Originals
Lesser Known TV Content Warnings
Mild drug use, bloody scenes of horror, graphic language, rapping vampires. And more!
Entries by Kit Lively
Magazine Rack
Plateboy Magazine
Coleslaw In The Raw, Open Wide for Open Faced Sandwiches, Grub Hubba Hubba! And more in this issue of Plateboy Magazine!
Originals
Lesser Known Characters From The Star Wars Universe
Nanneth Korv: Exotic dancer at the Death Star’s gentlemen’s club, The Emperor Says “No Clothes!”. Frozen in carbonite for causing Darth Vader to suffer messy embarrassment during a lap dance.
Originals
Clairvoyant Trump’s 2023 Predictions
January 6th will become America’s most popular new national holiday, during which wealthy citizens recreate the attack on the Capital by barging into the homes of the less affluent and taking whatever the hell they want. My collection of Trump NFTs will become so popular that they will be traded as the new dominant form of US currency. And more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Pornaments
Where’s dad? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Originals
Mrs. Claus’ Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List
Place Frosty’s magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa’s “Naughty Dungeon”. Deep down, he’s a good man; we all have our vices. And more!
Magazine Rack
FOOD & WHINE Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue
The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!
Originals
TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch
The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it’s topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch. Below is the transcript of that talk.
News Briefs
NEWS BRIEFS: Dad Accidentally Streaks Slumber Party
Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.
Originals
Black Magic Friday’s Best Deals, Steals & Spells!!!
Sell your soul before 12/31/22 and receive a free glow-in-the-dark Mariah Carey fanny pack. All inverted cross actually prepared as inverted, and not just normal crosses that we turned upside down. And more!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Dominatrix Divorce
Bad hurt, not good hurt. Today’s cartoon by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively.
Originals
Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get Away From Cancelled Street? Sesame Street Characters Apology Tour
Pyramid schemes, missing underpants, Fraggle centipedes, and a big nest on Epstein’s island, put these well loved Muppets in hot water.
Originals
Transcript From The Recent Emergency Meeting Of The Multiversal Council Of Kanyes
Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I’m sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND- Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?
Magazine Rack
OnlyFansgoria
Frankenstein’s Monster Exclusive Pantsless Twitch is Shocking! Plus, Best BBW- The Blob, Best Hot Body Waxing: The Werewolf, Best Who Definitely Love To Swallow- Zombies. Check out the best creators on the platform in OnlyFansgoria today!
Originals
Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms
Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation, and a couple more.
Originals
Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials
If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn’t Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer’s vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!
Originals
Just Desserts (Revenge Bakery Menu)
Key Lyme Disease Pie, Carrot Top Cake, S’ores, and more!
Originals
A Modern Guide To Translating Small Talk
“Pretty chilly today!” usually means “The army of rabid weasels that I control with my mind can be here before you have a chance to remove me from these premises.”
Originals
Truly Terrible Ways to Make Friends as an Adult
Sharing a taser while storming a government building. Dressing up as Boba Fett to attend a Lord Of The Rings convention. By attempting to telepathically communicate with others in line at the DMV. And more!
Originals
The Finalists for Mindfulness Magician of the Year!
The Great Laverne / Real Name: Etherea Sparkle / Signature Illusion: Escaping a toxic relationship.
Originals
Last Minute Budget Summer Vacation Suggestions
PruneFest! Spend an idyllic summer afternoon in the company of friends and loved ones, savoring the sweet scents and flavors of a wide variety of prunes, prune jams and jellies, prune wine, plus workshops on using prunes to improve everything from your chi and sex life to sleep patterns. Look out for Pruney Paul and his green basket of prunes, it’s all he eats and it shows (smells)! As usual with this particular event, porta-potties are in high demand yet short supply, so please plan accordingly.
CritWits
REVIEW: The Disastrous Dating Life Of Diane Damone
The basic rom-com set-up of “woman with a less-than-satisfactory dating history going on a series of romantic misadventures” is given a fresh coat of paint by some very funny writing, and by Brittany herself, who is as funny as she is charming and likable (which is to say, very).
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National Enshirer
Aragorn’s Longbow EXPOSED! (NOT Actually Very Long!) Sauron’s Role In The Jan 6th Attack! Lord Of The Onion Rings!: Frodo Explains Massive COVID Weight Gain! And more!
Originals
Inventory List Of The FBI’s Raid Of Trump
Secret identity of Q (it’s Tony Danza!!) McDonalds’ Grimace life size sex doll, Trump steaks made of real Trump! (mostly his mother) And more!
Originals
A Breakdown Of Where Your Weekly Church Contribution Goes
$ 195 eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary. $ 125.00 Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property. $ 87 3 dozen bags of marshmallows, 8 syringes of sodium pentothal for Youth Group retreat.
Originals
Select Scenes From The QAnanny Sitcom
QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee Gross Sheffield: What is that… that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh? Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean… kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain.
Magazine Rack
RottingStone Magazine
Visiting The Rock n’ Roll Hall Of Maim, ‘Name That Tomb’ with Casey Kasem, Jerry Garcia Seance- Gratefully Dead, Or Not So Much? and more in RottingStone Magazine!
Originals
Road Trip Stops You Won’t Want To Miss!!
Apples & Bees, Shappalap, OK- Not to be confused with the popular chain of bar and grill restaurants located throughout North America, Apples & Bees is instead an apple orchard that is open to the public, but also plagued regularly by swarms of bees.
Originals
Truly Terrible Beach Tips
Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka.
Originals
QaDon’s- American Bistro For American’s Who Don’t Like America
“Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!” “Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!”
Originals
Sonic The Hedgehog Tips & Tricks!!!
This level contains a hidden room where you can grab a few much-needed extra lives for later in the game. Simply enter through the door hidden behind the wall of seaweed by creating a spin-attack to break through; behind this door is a Baptist church, where you can quickly become a member and thereby receive eternal lives through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Magazine Rack
Newsbleak Magazine
Study Confirms: We’re All Gonna Die! HEALTH: That Thing On Your Neck? Yikes, Better Have Someone Take A Look! CRYPTO: Please Don’t Use It To Buy Our Magazine, and more bad news in Newsbleak Magazine!
Originals
Truly Terrible Wedding Toasts & Announcements
“Please don’t be concerned about the goodie bags smelling like bug spray; some ants had gotten into the bags earlier, but we took care of it, so everything should be fine now.”
Originals
Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly
1939 – 40 New York World’s Fair- During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is accidentally spilled onto the stage, resulting in the first known instance of what eventually comes to be known as breakdancing.
Originals
Level With Me…How Exactly Is The Multiverse Different From Our Universe?
No chicken nuggets; instead, unicorn nuggets. There is no Star Trek, but there are still plenty of other reasons why guys can’t get laid. And more!
Magazine Rack
Renthouse Magazine
Full Frontal Or Back Door; How To Enter That Rental, Should The Carpets Match The Drapes? (Like design-wise, pervert) and more in Renthouse Magazine.
Originals
More Musk For Your Buck! Elon Musk’s Planned Twitter Changes…
A special audio notification for all Twitter Platinum members, which goes off only in the event that my army of cyborg assassins is unleashed upon the unwashed masses, and allows you plenty of time to get settled into your spacious and luxurious underground bunker.
Originals
Post Pandemic Party Planning!
Now that things are moving slowly back toward somewhat normal, you can toss your guests’ coats onto your bed, rather than onto your back lawn before setting them all on fire.
Originals
What To Expect When You’re Expecting Extraterrestrials
Keep It Classy-ish: If you decide to invite our friends from beyond the stars into your home for a casual chat, please do your best to make a good impression. For example, best to keep the tv off, but if you must keep it on, steer clear of things like The Bachelor and Fox News. I mean, c’mon… you’re just making the rest of us look bad.
Magazine Rack
TV Snide
‘Oh boy! More Streaming Services!? Maybe they could put them all together on one bill, oh wait, we had that and f*cked it up!’ ‘The Voice: Sorry, Folks, No Good Singers Left’ and more in this issue of TV Snide!
Originals
More Obscure Ways Of Bringing Back Luck
Having your nipples pierced in a construction site porta potty. And more!
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Things That Go Bundt In The Night: Treats To Terrify Your Taste Buds
Magic Ate Ball: A Magic 8 Ball covering in rich, delicious caramel and drizzled with candy sprinkles. When will you be able to pass this beast? Reply hazy.
Magazine Rack
Queasyriders Magazine
Riding My Hog, Sick As A Dog, Food Poisoning Or Real Poisoning; How To Tell If It Was Bad Shrimp Or Your Old Lady’s Trying To Kill You, and more in this issue of Queasyriders Magazine!
Originals
Little Debbie’s Got A FAQ For You
We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it’s becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they’re close to being extinct or something? We’ll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I’ll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn’t sound quite as appetizing.
Originals
Cap’n Crunch’s Most Irritating Pet Peeves
Social media bullying from those horrible Honeycomb Kids. No one ever takes him seriously when he asks them to walk the plank. And more!
Magazine Rack
Cosmopolitician Magazine
Stealing Hearts and Voting Rights, Denying Climate Change to Get Them Hot, and more in this issue of Cosmopolitician Magazine!
Originals
Joe Rogan’s Other Favorite Conspiracy Theories
Shingles are not caused by a virus introduced into a person’s body via chicken pox, but rather a section of roof falling from a great distance and hitting you on the back. And more!
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Most Common FAQ for Wummies Weed Gummies
“Is it advisable to take a gummy before going out to have dinner with friends? And are they really my friends? Why are they all looking at me like that? And why is the waiter trying to read my mind?”
Best of 2022
New Dating Apps That Hopefully No One Will Ever Need
Fist A Cyst, Raunch Dressing, Insurrection Erection, and more!
Originals
What’s IN & OUT For 2022
OUT Zombie apocalypse / IN Regular old boring apocalypse, and more!
Originals
My Proudest Accomplishments From 2021
Used my 401k to purchase land and develop a nudist community for those with psoriasis called Flakey Acres.
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Santa’s Most Surprisingly Requested Gifts
This Is Not A Vibrator! Personal Massager: Comes packaged in a container with “This Is Not A Vibrator!” printed in bold type to let the others celebrating the holiday with you know that, in no uncertain terms, this personal massager is definitely not going to be used as a mechanical penis.
Magazine Rack
Ass Weakly Magazine
In this issue of ASS Weakly: Excerpts from Andrew Cuomo New Book: Hands On Politics A Touchy Subject, Ooze With Cruz-Our Q&A With The Slimy Senator, and Ghislaine Maxwell Says “Get Out Of The Dark Ages! Women Can Be Creepy Perverts Too!”
Originals
Your Holiday Streaming Guide
Chris-mas Cuomo- When Santa finds himself in some hot water due to allegations of sexual misconduct from several elves in his employ, will his pal Chris Cuomo be able to save the day by working behind the scenes, gathering exclusive info at his job at a popular news network? (HBO Max)
Originals
The Most Dangerous Game Night: Ways To Spice Up Boring Old Board Games
Connect Four: Connect four game discs coated with honey, then several dozen bees sporadically allowed into gaming room. Chutes & Ladders: Game played on actual ladders. Twister: Game mat placed on a small platform suspended over a tank of great white sharks. And more!
Originals
Thrilling Thanksgiving Thrillers!!!
Gone Gravy Gone, The Fat & The Furious, The Hunt For Red Wine In November, and more!
Magazine Rack
Bartha Steward Shiving
Time Off For Gouda Behavior, Adding A Splash Of Fall Medley To Your Gang’s Colors, and more in this issue of Bartha Steward Shiving.
Originals
Reasons That I’m Not Coming To Your Baby Shower
You’re not having a baby; you’re considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year. Look, that’s great and all, but I’m not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever. You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.
Magazine Rack
Reaper’s Diegest
‘Ding Dong, Fooled You! and 6 Other Practical Jokes No Reaper Can Resist’, ‘Slim Reapers: This Year’s Most Flattering Death Robes!’ ‘Which Celebrities Are On Your Bucket List?’ and More from this month’s Reaper’s Digest!
Originals
Your Guide To Being A Spookily Great HalloWingman: Tips On Helping Your Buddy Get The Most, Best Candy While Trick Or Treating
It’s a mistake to appear too eager! Have your friend play it cool and hang back from the crowd a bit. The person handing out treats will be intrigued by the indifference, and your friend may end up with a couple of extra fun-size Twix bars in his bag.
Originals
Humdrum Horror Hobbies
When he’s not stabbing and slashing in an effort to transfer his soul into a human body, Chucky loves tormenting others by working the call center at several telemarketing and bill collection companies.
Originals
Streaming And Screaming!
Escape Room 3: Rise Of The Terrordome- A group of strangers are abducted by a malevolent organization and placed into a series of increasingly dangerous escape rooms. The strangers, after thinking about it for a bit, realize that this situation is much better than how things are out in the real world, and so decide to simply stay put. (Oct 20, HBO Max)
Magazine Rack
VAXIM Magazine
Pharma Sutra: Can Pfizer Make You A “Riser”? Johnson & Johnson Into Your Johnson? And more!
Originals
At The Fantasy Island Frozen Yogurt Stand
Mr. Rourke: Hello, and welcome to the Fantasy Island Frozen Yogurt Experience. How may we facilitate your yogurt fantasies today?
Originals
Most Commonly Accessed FAQs On The Farmers Only Website
“There’s a lot to like about these guys, but ultimately, we just didn’t click. Any chance you could just sell me a dildo that’s been spritzed with Stetson cologne?”
Originals
Signs That Summer Is Almost Over…
Anti-vaxxers adding plenty of ivermectin to their pumpkin spice lattes. COVID infection stories on the news are all Back To School related. And more!
Magazine Rack
GQAnon Magazine
The Max In Anti-Vax Slacks, Q-Mart Shoppers, The Gaetz Of Hell, and more!
Best Of 2021
Rudebook Magazine
Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, ‘Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!’ And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Deflating Ego
Punctured fun. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Originals
Other Crazy Beliefs Of The MyPillow Guy
“Andrew Cuomo’s discarded nipple rings can be used to construct a helmet with which to contact yodeling enthusiasts from other dimensions.” “Beverly Hills 90210 is superior to Melrose Place.” And more!
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Chores That I Absolutely Won’t Get To This Weekend
Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard. Taking all of those vhs porn tapes to the Goodwill. Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection. And more!
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Truly Terrible Signs That You’re at a Crummy Nude Beach
Even the crabs have crabs.
Originals
Less Obvious Signs That The End Is Nigh…
Grasshoppers suddenly have eyebrows for some reason. And more!
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Deluxe Features Of Local Haunted Houses In Your Area!
Moorecrest Manor, 1142 Autumn Harvest Lane: Walls bleed extremely rare blood type AB negative, so ideal for charity blood drive location. Portal to Hell greatly reduces heating bills during the winter. Ghost of little girl in the attic can be listed as a dependent on tax forms.
Originals
What’s New On Streaming?
The Haunting Of Geraldine’s Toaster (Netflix) In the terrifying tradition of previous Netflix hits The Haunting Of Hill House and The Haunting Of Bly Manor, this new entry centers on young, optimistic family the Guthries. The Guthries have just moved into a refurbished house with a terrifying past, and an even more horrific toaster, possessed by true evil.
Originals
Welcome Back To The Cinema!
Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!
Originals
Minutes From Last Months Meeting Of BRONIE, The Social Group For Men Who Are Obsessed With My Little Pony
Forty-seven minutes spent going through group’s Facebook page, erasing rude messages from fake members who signed up just to be mean.
Originals
Classic Children’s Books Updated For Modern Times
Marjorie Taylor Greene Eggs-aggerations And Ham-Fisted Lies, House At Putin Corner, Goodnight Mood Stabilizing Meds, and more!
Originals
Summer 2021 Pool Rules
No Offensive T-Shirts, Unless They’re Really Funny. No Smoking, Pets, Or Smoking Pets. No Urinating in the Pool, Unless You Can Get Away With It Without Being Obvious. And more!
Originals
James Bond Meets QAnon
QAnon- Now, now, Mr. Bond…. this item is quite ingenious! When you place it upon your head, you’re instantly able to read the mind of anyone in your surrounding area! Just imagine being able to see into the deepest, darkest corners of your enemy’s psyche! And then to post about it online, where everyone can see!
Originals
Gorvath The Infernal Presents Fun Summer Tips For Execrable Human Scum
The insatiable thirst of you lumbering, barely sentient beasts will never be quenched. Such is the nature of your dire species. But if you insist, a nice pitcher of ginades on the beach is lovely and refreshing.
Originals
Things That I’ll Miss About Wearing These Damn Masks…
Other people believing me when I tell them that I have a mustache. No longer able to steal dollhouse furniture from craft stores by hiding the pieces in my mouth. And more!
Originals
How Has The Pandemic Affected Those In The DC Universe?
Wonder Woman now using her lasso of truth to determine whether those around her have truly had their vaccinations.
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Last Minute Mothers’ Day Gift Ideas
Tapioca Rocca- Our catchy nickname for the hottest gift this Mothers’ Day, a miniature sculpture of Al Roker made entire of tapioca pudding! And while it is indeed the hottest gift of this season, don’t actually get it hot, or even warm. The smell is just horrible.
Originals
Truly Terrible Signs You May Be Staying at a Bad Rehab Center
During art therapy, you’re encouraged to “reach your inner artist” by sniffing the markers.
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Teen Comedies For The Upcoming Post-Apocalyptic World
National Lampoon’s Animal Cave: What sort of hijinx ensue when humans are forced to live in caves with wild animals? The animals eat the humans, we assume.
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Dewey Vista Acres Retirement Community- Notes & Comments RE: The Recent Rec Room Orgy
Mrs. Smithee, not a great time to show other residents photos of your grandchildren. Please be aware of sharp edges on rec room ping pong table. Polygrip not a suitable substitute for KY Jelly. And more.
Originals
Helpful Money Making Tips For Getting America Out Of Debt
Fees for vaccinations that contain an added boost of Cialis. Make Trump pay his fines to the IRS. And more!
Originals
Russian Roulette With The Easter Bunny
“C’mon Dave, are we doing this or not?” he asked, tapping his cigarette and allowing ashes to drop onto the floor of the kitchen.
“It’s getting late, and those kiddies will all be rising and shining soon.”
Best Of 2021
Truly Terrible TV/Movie Pitches
Bachelord Of The Rings: Lord Of The Rings cosplay enthusiasts vie for the romantic attention of a beautiful model, who spends the better portion of the season pushing heavy furniture in order to block her dressing room door.
Originals
Getting the Most out of Your Haunted Mirror
The reflection of a haunted mirror is often an actual parallel dimension, and given half a chance an inhabitant of that dimension will attempt to possess and replace you at the first opportunity. This of course would leave you trapped in the mirror dimension, but so what? Who couldn’t use a rest from the problems and responsibilities of their normal, daily routine? Just make sure that the reflection contains a nice, comfy bed, a tv and your bong. Now you’re all set for the ultimate staycation!
Originals
Upcoming Crazy Twists on The Walking Dead
That one guy? You know, the guy who’s friends with the main guy? He gets separated from the group during a zombie attack!
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Truly Terrible Signs That Your BFF Chelsea Is A Hobgoblin
Her cute new manicure is actually blood and gore from tearing out the throats of her enemies. She’s been looking at David’s Instagram photos without liking or commenting. And more!
Originals
Q & Anon- Top Questions From QAnon’s Website FAQ
Q: Is wiping front to back is the work of Satan and his minions (ie, Liberals). A: If you’re wiping at all, you’re several steps ahead than the vast majority of our members.
Originals
Unsurprising Revelations From Trump’s 2nd Impeachment Trial
Trump enjoyed the scenes of destruction so much that he recorded over his VHS tape of sex with Stormy Daniels in order to preserve the footage.
Originals
Other Crazy QAnon Conspiracy Theories
Wearing a necklace of gluten around your neck will ward off Democrats. Socialists hold wet t-shirt contents using the tears of Jesus. And more!
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Names for Trump’s New Political Party
Mein Pillow, Trump’s Chumps, Turd Reich, and more!
Originals
Cursed Items & Their Corresponding Curses
Broken Tooth of Beserker Alpha: Generic Rogaine causes severe skin rash on face and neck.
Originals
Trump’s Itinerary For The Day Of Biden’s Inauguration
1:30 PM: Call Satan, see if the election loss and second impeachment means that I can get a refund on the whole selling-my-soul thing. And more.
Originals
Punishing Trump With AddenDUMBS To The 25th Amendment
25 B-7: Trump forced to live in a run-down condo with son Eric as a roommate, for a minimum of no less than seven years. 25 J-7: Louie Anderson to portray Trump in any / all future tell-all movies (this will drive Trump crazy!!). 25 N-2: The McRib? Gone forever, never to return. And more!
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How To Tell If Your Gang Isn’t As Tough As You Think It Is…
If you happen to notice the members of another gang wearing your gang colors, you compliment them on their bold and stylish fashion choices. And more!
Originals
Truly Terrible Ways To Santa-Proof Your Home
Santa means well, but let’s face it, he probably spreads the coronavirus just as readily as Christmas joy; there’s no way that those elves practice social distancing in those tiny toy-making sweatshops. So, how to best, for the time being, keep that fat jolly eggnog sucker out of your house?
Originals
Upcoming 2020 Holiday TV Specials
The 3 Wisemen Meet The 4 Horsemen (CMT, Tuesday Dec 15, 3 AM)- Animated special from the creators of The Proud Boys Introductory Guide To Dental Hygiene, voiced by a bevy of your favorite wrestling stars, plus Tim Allen as the voice of a wisecracking baby Jesus. (Some material may be unsuitable for those with an IQ of over two digits)
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Santa’s Secrets
Accidentally stepped on your cat a few years ago, but brought it back using Christmas Magic; that’s why its been acting like the cat from Pet Semetary recently.
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Trump Turkey Pardon
We just need a signature here, here and here….everything will be taken care of, and then the turkey and his family will be in no way held liable for any crimes past or present. But if there’s any room for disagreement, I may be willing to haggle regarding a member or two of the turkey’s family. Like the turkey’s sons, just as one example.
Originals
Fun Tips To Shaving Your Dad’s Back
Needing to earn a bit of extra money on the side? Scoop up the latest batch of your dad’s back-hair trimmings and sell to your stepmother for use in her collection of ex-husband voodoo dolls.
Originals
The 5 Stages Of Grief, Election Loss Edition
Bargaining (With Rudy) In a nice twist on a classic, the two biggest rats are desperately clinging to one another as the ship quickly sinks. Do your final sneaky, slimy favors for one another for old times sake, and then please just disappear beneath the surface of the water forever.
Originals
Pandemic Or Treat: Making The Most Of Your Halloween During COVID
As far as sexy costumes go this year, you simply need to honestly answer one question: Can a hazmat suit successfully have cleavage? If so, you’re back in business.
Originals
Other Methods Of Keeping Trump In Line At The Debate
Stagehand frantically waving a double quarter-pounder with cheese from off camera if he begins to go on a maniacal tirade. Superglue Chapstick. Ejector seat / catapult. And more!
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Steps To Deprogramming A Trump Follower
Lure the Trump supporter to a tantalizing mock-up garage sale, featuring items such as confederate flag shot-glasses and beer cozies, back issues of Guns & Ammo, and collectible figurines and snow-globes that feature Jesus punching a hippie in the mouth.
Originals
Suggested Snacks For The Vice Presidential Debate
QAnonfat yogurt dip, KamalaTov Cocktails, Black Olives Matter, and more!
Originals
Backstage At The Biden / Trump Presidential Debate
Minutes before the debate, Trump desperately attempting to purchase the answers to moderator Chris Wallace’s debate questions. Karen Pence giving a sternly worded lecture about eye contact to Kamala Harris. And more!
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Weekly Humorist’s Election Season Forecast Calendar
Thursday, October 15- Following the previous evening’s debate, Trump voters decide to finally being wearing masks, but due to embarrassment rather than pandemic concerns.
Originals
Back To Home School Supply List
Mouse Pad (if unavailable, back issue of Entertainment Weekly from the bathroom will do). Beer Koozie (for the days when Dad is helping out). Pencil Box, with extra compartment used to hold Mommy’s Xanax. And more!
Originals
Less Evil & Catastrophic, But Still Fairly Disturbing, Bombshell Revelations From Bob Woodward’s Rage
Claims that, during his previous campaign, he didn’t reveal to the American people that he was going to be such a shitty president because he “didn’t want to create a panic”.
Cartoons
CARTOON: Fatal Flattery
Killer compliment. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Originals
Updated Classics That Reflect Our Current Times
A Tale Of Two CDCs, Pride & Prejudiced President, Nasty Little Women, and more!
Originals
Pick-Up Lines To Use At A Trump Rally
“Hey good lookin’, could I buy you a drink to wash down that handful of hydroxychloroquine?”
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Upcoming Headlines We’re Sure To See…
“Pence Refuses To Debate Kamala Without Wife Present” “Vaccine Touted By Trump Simply Diet Coke With A Splash Of Lysol” And more.
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Ways In Which The Axios Interview Could Have Gone Worse For Trump
Trump admits finally that the true source of the Coronavirus is the unprotected sex between he and Stormy Daniels.
Originals
Even More Specialized New Streaming Services!
Selleck-Select: Have you ever been watching a tv show or movie and thought to yourself, “This is okay, I guess… but sure would be a lot better if all of the characters were sporting a Tom
Selleck-style stache!” Then you’re in for a real treat with Selleck-Select!
Originals
Submerged TV Series Brought About By Global Warming
The Walrusing Dead, House Of Carps, Who’s Th’ Bass? and more!
Originals
Examining The Medical Prowess Of Donald Trump: Other Examples Of His Insightful Brilliance
“Using a tanning bed on it’s highest setting for several hours every day is great for you. If it weren’t, why would it make you , or me, look so healthy and photogenic?”
Originals
Other Ways That Trump Will Probably Try To Distract Us From The Pandemic
Play a few rounds of golf in the Arlington National Cemetery. And more!
Originals
The Weekly Humorist Summer 2020 Reading List
Vowel Movement- My Life On Wheel Of Fortune by Vanna White, My Work With The #MeToon Movement by Jessica Rabbit, Giraffe Prostate Exams For Dummies, and more!
Magazine Rack
Plagueboy Magazine
This Month’s PlagueMate Will Have You Rising Quicker Than Current Virus Cases!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Father’s Approval
Demanding Dads. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and Dan McConnell.
Originals
Good Jobs For Bad Cops
Bouncer at bingo parlors, Spray-Hose Operator at tanning salon, Motivational Speaker at skinhead rallies and more.
Best of 2020
Trump’s Other Photo-Op’s You Might Have Missed
Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!
Originals
COVID-19 Business E-mail Alerts You May Have Missed…
And as this pandemic has proven, there are a lot of dangerous, mentally unbalanced people posting less than truthful information on Twitter. From Russian bots and opportunistic hate groups to the president and his family, there are many unsavory predators lurking on Twitter.
Originals
New Pandemic Businesses
Plandemic Parenthood- Is the quarantine making you feel like you wish that you’d thought twice before having kids? Give us a call and we’ll take those rascals off of your hands!
Cartoons
CARTOON: Bar Fly
Buzz Buzzed. The Adventures of Bar Fly, by Kit Lively and David Degrand.
Best of 2020
QUARANTEEN Magazine
Your first kiss!! Which type of face-masks are best? … Page 34/ Win a Zoom chat video lunch date with Nick Jonas!! …. Page 38/ No need to social distance yourself from these hot shirtless hunk wall posters !!
Best of 2020
Pandemericks
We’re asked to shelter in place,/ And “No more touching your face!”,/ But some just refuse,/ Shouting “Fake news!”,/ And embarrassing the human race.
Originals
Trump’s Favorite COVID Cocktails & Disinfectant Delights
Mai-Tide: Chill 4 Tide pods in a freezer overnight. Place chilled pods into a glass, then puncture each pod. Pour Mai Tai contents over pods.
Originals
Ask Dr. Kit: Pup Smear – Veterinary Queries
Dear Nuts… You’re trying to get me to use the phrase, “you should drain your lizard”. And I’m not going to do it. Nope. Please discontinue this nonsense.
Originals
Truly Terrible Tips & Tricks To Keep From Touching Your Own Face
Attempt to beat the world record for juggling. And more.
Originals
Revised Days of the Week
The new quarantined calendar includes, Sonday: Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night – Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago.
Originals
Truly Terrible TV Shows To Stream in Quarantine
The Marvelous Mrs. Measles, West Nile World, Black Plague Mirror, and more.
Originals
Truly Terrible Companies Sending Out Coronavirus CEO E-mails
You Snooze, You Luge Narcoleptic Winter Sports Enthusiasts, Baloneedful Things Gift Shoppe & Deli, Totally Nude Scrapbookers Of America, and more!
Originals
Truly Terrible Tips For Staying Home To Avoid The Coronavirus
That huge stash of toilet paper you unwisely purchased at Costco? Flaming rolls of toilet tissue make great projectiles to discourage neighbors, family and other potential germ-farms from getting too close to your house.
Originals
Truly Terrible Ways To Prevent The Spread Of Coronavirus
Wipe down all surfaces with Sierra Mist. And more.
Originals
How Are The Heroes Of The Marvel Universe Dealing With The Coronavirus?
The Punisher: Rather than the typical gang-members, killers and other assorted criminals, The Punisher has taken to targeting people who don’t cover their mouths when sneezing and coughing.
Originals
Tips For Smoothing Down Bloomberg’s Evil Billionaire Image
Cheerful, brightly-colored welcome mats placed in front of each and every homeless person’s cardboard-box.
