Entries by Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton


BOOK EXCERPT: The Carlyles

Pattie Carlyle wiped a line of sweat from her forehead, brushed her thick, frizzy black hair back over her ears, bent down, and lifted up a large wooden crate from her brownstone’s doorstep. Straining under its weight and the heavy air that presaged a thunderstorm, she reached several times for the front door handle before finally establishing a hold long enough to wedge it open with her foot….Read the full 1st chapter from the new book THE CARYLYES. Out now!

Best of 2022

Your Psychiatrist’s Generalized Anxiety Survey

In the past five days, how often have you experienced nervousness or felt on edge? …skipped meals or experienced low or no appetite? …avoided social interactions, even with loved ones, such as a partner/spouse?
If you answered “Sometimes,” was it to avoid hearing your partner/spouse mention their coworker Paul again and how funny and clever he is?


Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned.

Anna: Sorry?


Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Super Bowl Party

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel, and I’m wondering whether you and Gary are free to watch the Super Bowl with me on Sunday. Just a few friends gathering together, reveling in the thrill and glory of spor—no, not a big party. Just a few friends. Ah, no, Paul won’t be there.


Ivanka Trump’s Reflections on Hanukkah and Flipping on Your Entire Family

The First Night Hanukkah. The Festival of Lights. Ever since I discovered my Jewish identity, this holiday has held a special place in my heart. A time to spend with family. Sitting around the menorah, swapping stories and making sure they line up. This year, in particular, Hanukkah has taken on a new personal meaning. […]


Walden in Park Slope

It’s all too simple to fall into Daedalus’s labyrinth of materialism. We blindly follow capitalism’s siren call and consequently find ourselves dashed upon the rocks of wage labor, obscene wealth, and frumpy big-box stores. I didn’t want to wake up and find that I had not lived, so I packed up and moved to a Spartan, two-bedroom cabin in the Adirondacks for a few months. It hasn’t been redone since the ‘90s, but that was kind of the point, right? And since my parents were wintering in Palm Beach, I knew it would be free till at least March.


John Kelly’s Draft Letters of Resignation

Regardless, I will gladly see to the several outstanding issues under my watch before departing. To start, Sheila in Accounting has advised that there is no “hush money” designation in the system and indicated that one could not be created.


Honest New York Times Wedding Announcements

Sasha, a graduate student in social work at New York University, and Henry, an angel investor and serial entrepreneur, met at a networking event hosted by the Harvard College Alumni Association in the City of New York, where they quickly discovered a shared passion for French pastry, expressionist painting, and pharmaceutical cocaine.


Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Date Night

Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel, and I’m wondering if we’re still on for Saturday night. No, sorry, honey, I just thought it’d be funny to—yeah, an actor, too. Yeah, I usually mention that one first. Well, a lot of people are fans of Carnal Knowledge, and they tend to—Carnal Knowledge. […]


The Soul Child, the Poet, and the Bedford-Stuyvesant Y

He placed his hands on my hips in what our instructor, Diego, said was first position. “One, two, one, two, one two,” Diego counted from the front of the room. Falling into a trance, I could already feel my ego dissolving. There was no I. No Tray. Just the music, its noble, primitive rhythms, and […]


Michael Cohen’s Legal Flashcards

Questions to look up beforehand (see Yahoo Answers?):   Larceny Bribery vs. blackmail What is a deposition?   * * *   Habeus Corpus: A writ requiring a person under arrest to be brought before a judge or into court, especially to secure the person’s release unless lawful grounds are shown for their detention. Corpus […]


The Summer 2018 Guide to Planning Your Dream Wedding and Swallowing That Last Bit of Yourself That Held Onto Your Most Secret and Sacred Dreams

 Stay Organized Between the guest list, the registry, and all the vendors to manage, you’ll have a lot of balls in the air, but that shouldn’t be a problem for you! Heck, by junior year of high school, you already had written your college application essays, found a boyfriend on the wrestling team, won a […]


How to Get More Sleep

Keep In Sync With Your Body’s Sleep Cycle We know maintaining a proper sleep schedule can be tough. Life can often get in the way of a good night’s rest. Late nights at the office. An evening of pub trivia. Or maybe you just need to clutch onto every single precious moment you have to […]


Paul Manafort’s 7 Keys to a More Deliberate Life

Welcome, everyone, and congratulations, because just by being here today, you have already taken a crucial first step on the path to success. Far too often, we are the leaf, when we would rather be the stream; the tortoise, when we’d rather be—Frank, you’ve started the clock, right? Hour seven of community service, get that […]


Job Application: Russian Troll Farm

Internet Research Agency is searching to discover a supremely intelligent, motivated self-starting patriot for our operations of graphic design. The paradigmatic candidate is possessed by a spirit of adventure, an innate respect for Typography and what it represents, and an ardent skepticism of the Deep State.   The Requirements of the job are inclusive of […]


The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth, and Other Entries from the Diary of Stephen Miller

January 29, 2018 Talk about a banner day for Stephen Miller. First, POTUS liked my tweet about the wall (“BUILD IT”), then spent the entire afternoon with Hope working on the State of the Union. She accepted all my tracked changes for the speech before I even got to the office. When we were workshopping […]


Missed Connections Ads to My Childhood Crushes

Maybe our names aren’t the only things that go together? We were on a field trip to the post office. We were paired up because our first names were next to each other alphabetically. You held my hand when the postman showed us the picture of Ted Kaczynski on the Most Wanted wall. I’ve never […]


All of Our Rejected McSweeney’s Submissions

A Hegelian Reading of Ivanka’s Spring Beauty Line An Open Letter to the Attractive French Couple in Line for the Statue of Liberty List: Shania Twain Song or Italian Deli Order? I Don’t Approve of What Woody Allen Did, But I’m Still Going to Quote His Movies, by All Of My White Male Friends I […]


Don Jr. Presents: Wonders of the Animal Kingdom

The Monkey   Our first animal today, children, is the Pan troglodyte, commonly referred to as the Chimpanzee. I nailed this bad boy with a Mossberg 500 Tactical Pump Shotgun. Right out of the tree it was perched in. You can still see the surprised look on its face. Kids, push in a little closer […]


Taylor Swift Q3 Town Hall Meeting

Welcome, everyone! Thanks for coming down and taking time out of your busy schedules. I know everything is pretty crazy this time of year with the data coming in about Taylor’s optimal panty line for swimsuit season.   It’s been an exciting year for Taylor. Our fall quarter launch, Reputation, hit all our target numbers […]


Penthouse Letters: Hollywood Edition

Dear Penthouse: This never happens to me. After our broadcast this morning, I called the new production assistant into my office. About 5’8”, legs that won’t quit, and an ass so tight, it’s practically begging to get pinched. “You wanted to see me?” she asked. We’ve been playing this cat and mouse game since she […]


Lost Pages From the Steele Dossier

Note: This piece has been adapted from a recently completed novel about the 2016 Presidential Election, From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts. The following transcript was found within a classified dossier covertly obtained from the Kremlin. [DATE: 2/2/2016] PETROV: Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Mr. Trump. We regret your loss in the […]


Life After Simon & Garfunkel: Exchanging a Christmas Present

Art Garfunkel uses his considerable celebrity to exchange a Christmas gift. Oh, hello there. I’m actor and singing legend Art Garfunkel, and I would like to return this sweater. See, it’s a bit short in the sleeves, and—Sorry, what’s that? Yeah, that’s right, an actor, too. Well, did you ever see Carnal Knowledge? I was […]


The Spy Who Came in from the Access Hollywood Bus

A dimly lit tavern, somewhere along the Ukrainian border. A waitress circles the room listlessly, serving steaming plates of roasted meats. The establishment’s patrons eat in murmurs, regarding each other with quiet suspicion. The door opens, letting in a flurry of snow, along with a mysterious stranger wearing a cheap, baggy suit and a fur […]


These Electoral College Members Are Hot, Willing, and Waiting For Your Online Petitions!

Hey there, concerned citizen! Are you itching to have your voice heard? Do you have fantasies about Hillary Clinton’s choice for Transportation Secretary? Dreams about Tim Kaine being sent to the Danish head of state’s funeral? Visions of Michelle Obama as Secretary of State that you’re afraid to whisper in your wife’s ear? You don’t […]


Alliterative Day-of-the-Week Themes to Boost Morale at Your Startup

  Mole Mondays Nope, not the cute little furry critter! Though, we should think about getting one of those as a pet for the office. Steve—No, right, Steph—start a thread on Slack, will ya? No, we’re talking burritos, enchiladas, tacos, all smothered in as much of that rich, smoky sauce as you can handle. Don’t […]