Best of 2023

What Your Therapist’s Couch Says About Them

Armchair: A regular therapist.

Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients.

Hard wooden chair: A therapist who wants you to feel physically and emotionally uncomfortable until you find just the right spot to lean on.

Eames chair: Well la-di-da, you’ve found yourself a fancy therapist with some well-to-do clients.

His mother’s / her father’s favorite rocking chair: A Freudian therapist.

Balance ball: A therapist who espouses the strong connection between mind and body, and also moonlights as a pilates instructor.

High chair: A therapist who specializes in child developmental therapy and clients of all ages who throw their food.

Camp chair: A therapist who is taking acoustic guitar lessons; expect lots of outdoor retreats and sitting around a fire singing Kumbaya.

Dental chair: These sessions are going to hurt and won’t be covered by your health insurance.

Your bed: A teletherapist.

Their bed: A therapist too involved with their clients.

Airplane seat: Buckle up for a therapist who will use a lot of aviation metaphors, such as ‘there might be turbulence, but you’re the pilot of your own life’, ‘let your personality take flight’, and ‘your session has been unexpectedly canceled’.

Bean bag: A therapist desperate to be known as ‘the cool therapist’, and hoping to score a gig at a trendy start-up using their modified version of CBT — ‘Cognitive Bag Therapy’.

The Iron Throne: A therapist with an unhealthy obsession with Game of Thrones, this is something they should talk to their therapist about.

Toilet: You need a new therapist.