Bob Ross Teaches the Joy of Painting Your Crippling Anxiety

Let’s get started. Today we are going to put some of nature’s masterpieces right here on the canvas. We’ll use about a dozen magical colors and the same number of imagined heart attacks. 

The Doctor Says I Need More Cheese In My Diet And That You Can Take It Up With Him If You Disagree Or Think I’m Lying Because I’m Not

You think I’m lying? Well, he actually thought you might say that and he told me to tell you that you can take it up with him if that’s the case. He doesn’t like when people don’t trust his prognoses. Takes that kind’ve thing really seriously. So you can take that up with him.

Straight Guys: Love 3-in-1 Shampoo, Conditioner & Body Wash? Meet Your New Must-Haves

5-in-1 Scented Spray: Cologne, Air Freshener, Deodorant, Detergent & Breath Spray. When it comes to strong, masculine scents, here is the truth most people won’t tell you: more is more.

I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation to Beef

My enemies list is highly exclusive and that membership has been closed since you were an ill-considered gleam in your whiskey-addled father’s eye.

Snap, Crackle, Pop, Slurp: An Oral History

SNAP: All was going well. Kellogg’s was happy. CRACKLE: But Slurp was really hitting the milk hard. It started with Skim, but he was on Whole benders soon enough.

The Online Reviews I’m Endlessly Scrolling to Find

Finally: The Most Comfortable Pants In The World That No One Will Say Look Comfortable: I’ve worn these outside the house at least twenty different times and not one person (knock on wood) has said, “I like your pants, they look super comfortable.” Instead, they just say the first part of that sentence and then stop. I am amazed!

The Merchant of Venice Emails His Shipping Container Company To Inquire About His Delayed Sex Goods

These nasty novelties are needed at once for gifts — this Christian can not ruin Christmas for lonely men seeking safe pleasure play during these plague-ed times. NOW, YOU MUST HONOR OUR AGREED PRICE TO DELIVER THE GOODS and stop this coitus supply interruptus. 

Amendments to Your Wedding Guest List From Your Mom

Remove: The Caterers You’ve Hired: Tell them they won’t be needed, or welcome. Your Nonna said she would take care of all the food and that a family meal would be her wedding gift. She’ll unfortunately be stirring the gravy during your ceremony, so you’ll have to get married again at a later date for her to watch. Maybe the second time can be in a church instead of on some bucolic estate?

I’m Michael Myers from Halloween and I Just Want to Talk About Your Car’s Extended Warranty

You can shoot me in the chest, gouge my eyes out, stab me with a knife, impale me with a knitting needle, burn me alive, hit me with a truck, throw me down a mine shaft and blast me with dynamite, electrocute me, trap me in a room full of gas and light a match, throw me off a roof, and behead me with an ax, but nothing will stop me from coming back again and trying to sell you this warranty.

Little-Known Backstories of Misunderstood Halloween Candies

A great treat for kids who are too young to smoke, but still want to look cool. The candy cigarette paved the way for the invention of candy chewing tobacco, and candy nicotine patches. These are hard to find nowadays -  tobacco companies want kids to vape, anyway!

Upcoming Episodes on Season 2 of The Goop Lab

Episode 2:  "Hair's to Ya". Covers armpit hair, leg hair, arm hair, eyebrows, back hair, butt hair, ear hair, nose hair, and vaginal steaming.  Special guest: a man who has dressed as a Wookiee for the entirety of his adult life, so far.  Bonus video illustrates how to perform a scalp transplant using common household items and organic cleaning supplies.

Gregor Samsa Returns to Work

I want you all to know that, despite the fact that I now take the form of a monstrous vermin, I'm still the same old Gregor, who listens to yacht rock at his desk and loves the Mets (even though they’re killing me, haha). The only difference is I now have six legs and a hard exoskeleton covering my entire body. Still, I don't expect any special treatment from anyone.

Variants of Benedict Cumberbatch We Expect to See in The Multiverse of Madness

Megabit Colormatch, Bedouin Stumbled Back, Benadryl McCumber Act, and more!

Trump Live-Tweets the Cats Movie

I can’t stand back and watch Macavity defy the Law of the beautiful city of London. Total lack of leadership from Boris Johnson. If I were in charge over there, Macavity would not be the bafflement of Scotland Yard. Because he’d be IN JAIL!

Additional Clauses to Your NYC Apartment Lease Rider: An Excerpt of a Handwritten Legal Document from My New Landlord

153) Absolutely no noise after 10:00pm, even television, on any given day of the week: I mean it, there are no exceptions to this rule. Although it is only two beats total, my cat is trained to wake me at the opening sound of any Netflix show.

Stop Degrading My Stories with Your Smut: A Plea from a Former Mad Libs Writer

At a recent garage sale, I stumbled upon a used copy of Wackadoodle Mad Libs, one of my proudest literary achievements. Naturally, I was eager to flip through this old classic and personally witness the innocent sparks of imagination that my prose had fostered. What I saw instead was alarming, and more specifically, disgusting. Nearly every word that had been penciled into this children’s book was a reference to private body parts and/or their functional versatility. This is not an appropriate use of my work, and it must not continue.

I'm Your Computer Keyboard And I'm Begging You, Please Stop Eating Over Me

If we can’t fix your messy eating, then we’re going to need to amp up your cleaning habits because as of right now, you’re not doing much for me. Your idea of “cleaning” is turning me over, rapidly shaking me, and wiping whatever debris came out onto the floor and straight into the rug.

Other Marvel What If...?

Loki got therapy and wasn't such a catty bitch. Instead of building the Iron Man suit to fight the same arms dealers his company supplied, Tony Stark uses his vast fortune to pilot a spacecraft to Earth's upper atmosphere. When he lands, he's inexplicably wearing a cowboy hat. And more!

Gollum, Used Car Salesman

They stole the ring from us - but they can never steal our passion for matching qualified buyers with the used vehicles of their dark, prophetic dreams! Show him the 2007 Ford Taurus, Precious! / Yes, look Master! A mid-sized family sedan that gets 25 miles to the gallon!

Rudebook Magazine

Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, 'Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!' And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.

How To Direct Actors

Contrary to what their paychecks would suggest, movies are not just made of stars. Actors in supporting roles are either up-and-coming bit players hoping to become movie stars, or over-the-hill movie stars looking to prolong their last fleeting moments of fame. Regardless of which side of the chute they land on, it is imperative that you remind them at every opportunity that they are not the stars of this film. The director is the star of this film.

New Trump Books Out This Week

"Who Moved My Cheeseburger?" "Profiles in Cursing" and more!

Columbo Gets a Tennis Lesson

Columbo: You know, I gotta thank you for clarifying. I’ve always been confused about how the whole scoring thing works. So does this mean, if I get no points when I’m not serving, my opponent has to call me “love” before they serve?

Eighties Sitcom Props: Where Are They Now?

Fake Cheesecake, The Golden Girls: Fake Cheesecake is still steadily working and was recently spotted in the bakery-themed Hallmark Rom-Com, A Beefcake with a Cheesecake.  

The Aliens On Mars Respond To Jeff Bezos’ Inhabitance There 5 Years From Now

From what I heard about Earth, this kind of colonization of peaceful places is...common? Things have gotten so much worse despite the ominous smile logo of the company that’s now on our new planet flag. 

AirBnB Listing for the Love Shack

Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party! 

The Unspeakable Things I've Done for a Klondike Bar

A tempting talisman. It turns out the first thing I would do for a Klondike bar is to ask my mother, Cheryl, for one. But, the real question, it turns out, is what wouldn’t I do for a Klondike Bar?

These Foods Could Be Killing You!

Hummus: According to experts, 1 in 20 tubs of commercially produced hummus contains a bloodthirsty shark. Hummus companies are not sure why.

Must-Have Summer Beach Reads

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid: I was so hungry and weak that all I can remember are the rich descriptions of all the decadent meals the family ate together. I began to suspect the end was near when turkey vultures spent the morning cawing while they circled my body. Despite this, Reid’s masterful description of BBQ inspired me to use the last of my strength to strangle a baboon with my bare hands. It was delicious. Highly recommend this book.

20 Mugs To Get Your Dad For Father’s Day Because You Don’t Really Know Him

“I LOVE YOU” MUG This feels aggressive. “WE LOVE YOU” MUG You don’t want to speak for your siblings. And more.

CAPTCHAs for Women

Which of these pop stars from your youth were treated unfairly in ways that damaged your own sense of self? Hint: This is a trick, it’s all of them.

E.T. Receives A 39 Year Overdue Phone Bill For Interplanetary Roaming Charges

Since your account balance has been in arrears for over 39 Earth rotations around the sun, we contacted a debt collector. And by debt collector we mean an interplanetary bounty hunter. There was some Boba someone or other who seemed pretty keen on bringing you in, but then a group of Predators were willing to do it for free.

An Honest and Thoughtful Online Review of Timmy’s Sleepover

[EDIT- Timmy’s parents insisted I remove this last sentence, calling it slander, but in the hall I also heard them talking about that “weird little grumpy kid” who was staying over, and “why was Timmy even friends with him?”, so I have little sympathy for arguments citing slander.]

If Everyone Did Their Jobs Like the IRS

Students: Are you going to grade this test? Teacher: Heavens no! But I might in like twelve years. If I find out then that you got any answers wrong, you're going to jail.

Thanks To The Pandemic, Nobody Cares That I’m A Centaur

Look, I can think of a LOT of downsides to this pandemic. This constant, gnawing sense of uncertainty, a vague creeping panic over what tomorrow might bring, the inability to leave your house or live an ordinary life, maybe forever! But there ARE upsides. For me, anyway. Because thanks to the pandemic, nobody cares that I’m a centaur!

I Don’t Wear Makeup For Men, I Wear Makeup For The Ghost of The Confederate Soldier Who Haunts My Apartment

He’s not really one for this world, so we pretty much stay in the apartment. And he’s not totally outdated—recently he discovered Fox News and absolutely loves it.

Fact Check: A Race of Fish-Eating Monsters Does Not Live Above Water

“Many fish get lost if they go too far up,” says Bass. “But that doesn’t mean they’re leaving the water or getting transported to some mystical ‘dry land’ where they’re chopped to pieces and devoured by walking-talking giants. Those stories are pure make-believe.”

I’m Your Web Browser’s Private Mode And We Need To Talk

Why do I have to be reserved for the filth? For the dirty work? For scoping out past significant others or scouring social media accounts for details on future Hinge dates, or looking up the activities of current archrivals to ensure that they’re not more successful than you are? Or looking up things about QAnon? For your deep dives into pornography in the middle of the day while you “work from home”? For your shameful schadenfreude? Why do you save this spelunking for me?

I am Definitely Not Friending You on Facebook Just to Sell You Skincare Products

Hello again! I see you updated your profile picture. I love that you’re going for the natural look and really embracing your wrinkles. I really admire your bravery. I wish I were that brave. Instead, I hide behind this anti-wrinkle serum...

Lose Weight The French Way: 5 Diet Tips REVEALED! 

3. Smoke. Ah, the yoga of the French. Their daily practice of loosening the body, stretching the sense of good breath and firming up their hand to mouth coordination starts young and never stops.

17 Extinct Dog Breeds

Palmeranian (phylangesis floofli) A toy breed known for its ability to hold a basketball and to tell the future the Palmeranian became threatened after the invention of gloves and mittens which led to its inevitable suffocation.

NFTs You Might Want To Buy From Me

These are going fast and you do not want to be left out! Illustrated list by Tiny Beast Comics.

Goodnight, Son: A Bedtime Story For Your Manchild

In the not-so-guest bedroom / There was a full-sized race car bed  / And my 398-month-old son tucked away, watching Beavis and Butthead 

Ramona Quimby, Age 48

“What does she mean ‘don’t be late?’” grumbled Ramona. Just because her older sister is in her fifties, Beezus thinks she’s so special. She’s always bragging about all the hormone replacement she gets to do, as if it’s some big deal or something. “I get hot flashes too,” Ramona groused.

Truly Terrible TV/Movie Pitches

Bachelord Of The Rings: Lord Of The Rings cosplay enthusiasts vie for the romantic attention of a beautiful model, who spends the better portion of the season pushing heavy furniture in order to block her dressing room door.

In Your Freakin’ Face! I Got Raptured!

Well, this was my revenge plan all along, you dingus! I knew if I kept the faith while you bullied me on earth, I’d get to spend an eternity rubbing it in your face while you got tortured by demons! I’ve always focused way more on the wrath part of Christianity than on the forgiveness part.

You Don't Actually Understand Gaslighting

I can understand how you would get confused. “Gaslighting” gets thrown around so much these days that it can feel like it’s lost all meaning. But it is pretty strange that you keep saying you know what it means when everybody else disagrees with you. Literally everyone. I asked all of them.

Glowing Hotel Reviews From Bedbugs

Trump Tower, New York, NY - [5 stars] Trump Tower was a home away from home! The satin sheets had a surprisingly low thread count, but that just meant more holes for me and my family to crawl through and feast on unsuspecting prey. I was pregnant during our stay, and my bed was so comfortable that I actually gave birth to my 500 children right under the covers! Would absolutely come again.

Introducing Giggle, the Search Engine for Determining if You Came up With a Joke or Unwittingly Ripped It off

'When Peter Gabriel left the band Genesis, why didn’t they change their name to Exodus?' Good one! That has potential niche value, bridging the gap between fans of Genesis’s early prog years and people who are at least vaguely familiar with the first few books of the bible (or the Pentateuch, depending on their religion). You may have an original joke on your hands. But for a little peace of mind, let our state of the art machine learning assistant double check that for you. The Giggle search engine has returned just one result:

Lost Dr. Seuss Book: Fox in Socks 2: A Descent Into Madness- Much Worse Then The Others!

If they're struggling with the drugs while they're chugging from a bottle, And they hide drugs up their buttholes just to get across the border, That's a druggy chugging wuggle buggle bottle butthole border struggle.

Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental

We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior may cause you to roll your eyes and deduce that we are backwards idiots, please know we have made similar assumptions about you based upon your Vampire Weekend t-shirts and many cases of flavored seltzer.

Home Depot’s Updated In-Store Bird Policy

Thank you for choosing Home Depot, where doers get more done.…

Is Your Writing Career Fledgling, Emerging or Buried Under Ground Like a Lost Treasure?

If you want some help, take this quiz to find out where your career stands.

Questions That Future Generations Might Have About Video Stores

If the video store wasn’t open, but you wanted to watch something, did you just break in and take what you wanted or did you scream at the top of your lungs until something eventually happened?

Offline Dating and Other Things to Try After the Pandemic

So many new things to soon explore! Illustrated list by Thomas Wykes.

Errands I'm Going to Run While I Wait for My Covid Test Results

On my way back from the gym, I’ll quickly pop into the grocery store, butcher, fish shop, bakery, a nail salon, and a real estate office to see about taking some apartment tours in the next few days. Rent prices are actually pretty good right now for some reason, so I’m going to set up 7-9 tours for the next few days. Want to get them done in case I actually do have Covid, haha (unlikely, I’ve been so careful, especially when I was in Mexico).

People You Really Don’t Want to Hear Say, “I’m Not a Magician”

The plumber, The loan officer, The financial advisor when you plead with her to find a way to replenish your daughter's college fund. And More!

8 Public Venmo Exchanges your Subconcious Didn't Need to Overanalyze Today

$42.00 from your therapist to her friend Krista for “cocktails Thursday night” - only two hours after your evening session. Is your stress so damn taxing on your therapist that she simply has no choice but to drink her annoyance away? Are you what’s pushing her to have to unwind like this? This feels like a slippery slope.

Who Said It: Theodore Roosevelt or Theodore Roosevelt from Night At The Museum? 

“Bodily vigor is good, and vigor of intellect is even better, but far above both is character.” 2. “A great democracy has got to be progressive, or it will soon cease to be neither great nor a democracy.” 3. “I’m made of wax, Larry.”

Sorry! These 5 Beloved Children Show Characters Grew Up To Be Republicans 

Caillou from Caillou: Is this one really a surprise? Caillou is entitled, bratty, and viewed as a negative influence on children. It’s no shock that he grew up to become a Republican. He throws temper tantrums to get his way and is never punished for his actions. Caillou definitely stormed the Capitol.

Human Resource Emails Sent to James Bond

Hi everyone. I didn’t want to single anyone out, but it has come to my attention that some agents have been intimate with clients, and targets, and targets’ widows. This is just a reminder that someone cannot consent if they are afraid for their life. I have attached the code of conduct.

So, Honey, I Might Have Accidentally Drunk-bought Some GameStop Stock

No, no, you’re right, of course. Let me see if I can retrace my steps and figure out exactly how I bought in so I can… un-buy in? Whatever you call it. Unless we want to hold onto it and see how high it goes before it crashes? Ow! Ok, you’re right, but you didn’t have to smack me.

3 Restaurant Concepts Built to Last Through the Winter of Covid-19

1. SNØRDNØRT: Inspired by Norwegian cuisine and culture, this outdoor-only dining destination welcomes the winter. “Of course it’s going to be cold outside. And dark.” SNØRDNØRT also employs a paramedic on-site, to tell you when you have legit developed frostbite and need to leave.

The Cavalry Is Running Late

2:25 p.m.: Had to turn back. Alvin forgot his horse. Don’t feel like you have to wait for us to start the battle! 2:27: p.m.: Is there free parking in the scorched castle? 2:30 p.m.: Can’t find the horse. Checking bottomless pit in town square.

Your Favorite Orders on Timeless, the Time-Travel Food-Delivery Service

Recession Special from the Greenwich Village Gray’s Papaya, 2002: Our courier will bring you two hot dogs and a “banana daiquiri” drink whose taste is scarcely even related to banana. It won't be spoiled; he picked it up from 2002 five minutes ago, then jumped into his time-traveling Chevrolet Impala.

My January Exercise Journal With My New Workout Mirror!

Jan 5th: Did my first workout today. Phew, it’s hard to keep up with the instructor (a super smiley and toned gal named Holly) during all those thigh busting pop squats. She really understands what motivates me, like when she yells, “Every step you take gets me closer to FREEDOM!” She must know I love helping people.

Auntie Anne's Starts an OnlyFans

Tier 1 - Snack Me Off - $10.00/month: This entry-level subscription will give you full access to the photo catalogue of our powdered, glazed, and salt-studded talent. Enjoy the long, seductive curves, and girthy pretzel twists that you’ve grown to miss so deeply. Gaze lustfully at our house-made lemonade dripping wet over a mound of long, steaming pretzel dogs. Uh oh, silly us-- it looks like our sweet-cream glaze is oozing all over again. But don’t get full, because it doesn’t stop there. If you buy-in now, you’ll gain access to our newest, sexiest photo-set “The Pretzel Orgy” (these are just photos of pretzels in a big pile).

Welcome to the Zuckerberg Mansion Audio Tour

You may have noticed you’re being followed. Don’t panic. The fully realized T-800 behind you was originally intended to guard the estate. Instead, Mr. Zuckerberg programmed the killing machine to be his friend, and lose against him in laser-tag. Now he’s just lonely. Sometimes, the two played “Spike Ball.”