originals

All of Our Rejected McSweeney’s Submissions

by Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton

A Hegelian Reading of Ivanka’s Spring Beauty Line

An Open Letter to the Attractive French Couple in Line for the Statue of Liberty

List: Shania Twain Song or Italian Deli Order?

I Don’t Approve of What Woody Allen Did, But I’m Still Going to Quote His Movies, by All Of My White Male Friends



I am a Millennial, and I’m Not Looking For Toilet Paper, I’m Looking for a Clean-Butt Lifestyle

An Open Letter to My Mother About My Vulva

7 Great Fellini Movies to Check Out While You’re Waiting for the Prostitute to Arrive

I Believe in Religious Liberty, Which Is Why I Am Now Buying This Slave, by Thomas Jefferson

All of My Friends Are Getting Engaged and I Still Can’t Find a Type of Toothpaste I Like

I’m in Grad School, and My Life Is Sad!

Foucaultian Social Control and the Night I Thought I Was Going to Lose My Virginity at Senior Prom

Paradise Lost, as Recounted by Van Morrison

List: Items on My Wedding Registry I Will Eventually Accuse My Housekeeper of Stealing

It’s Bedazzled Jeans Season, You Fucking Asshole!

Sentiment and Sustainability: An Ecological Warning in Taylor Swift’s “Mine”

List: Sexual Positions I Try Not to Think About When I Talk to my Boss

The 2018 Farmer’s Almanac, by Giovanni Boccaccio

Sidney Carlton From A Tale of Two Cities Sits in on My Econ 101 Discussion Section

A Close Reading of My Body-Mass Index

Unfinished Business From My Senior Year in Under 800 Words With Some Jokes

List: Missed Connections Ads to My Childhood Crushes

Comments I Write on Student Papers That I Also Say During Sex

List: Ways in Which I Wish the Dick van Dyke Show Were a Documentary About my Actual Life

Nicknames for My Breasts That Are Funnier the More You Know About Antebellum America

I, Too, Like Visiting Different Countries: A Memoir of Online Dating, Chapter One: But Who Is That Other Person in Your Profile Picture?

The Shortcomings of Third-Wave Feminism, by Zeus, God of Thunder

Hi, I’m That Guy Playing His Video at Full Volume on the Train Who You are Projecting Resentment Toward Your Father Onto

Mike Pence Answers Your Questions About Cunnilingus

Let’s Not Turn This Into Some Kind of Witch Hunt, by William Stoughton, Chief Magistrate of the Salem Witch Trials and Reputed Pincher of Derrieres

List: Incorrect Ways to Cite Your Therapist in Your History Dissertation

My Childhood Nannies, Ranked