Entries by Martti Nelson


Originals

How to Prepare for Horse Girl Season Even Though Those Oversized Beast-Thingies Smell Like Poo

by Martti Nelson
June 16, 2021

First step to becoming a Horse Girl is to get hair extensions if you don’t already have big, wild, glorious hair. It is scientifically known that horses only respect chicks who have tresses as-volumey or poufier-than their own. Otherwise, they will toss you off their backs into a pile of fire ants, and right in front of a hot stable boy named Dante. Which would be your own fault! So get the hair, learn how to blow dry it, and have backup volumizing spray in your saddle bag at all times. The fire ants are even ruder than the horses.

Originals

4 Uses for Your Amazing She Shed That Totally Aren’t Murder

by Martti Nelson
November 29, 2019

THE POTTING SHE SHED
The smell of fresh earth is intoxicating. Not as good as huffing craft glue, but not bad. The earth gives life, and takes death when your enemies shuffle off this mortal coil. With no help from you, of course. Pour all your troubles into a decorative clay pot you adorned with cute birdies, and watch the world melt away. All your troubles. Dirt hides a myriad of sins. Buries them, you might say. The last place they’d think to look is underneath your thriving Pom Pon dahlia bed. Look for what? Ha ha! Nothing but potting soil and a giant set of pruning shears hides in your trusty, padlocked she shed.