You Describe Yourself as an Investor, But Only Own Toys: You call it “investing”. Your friends call it “a cry for help”. Your Funko portfolio is diversified across fandoms, from Marvel to The Golden Girls, but your Roth IRA has $17 and a coupon for Arby’s.

Operation Overseas, Yuk-zee, Connect One , and more #BargainBoardgames on this week's trending joke game!

Who Wants to Afford Eggs? New game show where the top prizes are eggs.  Not necessarily chicken eggs, but still, eggs.

Sanford & Sonic, Burger King Of Queens, Long John Silver Spoons, and more #SitcomARestaurant on this week's trending joke game!

As I lay on the cold, unforgiving surface of a surgeon’s dish, I reminisce on my life. Twenty two years. Twenty two YEARS I gave to that ungrateful hussy. I gave her smell, I gave her beauty, I gave her three sinus infections a year- give give give! That’s all I ever did for her. I gave. And what does she give me in gratitude to my services? She gives me the KNIFE! Cuts me off, like some toe wart.

TRUMP Death Destruction TRUMP

Attila The Hun: Made sure to check with his men for possible nut allergies before whipping up a fresh batch of brownies.  When it came to a properly maintained torture space, his rule of thumb was “incense and mints!”.

Katy floated in space for 11 minutes, while back on earth, Taylor Swift wrote a new concept album in 10.

Cody rocks up in a giant pink bunny costume. Bailey is in the backyard spinning in circles, singing “Baby Shark,” and trying to pat her head and rub her tummy. Luna gets the munchies and asks if there’s anything to eat. And more!

New Greenland, Rump Colorado, X-ico (Elon’s suggestion) and more!

Cape Beer, The Malted Falcon, Rear Window Washer, and more #MoistMysteryMovies on this weeks trending joke game!

Just kidding, Not Kidding! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

The golf started me thinking about what my Fundlbot body should look like. Based on other tech oligarchs, I want to be built like Superman but with shiny cheeks and poor taste in clothes. As for hair, I am torn between curly, straight, or Lex Luthor, but it should definitely look like we spent no money on it.

 Oops, Wrong Button: When you accidentally target a hospital instead of a military base.

Spring cleaning is an ancient tradition, dating back to when cave dwellers first realized that last season’s mammoth bones were starting to attract wolves. Today, the ritual persists, but with more existential dread and fewer saber-toothed tigers.

Jacqueline Onassis wasn’t genuinely too upset about being splashed with the blood and brain matter of her husband, but was “significantly perturbed” by ample amounts of same finding their way into her blueberry yogurt.

Gin and Toxic, Gloomshine, Depresso Martini, and more #GiveBoozeTheBlues on this week's trending joke game!

1969: Six kids in the Brady Bunch Now: 52 kids in the Brady Bunch

Avenue Qanon, Scamilton, The Lyin’ King, and more!

It is sold with a pack of hockey cards and a heartfelt apology for any inconvenience.

I know what you’re thinking: Isn’t it a bit much to ask someone to tip you enough to purchase a local coffeehouse in exchange for a 3-minute read? How much does a coffee shop cost, anyway? It’s got to be a lot, right? Are we talking independent or franchise? Do you even know the first thing about running such an establishment?

Why am I, a private citizen, recommending federal personnel actions on social media?  How am I literally running the entire government right now? The answer to all of those questions is that hundreds of elected officials are just straight up letting me. I honestly did not think it would be this easy.

I see you nursing that drink, and it feels like fate. How about we blow this juke joint and head on over that way? Don’t get me wrong—this bar has its charm, but it ain’t the El Dorado… Picture this: you, me, a bottle of wine… up on the rooftop, where no one’s been stabbed for weeks. 

Just for the record, I was racist before it was cool. Only the most broken people can be great leaders. We need a eugenic immigration policy. And more!

I’m honest because I’m your BFF, your platonic ride-or-die, and I think you deserve someone who really understands you. The kind of guy who has been in love with you since college and has an inside joke with your mom. Hypothetically.

Even if getting my calluses greased up was my thing, I can’t fathom having such a hankering that I’d accept a free massage from a stranger in a cold, muddy, windswept park, surrounded by the far-from-tantalizing sounds of screaming kids.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: Have you ever made spaghetti alfredo with fresh garlic and tapeworms? Did you cook the garlic first? Did you wait until the bear was dead before extracting the tapeworms? Did you use organic whipping cream and imported parmesan cheese? Did you inject the tub of butter into your vein to ward off smallpox and then have to go back to the supermarket to get another? Do you like touching your own eyeballs? Who are you?

He realized now that he was reduced to nothing more than an animal, although he was still capable of human feelings.

YELLOW WITH SPOTS: Obviously your child is unable to attend school for the rest of the week, but Sally’s mom has asked us to remind you to drop off 50 dairy-free, nut-free, funfetti-free cupcakes for the winter fundraiser on Thursday between 10:49 AM - 11:07 AM.

Getting your steps in: Why else would you be walking to the Gatorade water tank 100 yards away from your table. To get water? Um, no. You didn’t even want water, and those 10,000 steps aren’t going to step themselves. The only thing worse than the shame of being seen self-serving yourself a one oz. cup of water like you’re a 7-year-old at a tee-ball game is dying early from heart disease after leading a sedentary lifestyle. 

We’re not killing Dr. King’s dream, we’re just removing the problem entirely from our line of sight so that it no longer exists. Not seeing color isn’t racism repackaged, it’s true equality.

2nd Commandment: Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain, which is definitely a big one.  Unless you’re willing to cut me in on the deal and let me get my beak wet, then you can take it in vain to your heart’s content.  Let’s set up a meeting.

BOB: Take a seat, team. Liz is right. We have to go into damage-control mode and get to the bottom of this crash. But we need to ask the right questions. LIZ: How could this happen? BOB: Wrong question. CARTER: Who’s responsible? BOB: Even more wrong. WILLIAM: Who can we blame? BOB: Bingo.

I applaud your plan to “Eat healthier – no more triple bacon burgers with loaded fries and extra thick thickshakes at 2 am.” But it’s not my fault you packaged and labeled all the Christmas leftovers for each day until February. I’ve been eating the ham like you were drinking the eggnog: without reading the use-by date, late at night on the kitchen floor, alone, and belting out Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.”

Bachelor Island: Do you believe that a few decades ago people used to watch The Bachelor??  Jesus Christ.  Anyway, at least it means that we have this much superior show now, where former contestants from The Bachelor are hunted for sport on an island owned by ugly guys who were bullied in high school but are rich and resentful now.

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Hey, Greg. No, you’re not hallucinating; it’s me, your popcorn bowl. I know we don’t normally do this, but I don’t know how much time we have, so I’d appreciate it if you listen to what I have to say. Greg, I am a popcorn bowl. That means I hold popcorn, not throw up.

Our yearly list you don't want to miss!

The Clash: London Calling? I Accept the Charges!

Murder on 34th street, Car Jack Frost, Drone Alone, and more #CriminalChristmasMovies on this week's trending joke game!

We are tired of all these conspiracy theories. Remember last year when Gillikin Country was blanketed in a glowing mystery haze and we told you it was nothing? Sure it turned out to be a deadly tornado originating from Kansas, but it was most certainly not Elphaba trying to get hold of those ruby slippers by blowing weed into your lungs. Or that time when the green liquid was found flowing out of Lake Quad? It was just some raw poison poppy contaminating the crops. Not the witch urinating on Oz. 

12 Lays of Christmas, We Threesome Kings, Jingle balls, and more #CarnalCarols on this week's trending joke game!

I needed to find one of these wise gurus who is a leader in anti-softness like Bill Maher so I could tell him in person (the best way) about what I learned on this journey (so much). But when I broke into his studio, he just called for security, which kind of surprised me. I thought from his complaining about the woke youth that he wanted to collaborate mano a (wo)mano with hardos like me.