oh you poor delusional fool!) “Where do you get your ideas?” (You seem so dull in real life.) “Will I recognize any of the characters?” (Am I in it and can I sue you? )
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/carrot-top-cake-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2022-09-29 18:08:462022-09-30 00:15:55Just Desserts (Revenge Bakery Menu)
Key Lyme Disease Pie, Carrot Top Cake, S'ores, and more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/dan-pool-rulz-feat.png 330 432 Madeline Goetz https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Madeline Goetz2022-09-29 17:20:032023-01-01 14:17:18Pool Rules for Dan
No peeing in the pool. No bodily fluids of any kind at any time. So stop getting in the pool after you’ve had three Coronas, Dan. And keep your snot-nosed kids out of the water too. They scare me. The older one said he knows how I’m going to die.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/Bros-beforeCrows-feat.png 330 432 Jason Garramone https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jason Garramone2022-09-27 14:22:132023-01-01 14:17:42Non-Sexist Things That Bros Come Before
Cloves: Don’t even think about prioritizing these dried aromatic buds over your real buds. It doesn’t matter if you’ve watched a YouTube video titled The 8 Surprising Health Benefits of Cloves. Repeat after me: “Bros before cloves!”
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/fordummie-feat.png 330 432 Katie Brookoff https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Katie Brookoff2022-09-22 19:37:572023-01-01 14:22:25For Dummies By Dummies
That is why we’ve developed a new series, For Dummies By Dummies ®. In each For Dummies By Dummies ® book, we have real, unqualified lay people posing as experts writing to other real, unqualified lay people in a way that is both relatable and completely unreliable. Join us in celebrating some of our newest titles!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/weaslehuy-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2022-09-22 18:58:372022-09-22 18:58:37A Modern Guide To Translating Small Talk
"Pretty chilly today!" usually means "The army of rabid weasels that I control with my mind can be here before you have a chance to remove me from these premises."
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/tucansam-taxes-feat-1.png 330 432 Brian Boone https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Brian Boone2022-09-20 19:34:032023-01-01 14:22:54Shocking Truths of the Cereal Mascots
Toucan Sam hasn’t paid his taxes in 30 years. The Raisin Bran sun cyber-bullies his daughter’s classmates. Cap’n Crunch only ever took to the sea to avoid a manslaughter charge in Virginia. And more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/masonjar-feat.png 330 432 Emily Kapp https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Emily Kapp2022-09-20 16:20:142023-01-01 14:23:02As A Mason Jar, I’ve Had Enough of These Barn Weddings
Do you ever feel like you had a specific purpose in life, but then you were called to do something different? And it doesn’t feel right? Recently I was visiting my cousin, Ball, who’s been upcycled as a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser. He never knew he was going to become a trendy, country-chic soap dispenser, but he said he feels like his life is full.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/healthcare-web-feat.png 330 432 Andy Spain https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Andy Spain2022-09-16 12:01:332023-01-01 14:23:19At UnitedHealthcare We’re Addressing Your Medical Expense Concerns By Ignoring You and Redesigning Our Website
Instead of tying up health providers with your selfish medical dilemmas, have you tried typing your symptoms into WebMD and begging your loving God for mercy? Prayers don’t cost anything. Maybe try praying more and leave those doctors and nurses alone. They’re way too busy trying to navigate our labyrinthine reimbursement policies.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/podcast-rural-pa-feat.png 330 432 Evelyn Frick https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Evelyn Frick2022-09-15 13:07:542023-01-01 14:23:27Thank You For Listening To Our Podcast!
And of course, Kate, we have to thank our fans. As two born-and-raised Californians, we couldn’t insert ourselves into Keystone local politics, sift through heaps of data you have no way of knowing were gathered accurately or ethically, and break it all down for you in-between absolutely incessant bickering week after week without listenership analytics that keep our production company happy.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/craig-talkward-feat.png 330 432 Talkward https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Talkward2022-09-14 16:56:582022-09-14 16:56:58Talkward w/ guest Craig Thomas
This episode features the very talented comedy writer and TV producer Craig Thomas! Craig is the co-creator, executive producer, and writer of “How I Met Your Mother,” which received 30 Emmy Award nominations in its nine-season run. Before that he wrote for 'The Late Show with David Letterman' and 'American Dad!'. Craig is also an accomplished musician and songwriter! Most recently his prose has been published in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Weekly Humorist and soon, The Iowa Review. Follow him on twitter at @HIMYMCraig
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/mermaid-feat.png 330 432 Gabriel Thibodeau https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Gabriel Thibodeau2022-09-13 18:17:112022-09-13 18:17:11Acceptable Mermaid Skin Tones: A Guide for Racists
*Not a comprehensive guide: mermaids are fictional creatures.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/WH-cartoon-template-compart-feat.png 330 432 Frega DiPerri https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Frega DiPerri2022-09-09 15:43:102022-09-09 15:43:10CARTOON: Boxed Up
Neat and tidy. Today's cartoon by Frega DiPerri.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/Trolling-feat.png 330 432 Noel Leon https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Noel Leon2022-09-09 13:22:472023-01-01 14:23:50PSA from an Internet Troll
“Internet trolls” need better PR. Our slogan should be something like: Providing A Pro-Bono Reality Check One Comment at a Time! Because, contrary to popular opinion, we don’t muck up the internet. We nudge people to their senses.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/highschool-newspaper-feat.png 330 432 Bobbie Armstrong https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Bobbie Armstrong2022-09-08 15:10:132022-09-08 15:10:13Totally Straight High School News Your Administration Will Approve Of
Homecoming Court Includes No Students With Hair Dyed Purple, Choir To Put on Concert Consisting of Dave Matthews Band Discography, English Department Announces Pronouns No Longer Allowed in Student Writing, and more!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/Mindful-Magic-frames-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2022-09-07 19:51:492023-01-01 14:24:04The Finalists for Mindfulness Magician of the Year!
The Great Laverne / Real Name: Etherea Sparkle / Signature Illusion: Escaping a toxic relationship.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/eliose-29-nyc-feat2.png 330 432 Caroline Beuley https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Caroline Beuley2022-09-06 09:23:532023-01-01 14:24:20Eloise is STILL at The Plaza
I am Eloise. I am twenty-nine. I am an adult (ish). I STILL live at The Plaza. I know it’s not as cool to live in Midtown anymore. But my mom refuses to buy me a loft in DUMBO. Which is RAWTHER frustrating! So here I am living amongst tourists, tourists, tourists!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/WH-cartoon-template-life-feat-1.png 330 432 Jim Shoenbill https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jim Shoenbill2022-09-02 12:51:262022-09-02 12:51:26CARTOON: List Fits
Watch a sunrise or a thousand. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/WH-cartoon-template-elephant-feat.png 330 432 Paul Lander https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Paul Lander2022-09-02 12:28:132022-09-02 12:28:13CARTOON: Trunk Bunk
Strife of the party. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/Humanities-full-potter-feat.png 330 432 John Terry https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png John Terry2022-09-02 11:25:122022-09-02 11:25:12Dear Hogwarts, I Am Absolutely Begging You To Fund the Humanities
Let’s start with hiring history professors who, unlike Professor Binns, happen to be alive. All the other ghosts at Hogwarts are either house mascots or dead students, and it’s unconscionable that we still employ a ghost to teach the humanities while Defense Against the Dark Arts, whose faculty have included a Voldemort-denier and a parasitic host for Voldemort himself, seems to get a new – breathing – teacher annually.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/God-Press-News-feat-1.png 330 432 McKayley Gourley https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png McKayley Gourley2022-09-01 16:29:022023-01-01 14:24:31God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins
Think about the prayer economy! If we forgive too many sins, then there won’t be enough prayers for salvation coming in to sustain our Saints. Plus, a lot of people wish for ice luges in their Forever Paradise in the Sky. Do you know how expensive those are? If we get an unprecedented influx of people coming into heaven, all wishing for their own personal ice luge, I’m going to have to start laying off angels.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/Prunefest-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2022-09-01 15:21:362022-09-01 15:29:57Last Minute Budget Summer Vacation Suggestions
PruneFest! Spend an idyllic summer afternoon in the company of friends and loved ones, savoring the sweet scents and flavors of a wide variety of prunes, prune jams and jellies, prune wine, plus workshops on using prunes to improve everything from your chi and sex life to sleep patterns. Look out for Pruney Paul and his green basket of prunes, it's all he eats and it shows (smells)! As usual with this particular event, porta-potties are in high demand yet short supply, so please plan accordingly.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/hashtag-gamecard-PotSports-feat.png 330 432 Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Weekly Humorist Hashtag Games2022-08-31 20:03:442022-08-31 20:03:44#PotSports
Hot Boxing, Ping Bong, Kentucky Doobie, and more #PotSports on this week's trending joke game!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/monkey-typing-shakespeare-feat.png 330 432 Emily Kling https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Emily Kling2022-08-31 19:48:432023-01-01 14:24:44Quiz: Are You a Worker Under Late Stage Capitalism or a Monkey Trying to Type Shakespeare as Part of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?
Have your wages kept up with the cost of living? A. No. I haven’t received a raise in years! And my company doesn’t offer cost of living increases to keep apace with inflation, either. B. emnc fiv hj jdp38v kig id xivjf cxji xv romeo
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/Breadgirl-feat.png 330 432 Ally Johnson https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Ally Johnson2022-08-30 20:34:482023-01-01 14:24:54What Your Favorite Restaurant Bread Says About You
Cheesecake Factory Brown Bread and Baguettes: Congratulations, fancy pants! Is your cummerbund too tight? Much like the baguette on the table, you likely have a bunch of stuff that’s just for show in your home, like a room in your house just for sitting.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/court-bbq-feat.png 330 432 Corey Pajka https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Corey Pajka2022-08-25 19:37:122023-01-01 14:25:10Summer Barbecue Tips from the Supreme Court of the United States
Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/tippy-mayor-feat.png 330 432 Madeline Goetz https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Madeline Goetz2022-08-25 19:09:212023-01-01 14:25:35Meet the Animal Mayors Running, Scampering, and Flying for Reelection in 2022
Tippy the Tortoise | Florida: Affectionately known as the “Marsh Monarch,” Tippy has been mayor of this coastal city for 95 years. He has seen mighty politicians rise and fall, and yet he has remained. Despite a rumored networth of $7B, he has been plagued by financial troubles: he has sired thousands of children and his exes are all extremely litigious.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/brit-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2022-08-23 14:25:232022-08-23 14:30:20REVIEW: The Disastrous Dating Life Of Diane Damone
The basic rom-com set-up of "woman with a less-than-satisfactory dating history going on a series of romantic misadventures" is given a fresh coat of paint by some very funny writing, and by Brittany herself, who is as funny as she is charming and likable (which is to say, very).
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/grief-app-feat.png 330 432 Hunter Gardner https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Hunter Gardner2022-08-23 14:00:232023-01-01 14:25:51The 5 Stages of Grief Automated Voice Message System
Now tell me: Would you do anything to bring your friend or loved one back? If so, say “BARGAINING”. You can also say, “I’M STILL ANGRY” or throw your phone out the window. / Bargaining. / Sounds like you’re currently in a state of BARGAINING. Would you like to hear about exclusive travel deals from our sponsors? / No. / Got it. We’ll still text you with those offers after this call...
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/WH-cartoon-template-hellterms-feat.png 330 432 Jim Shoenbill https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Jim Shoenbill2022-08-19 16:36:242022-08-19 16:36:24CARTOON: Hellish Terms
Devil's in the details. Today's cartoon by Jim Shoenbill
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/WH-cartoon-template-godwindow-feat.png 330 432 Mat Barton and Adam Cooper https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Mat Barton and Adam Cooper2022-08-19 16:10:222022-08-19 16:37:38CARTOON: Airflow
Easy breezy. Today's cartoon by Mat Barton & Adam Cooper.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/Poe-Apt-broker-png-feat.png 330 432 Chloe Schneider https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Chloe Schneider2022-08-18 17:57:072023-01-01 14:26:30StreetEasy Listings From Your Broker, Edgar Allan Poe
With heat and water to mortals given - / But their electricity, without Verizon/ MUST YOU REALLY NEED THAT DOG OR CAT?/ As ample storage a plenty, uncommon as is/ Trade thy Australian Shephard for stainless steel appliances
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/JabbaTheHusband-feat-1.png 330 432 Mike Reiss https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Mike Reiss2022-08-16 16:55:552023-01-01 14:26:49Jabba the Husband
(This is Jabba the Hutt’s middle class, suburban life. We see Jabba as a bedraggled commuter, with loosened tie, squashed fedora and a newspaper under his arm.) “What a day I had. You know that servant girl in the gold bikini? She tried to strangle me! Then three guys and this big dog blew up my floating palace.” “Poor baby,” said his wife, Jenna the Hutt. She gave him a big wet sloppy goopy stringy kiss on the forehead.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/gma-cookies-feat.png 330 432 Madeline Goetz https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Madeline Goetz2022-08-16 15:13:132023-01-01 14:27:01Grandma’s Quick & Easy Chocolate Chip Cookies and Entire Life
One Cup Sugar: In 356 BC, my Grandma, ever the socialite, found herself in the company of Alexander The Great – or as she called him, Alexander The Good Enough – and learned of this incredible new substance he had encountered during one of his campaigns: sugar. According to my Grandma, he told her it was the sweetest thing he’d ever found, to which she responded, “that’s because you hadn’t met me yet.”
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/insect-worker-feat.png 330 432 Michelle Cohn https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Michelle Cohn2022-08-11 17:24:482022-08-11 17:24:48A Millennial Metamorphosis
Not sure why but I’ve transformed into a giant insect (see pictures attached). I tried sleeping it off but that didn’t seem to work. Rest assured though I am working hard to figure this out so that it doesn’t affect my job performance. I’m getting better at controlling the mobility of all these legs, so I can still dial into the 10am...
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/job-interview-feat.png 330 432 Sophia Stio https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Sophia Stio2022-08-11 17:00:342022-08-11 17:00:34Cover Letter For a Job I Do Not Want But Need
To be completely honest with you, the idea of making money is very exciting to me. Allow me to put things into perspective for you. Last night I had a glass of water and an episode of The Sopranos for dinner. Am I painting a clear enough picture for you, employer? I need this job…I need it bad!
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/fresh-vegetables-fruits-store-feat.png 330 432 Anne Jaconette https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Anne Jaconette2022-08-09 18:41:222023-01-01 14:27:29How to Store Fruits and Vegetables
Tomatoes: It’s best to store your tomatoes at room temp. Putting your tomatoes in the fridge will transform them into water balloons of cold, wet, vegetal sand. At this point you can blend them into gazpacho, a cold, wet, vegetal broth that you’ll piss out in 21-22 minutes.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/greatgreat-feat.png 330 432 Robert Criss https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Robert Criss2022-08-09 17:58:422023-01-01 14:27:37If Only My Immigrant Great Grandfather Could See Me Now, He’d Say “Where Am I?”
"One minute I’m resting peacefully and now I’m dropped here without explanation. And I really don’t know why you keep giving me children. It’s not a good idea to hand your children to someone you just met. Do you understand me? I don’t know what’s happening right now. What is the train schedule? I need to leave. I don’t want to be here.”
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/church-donations-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2022-08-05 08:47:052022-08-05 08:47:05A Breakdown Of Where Your Weekly Church Contribution Goes
$ 195 eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary. $ 125.00 Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property. $ 87 3 dozen bags of marshmallows, 8 syringes of sodium pentothal for Youth Group retreat.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/that-lady-feat.png 330 432 Sarah Layden https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Sarah Layden2022-08-04 15:54:132022-08-04 15:54:13Unsolved Mysteries: Who’s that Lady?
This special episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” on Netflix is dedicated to understanding one of the most confounding mysteries in pop music history: Who’s that lady? You know the one. She fills our hearts and minds, brought somewhat to life through song lyrics devoid of significant detail or description.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/summer-reading-feat.png 330 432 Kevin Lutz https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kevin Lutz2022-08-04 15:17:522023-01-01 14:28:17What You Remember From Your Summer Reading Homework Based On What Kind Of Student You Were
Atlas Shrugged: Overachiever: Everything. It’s your favorite book, in a really annoying way. Average: Not much. You haven’t thought about the book since high school. Terrible: Nothing. You also say it’s your favorite book in a really annoying way.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/non-emergency-feat.png 330 432 Robert Criss https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Robert Criss2022-08-03 14:08:502022-08-03 14:08:50Three Digit Phone Numbers to Memorize Next Time You’re in a Jam
911—Universal Emergency Services Number 311—Non-Emergency Services Number 922—Not Quite An Emergency But Also Not Quite A Non-Emergency (i.e. My Shed Is Slightly On Fire But We’ve Been Meaning To Get Rid Of It And It’s Raining Pretty Hard So…Take Your Time) Services Number
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/08/WH-cartoon-template-back-wacky-feat.png 330 432 Patrick Hickey https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Patrick Hickey2022-08-02 19:24:082022-08-02 19:24:08CARTOON: Wacky Backy
Next goes the hair. Today's cartoon by Patrick Hickey.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/WH-cartoon-template-stone-feat.png 330 432 Lynn Hsu https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Lynn Hsu2022-07-29 15:56:042022-07-29 15:56:04CARTOON: Drain Pain
Snaked and drained. Today's cartoon by Lynn Hsu.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/WH-cartoon-template-wish-feat.png 330 432 Drew Panckeri https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Drew Panckeri2022-07-29 15:48:272022-07-29 15:48:27CARTOON: You Wish
Granted: Savings. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.
https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/Qananny-feat.png 330 432 Kit Lively https://weeklyhumorist.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/WH-color-logo-pattern-b.png Kit Lively2022-07-29 15:23:102023-01-01 14:28:52Select Scenes From The QAnanny Sitcom
QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee Gross Sheffield: What is that… that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh? Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean… kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain.