As Emerald City Officials, We Assure You the Winged Monkeys are Nothing to Worry About

“As pressure mounts on federal officials to address ongoing concerns about possible drone sightings, East Coast residents, especially in New Jersey, remain on edge, with similar reports now emerging in Ohio, including a temporary airspace closure over a vital military base.” — CNN, December 16, 2024

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Listen, up residents of Oz. Please calm down about those monkeys flying over your house in the middle of the night. Even though we have no intelligence and are pretty much ignoring the issue ourselves, we can promise you they are not being sent by Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West. 

The Great and the Powerful Wizard is almost entirely sure about this. 

Yes, Winged Monkeys are smart and are capable of flying a long distance from Winkie Country while under the spell of an evil green being. But that’s probably not those winged creatures. We beg you– don’t overreact. Instead focus on actual threats like lions and tigers and bears. Right now, there is simply no evidence these mysterious levitating primates pose any security issues, but last night for a totally unrelated reason, we were forced to close the Yellow Brick Road. 

We are tired of all these conspiracy theories. Remember last year when Gillikin Country was blanketed in a glowing mystery haze and we told you it was nothing? Sure it turned out to be a deadly tornado originating from Kansas, but it was most certainly not Elphaba trying to get hold of those ruby slippers by blowing weed into your lungs. Or that time when the green liquid was found flowing out of Lake Quad? It was just some raw poison poppy contaminating the crops. Not the witch urinating on Oz. 

There’s no question that there are monkeys flying around. We do agree that some of these sightings are, in fact, Winged Monkeys. But most are probably regular monkeys wearing fairy wings they picked up in the Eastern Castle gift shop.  

True, their beady, searching eyes have been lighting up the sky over the Royal Palace like they are under a spell from a hostile foreign witch. And their loud squeaking sounds over the forest sure resemble a familiar “I’ll get you my pretty,” but that doesn’t mean you should fear them. Most of the time, they haven’t even been picked up by our ultra sophisticated Pterocebus pegasus detection systems.

Many of you, including Glinda, are demanding to know what spells we are casting to uncover who is behind these monkeys. I want to assure everyone that we are on top of it by not even whispering “abracadabra.” Also, in the meantime, while we are doing everything by doing nothing, Munchkins should not take matters into their own tiny hands. Don’t have the Lullaby League attempt to sing them out of the sky. Don’t encourage the Lollipop Guild to shoot them down with candy. Because you know what’s much worse than flying monkeys? Flying monkey guts. 

We swear on the Wizard’s scholarly mustache, they pose no more threat than a lion without courage. But if it makes you feel better, why don’t you close your eyes to block them out and say “there’s no place like home” a few times.

As you ignore the sharp claws right outside your bedroom window.