Even if getting my calluses greased up was my thing, I can’t fathom having such a hankering that I’d accept a free massage from a stranger in a cold, muddy, windswept park, surrounded by the far-from-tantalizing sounds of screaming kids.
I applaud your plan to “Eat healthier – no more triple bacon burgers with loaded fries and extra thick thickshakes at 2 am.” But it’s not my fault you packaged and labeled all the Christmas leftovers for each day until February. I’ve been eating the ham like you were drinking the eggnog: without reading the use-by date, late at night on the kitchen floor, alone, and belting out Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.”
I know we all get too much spam (my house is still filled with the recent political campaign scrolls from Pontius Pilate). So I’ll post roughly every two weeks — just enough to get us through my planned 28 posts before it’s Jesus’ birthday again and this time for you to ask “But what exactly is frankincense?”
Returns: Unfortunately, due to the perishable nature of the body, returns cannot be accepted.
Washing instructions: Do not wash — washing will degrade the quality of your carcass and ruin your washing machine.
Q: Why am I completely covered in thrush?
A: You took a bath in beer.
Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. High chair: A therapist who specializes in child developmental therapy and clients of all ages who throw their food.