What’s a girl gotta do to find a decent man? Trader Joe seems like a serial ghoster, and I am not into BJ’s. I guess I’ll just have to start frequenting Discount Tire now (and buy a car).
Replace a dead wife.
The impetus for your governess services is due to the presence of a dead adult female partner. This is crucial, given that you will certainly develop a romantic relationship with the children’s father. The presence of a living female partner makes it difficult (though not impossible) to consummate such a relationship. There’s also no stopping this course of action because you are irresistible. You will be serving as a mother figure to the younger generation in the household. However, be prepared for statements such as “You’re not my real mom!” because you are not in fact the children’s real mom. She is dead or locked in the attic.
6:35 a.m.
Throw a spare bible in Bible Fire.
6:36 a.m.
Add a few American flags as kindling.
7:15 a.m.
Recite affirmations in front of the mirror: “You are woke. You are woker. You are the wokest.”
2/13/2025 at 2:17 am :Thanks so much for agreeing to water my plants! Wanted to give you the rundown: Just fill up the measuring cup next to the sink with water and share it among the plants. Then, do 400 jumping jacks near my window so the water settles and distributes evenly. That’s it! Thanks again, Chica!
Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: Have you ever made spaghetti alfredo with fresh garlic and tapeworms? Did you cook the garlic first? Did you wait until the bear was dead before extracting the tapeworms? Did you use organic whipping cream and imported parmesan cheese? Did you inject the tub of butter into your vein to ward off smallpox and then have to go back to the supermarket to get another? Do you like touching your own eyeballs? Who are you?
Nudie Mags: This is a shame-free spirit-booster for people with quirks like indulging in their PMS. My favorite videos feature lady librarians with nerd glasses flipping through library books, tearing out the pages one by one, and eating them whole.
A man calls to you on the street, “You should smile more, honey. And you have nice tits.” Should you smile more?
a) Yes, and you should thank him for the compliment.
b) Well, you do have RBF. But your cat just died. Although he did offer up a nice compliment, so…
c) No. But do enjoy the compliment. Your breasts are surely better than nice, and armed with these and other amazing assets, you certainly don’t have to listen to men like this creep to build your confidence.
Female Lead’s Sidekick: You can expect Female Lead’s Sidekick to assert herself once when Female Lead lashes out at her or takes her for granted for the 700th time. But then, Female Lead will bring over Phish Food ice cream (it’s their thing) with two spoons and say, “Sidekick, you know you’re my rock. Can we be forever again? You know I’d literally die for you.”
I’m back from my study abroad in France, everyone.
“OH MY GOD. I literally have six complaints on my desk from Jim in IT, Susan in Marketing, and Louis in accounting. They all called this harassment. We’ve talked to Lindsay maybe 10 times about how she can’t use company devices to email people about her dreams. She doesn’t even work here anymore! She just comes in to talk about her dreams.” —Michelle, HR