Christmas Eve 1843 was a fairly good day for Scrooge, at least by his twisted standards. He'd only gotten to foreclose on three widows and hadn't kicked a single orphan, but he did get to reject a dinner invitation from his nephew Fred in a particularly brutal way and he made absolute mincemeat out of two charity chumps who foolishly came into the office, scrounging for donations.

Frosty Flash. Today's cartoon by Rich Sparks.

O Horny Night, You're a Mean One, Mr. Hinge, Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town, I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas, and many more!

A “Biological President” is naturally “male,” meaning an individual who has, had, or would have, but for a historical polo accident, the reproductive system that at some point produces, transports, and ejects sperm for exclusively male purposes, such as fertilization or so-called “sexual assault,” which is defined as the legal and victim-less playboy antics of a rogue, rake, or rapscallion.

Lamp Scamp. Today's cartoon by Thomas Wykes.

Mad Libtards: While stopping for dinner at a Cracker Barrel in the middle of nowhere (there was literally no other place within 50 miles, sue me), how many times and in different ways do the locals use the word “libtard” to describe basic acts of human decency?   Too many to count, get the fuck out of there!!

But what about my unspoken grief of having to listen to my mother-in-law complain about not being a grandparent? I don’t hear the New York Times knocking on my barren front door for a quote. 

You’re starting to struggle to breathe and realize you might have overdone it.

Naturally, as Gen Z you feel entitled to everything regardless.  But this settlement is directed at individuals who experienced one or more of the following: Inability to hear other points of view without freaking out. Your job title is “social media influencer”. You can’t read an entire shopping list without getting distracted. And more!

Realized "senior staff" wasn't referring to high school seniors. And more!

Ah, I get it. Your gut is too good for me, deserving only the finest dried cow scrotum to complement a thriving colony of microplastics. Sorry that I can’t be caviar, crème brûlée, or the massive cheese block you fiendishly inhaled in bed at 3 AM. I guess there are humans unafraid to expand the frontier of edible exploration and those who suck down Skittles à la Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Could this stall be the setting of our meet cute? And more!

#4: TWERKERS: Once a niche demographic group, this festive part of the population has undergone an awe-inspiring expansion. Twerkers are found mainly over in South Beach where they can be seen slamming their generously developed hindquarters onto the hoods of muscle cars cruising up and down Ocean Drive. They are the number-one cause of the rising costs of car insurance in Miami-Dade County.

ST. GEORGE MONASTERY (MONTENEGRO) Now this is what I'm talking about! Back in the day, St. George had the good sense to build his monastery on a picturesque little island off the coast of Montenegro in the Adriatic Sea. Looks like a good place to bring a catamaran. Now, supposedly, this place is not open to the public. But you're no mere tourist! You're joining up, remember? So slip on  your wetsuit, grab your longboard, and hang ten toward some inner peace, dude. Some Debbie Downers out there will tell you that this place is called the "Island of the Dead," but that's just because there's a cemetery there, not because of any zombie outbreaks. That we know of.

‘Twas the night of the election, and all over cable news, / Not a network was covering anything but red states and blues. / The pundits were booked on the panel shows with care, / As one spoke, ten others all nodded and stared.

If someone knows their high score in The Addams Family pinball game, they are a sexy costume person. (This year: A very suggestive Cousin Itt) If someone has a Snoopy tattoo, they are a silly costume person. (This year: Gumby) And more!

Dandy of the New York Yankees – You should just admit to having hair plugs (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

Drownies, Lice Krispies, Dead Vines, and more #ScarySnacks on this week's trending joke game!

Returns: Unfortunately, due to the perishable nature of the body, returns cannot be accepted. Washing instructions: Do not wash — washing will degrade the quality of your carcass and ruin your washing machine.

Yard of Discord. Today's cartoon by Jason Bentsman

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide the Sausage, I Know Who You Did Last Summer, Doing IT , and more #HornyHorrorMovies on this week's trending joke game!

JUST ABOUT TO GO ONTO THE STAGE and face my opponent at tonight’s debate. And folks, I have never been more scared. Not of my opponent. Nor of the awe-inspiring responsibility of representing this proud district. But of spiders. Specifically, brown recluses. Yes, I know, very little venom, but they just freak me out okay? #VoteErnestRyan

Crack O’ Lantern:   You’ve heard about using an apple as a bong, but how about using a hollow pumpkin for smoking some crack?   Just don’t do it on your front porch, maybe.

Game show: Candidates play ”The Price Is Right” for federal budget items. Pro: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks. Con: Congressional appropriation process would be run by know-it-all policy wonks.

I couldn't believe how fast the trip went = It was the longest two weeks of my life.

There should be plenty of snacks available. Unsliced cucumbers have proven very popular at my events.

Dear Diary, the cute guy (Mark) that has been texting me about unit 1F seems really interested. He might even stop by tonight! I know it seems quick, but I have a good feeling.

Thursday 3:33 pm: I keep seeing people post night footage of strangers checking to see if car doors are open.  Why doesn’t anyone try the doors on my ’95 Chevrolet Cavalier?  I’ve even left the keys in it.

Let’s go over it now while I hover on the wall of your cubicle like a carrion bird with eyes trained on its next meal. Sound good? No? Super!

Whether you are looking to audition for a lead role in The Corpse Bride, play a more convincing ogre at your next Halloween gathering, or simply incur years of pinched nerves and excruciating headaches, we guarantee that you are going to deepen your understanding of this skill and its practical applications.

Without your approval to be clear, my lack of clarity would require immediate clarification—something I would clearly be unable to provide. You see? The whole thing would be unclear. Is that clear?

I Scream of Jeannie, Buried with Children, Happy Slays, and more #PsychoSitcoms on this week's trending joke game!

A man calls to you on the street, “You should smile more, honey. And you have nice tits.” Should you smile more? a) Yes, and you should thank him for the compliment. b) Well, you do have RBF. But your cat just died. Although he did offer up a nice compliment, so… c) No. But do enjoy the compliment. Your breasts are surely better than nice, and armed with these and other amazing assets, you certainly don’t have to listen to men like this creep to build your confidence.

Social Climbing, Coattail Riding, Polo (Wearing) and more!

Batman #758 Commissioner Gordon uses the Bat-Signal to ask Batman if he can borrow the cowl and cape for his weekly sex night with Mrs. Gordon.

While You Were Beeping, You've Bot Mail, When Harry Met WALL-E, and more #RobotARomCom on this week's trending joke game!

It started with my blue cardigan sweater from JCPenney. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw Wolverine and Deadpool yanking it out of my closet. They must’ve broken in. I pretended to be asleep. I mean, have you seen Wolverine’s claws? And Deadpool’s double katanas? Those spandex-clad psychos could’ve skewered me. Anyways, they ran off with my cardigan.

There were no customers this morning. So, after dusting off the cardboard display promoting Judge Dredd, I started typing up this case on the typewriter up front, keeping one eye on the door and the register. It’s noon as I type this, and you still haven’t shown up. Think about that. There are two of us. Who is the best employee this month?

SCILSOF:  Second Cousin I’d Like to See on OnlyFans LDFFWILGPMETS: Long-Distance Friend of the Family to Whom I’d Like to Give a Platonic Massage that Eventually Turns Sexual And more!

Do you ever catch yourself thinking: “Our planet will be unlivable if it heats up another 3 degrees.  I better throw some clam chowder on a Van Gogh before it’s too late!”  If that’s you, you’re exactly the kind of maverick, out-of-the-box thinker we need. 

I knew the whole “turn Black” thing was a winner. And demanding that someone “look into” Kamala’s ethnicity? That’s some 2015-era birtherism right there. Tried and true. And viola. We’re back in business, baby.

Brat girl summer? What a pitiful display of mediocrity, inspired by an album that can only manage a third-place debut. Embracing imperfections and chaos is the creed of the weak, not the mighty. Doom does not settle for low-res Arial fonts and lime green backgrounds either. This trend is as fleeting and insignificant as the summer breeze.

Nikki Hurley, Ba-yack Obama, Upchuck Schumer , and more #PukeAPolitician on this week's trending hashtag game!

Don’t bother entering any costume contests. They’re all rigged anyway. Never cut in line. Your fellow nerds will pouch on you like a limited-edition comic book! Please use deodorant!

I can’t die yet. I need more time. Must…click…keep…watching. My regrets if I go??? Not watching Peaky Blinders. Not watching Outlander. Not watching Snowpiercer.

Parqueasy, Spew-no, Splattergories, and more #BarfyBoardgames on this week's trending joke game!

Micawber Medvedev Rybakini and more!

Best in Snow, Reality Frostbites, Cold School, and more #ColdComedyMovies on this week's trending joke game!