David Ellison’s Hostile Bid for Your Kid’s Birthday Cake

I, David Ellison, Paramount CEO and son of centibillionaire Larry Ellison, have emerged victorious in my quest for Warner Bros. It just goes to show that with the right amount of persistence, and daddy’s money, anything is possible. And yet, I can’t help but feel a little hollow. I mean, how can I enjoy celebrating with myself at Chuck E. Cheese when I’m surrounded by franchises that I don’t own?

Look at Mason R.’s Star Wars birthday cake, for example. Seriously Mason? Why did you have to choose a theme from a Disney franchise?

Wait. What am I saying? I’m David Ferris Ellison, master negotiator. I always get what I want. And right now, I want this kid’s Star Wars birthday cake.

Excuse me, Mason? Mason R.?

I know you’re busy partying but you’re gonna want to hear what I have to say. Don’t worry, this will only take a couple minutes. I’ll have you back to the Chuck E. Cheese LIVE dance party in no time.

My name’s David Ellison, and I want your birthday cake.

You absolutely can talk to me, Mason. I just introduced myself, so we’re not strangers anymore. And if you knew anything, you’d want to be friends with me because my daddy is rich and powerful. Have you heard of my daddy? Larry Ellison is his name and he’s worth over 200 billion dollars. Do you know how much 200 billion dollars is? Well, it’s a lot. It’s like having 200 billion tickets. With 200 billion tickets, you could buy 25 million GI Joe Cobra Rattler Construction Sets, or 50 million Chuck E. Cheese Desktop Drum Sets, or 20 billion cheap erasers that highlight your mistakes rather than remove them.

Back to your cake. Has anyone else expressed interest in it? Your best friend Liam? Which one is he? Oh, I see him. He sure looks like he’d want to eat your whole cake. Do they call him Lumpy Liam? What’s he offering? One Ring Pop and five of those weird sticky hands that never work in exchange for a 75% stake in your birthday cake?

Honestly Mason, that’s not a good deal. Lumpy Liam is a chump. He probably still uses a night light. I haven’t used my night light in over two months.

I’ve got a much better deal for you. Listen up. In exchange for your entire cake, I’ll give you: 58 tickets that I got from dominating Skee-ball just now, and ten of those weird sticky hands.

Mason, Mason, Mason. You’re getting caught up in the emotion of it. It doesn’t matter that Liam is your best friend. He’s bad news, trust me. You can’t spell “Liar Meany Chump Face” without “L”, “I”, “A”, and “M”. You don’t need him. All you really need in life is a wealthy daddy. How much is your daddy worth by the way? Actually, it doesn’t matter. As long as his last name isn’t Musk, or Bezos, or Zuckerberg, he’s no match for my daddy.

I can see you’re still on the fence.

Here’s a better deal: 200 tickets, twenty of those weird sticky hands (two different colors, your choice), and a minor role in Top Gun 3: Fighting for Daddy’s Love. It’s still in development but I got to pick the name because I’m CEO of Paramount.

What do you say?

No? You’re making a big mistake Mason. It’s time for the big guns. And I’m not talking about the guns featured in Top Gun 3: Fighting for Daddy’s Love. I’m getting daddy on the phone right now.

Hello? Daddy? Are you there? I’m close to a lucrative Star Wars birthday cake deal but I need your money now! I know I can just buy a cake but I want this one! I’m not sure, I think it’s chocolate. I DON’T WANT A SPONGEBOB CAKE! I ALREADY OWN SPONGEBOB!

Don’t you hang up on me! Daddy? DADDY!!

Okay Mason. Looks like it’s just you and me on this one. What if I upped the offer to thirty of those weird sticky hands? The premium ones that are sparkly?

Still a no? Okay, it’s your call. No, I get it, Liam is your best friend. Don’t be surprised when the villain in Top Gun 3 is named Mason R. I have better things to do with my time.

Excuse me, Lumpy Liam? I hear you’re about to acquire a Star Wars birthday cake. What would you say if I told you I could make you a movie star in exchange for that cake?