An investigation is still pending, but McDonald’s Shamrock Shakes are made by Union-supported seasonal work leprechauns. They are allowed several Union-approved “stick-fights” throughout the day, during which they beat the corned beef out of each other with their shillelaghs, while standing on a plank placed over the Shamrock Shake vat. The loser of said match is thrown into the vat with their shillelagh and ground up into the Shamrock Shake.

Your section of the Zoom meeting screen has been replaced by a skull and crossbones. And more!

The sandwich you ate in 2016 also contained a microscopic camera that sends us pictures of your insides while you sleep. We at Club Sandwich know what you’re thinking, and no, the camera never runs out of battery because it is powered by the little pieces of corn you don’t chew enough. Well, that about sums it all up! Actually, one more thing: we can see your dreams.

Gangsta Rapunzel, Hansel and Groovy, Barry White and the 7 Dwarfs, and more #FunkyFairyTales on this week's trending joke game!

Okay, I admit, I was doing a little work this time. As the person responsible for overseeing major crimes investigations, and as someone who takes that important job extremely seriously, I was investigating a serious crime in that locker room. A Beer Crime!

Hey there! We saw you failed your NYPD psychological evaluation a record 11 times. Sounds like someone is playing the long game for an exciting, rewarding career with ICE. Let’s chat. Just not in public. Reply YES to schedule a virtual meet-n-greet.

Hello to my millions of fans around world! Thank you for attending my humble documentary "Melania," which is receiving nearly perfect Tomato score! And now, as if my humble documentary "Melania” is not enough for you, I have also hilarious outtake reel! These are not joke on me, of course. No. It is joke on other people! You will see. Let us take a look, okay?

As your elected leader, it is my job to identify who is responsible for this mess. Since it isn’t me, I’ll let you know once I’ve cracked the code.

​In his absence, love will be automated. Leaks suggest a new app, CupidAI, will launch in Q4. The algorithm, developed by Cupid and coded by a team in Beijing, promises to match partners based on shared streaming passwords and anxiety levels.

Leave it out where it can be seen. Avoid placing it near mirrors since reflections add "variables".

"The Haunted Mask I Put on Before Bed in a Vain Attempt to Hold Off Aging for One More Day"

During Honda Days, the world made sense. The showroom was a place people came drunk with hope and enthusiasm. The giant inflatable tube guy was all of us—our own Honda Jesus.

The Walking Bread, Hell-apeno Poppers, Invasion of the Body Snackers, and more #ApocalypticAppetizers on this week's trending joke game!

When your partner refuses to get rid of his stretched-out t-shirt, put it directly in the trash bin outside.

Again, not to beleaguer my situation, but dating is so hard. It’s just one MAGA fanatic after another, no matter what I do to screen for them. I mean, I sometimes swipe right. What can I say? I know it’s wrong, but I still have a low key hope it might lead to a flirtatious rainy rendezvous in a gazebo.

Gingersnatch, Throatmeal Cookies, Snickerdiddle, and more #NookieACookie on this week's trending joke game!

Although The Skipper justified the overnight raid by citing “narcoterrorism,” he had previously noted about the Howells’ access to some of the Island’s largest coconut-tree groves: “Maybe we will sell the coconut cream pies. Maybe we will keep them. Maybe we'll use them in the Strategic Coconut Reserves.”

Ensure that the biggest balls to drop this New Year’s: are yours. 

You forced me to pick "slop" as my Merriam-Webster Word of the Year, which means the summarized search history of this proud nation collectively included seriously Googling "shrimp Jesus," "Pope Trump," and "Coco-Coola." Has linguistics become a laughingstock, or has the country crumbled into satire? I cannot take it anymore: I've begun to sob, wail, whimper, and caterwaul.

The ubiquitous lizard has been in the U.S. on an EB-1visa for twenty-five years. The visa—christened the Einstein—is awarded to people with extraordinary abilities like Nobel laureates, Olympic medalists, and Oscar winners.

What’s a girl gotta do to find a decent man? Trader Joe seems like a serial ghoster, and I am not into BJ’s. I guess I’ll just have to start frequenting Discount Tire now (and buy a car).

He was an old man (thirty years old, which feels old) who had been out of the house for eighty-four minutes without having a little something to nibble on. The night air moved slowly and the odors of the city were unkind. He had eaten dinner at seven thirty, but it was merely a salad. It was not enough to sustain him for an arduous journey nearly twenty whole blocks from his apartment.

Meanie Baby, Sleazy-Bake Oven, Severed LEGO, and more #ChopAPopularToy on this week's trending joke game!

Fleshlight: Insisting your wife misheard you — you definitely said you were ordering a flesh-toned flashlight.

I’m about to be the smallest denomination of US currency that exists. This will continue to be confusing to children, because the dime is so much smaller and lighter than me. 

US Capital Records, Washington Mutual Memorial, International House of Representatives and Pancakes, and more!

Locked inside Kia?
 No ‘jaws of life’ required 
 Just can opener.

Payment is my life savings, family jewelry, and the deed to the house that we will be working in. The deed will be signed over via blood contract when the completion of the novel is imminent.

Frankenstein’s Monster - I have hard time find date. Town people not nice. Say I “monster.” I try speed date in big city. People leave comment on card like, “He seem awkward, too stiff and uptight,” “He not have head screwed on right,” and “He seem dead inside.” 

I don't know why exactly, but somehow I just feel totally free when I'm hiking out here in the woods! Remember freedom, Janine? It's what we both had before we entered into this marriage of convenience eight years ago. Good times. Good, good times. And then we got married.

        It was a warm spring night and I sat at a table on the terrace of the Napolitain scrolling Tik Tok. I watched a good-looking girl walk past the table and watched her go up the street and lost sight of her, and watched another, and then saw the first one coming back, with a Strawberry Matcha Strato Frappuccino. 

When I look at my body in the mirror, I think _______.  (1) Working out has really paid off! (2) Belly buttons are weird. (3) Where did these scratch marks come from?  (4) I’m a monster unworthy of love.

Haunted Steakhouse, Ferris Veal, Pirate Strip, and more #CarnivorousCarnivalRides on this week's trending joke game!

Armored Saint, The Fat Generals, Beardo Weirdos and more! 

However, we understand that some women, especially in blue states, may be weak and need help getting through pregnancy-related discomfort, so based on extensive research including many ideas kicked around on podcasts where everyone was super-high, we at the HHS are now ready to recommend the ancient method of pain management known as “biting down on a stick.”

Ginger dread, Cinnabombs, Maca-ruins, and more #PostApocalypticPastries on this week's trending joke game!

Replace a dead wife. The impetus for your governess services is due to the presence of a dead adult female partner. This is crucial, given that you will certainly develop a romantic relationship with the children’s father. The presence of a living female partner makes it difficult (though not impossible) to consummate such a relationship. There’s also no stopping this course of action because you are irresistible. You will be serving as a mother figure to the younger generation in the household. However, be prepared for statements such as “You’re not my real mom!” because you are not in fact the children’s real mom. She is dead or locked in the attic.  

Gary Busey’s half-eaten Italian grinder, a live hen, and more!

I just want to start by saying that I absolutely adored my time here at your hotel and will be recommending it to all my friends and family. It was even better than last time and I noticed you have made great strides in removing the loose Band-Aids from your pool - you’re almost there! 

If I had known my solo Eurotrip would look nothing like Dua Lipa’s Instagram, I wouldn’t have absconded to foreign lands in search of the perfect Aperol spritz and a new personality in the first place.

It’s raining, it’s pouring, The old man is snoring. He’s on CNN, Passed out again. Exhausted from crypto whoring.

Montgomery Ward’s, Circuit City, Blockbuster, and more! 

Medical benefits: The Company is required to provide at all times an on-site, Clown-certified emergency medical technician (EMT). Each EMT must be equipped with the proper medical equipment, consisting entirely of an over-sized head mirror, a non-operable stethoscope, and a two-foot gas-powered chainsaw. EMT is required to faint at presentation of patient symptoms.

Replacing Mr. Rogers’ Sweater and Shoes with Mr. Roger Stone’s Nixon Tattoo

“This little piggy had roast beef” isn’t a lot to hang a character on. High cholesterol ≠ high drama. And now you have me thinking about a pig eating a cow, which isn’t exactly cannibalism but pretty goddamn weird. (Or is it a metaphor for a sex thing? Either way: ditto.)

Sick-tac-toe, Snot-zee, Pukes and Splatters, and more #BarfABoardgame on this week's trending joke game!

Don’t worry if you need a little more time to rest. The day is young! But not that young.

There were no customers this morning. So, after dusting off the cardboard display promoting Judge Dredd, I started typing up this case on the typewriter up front, keeping one eye on the door and the register. It’s noon as I type this, and you still haven’t shown up. Think about that. There are two of us. Who is the best employee this month?