How to Prepare for Horse Girl Season Even Though Those Oversized Beast-Thingies Smell Like Poo

It’s almost that time—Horse Girl season! Which precise season is that? Whichever one you need it to be. Maybe the one where the wind whips your mane with the breeze of sweet freedom. The one with shiny two-toned boots and a sun-strewn meadow to pose in. The one that ew WTF just came out of that horse’s behind? Doesn’t that stupid thing know it’s got a person on it??

 

Breathe through your mouth…it’ll be okay. Horse Girl is a state of mind, not a state of nose. The ugly truth is, horses are much cuter when they’re virtual. The whole area they live in smells like the toilets at Dodger Stadium on dollar-beer-and-nachos night. But ours is not to reason why they choose to enjoy filth, ours is but to Insta or die. It’s super possible to get Horse Girl ready even when you’re rightfully scared that the creature will kick your tits in.

---

 

1. Get Your Main Mane Ready…Maybe in Maine, if You’re Near There

 

First step to becoming a Horse Girl is to get hair extensions if you don’t already have big, wild, glorious hair. It is scientifically known that horses only respect chicks who have tresses as-volumey or poufier-than their own. Otherwise, they will toss you off their backs into a pile of fire ants, and right in front of a hot stable boy named Dante. Which would be your own fault! So get the hair, learn how to blow dry it, and have backup volumizing spray in your saddle bag at all times. The fire ants are even ruder than the horses.

 

2. Look the Part as a Genuine Imitation Horse Heroine

 

Assemble the correct outfit—it will involve as many buckles and as much Ralph Lauren as possible. If your Ralph Lauren has a buckle on it, you’re already an honorary member of the horse gaggle. Or…clump? It’s called a clump of horses probably.

 

Tight pants that stretch are ideal, both for tucking into boots, and for running away when the hellstallion inevitably turns on you even though you never even kicked them in whatever a haunch is. Dante will adore your tight pants, as well as your sexy blazer with the elbow patches you sewed on yourself. Remember, the model-legged land-hippos have no idea what “dry clean only” means, so don’t get anywhere near them in your most amazing outfit! Just befriend some dork who does Photoshop to add a horse to your Horse Girl videos later.

 

3. Learn How to Trot. No, Not That Kind of Trot

 

Next, it’s important to learn how to move like a Horse Girl. No, I don’t mean square dancing or anything involving the nightmare known as “gingham.”

 

Horse Girls walk with confident strides. A Horse Girl puts a single foot up on a low fence slat and makes eyes as Dante with a dainty piece of hay or whatever dangling from her flushed lips. Horse Girls glide gracefully up and down atop the horse. And they do it without screaming somehow. Goals!

 

4. Memorize the Different Kinds of Beloved Behemoths

 

Finally, a Horse Girl needs to study all the different kinds of horses so that she can sound really smart. Like the horses who dance, Hoofers; the less murderey Miniature Horses; the golden ones from somewhere (they may be an internet legend); and Unicorns, of course.

 

Warning! Learn what a donkey looks like so you don’t end up as a Donkey Girl. That kind of nickname can really stick, like horse droppings to your brand new Ralph Lauren boots. If you must discuss horses, out loud, make sure to dangle one, single tear from your eyelash and say, “I just love them soooooo much!” If someone further questions your commitment to nearly liking horses, bash them with a riding crop.

 

At the end of the day, you’ll have epic, gorgeous slow-mo videos in which you’ll look exactly like a Horse Girl—plus a date with Dante! After he showers. He spends all day with those nasty things.