Claude Monet 1840 – 1926: Am I glad this loser has been dead a hundred years. They call him a painter! It’s the same goddamn lily pads and bridges everywhere you look. I could paint circles around this lazy French guy without even trying.
Hello to my millions of fans around world! Thank you for attending my humble documentary “Melania,” which is receiving nearly perfect Tomato score! And now, as if my humble documentary “Melania” is not enough for you, I have also hilarious outtake reel! These are not joke on me, of course. No. It is joke on other people! You will see. Let us take a look, okay?
Every day is a free day at any of America’s national parks, when you agree to participate in our exciting Epstein files reverse treasure hunt! Each participant receives a piece of evidence from the Epstein files, plus a little something called a “waiver.” All you need to do is sign the waiver, take your piece of evidence, and hide it like a motherfucker.
When I spot a doily on a piece of furniture I…
a) get the fuck out of the doily room.
b) blow my nose on it.
c) get all the warm grandma feels.
51st State: Trump leads a column of border patrol agents to gently invade Canada, saving it from the very weak and small-penised Mark Carney. Canadians rejoice, and a star is added to the American flag. Four stars, could be longer.
Qubits are much more powerful than traditional computer bits. For example, with Qubits, all of our customers’ accounts will be in a state of Quantum “entanglement.” Which means, in the unlikely event your account is hacked, we’ll all feel just terrible.
What if I am hopelessly uncoordinated? No one is left behind! Just for you we have composed a lovely set of affirmations in a spoken-word CD called, “Sad Truths for Easy Weeping.” Lie awake to such inspiring reflections as, “I wouldn’t put it past them to abolish the FDIC,” and, “What if he never leaves??”