In Defense of Heather Bresch and EpiPen Price Hike

People are chomping at the bit, demanding blood and worse from Mylan CEO Heather Bresch. But before things get too heated, just listen to reason for a minute; Ms. Bresch NEEDS that extra $16 million per year raise in her salary.

Don’t believe us?

Just take a moment to cool down and check out the facts and figures:

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1.5 million per year needed for the sets, wardrobe and crew, plus the gallons upon gallons of chloroform and juice boxes, needed to fund her private collection of snuff films starring handicapped orphans.

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3 million per year needed to keep the fetal blood flowing smoothly in the man-made River Styx that runs throughout her subterranean miniature golf course / monument to Satan and all of his earthly works.

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500k per year needed to hire out nursing homes for the weekend, to be used by she and her friends for Most Dangerous Game-styled hunting parties / blood orgies.

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7 million to hire one sane, pleasant person to give her a one-minute hug without shuddering or becoming physically ill.

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2 million per year to have homeless and indigent allergy sufferers brought to her office, so that she can hold the epipen just slightly out of reach as they thrash, twist and gasp for air on the floor beneath her.

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$7.95 for authentic dildo in the exact shape of Osama Bin Laden’s penis.

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2.5 million per year needed to properly staff and maintain the doomsday machine that both chips away at the earth’s ozone layer, and also causes your girlfriend to keep cheating on you with those two bus-boys from the Olive Garden.

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