Infrequently Asked Questions About Easter
Q: Was Jesus’s tomb chocolate?
A: No, it was stone. Jesus isn’t Willy Wonka. He’s not munching his way out of his tomb to the high-pitched cheers of Oompa-Loompas. This is serious.
Entries by Angus Duffin
A 4/20 Sesh or a Kids’ Easter Egg Hunt?
Cody rocks up in a giant pink bunny costume. Bailey is in the backyard spinning in circles, singing “Baby Shark,” and trying to pat her head and rub her tummy. Luna gets the munchies and asks if there’s anything to eat. And more!
An Open Letter to the Lady in the Park Offering “Free Tantalizing Foot Massage”
Even if getting my calluses greased up was my thing, I can’t fathom having such a hankering that I’d accept a free massage from a stranger in a cold, muddy, windswept park, surrounded by the far-from-tantalizing sounds of screaming kids.
A Letter to My Younger Self of a Few Weeks Ago About Our New Year’s Resolutions
I applaud your plan to “Eat healthier – no more triple bacon burgers with loaded fries and extra thick thickshakes at 2 am.” But it’s not my fault you packaged and labeled all the Christmas leftovers for each day until February. I’ve been eating the ham like you were drinking the eggnog: without reading the use-by date, late at night on the kitchen floor, alone, and belting out Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.”
Subscribe to “The Gospel According to Matthew” Substack
I know we all get too much spam (my house is still filled with the recent political campaign scrolls from Pontius Pilate). So I’ll post roughly every two weeks — just enough to get us through my planned 28 posts before it’s Jesus’ birthday again and this time for you to ask “But what exactly is frankincense?”
Give the Neighborhood Kids a Good Scare With This Genuine Rotting Corpse
Returns: Unfortunately, due to the perishable nature of the body, returns cannot be accepted.
Washing instructions: Do not wash — washing will degrade the quality of your carcass and ruin your washing machine.
FAQ for When Your Man Buys a Home Brew Kit
Q: Why am I completely covered in thrush?
A: You took a bath in beer.
What Your Therapist’s Couch Says About Them
Armchair: A regular therapist. Chaise lounge: A regular therapist, who takes naps between clients. High chair: A therapist who specializes in child developmental therapy and clients of all ages who throw their food.