I’m going to be arrested Friday for something I haven’t done. I know I said Tuesday, but I hadn’t thought through all the steps involved. Or Saturday at the latest.
About James Marino
Jim Marino's other jokes can be found on McSweeney's Internet Tendency and Points in Case. His fiction appears in Alaska Quarterly Review, Apex Magazine, Santa Monica Review and elsewhere. His book on Shakespeare is not the least bit funny.
Entries by James Marino
Also, what are you wearing? Which part of “black robe” was too complicated? Did you really walk into our lightless abode of the damned dressed as Hellboy? And don’t even get me started with the slutty witch costumes. Why tempt our dread master Lucifer’s wrath by baring your cleavage at him? I think he’s made it abundantly clear he’s an ass man.
I mean, have you ever tried to get past first base with a Hershey’s Kiss? It’s beyond frustrating. But you try, and try again, and then you go home still horny, with all these little incriminating bits of aluminum foil that your wife asks suspicious questions about.
My enemies list is highly exclusive and that membership has been closed since you were an ill-considered gleam in your whiskey-addled father’s eye.