I’m Staying At The El Dorado 

I see you nursing that drink, and it feels like fate. How about we blow this juke joint and head on over that way? Don’t get me wrong—this bar has its charm, but it ain’t the El Dorado… Picture this: you, me, a bottle of wine… up on the rooftop, where no one’s been stabbed for weeks. 

We're Sun Chips, And The USDA Said We Can Be Called Vegetables

HI YUP! Honest to god, good ol’ fashioned vegetables. A single rumpled bag of Harvest Cheddar you forgot about find in the bottom of your work bag can now be sold as actual, real chow. And you won’t know the difference! Well, you might by the taste, calories and saturated fat but TRUST US, you are eating a vegetable.

 Items Newly Arrived At The Monkey’s Pawn Shop, Gently Used Occult Items At Friendly Prices

The Blade Of Infinite Darkness needs a replaced charge cord in order to return darkness to infinite status, but is otherwise in good condition. 

Quiz: Marvel Villain or Musk Department of DOGE Staffer Anonymous Social Media Post

Just for the record, I was racist before it was cool. Only the most broken people can be great leaders. We need a eugenic immigration policy. And more!

#BullyABallad

Pesterday, Baby Got Backhanded, Keep On Shoving You, and more #BullyABallad on this week's trending joke game!

”Department of Government Efficiency” Job Application

Which of the following most excites you about DOGE? Rank the below choices from “rockin’” to “bitchin’”: __ Denying food to starving children __ Cutting off HIV drugs from people who will die without them __ Screwing with my elder relatives’ Social Security payments And more!

As Your Platonic BFF, I Think You Should Get Back Out There!

I’m honest because I’m your BFF, your platonic ride-or-die, and I think you deserve someone who really understands you. The kind of guy who has been in love with you since college and has an inside joke with your mom. Hypothetically.

The Valentine’s Day Movie Marathon For Perennial Singles

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Minutes The Last and the Spurious The Princess Cried Legally Blocked, And More!

20 Or So Questions With Cupid

CUPID: Okay , this is where the confusion comes in… The love IS the gift, get it?  What you do with that gift is up to you.  No refunds. WH: It’s true, I’ve never gotten a bad case of chlamydia from a gift in my Christmas stocking.

An Open Letter to the Lady in the Park Offering “Free Tantalizing Foot Massage”

Even if getting my calluses greased up was my thing, I can’t fathom having such a hankering that I’d accept a free massage from a stranger in a cold, muddy, windswept park, surrounded by the far-from-tantalizing sounds of screaming kids.

CARTOON: Checkmate

Divide and Conquer. Today's cartoon by Lia Strasser & Bizzy Coy.

CARTOON: Artificial Annoyance

Wearable Woes. Today's cartoon by Sarah Morrissette.

CARTOON: Congestion Below

Mousepad to Mousepad Traffic. Today's cartoon by Zip Freeman.

Most Romantic Monster Truck Rally Jumbotron Messages

“Ashleigh, I want your militia to meet my militia.”

A History of Reality TV Programs Developed By Mattel, The Makers of UNO

Next month on CBS, the storm has cleared and six of the hunkiest men you’ve ever seen are dropped off onto UNO island where they’ll compete to find last season’s missing hunks. Rescued contestants get dealt in to the finale game of UNO, but only one will leave with the Wild Card Queen (as long as she is also found). 

If Senate Confirmation Hearings Were Like Regular Interviews

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: Have you ever made spaghetti alfredo with fresh garlic and tapeworms? Did you cook the garlic first? Did you wait until the bear was dead before extracting the tapeworms? Did you use organic whipping cream and imported parmesan cheese? Did you inject the tub of butter into your vein to ward off smallpox and then have to go back to the supermarket to get another? Do you like touching your own eyeballs? Who are you?

Options To Replace The “End Racism” Super Bowl Message That Align With The Trump Administration

Let’s Just Say We Ended Racism Resume Racism Choose Whiteness, and more!

#AnimalizeAnActor

Dolphin Lundgren, Christian Whale, Geese Witherspoon, and more #AnimalizeAnActor on this week's trending joke game!

Excerpts from Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, or from My Life as a Remote Worker?

He realized now that he was reduced to nothing more than an animal, although he was still capable of human feelings.

CARTOON: Faux-mingos

Plastic Pink. Today's cartoon by Katherine Bettis.

CARTOON: Ocean Voyeurs

Breach of Privacy. Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

CARTOON: Pucker Plight

Frog's Leap. Today's cartoon by Zip Freeman.

#VirginalVideoGames

Police Chaste, Never Smash Brothers, Call of No Booty, and more #VirginalVideoGames on this week's trending joke game!

Quiz: Snow Plow or Shaved Ice/Snow Cone Biz

Shiver Me Timbers Fast and Flurryous Ice Cubed And more!

Will Your Child be Sent Home From Preschool Today? A (Snot) Color Guide

YELLOW WITH SPOTS: Obviously your child is unable to attend school for the rest of the week, but Sally’s mom has asked us to remind you to drop off 50 dairy-free, nut-free, funfetti-free cupcakes for the winter fundraiser on Thursday between 10:49 AM - 11:07 AM.

RFK Jr.’s Natural Remedies to Replace Antidepressants

Nudie Mags: This is a shame-free spirit-booster for people with quirks like indulging in their PMS. My favorite videos feature lady librarians with nerd glasses flipping through library books, tearing out the pages one by one, and eating them whole.

True Crime Podcasts Recommended By Your Mom’s Friend Janet

A Dark Reckoning: One of the investigators sounds just like your brother Thomas.  The same inflections and everything!  Tell him that I said hi when you see him, is he still seeing that one girl?

How to Shrug Off That You Got Sent to the Gatorade Jug After Trying to Order Water at the Bar 

Getting your steps in: Why else would you be walking to the Gatorade water tank 100 yards away from your table. To get water? Um, no. You didn’t even want water, and those 10,000 steps aren’t going to step themselves. The only thing worse than the shame of being seen self-serving yourself a one oz. cup of water like you’re a 7-year-old at a tee-ball game is dying early from heart disease after leading a sedentary lifestyle. 

CARTOON: Claws for Concern?

Sacrificial Sweetness. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

#AlienAlcohol

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Bar Trek, Johnnie Skywalker, Whiskey on the Spocks, and more #AlienAlcohol on this week's trending joke game!

In Honor of Martin Luther King Jr., We’re Dismantling Federal Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion

We’re not killing Dr. King’s dream, we’re just removing the problem entirely from our line of sight so that it no longer exists. Not seeing color isn’t racism repackaged, it’s true equality.

Yoga-Adjacent Poses to Guide You Through the Second Trump Administration

What if I am hopelessly uncoordinated? No one is left behind! Just for you we have composed a lovely set of affirmations in a spoken-word CD called, "Sad Truths for Easy Weeping." Lie awake to such inspiring reflections as, "I wouldn't put it past them to abolish the FDIC," and, "What if he never leaves??"

The Next 10 Air Bud Movies

Air Bud NASCAR: Need for Breed

MAGAmmendments to the Ten Commandments

2nd Commandment: Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain, which is definitely a big one.  Unless you’re willing to cut me in on the deal and let me get my beak wet, then you can take it in vain to your heart’s content.  Let’s set up a meeting.

The Next Four Years Told Through Youtube Titles

Alien Invasion or Elaborate Hoax? Zane & Maya Discuss While Cooking Chicken Alfredo

CARTOON: Astonishing Equine

Single Spectacle. Today's cartoon by Andy Anderson & Rusty Ruble.

CARTOON: Artful Accusations

Critical Glance. Today's cartoon by Chris Shorten.

CARTOON: Sasquatch Smitten

Big Feet, Bigger... Heart. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

Brand New Sexual Bases For The Age Of OnlyFans

10th Base:  Teaching your crab lice to make their own OnlyFans account to help pay for groceries and other household expenses.

Boeing’s Quality Control Team Meets to Discuss Safety and Bird Attacks

BOB: Take a seat, team. Liz is right. We have to go into damage-control mode and get to the bottom of this crash. But we need to ask the right questions. LIZ: How could this happen? BOB: Wrong question. CARTER: Who’s responsible? BOB: Even more wrong. WILLIAM: Who can we blame? BOB: Bingo.

J.D. Vance’s Inauguration Day Schedule

10:15am: Show up early to inauguration venue and realize he forgot ID. Go back to get it because no one recognizes him.

#RudeRomComs

Runaway Snide, (500) Days of Bummer, Reality Spites, and more #RudeRomComs on this week's trending joke game!

A Letter to My Younger Self of a Few Weeks Ago About Our New Year’s Resolutions

I applaud your plan to “Eat healthier – no more triple bacon burgers with loaded fries and extra thick thickshakes at 2 am.” But it’s not my fault you packaged and labeled all the Christmas leftovers for each day until February. I’ve been eating the ham like you were drinking the eggnog: without reading the use-by date, late at night on the kitchen floor, alone, and belting out Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.”

CARTOON: Buzzkill

Hive Life. Today's cartoon by Bill Thomas.

CARTOON: Escalating Talent

Airborne Artist. Today's cartoon by Nathan Cooper.

CARTOON: Spot the Specs

Finding Focus. Today's cartoon by Kyle Bravo.

#Nightmare90sBands

Beige Against the Machine, Goutkast, Turd Eye Blind, and more #Nightmare90sBands on this week's trending joke game!

Your Mom’s a Whore and Other Claims About Your Family No Longer Fact-Checked by Meta

Yo mama so fat she started a social media platform called XL.

In Space, No One Can Hear You Stream

Bachelor Island: Do you believe that a few decades ago people used to watch The Bachelor??  Jesus Christ.  Anyway, at least it means that we have this much superior show now, where former contestants from The Bachelor are hunted for sport on an island owned by ugly guys who were bullied in high school but are rich and resentful now.

I’ve Taken Temporary Custody of Liam Gallagher To Ensure the Oasis Tour Actually Happens

I wish he would stop calling me a kidnapper. That is a mischaracterization. He voluntarily got into my vehicle. Yes, I told him the record label sent me, but I was driving a dented 2019 Rav 4, and wearing plaid pajama bottoms. Some of this is on him. 

Driving Directions to My Place Way Out in the Sticks

This is grasshopper country, so roll your windows up tight. They’ll drop their eggs right into the passenger compartment of a speeding car and onto your lap. I’ve seen it too many times.

Uber Rebrands to Enhance Customer Fee Experience

Legal Disclaimer: As per the Uber Fees, Inc. terms of service, any person, bot, or animate creature who views this press release is subject to a word absorption fee.

CARTOON: Courtesy Quicksand

Invitation Equation. Today's cartoon by Vaughan Tomlinson.

New Year’s Resolutions From Parallel Earth Alpha Nova 7

Eat more scorpions. And more!

I’m a Popcorn Bowl NOT a Throw-Up Bowl

Hey, Greg. No, you’re not hallucinating; it’s me, your popcorn bowl. I know we don’t normally do this, but I don’t know how much time we have, so I’d appreciate it if you listen to what I have to say. Greg, I am a popcorn bowl. That means I hold popcorn, not throw up.

The New Astrology: You Are A Combination of Two of These Five Pillars

Spongebob Squarepants = Risky / Whimsy  - Lives in a pineapple under the effing sea, positive and lighthearted, isn’t scared of getting stung by jellyfish, probably doesn’t have health insurance or a 401K (Mr. Krabs would never provide employee benefits)

#NewYearIn6words

New York Jets will still suck, New year new me blah blah, Canada Builds Wall, Pays For It, and more #NewYearIn6words in this week's trending joke game!

Top Ten Top Ten Numbers of 2024

Our yearly list you don't want to miss!

#DrunkChristmasMovies

Pour Christmases, The Sangria Clause, Miracle on 34 Proof Street, and more #DrunkChristmasMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Subscribe to “The Gospel According to Matthew” Substack

I know we all get too much spam (my house is still filled with the recent political campaign scrolls from Pontius Pilate). So I’ll post roughly every two weeks — just enough to get us through my planned 28 posts before it’s Jesus’ birthday again and this time for you to ask “But what exactly is frankincense?”

Classic Album Titles Revised by a Guy Who Just Loves Music So Darn Much!

The Clash: London Calling? I Accept the Charges!

Signs That Your Parents Are Trying To Kill You

Rather than the Cub Scouts, your parents have you join the Crips.

Hey Kleenex! I’m a Jewish Man, and I Love Your Christmas-Themed Tissue Boxes

You didn’t ask for my opinion in the pre-marketing discussions, but that’s okay. I’m way too old to stick my runny nose up at a box of tissues simply because the design doesn’t align with my religious views. In fact, I believe the decorative Christmas-themed box of snot rags is about as lit as a menorah on the eighth day of Hanukkah.

#CriminalChristmasMovies

Murder on 34th street, Car Jack Frost, Drone Alone, and more #CriminalChristmasMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Why Virgin Mary Is Opting For a Natural Barn Birth

I make my clothes and wash them in the river not because I only own and can only afford one garment but because it’s the sustainable option. At the end of the day, I’m doing what’s right for me and my little savior of the world.

Roasting On An Open Fire: Andrew “Ice” Sleigh Roasts Santa

Hey, glad to see everyone!  How’s everybody doing tonight?  I see Frosty was able to get out of rehab in order to be here.  Could somebody check, I guarantee you that he’s at least fifty percent frozen alcohol right now.  A walking, talking pina colada - Please Frosty, just let the hat fall off and leave it at that. Jesus.       

As Emerald City Officials, We Assure You the Winged Monkeys are Nothing to Worry About

We are tired of all these conspiracy theories. Remember last year when Gillikin Country was blanketed in a glowing mystery haze and we told you it was nothing? Sure it turned out to be a deadly tornado originating from Kansas, but it was most certainly not Elphaba trying to get hold of those ruby slippers by blowing weed into your lungs. Or that time when the green liquid was found flowing out of Lake Quad? It was just some raw poison poppy contaminating the crops. Not the witch urinating on Oz. 

A Christmas Carol... If It Had Gone Horribly Wrong Within The First Few Minutes

Christmas Eve 1843 was a fairly good day for Scrooge, at least by his twisted standards. He'd only gotten to foreclose on three widows and hadn't kicked a single orphan, but he did get to reject a dinner invitation from his nephew Fred in a particularly brutal way and he made absolute mincemeat out of two charity chumps who foolishly came into the office, scrounging for donations.

Escaping Flavortown with Guy Fieri

You wake up in a pile of giant calamari, and the hot oil stings your skin. The gargantuan halos are looped around your arms and legs, pulling you down. They’re fresh out of the fryer and hot, hot, hot! How did you get here? You don’t know. You remember nothing. You just know you’re burning to death in an oversized appetizer of crispy, crispy rings. It does smell good, though--perhaps a hint of lemon.

CARTOON: Brewed Awakening

Caffeine Curriculum. Today's cartoon by Todd Condron.

CARTOON: Northern Exposure

Frosty Flash. Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

CARTOON: Crash Course

Steer Clear. Today's cartoon by Kyle Bravo.

#CarnalCarols

12 Lays of Christmas, We Threesome Kings, Jingle balls, and more #CarnalCarols on this week's trending joke game!

Christmas Songs For Spinsters

O Horny Night, You're a Mean One, Mr. Hinge, Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town, I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas, and many more!

Lesser Known Facts About House Speaker Mike Johnson

Truly believes that God sent Donald Trump to lead America, and yet still chooses to be a Christian anyway.

It’s Time to Get Hard

I needed to find one of these wise gurus who is a leader in anti-softness like Bill Maher so I could tell him in person (the best way) about what I learned on this journey (so much). But when I broke into his studio, he just called for security, which kind of surprised me. I thought from his complaining about the woke youth that he wanted to collaborate mano a (wo)mano with hardos like me.

House Resolution: Renaming Donald Trump’s “Transition” Team to Reflect That He Is Biologically President

A “Biological President” is naturally “male,” meaning an individual who has, had, or would have, but for a historical polo accident, the reproductive system that at some point produces, transports, and ejects sperm for exclusively male purposes, such as fertilization or so-called “sexual assault,” which is defined as the legal and victim-less playboy antics of a rogue, rake, or rapscallion.

How the Grinch Robbed Nakotomi Plaza

Every Who down in Who-ville liked Christmas a lot. But the Grinch, who used to work for Nakotomi Corporation, DID NOT!

CARTOON: Mummories

Wrap it up. Today's cartoon by Alan Rozanski.

CARTOON: Wrong Number

Lamp Scamp. Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

#DisgustingDecorations

Mistletoe Jam, 2 Turd Doves, Randy Canes, and more #DisgustingDecorations on this week's trending joke game!

I’ve Decided to Replace the Guinea Pig With a Larger, Slightly More Calculated Guinea Pig

I didn’t want this to happen. When I went to Petco and looked for the best guinea pig to defend all the other guinea pigs, I felt confident that I was walking away with the right one. But recently, some disturbing accusations have come to light. In the wake of these alleged scandals, I may be forced to do the unthinkable: Replace this guinea pig with a slightly larger, more calculated guinea pig. From a different Petco, of course. 

New Holiday Travel Road Games

Mad Libtards: While stopping for dinner at a Cracker Barrel in the middle of nowhere (there was literally no other place within 50 miles, sue me), how many times and in different ways do the locals use the word “libtard” to describe basic acts of human decency?   Too many to count, get the fuck out of there!!

Rejected Sequels To “The Nightmare Before Christmas”

The Cupid’s Arrow on Cinco De Mayo, The Fasting Before Arbor Day, The Egg Hunt On My Birthday, and more!

Letters From The Frontlines Of The War On Christmas

Sweetheart, Went to a Target tonight. I was horrified to learn the nutcrackers have turned gay. Why must these Secularists sexualize everything? Put your nuts in its mouth like the rest of us and enjoy the birth of our Lord. Merry Christmas, Jim

The Unspoken Grief of Having to Listen to Your Mother-in-Law Complain About Not Being a Grandparent

But what about my unspoken grief of having to listen to my mother-in-law complain about not being a grandparent? I don’t hear the New York Times knocking on my barren front door for a quote. 

CARTOON: Sinking Change of Heart

Quicksand Quandary. Today's cartoon by Steve Daugherty.

Plaque Friday: A Comprehensive Guide To The Best Holiday Dental Bargains In Your Area

Priddy And Sons Dental: 2 crowns for the price of one, bonus X-ray rewards program benefits, only cursory groping and less than half a dozen unlawful photos taken by dentist and assistants.

Are You at a Turkey Trot 5K or Getting High On a Cousin Walk Before Thanksgiving Dinner?

You’re starting to struggle to breathe and realize you might have overdone it.

#HornyHolidaySides

Twerkey, Viagravy, Randied Yams, and more #HornyHolidaySides on this week's trending joke game!

CARTOON: Turkey Talk

Get stuffed. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

If You Were Raised by Gen X Parents, You May Be Entitled to Compensation

Naturally, as Gen Z you feel entitled to everything regardless.  But this settlement is directed at individuals who experienced one or more of the following: Inability to hear other points of view without freaking out. Your job title is “social media influencer”. You can’t read an entire shopping list without getting distracted. And more!

Seven Possible Out-of-Office Notifications for American Democracy

Alternate Contact: Hello, and thanks for your message. I’m away from the office until January 20th, 2029 with no email access. Your message is very important to me, even though most of you have no clue what I’ve done for the last 250 years. For general inquiries, please contact The Constitution in my absence. Thanks, Democracy

Hellmark Holiday Movie Channel

A Nightmare On 34th St: Fearing that he will flicker out of existence soon, Freddy enlists the aid of the little girl and the lawyer who proved that Santa was real in Miracle On 34th St.   Includes the notorious scene where Freddy invades Santa’s dreamscape and forces him to watch his mother playing with herself.

Matt Gaetz Drops AG Bid Amid Suss Speculations

Realized "senior staff" wasn't referring to high school seniors. And more!

#PissedOffPastries

Chocolate Frownies, Cross-ants, Grumpkin Pie, and more #PissedOffPastries on this week's trending joke game!

Education SmackDown: Linda McMahon Nominated for Education Secretary

All parent-teacher conferences will now take place inside a steel cage. School cafeterias will serve nothing but raw meat and protein shakes. And more!

I’m the Silica Gel Packet in Your Beef Jerky Bag and Actually, Please Eat Me

Ah, I get it. Your gut is too good for me, deserving only the finest dried cow scrotum to complement a thriving colony of microplastics. Sorry that I can’t be caviar, crème brûlée, or the massive cheese block you fiendishly inhaled in bed at 3 AM. I guess there are humans unafraid to expand the frontier of edible exploration and those who suck down Skittles à la Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Completely Reasonable Stipulations For the Cheapest Flight You’ve Ever Booked

Any trips to the restroom will be an additional $20 ($35 if pooping or vomiting) Crying babies are an additional $1 per minute of crying, and more!

Actual Bowling League Team Name or 2025 Grammy Nominee

Hit Me Hard and Soft Quick Release Madison Beer And more!

This Week’s Most Popular Graffiti Seen On A Restroom Wall At TJ Maxx

Could this stall be the setting of our meet cute? And more!

As a Lesbian, I’m So Relieved a Straight Woman Just Slid Into My DM’s to Let Me Know That Trump Is Actually the Biggest Champion of LGBTQ Rights

But then, a beacon of light emerged from the darkness, in the form of my friends’ mom sliding into my Instagram DM’s with a weird, out-of-context reel where a few self-described gay people I’ve literally never seen or heard of before informed me that I shouldn’t be concerned at all. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I should be relieved and grateful that Trump won, because he is the biggest champion of LGBTQ rights. 

#MeanMedicines

Pepto Buzzkill, Jerktec, Acetameanophen, and more #MeanMedicines on this week's trending joke game!

Miami’s Startling New Demographic Trends Explained

#4: TWERKERS: Once a niche demographic group, this festive part of the population has undergone an awe-inspiring expansion. Twerkers are found mainly over in South Beach where they can be seen slamming their generously developed hindquarters onto the hoods of muscle cars cruising up and down Ocean Drive. They are the number-one cause of the rising costs of car insurance in Miami-Dade County.

 I’m Building A Wall Around My Heart, And This Wall Will Have A Glory Hole

Okay, first of all, I’m not being reactionary here; this is not an excuse to be dramatic and throw a hissy fit.   But the current situation in my love life has become untenable, and I have therefore been forced into a corner where my only option is to build a towering, securely built wall around my heart.   And this wall will contain a glory hole.

Post-Election Emergency Memo From Your Corporation's Head of User Experience

In light of recent events, I’ve been told by the upper echelons of our corporation to remind everyone that we should keep our political opinions to ourselves. They have assured me, and tasked me with assuring you, that corporate work exists in a beautiful, untouchable bubble floating above the needs and wellbeing of U.S. citizens—transitory, illusory, and ultimately unperturbed by the goings-on of the people the corporation aims to turn into customers. 

So You’ve Decided to Live Out Your Days in a Remote Monastery: What Next?

ST. GEORGE MONASTERY (MONTENEGRO) Now this is what I'm talking about! Back in the day, St. George had the good sense to build his monastery on a picturesque little island off the coast of Montenegro in the Adriatic Sea. Looks like a good place to bring a catamaran. Now, supposedly, this place is not open to the public. But you're no mere tourist! You're joining up, remember? So slip on  your wetsuit, grab your longboard, and hang ten toward some inner peace, dude. Some Debbie Downers out there will tell you that this place is called the "Island of the Dead," but that's just because there's a cemetery there, not because of any zombie outbreaks. That we know of.

#NewAmericaSlogans

Scars & Stripes Forever, All we have to fear is ourselves, One Nation Under Fraud, and more #NewAmericaSlogans on this week's trending joke game!

Incelebrity Apprentice and 11 Other Shows Trump Now Has To Turn Down Hosting

Dancing with the Tsars, and more!

'Twas the Night of the Election (or "A Visit from St. Kornacki")

‘Twas the night of the election, and all over cable news, / Not a network was covering anything but red states and blues. / The pundits were booked on the panel shows with care, / As one spoke, ten others all nodded and stared.

How To Support Queer Folk During Election Season With Very Little Effort

Put a tiny rainbow flag in your pencil cup. And more.

Central Park Defends Its Dry Spell

I haven't really felt in the mood these days. It's embarrassing, but to be perfectly honest, with the election coming up and everything, I've been so stressed out it's affecting my....performance. I haven't been able to muster up significant cloud coverage, never mind generate any actual precipitation. It's been so long I'm pretty sure the next time I encounter a shift in wind speed, what should be a little drizzle is instead going to result in a brief but intense downpour. It's not you, it's me and too much built up atmospheric pressure.

How to Tell Whether Someone is a Spooky Costume Person, a Silly Costume Person, or a Sexy Costume Person

If someone knows their high score in The Addams Family pinball game, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: A very suggestive Cousin Itt) If someone has a Snoopy tattoo, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Gumby) And more!

Little-Known Backstories of Misunderstood Halloween Candies

A great treat for kids who are too young to smoke, but still want to look cool. The candy cigarette paved the way for the invention of candy chewing tobacco, and candy nicotine patches. These are hard to find nowadays -  tobacco companies want kids to vape, anyway!

#CrudeCostumes

Buzzed Lightyear, Buffy the Vampire Layer, Puke Skywalker, and more #CrudeCostumes on this week's trending hashtag game!

What Your Favorite MLB Mascot Says About You

Dandy of the New York Yankees – You should just admit to having hair plugs (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

I Have Been Silenced by The Media and I'm Not Going To Shut Up About It

After forty-four years of speaking my mind, the woke mob has finally come for me. Now that my YouTube channel has been demonetized, I’ve been completely muzzled, left only with my few million podcast subscribers, two New York Times bestsellers, and this Substack newsletter. My crime? Saying what the mainstream media doesn’t want you to hear. 

An Urgent Email from Tony Hinchcliffe's Travel Agent

Unfortunately, I've been unable to book you at another hotel in San Juan or all of Puerto Rico for that matter. Not even a Motel 6. Although you do have an offer from a Waste Management union in Puerto Rico who said they'd be "happy to offer you a smelly mattress in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean" with an offer to take you there by boat.

#ScarySnacks

Drownies, Lice Krispies, Dead Vines, and more #ScarySnacks on this week's trending joke game!

Uniquely Tasteless Halloween Costumes That’ll Get Your Ass Canceled in 2024

Elon Musk Distributing Free Keys to Recalled Tesla Cybertrucks: I’ve never understood why motorists loathe the Cybertruck. Between its angular shape, brutalist design, and various recalls (faulty accelerator pedal, faulty windshield wiper motors, and faulty trunk bed trim), it’s arguably the ideal vehicle for any given scenario. But if it’s so perfect, why does society continually reject it?

Lesser Known Tidbits About Art The Clown

 Art shows up to murder aimlessly for only several days typically, spending the remainder of his time selling handmade cheese graters on Etsy.

Give the Neighborhood Kids a Good Scare With This Genuine Rotting Corpse

Returns: Unfortunately, due to the perishable nature of the body, returns cannot be accepted. Washing instructions: Do not wash — washing will degrade the quality of your carcass and ruin your washing machine.

I’m Just Waiting to Get Something Unlocked at CVS

I apologize to all the shoppers who were enjoying Chris Martin’s masterpiece ‘Viva La Vida’ until a robotic voice ruined the flow with, “Customer service needed in the skin care department.” But I need this body wash—and, honestly, fungal cream, as well. Once they unlock the body wash, I’m also going to ask them to unlock that case for me. I’d rather not hit that button and alert the entire store to my toe thing.

Music Moments from the Year 2044

June 15: Flannel-Clad Alien Spills Pabst on Voyager Space Probe’s Golden Record: Just a week before moving out of range of human contact, Voyager 1 is found by aliens not so different from ourselves, as one in flannel spills a can of Pabst on the Golden Record. The priceless item is salvaged, thankfully, due to planet Xorbia’s few remaining record players being equipped with a rewind button for time itself. Still, gas cloud elders banish Gary to the eye of Jupiter’s storm for one year.

CARTOON: Sign Wars

Yard of Discord. Today's cartoon by Jason Bentsman

When You Forget That Person’s Name 

Take them to a mirror to show them the new self-love affirmations you learned on the Calm app. You go: “I am [Your name] and I am enough.” Now their turn! What a sucker! (For revealing their name, not for doing the affirmations. That shit works.)

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You, It’s The Purge: Voter Rolls

Universal Studios and Blumhouse Productions are excited to release a new Purge film just in time for spooky season (and Election Day!). Billed as the most frightening Purge cinematic experience yet because of how closely it follows real life, The Purge: Voter Rolls is sure to terrify viewers even more than its predecessors.

#HornyHorrorMovies

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide the Sausage, I Know Who You Did Last Summer, Doing IT , and more #HornyHorrorMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Counting Down the Days Until the Election with My Donald Trump Advent Calendar

Concepts of plans. An 8x10 of Kim Jong-un signed by his secretary. $5 gift card to the Trump Store in Gatlinburg, TN. And more!

Other Things We Should be Controlling Instead of the Weather

Ghosts: I think we’re all tired hearing about ghosts and spooks and poltergeists running around haunting people and places.  There’s something the Deep State needs to take care of.

SUPPORTER UPDATES

JUST ABOUT TO GO ONTO THE STAGE and face my opponent at tonight’s debate. And folks, I have never been more scared. Not of my opponent. Nor of the awe-inspiring responsibility of representing this proud district. But of spiders. Specifically, brown recluses. Yes, I know, very little venom, but they just freak me out okay? #VoteErnestRyan

James Joyce Dubliners' Short Story or Woodstock Performer

Country Joe McDonald Ivy Day in the Committee Room The Dead and more!

The Startling Decline of a Beloved Children’s Series

The Berenstain Bears' Say Their Prayers The Berenstain Bears' Want You to Say Your Prayers The Berenstain Bears' Reject the Devil’s Music The Berenstain Bears' Switch to Homeschooling And more!

Getting Smashed At Your Monster Mash

Crack O’ Lantern:   You’ve heard about using an apple as a bong, but how about using a hollow pumpkin for smoking some crack?   Just don’t do it on your front porch, maybe.

#SpookySpyMovies

Boo Lies, Mission Impossible: Scary Ghost Protocol, The Haunt for Red October, and more #SpookySpyMovies on this week's trending joke game!

Spooky Season: Three Hidden Pitfalls of Halloween

Decorative Inflatable Witches Can Be Embarrassing From Certain Angles, and We Need to Acknowledge That.

Twelve Other and Maybe Better Ways We Could Be Choosing Members of Congress.

Game show: Candidates play ”The Price Is Right” for federal budget items. Pro: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks. Con: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks.

Potential Reasons Why People Leave Donald Trump’s Rallies Early: In Order from Most Likely  to Least Likely

Scientifically speaking, a side effect of seeing too many red ‘MAGA,’ hats can lead to nausea and restless asshole syndrome.

#MoodyMovieMonsters

Pout Dracula, Nosferatude, Frownkenstein, and more #MoodyMovieMonsters on this week's trending joke game!

How My Trip Abroad Went, Translated

I couldn't believe how fast the trip went = It was the longest two weeks of my life.

Ways To Make The Vice Presidential Debate More Entertaining…

Each nominee answers questions from a dunk tank seat. And more!

READ THE EMPEROR PALPATINE INDICTMENT

This indictment is about something far more important: financial impropriety.

P. Diddy’s Tips for Throwing a Successful Freak Off

There should be plenty of snacks available. Unsliced cucumbers have proven very popular at my events.

I Can’t Afford to Pay Employees a Living Wage and Still Take Home $9,000,000 a Year Making Egg Salad Sandwiches

Teaching the servers to scoop just the right amount, dropping it in just the right spot on the lettuce, which, in turn, is centered in just the right spot on the toast – all this is difficult, which is why people come to Nothing But Egg Salad, the nation’s number one spot for egg salad sandwiches.