As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me

I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.

BOOK EXCERPT: The Carlyles

Pattie Carlyle wiped a line of sweat from her forehead, brushed her thick, frizzy black hair back over her ears, bent down, and lifted up a large wooden crate from her brownstone’s doorstep. Straining under its weight and the heavy air that presaged a thunderstorm, she reached several times for the front door handle before finally establishing a hold long enough to wedge it open with her foot....Read the full 1st chapter from the new book THE CARYLYES. Out now!

Florida’s ‘Don’t Say Gay’ Bill Protects Our Most Vulnerable — People Who Are Still Homophobic in 2022

Regardless of how you feel about this bill, you have to admit that it does protect a vulnerable group of people. Just like alligators, homophobic people in 2022 are Florida’s largest export to New York through the sewer system. And also like alligators, they only bite if provoked. And unprovoked. And anytime they hear any word that starts with the letters “GA.” 

Welcome to the Manchin-Sinema Diner.  I’m Todd, and I’ll Be Your Stonewaller This Evening

See, the owners, Joe and Kyrsten, have a real vision for this place.  They want it to appear to be a fully functioning restaurant, and bring in as many desperate customers as possible.  At the same time, they’re working with a conglomerate based in Qatar that plans to raze this building to the ground and replace it with a parking lot that’s convenient to absolutely nothing. 

Steps To Deprogramming A Trump Follower

Lure the Trump supporter to a tantalizing mock-up garage sale, featuring items such as confederate flag shot-glasses and beer cozies, back issues of Guns & Ammo, and collectible figurines and snow-globes that feature Jesus punching a hippie in the mouth.

NEWS BRIEFS: Infected

Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking news, Into Little Pieces.

Weekly Humorist's Election Season Forecast Calendar

Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening's debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.

Upcoming Headlines We're Sure To See...

"Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present" "Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol" And more.

In These Fraught Times, We Need A President Who Will Unite The Nation With Honor, Integrity, And The Delicious Flavor Of Quiznos (SPONSORED CONTENT)

Ladies and gentlemen, in these tumultuous times, we understand that the road ahead of us is a long one. But remember... our founding fathers did not sacrifice their lives just for this nation to inherit a future of dry, stale, Jimmy-John's-flavored ineptitude.

My Name is Elizabeth Warren, and I Have a Plan to Destroy All of Them

Amy Klobuchar – Amy is smart, strong, and a real contender, which is why I look forward to our dance-off. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have the wiry energy of a coked-up greyhound and I will END her. 

The Democratic Candidates Ate The Plums That Were In The Icebox 

Warren, “Yes, I ate every single plum. And yes, I knew that you wanted to eat them for lunch. But hey, I’m human, and probably the first woman to eat them. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but what if I told you that I’ve got a plan to replenish them? What if I told you that eating them was a part of my plan all along?” 

Meme Counter-Programming For Democratic Candidates Who Aren’t Mike Bloomberg

Vote Memes in 2020!

What You Need To Know While Watching The Televised Impeachment Hearings

These are the first impeachment proceedings in over two decades, as well as the 238th impeachable offense that has occurred during the Trump presidency.

Whistleblown

Several dozen calls wherein the president, apparently somewhat confused, must be told again and again that ordering prostitutes from GrubHub simply isn't possible.

EXCLUSIVE BOOK EXCERPT: 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts' ~ Buy It Today!

First chapter excerpt of the new political satire novel 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts'. Now available from Humorist Books!

Trump's Mocktail Menu

KFC-Breeze: Several pieces of greasy fried chicken, stuffed clumsily into a cocktail glass or large margarita bowl. Great for occasions where a dripping bucket isn't quite fancy enough for the room.

I’m A Democratic Candidate And Here’s My Medicare-For-America Plan That Isn’t Some Whackadoodle Socialist Fairytale

Medicare for All the Swing Voters in Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin.

Phrases That Could Be in John Hickenlooper's End-of-Campaign Video, Who Knows, No One's Watching It

“And that’s why it’s time for me, John Delaney, to leave the race. Argh, I mean John Hickenlooper! Wow, even I can’t remember me!”

Some Other Pieces of Americana, Revised By The Trump Administration

God Bless America: Written by Irving Berlin, Revised by President Trump “God, bless America, / Land that I love. / Although Baltimore is a real rat-infested hell.”

Blistering Democratic Presidential Debate Clapbacks

"And we'd also like to thank Senator Sanders for being a champ and staying up past eight in order to attend these debates."

Questions For Robert "Bobby" Mueller

Let's speculate that our current political situation were an Agatha Christie novel; would you say that these hearings represent the last few pages of that novel?

This Turd In A Box Is Our Last Best Chance

Remember back in 2016, where we all jokingly named things we would vote for before we ever cast a vote for Donald Trump? A newly-sentient potato, a painted rock, a sack of dirty hair? Well, now’s our chance to put our money where are mouths are, and support this turd in a box with all the passion we can muster.

Little Known Executive Privilege Rights

Free access to members of the Illuminati who are handy with plumbing issues, car battery jumps, etc. Unlimited back-rubs from the vice-president. And more.

Trump’s Top 10 WWE Villains & Heros

Pence of Darkness, Jared Babyface Krusher, Mnuchin Man and more.

Presidential Candidates Running On A Platform of Basically Just Charisma

A Man Who Just Rolled Up His Sleeves 2020, A Stranger in a Leather Jacket We Haven’t Seen Around Town Before 2020 and more.

Muelling Things Over with Bob Mueller

(additional editor's note: all of Mr. Mueller's advice has been edited for content by Attorney General William Barr)

#TopRedactedWords

'Hamberders', 'Pee Pee Tape', 'Who's Tiffany?' and many more #TopRedactedWords in this week's hashtag game!

Beyoncé's Imagined Presidential Platforms

Political Beliefs: To the left, to the left.

Shocking Redacted Bits From The Mueller Report

The words, "No Collusion" had been scrawled with a child-like hand onto each surface of the small restroom, written with what could only be ████████████████ and didn't even wipe them off of the walls before the next day's tour groups could discover the ███████████ and horrific scene.

Available: Cozy, Secure Room in Embassy of Ecuador

We understand your departure from the embassy may be sudden. Nevertheless, if you could please ensure that all lights are turned off and dishes are clean before you're dragged from the premises, we would certainly appreciate it.

I’m Goofy, Lovable Joe Biden, and I Endorse This Attack Ad Against That Other Joe Biden

So just say “No” to Joe Biden who makes you squirm and “Yes” to Joe Biden the closest thing to Obama’s third term. I’m woke 2010s Joe Biden, and I endorse this message against stodgy 1990s Joe Biden.”

Jeanine Pirro Diary Entry on the Night Mueller Report Delivered to the DOJ

I’ve been suspended from Fox News for TWO whole weeks! I feel like I'm missing senior prom.

Things About Beto That Bother Trump (Even More Than The Wild Hand Gestures)

That wife of his sure seems to like him an awful lot. Very suspicious...

My Signed Book Collection

David Copperfield by Charles Dickens: Signed by The Amazing Johnathan at a Magic Convention in Las Vegas in 2005. The line for the real-life David Copperfield was super long, and I was getting hungry.

Paul Manafort’s White-Collar Prison Blues

I’m going to white-collar prison, / And my gout’s worse than it’s ever been./ Why does this have to happen/ To a man with the color of my skin?

Emergency Press Conference: We Need to Stop Menopause Before It Destroys the Planet  

But Earth’s menopause has proved to me it isn’t fake—or it’s a really good fake. One of the best fakes. We need to ask ourselves this important question: why is another woman trying to punish us? What is she trying to get out of doing?

A Stalker Murders Me (A Story Composed from Presidential Campaign Fundraising Emails)

I am frustrated and angry today This is a crisis you cannot ignore running out of time Thomas!

White House Tour Excerpts

Probably the most offensive and glaring of the recent changes is the White House tour. Once a fascinating and enriching educational experience, the tour has become instead the ravings of a homeless madman who seemingly has wandered into the White House by accident

Other Things That Fall Under Trump's Definition Of A National Emergency

Lock on backstage door at Miss Teen USA Pageant, Sean Hannity not making enough direct eye contact through TV, and more.

Transcript: On a Date with an NPR Host

Phil: Tonight’s date will be in four parts: Act I: Pleasantries: Shallow, nonaggressive compliments, observations about the restaurant’s rustic decor; Act II: Dinner and the Exchange of Personal Anecdotes: I’ll tell my story about that time I saw John Travolta at the post office; Act III: Foreplay: Are ears an erogenous zone? We’ll explore each other’s bodies and find out; and, finally, Act IV: Lovemaking: Can two souls still passionately intertwine in our modern age? Stay tuned. Anna: Sorry?

What The Wall Will Actually Be Made Of

Former Trump Staff Members: Why not explore Trump's "human wall" idea further? A pile of former White House staffers would be just as good as your average fence (and no less transparent).

The Stain Of The Union Address: Rebuttal To Trump's Address By The Stain On The Carpet Of The Congressional Floor

Not really sure what I'm comprised of, although I do appreciate your inquisitive nature. Originally I believe that I was just a small dribble from a visual aid presentation used for a debate regarding stem cell research, but now, who knows? A bit of residue from a packet of Arby's Horsey Sauce here, a bit of massage parlor parking lot mud from Mitch McConnell's shoe there, and well, here I am.

Other Bullied Kids Trump Considered Inviting to the State of the Union

But who didn't make the cut this evening? There must be many, many unfortunate souls out there tonight just as deserving? They sit alone watching tonight. We have their names:

More CLASSIFIED White House Leaked Info From John Bolton's Notepad

'Explain salad', 'Trap Pelosi in a cage', 'Wall made of CHEESE?' And more super secrets revealed on Boltons notepad.

Romancing The Stone- Tips For Courting Roger Stone In Prison

Don't forget: You and Roger may have a solid prison romance, and it could very well be a beautiful experience, but he'll always... always... be Donald Trump's bitch.

Marine Corps General John Kelly Helps You Be A New and Better You in 2019

For your best 2019, call John Kelly now at the number below. I can’t make you the best you, but I think I can keep you from being the worst you, just by being around all the time.

Okay, So What Exactly Are In Those Putin Meeting Notes Stolen By Trump?

Putin had to agree to leave wrestling and McDonald’s alone before Trump would agree to dismantling America from within.

I Built This Wall Around My Custom-Made Birdbath Not Because I Hate Other Birds, But Because I Love My Own Damn Birds

How dare you even consider bathing in my stylish birdbath? I don’t care that you’ve flown hundreds of miles to enjoy my birdbath. I don’t care that you’ve endured endless suffering in the pursuit of a relaxing bath. Unguarded birdbaths are pipelines for all sorts of unsavory items like stray grains and low-quality worms.

It’s True That Demons Are Possessing Human Souls, But You Need To Change Your Tone

As a journalist who is doing the most important work in our democracy right now, I am concerned. Look, I get it, people are angry because demons are coming out of their lairs and possessing human souls, and you should be angry, but if you want to really make a change, you have to change your tone first.

The Grinch Can Keep Christmas This Year, I Am Tired

Every year we entertain the Grinch by playing along as he tries to ‘steal’ Christmas, but this year he can keep it–I am tired.

Donnie’s Book Report About the Witch Hunt

Hi. My name is Donnie, and what I am going to do is I am going to do a book report. The book report I am going to do is about the Witch Hunt book we read in class during silent reading time.

Ivanka Trump’s Reflections on Hanukkah and Flipping on Your Entire Family

The First Night Hanukkah. The Festival of Lights. Ever since…

Democrat House Of Representatives To Do List

Hispanic members of House and Senate no longer forced to wear sombreros. And more.

A Summary For My Class On My White House Internship

They tell me that, with how much they promote people, I could probably be running the EPA, HUD, or even state department by next summer.

SO, YOU VOTED. WELL, WHOOP-DE-DOO

When I was a kid, we couldn’t look up candidates on the internet. In fact, we didn’t even know who the candidates were, only that they all had gout. We used to just vote on whoever had least serious case of gout. That’s how Uncle Henry almost became Mayor in ’72. He wasn’t really my uncle. That was just a childhood nickname that stuck. Never did get to be mayor, though. Turned out he had a bad case of shrub pox that came on right before election day.

Jeff Sessions' Updated Resume

-Advanced common-sense policies to protect nation from external and internal threats, such as gender fluidity, impoverished refugees, non-addictive drugs, and the perils of a modern, integrated society. -Consistently rated “Least Fuckable Face” by my boss, the president of the United States.

Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN'T Break

I am so pumped! Yesterday was an amazing victory for me, as I attempted a very simple skateboard trick, flipped into the air a thousand times, crashed face first into the cement, and managed to not break 47% of the bones in my body. I think I speak for everyone -- from the girls at the skatepark who wept in horror at the sight of me to the paramedics who vomited when they saw my mangled body -- when I say HELL YES, this was a complete and total victory for me as a skateboarder and anyone saying otherwise is fake news.

Republicans to Physically Flip When Your State Flips Republican

Your Coworker Make sure to use both hands to physically flip Nancy, a known Trump acolyte, on your way to the break room. Her surprisingly unstable ergonomic chair won’t stand a chance against your leftist rage—much like immigrants seeking asylum won’t stand a chance against her xenophobia.

Weekly Humorist Voting Tips

Once you've voted, please don't then call the voting location every fifteen minutes or so in an attempt to find out the results. The results will be shown later on TV. You remember how much you love your TV, right?

I’m Typhon, Father Of All Monsters, And There’s More To Me Than Being A Reprehensible, Serpent Giant Who Wants To Burn The World To The Ground.

Many of you’ve probably seen my beautiful wife Echidna knocking on doors around town. Don’t be fooled by her half-reptilian body, she’s the warmest woman you'll ever meet. But maybe keep any babies or pets away from her mouth just to be safe.

Why We’re Voting Red: Fairy Tale and Nursery Rhyme Characters Weigh in on the Midterm Elections

Grumpy Dwarf, 1035 yrs, Coal City, WV, Miner Coal is the future!

The White House’s Kavanaugh Celebration Party

Sean Hannity has a VIP table in one corner. Alex Jones is here. His shirt is already off. Roger Stone is seen handing out small red flyers about an orgy he’s hosting the following night.

Dr. Frankenstein Describes That Time He Made Beto O’Rourke

I now begin to collect the materials necessary for my new creation,…

WebMD.gov Entry for Trump Derangement Syndrome in the Year 2030

Overview The first cases of Trump Derangement Syndrome (or TDS)…

Reasons to Complain about Merkel

The immigrants. I mean she just let them in. All those…

John Kelly’s Draft Letters of Resignation

Regardless, I will gladly see to the several outstanding issues under my watch before departing. To start, Sheila in Accounting has advised that there is no "hush money" designation in the system and indicated that one could not be created.

Coffee is for Voters

You think this is abuse? You can't take this -- how can you take another term and a half of Trump? I can go out there in November with the candidates you got, make myself a new Senate Judiciary Committee. Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! Get mad! Get mad!! You know what it takes to vote? You just have to be registered.

President Trump's Pre-Hearing Notes For Brett Kavanaugh

Mentioning beer several dozen times is fine, just don't say anything about Zima, as that could be bad for our image.

LEAKED: The White House Approved Kavanaugh FBI Interview List!

"David Dennison" Donald Trump Jr. “Bart O’Kavanaugh,”Anthony Kennedy and more.

11 Statements More Accurate Than "Boys Will Be Boys”

Girls Will Be Paid Less, Dick Pics Will Be Unsolicited and more.

The Tremendous Space Force Planning Meeting

The next twenty-five minutes consists of President Trump going into great detail about what the Space Force line of toys needs to be. Action figures, shuttles, rockets, even a home base control room. Of course, the showcase of the toys is a super fit Donald Trump action figure in a glittering stars and stripes Mylar jumpsuit. The little guy is surprisingly pulling off those knee-high boots.

I Will Protest Nike by Burning All of My Shoes

And starting this week, I am taking my protest to the streets! This is because my message is gaining ground, and also because my house burned down in a shoe-related fire.

A Day-In-The-Life of Alex Jones’ College Intern

6:45 AM: I hardly slept a wink all night. I start my internship…

Cut Excerpts From Bob Woodward's 'Fear: Trump In The White House'

Bob Woodward's apparent vivisection of the Trump presidency,…

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Marriage - by Anonymous

I married the President but I have vowed to thwart parts of our…

Does Jim Mattis Think You’re Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and 11 Other TV Reality Shows a Post Presidency Trump Could Appear On

Who Wants to Be A Pretend Billionaire? We have a guess. Bob Woodward’s “Fear” Factor Anyone?

Inanimate Objects the GOP Might Nominate for the Mid-Term Congressional Elections

Orange traffic cone, Box set of Ted Nugent CDs and more.

What You Need To Know About Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh

Trump based his endorsement mostly on the fact Kavanaugh's haircut reminds him of Judge Judy's...and more.

This Is Not The America I Recognize From The Back Of All Those State Quarters

This is not the America that we were promised--the America on the back of all those commemorative state quarters from 18 years ago. The ones with all the pictures on them. Illinois is still a ginormous picture of Abe Lincoln wearing an unbuttoned shirt that reveals way too much of his chest. Waaay too much of his chest.

President Trump’s Labor Day BBQ Menu

Buffalo wings prepared with bald eagle rather then chicken Potato…

New Requirements For Voter Registration Under The Trump Administration

Birth Certificate showing proof of birth in the US. If not born in the US, must be hot European model...

The New York Times Visits the Town That Votes for Donald Trump Again Every Day

And every day, the residents of this small town take a regimented break at noon to head to their local polling place and vote for Donald Trump, a man who is already president...

Paul Manafort's To Do List

Set the DVR to record the next 7 to 10 years of The Bachelor, Have all of my teeth removed and replaced with razor-sharp, pointy steel teeth and more.

The Stars of the 2016 Election: Where Are They Now?

If you remember back to what seems like 10 years ago, there were…

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Briefs the Media: “The President clearly meant you need id to buy groceries”

Before we start, I just want to note how disappointed I am in…

Half-Assed Apologies From Historic Leaders For Egregious Crimes Against Humanity

Pharaoh of The Exodus   When I enslaved the Israelites…

‘Mr. Gorbachev add onto this wall’ and 6 other Presidential quotes Trump would have ‘fixed’ if he had been President

George Washington: I can tell a lie.  Cherry tree? What cherry…

An Asylum Seeking Migrant Answers Tricky Office Job Interview Questions

They always try to get you with those trick questions.

More Offensive Jackets Worn By Melania

Many were shocked and appalled by the First Lady’s lack of…

It’s Not the Holocaust Tho

ME: Separating families at the border is criminal. We can’t…

Awkward, Horrible Places That Trump Has Tried To Turn Into Amazing Real Estate Opportunities

During his recent meeting with Kim Jung Un, President Trump marveled…

Overheard At The G7 Summit...

"G7? Aw, man... I could've had a V8!" "Hey, what's with…

TV Newscast from Bizarro World

Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS,…

36 More Questions To Fall in Love With Anyone

“In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “ To Fall in…

Rudy G's "Makin' Life A Breeze"- Rudy Giuliani's Guide To Living Your Best Life!

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff Life can be crazy sometimes. And…

15 Ways To Determine If Your Facebook Post Contains Hate Speech

It uses derogatory language to describe a person, animal, country,…

Affairs of the State: Love Notes To and From Russia With and Without Love

August 10, 2015 Dear Donald, You like strong leaders. I am…

The White House Party Planning Committee Brainstorms For Cinco de Mayo

TED: Okay, listen up hombres. The White House Cinco de Mayo party…

Sean Hannity's Other Secret Advisers

It turns out Michael Cohen isn't the only associate of President…

No, Your Honor, I Did Not Build A Fire Pit to Burn Documents Relevant to My Criminal Investigation

Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I would like to make a statement…

Unexpected Twists During ABC's James Comey Interview

Comey was using the interview mostly as a platform to give away…

Mr. Assad, We Find This One Specific Type Of Murder Unacceptable

Dear Mr. Assad, We, the collected powers of France, the…

Paul Ryan's Reasons For Leaving Congress

Now that Trump has made American so damn great again, there's…

Get Your Tickets Now: Special Promotions For The 2018 Baseball Season

April 16, Phillies @ Braves—Bark at the Park Night, plus a…

Other Trumped Versions Of Headlines That Criticize His Actions

After seeing this POLITICO article: Trump tries his hand at…

Trump's Search For The Perfect Lawyer

After sending out a series of blistering pre-dawn tweets, watching Fox…

Overheard at the White House Easter Egg Roll

Egg roll? I thought we don’t allow Chinese people in the White…

Paul Manafort’s 7 Keys to a More Deliberate Life

Welcome, everyone, and congratulations, because just by being…

Updated Checklist for Future Screening of Potentially Dangerous Presidential Candidates

Party Chairpersons: While assessing your potential candidate,…

New Details Following The Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes Interview...

Members of Trump's organization threatened Stormy following the…

The White House's Nine-Point Plan to Make America's Schools Safe Again

1. Replace PE, music, and art with paramilitary and situational…

Other ALL CAPS Advisor Notes For Trump

In regards to Putin's reelection win,  Trump's advisors had…

Statement From The Press Secretary On The Man Who Terrorized Austin Not Being A Terrorist

Phew. For a second there, we thought the bomber who murdered…

Donald Trump Jr. Resigns

Engulfed in a widening scandal involving a divorce from his wife…

Do Not Push the Red Button

Adviser 1: President Trump, there is a big, red button…

Vladimir Putin's Top Campaign Promises

Vladimir Putin won re-election as Russian President  and immediately…

Department Of Defense Itemized Trump Property Charges

This week CNN reported Defense Department employees charged just…

Rejected Headlines For Rex Tillerson Firing After Someone Thought Of 'REXIT'

Tilt-R-Son?! Rex, Eat Your Salad. Former Gas Salesman Gaslit…

The Real Reasons That Stormy Daniels Is Suing Trump

Trauma incurred by having accidentally glimpsing his scabby,…

Job Application: Russian Troll Farm

Internet Research Agency is searching to discover a supremely…

One Weird Day in the Trump White House

Author’s Note: As your intrepid White House correspondent…

Hope Hicks Updated LinkedIn Profile

Hope Hicks Former White House Communications Director, current…

If Trump Had Run Into The Florida School Shooting

President Donald J. Trump said this week that if he had been…

The GOP's Guide To Fun Ways Of Blowing Off Steam After CPAC

Being a soulless, Conservative windbag isn't as easy or fun as…

The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth, and Other Entries from the Diary of Stephen Miller

January 29, 2018 Talk about a banner day for Stephen…

Other Bits Of Dirt Unearthed By The Mueller Investigation

President Trump is a regular user of Tinkler, the Tinder…

Tricky Dick Tutors Trump on Treachery

Here's to the State of Richard Nixon For underneath his borders…

Daily Itinerary Of Hope Hicks

6 am - 11:18 am:  Busy work until the president arrives at the…

Valentines for America's Most Beloved Sexual Predators

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching and so many winsome men…

Highlights Of Trump's Planned Military Parade

The crowd will be the largest for a military parade. Ever. Anywhere.…

Don Jr. Presents: Wonders of the Animal Kingdom

The Monkey   Our first animal today, children, is the…

Stormy Daniels' Non-Disclosure Agreement

NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT This Non-disclosure Agreement by and…

Best Names For A Trump White House Garage Band

Stable Genius and the Unindicted Co-Conspirators Obama…

President Trump's Favorite Things About The Government Shutdown

You might think that Trump would be a bit concerned and unhappy…

Trump’s First State of the Union

“I don’t really like cheeseburgers. It’s fake news. I’m losing weight and am down to 175 pounds, clearly you can see that.”

Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton “Government Shutdowners Of Today Are Sissies”

Former President Bill Clinton and House Speaker Newt Gingrich…

Bucket List for When You Think You Have 38 Minutes to Live Before a Ballistic Missile Strikes

Try to pull a tablecloth from underneath a set of dishes. Take…

A Revised Nightly Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray Bob Mueller my country to…

Top Selling Christian Rock Albums Since Trump’s Presidential Win

Turn The Orange Cheek Prayer Warriors Small Hands, Big…

Most Interesting Things Overheard During Trump's Physical

"Sorry for the five-hour wait, Mr. President." "That's OK, Doctor.…

Famous Ernest Hemingway Quotes Adjusted for the Age of Trump

"All you have to do is write one fake sentence. Write the fakest…

Trump Explains Why Countries Made His Shithole List

Albania "Voted against my homey Roy Moore." New Zealand  "Not…

More Surprising Revelations From Michael Wolff's Fire And Fury

Cover charge to get into the White House is waived if you arrive…

Trump’s Pay for Play Cabal

“The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is…