Other Names Trump Considered Before Operation Midnight Hammer:
Operation Love Me Daddy, Operation Dumbo Drop Bomb, Operation Trumpenheimer, and more!
Entries by Kit Lively
The People You Meet in Truck Stop Restrooms
Patsy and Butch: Met at a Denny’s two miles down the road from the drug rehab center where they had both been just released; three days later now and they’re engaged to be married and are planning on starting a satanic cult together. And more!
Future Bombshell Trump Revelations From Elon Musk
Trump smells so bad people call Air Force One… Air Fart One. Trump was going to offer a retirement stock account called a 401KKK. Trump isn’t the Antichrist, but he he does owe him money. And more!
Other Proposed Homeland Security Reality & Game Shows….
King For A Day: Contestants compete in a series of challenges in order to get the chance to spend a day with President Trump. In most cases on a day when there are serious security concerns about the president’s safety at public speaking events.
The Devil And A Guy Who Never Read Webster’s
Satan works diligently behind a large, ornate desk. A sultry female demon sashays into the office, followed by what at first appears to be a particularly ragged and foul-smelling soul of the damned.
Side Effects Of The Pope Being American…
Holy water now provided by White Claw.
The Pro’s And Cons Of Getting High When The Economy Is Low
Meth:
Pro- No more teeth means no more high priced solid foods! Don’t worry, generic cheese whiz and baby food are much easier to steal when making your weekly decongestant run.
Con- Have you seen how the cost for homes, even trailer homes, are shooting through the mysteriously stained roof? Who can afford to have their home blow up anymore?
Nice Things Bill Maher Has Said About Other Dictators
Attila The Hun: Made sure to check with his men for possible nut allergies before whipping up a fresh batch of brownies. When it came to a properly maintained torture space, his rule of thumb was “incense and mints!”.
Best Bargains At The New 10 Dollar Store
All Neckties!: Whether for the holidays or just a night on the town for a scheduled political conditioning display, we have what you need! Please note, all neckties, electrical chords, garden hose extensions and bits of rope are available only following a week long waiting period during times of widespread financial distress and market turmoil.
Biggest Surprises Revealed In JFK Assassination Files…
Jacqueline Onassis wasn’t genuinely too upset about being splashed with the blood and brain matter of her husband, but was “significantly perturbed” by ample amounts of same finding their way into her blueberry yogurt.
Your Work Camp Or Mine? A Guide To Dating In Trump’s Dystopian Future
Holding hands while enjoying one another’s company during a romantic walk is an excellent way to build onto that initial spark of attraction. Of course, don’t wander beyond the perimeter of the electric security gate or camp personnel will have no other choice than to shoot both of you on sight.
Meet The Newest Smurfs!
Horny Smurfette: Gets paid to show her Smurf online on her OnlySmurfs account. Most notoriously streamed video of herself Smurfing over a hundred Smurfs.
Least Popular Starbucks Beverages
Double Half Cup Cappuccino With Double Purple Hairs Of Barista…
Items Newly Arrived At The Monkey’s Pawn Shop, Gently Used Occult Items At Friendly Prices
The Blade Of Infinite Darkness needs a replaced charge cord in order to return darkness to infinite status, but is otherwise in good condition.
20 Or So Questions With Cupid
CUPID: Okay , this is where the confusion comes in… The love IS the gift, get it? What you do with that gift is up to you. No refunds. WH: It’s true, I’ve never gotten a bad case of chlamydia from a gift in my Christmas stocking.
Most Romantic Monster Truck Rally Jumbotron Messages
“Ashleigh, I want your militia to meet my militia.”
True Crime Podcasts Recommended By Your Mom’s Friend Janet
A Dark Reckoning: One of the investigators sounds just like your brother Thomas. The same inflections and everything! Tell him that I said hi when you see him, is he still seeing that one girl?
MAGAmmendments to the Ten Commandments
2nd Commandment: Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain, which is definitely a big one. Unless you’re willing to cut me in on the deal and let me get my beak wet, then you can take it in vain to your heart’s content. Let’s set up a meeting.
Brand New Sexual Bases For The Age Of OnlyFans
10th Base: Teaching your crab lice to make their own OnlyFans account to help pay for groceries and other household expenses.
In Space, No One Can Hear You Stream
Bachelor Island: Do you believe that a few decades ago people used to watch The Bachelor?? Jesus Christ. Anyway, at least it means that we have this much superior show now, where former contestants from The Bachelor are hunted for sport on an island owned by ugly guys who were bullied in high school but are rich and resentful now.
New Year’s Resolutions From Parallel Earth Alpha Nova 7
Eat more scorpions. And more!
Signs That Your Parents Are Trying To Kill You
Rather than the Cub Scouts, your parents have you join the Crips.
Roasting On An Open Fire: Andrew “Ice” Sleigh Roasts Santa
Hey, glad to see everyone! How’s everybody doing tonight? I see Frosty was able to get out of rehab in order to be here. Could somebody check, I guarantee you that he’s at least fifty percent frozen alcohol right now. A walking, talking pina colada – Please Frosty, just let the hat fall off and leave it at that. Jesus.
Lesser Known Facts About House Speaker Mike Johnson
Truly believes that God sent Donald Trump to lead America, and yet still chooses to be a Christian anyway.
New Holiday Travel Road Games
Mad Libtards: While stopping for dinner at a Cracker Barrel in the middle of nowhere (there was literally no other place within 50 miles, sue me), how many times and in different ways do the locals use the word “libtard” to describe basic acts of human decency? Too many to count, get the fuck out of there!!
Plaque Friday: A Comprehensive Guide To The Best Holiday Dental Bargains In Your Area
Priddy And Sons Dental: 2 crowns for the price of one, bonus X-ray rewards program benefits, only cursory groping and less than half a dozen unlawful photos taken by dentist and assistants.
Hellmark Holiday Movie Channel
A Nightmare On 34th St: Fearing that he will flicker out of existence soon, Freddy enlists the aid of the little girl and the lawyer who proved that Santa was real in Miracle On 34th St. Includes the notorious scene where Freddy invades Santa’s dreamscape and forces him to watch his mother playing with herself.
This Week’s Most Popular Graffiti Seen On A Restroom Wall At TJ Maxx
Could this stall be the setting of our meet cute? And more!
I’m Building A Wall Around My Heart, And This Wall Will Have A Glory Hole
Okay, first of all, I’m not being reactionary here; this is not an excuse to be dramatic and throw a hissy fit. But the current situation in my love life has become untenable, and I have therefore been forced into a corner where my only option is to build a towering, securely built wall around my heart. And this wall will contain a glory hole.
Lesser Known Tidbits About Art The Clown
Art shows up to murder aimlessly for only several days typically, spending the remainder of his time selling handmade cheese graters on Etsy.
Getting Smashed At Your Monster Mash
Crack O’ Lantern: You’ve heard about using an apple as a bong, but how about using a hollow pumpkin for smoking some crack? Just don’t do it on your front porch, maybe.
Ways To Make The Vice Presidential Debate More Entertaining…
Each nominee answers questions from a dunk tank seat. And more!
CARTOON: Undateable
Casual dining. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
P. Diddy’s Tips for Throwing a Successful Freak Off
There should be plenty of snacks available. Unsliced cucumbers have proven very popular at my events.
Diddy Lyrics That, In Hindsight, Revealed What Combs Was Up To
“Hey, thanks for being a fan!
Now please get into the van.
Enjoy a blunt I just rolled,
And I’ll apply this lil blindfold.”
Jason Vorhees’ Camp Crystal Lake Etiquette
Please don’t bring guns into my woods. They’re just not safe. If you know how to use a gun properly, that’s great, but c’mon… accidents do happen. And we all know that bullets can’t hurt me anyway, so just don’t even bother.
2024 Presidential Debate Drinking Game: Trump Expansion Pack
For each out and out, obvious lie that Trump makes, allow one tiny drop from a pre-measured eye dropper to fall into your mouth. Just one, it’s going to be a long night!
Dr. Kit’s Nuggets Of Wisdom (now with choice of dipping sauce)
The journey of a thousand miles begins with faking your own death and hiding from your family.
Spotlight On This Week’s New Comics!
Batman #758
Commissioner Gordon uses the Bat-Signal to ask Batman if he can borrow the cowl and cape for his weekly sex night with Mrs. Gordon.
Upcoming SyFy Channel Movies!
Jolly Fish: A young but brilliant marine biologist discovers a method of making jelly fish as docile as pets, but things go from bad to worse when the jelly fish begin humping legs.
High Mimes Magazine
Stuck in an invisible box? Light up & Chill, High on Silence: Do those clowns ever shut up? Mime
Craft: Stoner Mimes Talk Favorite Video Games. And more in High Mimes Magazine!
Truly Terrible Used Car Checklist
Do your research to see if anyone was ever murdered in the car. If so, the ghosts of the victims may not get along with the ghosts of the people who you plan to murder in the car.
Chucky’s Daily Planner
8:43am – 9:36am Crawl out from beneath pile of toys in this stupid asshole kid’s toy chest. Fucking heavy and unwieldy Deluxe Simon game!
Proper Care and Maintenance of Your Brand New Voodoo Doll
Please do not display your voodoo doll with your Beanie Babies; it’s just insulting.
LimmerICKs
Here are a few simple facts ,
Re sculpting with ear wax:
It requires a gentle touch ,
And this may be a bit much,
But makes delicious snacks.
Really Cool Things About The Upcoming Robot Apocalypse
Your charred skull could possibly be used as a centerpiece at super fancy robot parties! And more.
Witch’s Potions, And What They Do
Pickled Antichrist Placenta: Sharpens up your tennis swing. Skin Shavings From Recently Deflowered Warlock: Up to 50% off your regular car insurance. And more!
Conducting Yourself Properly During A Séance
Bringing a Ouija board to a seance is like bringing a lice comb to an orgy; it’s bad form, just don’t do it.
CARTOON: Divine Fashion
Holy Headwear. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Your Partner’s Complaints About Popular Sex Toys
Anal Bee’s: I have since discovered that this should have been “anal beads” rather than “anal bees”. The former sounds pretty nice, actually. Don’t make my mistake of attempting to stuff a handful of live bees into your rectum, that’s all I’m saying.
Modern Day School Absence Excuses
“Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies.” “Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library.” “Militia meeting ran late.” And more!
Poople Magazine
100 Most Beautiful Poops, Plus 65 more Celeb BM’s, Holy Sh%T! The Pope talks poop with Poople! Dropping A Deuce With Bruce; See Why He’s Called The Boss, Yes Rock, We Smell What You’re Cooking! Skid Marks The Spot! Name The Celebrity Based On Their Soiled Underpants. And more in this issue of Poople Magazine!
Other Trump Stories Killed By The National Enquirer
Trump Takes Pet Rock To Baseball Game Instead Of Eric, Ranch Dressing Fountains Placed Into Trump Apartment Bathrooms, And more!
Why Are The Trump Jurors Being Excused?
Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. And more!
Who Gets What in the Divorce of America
MAGA gets: Wal Mart Everyone else gets: Target // MAGA gets: Book burning. Everyone else gets: Burning carbs. And more!
Other New Additions To Trump’s Bible
Several books in this version of the Bible are presented Mad Libs style. Many more bits featuring Jesus hanging out with prostitutes. The Ten Commandments now officially designated as “fake news”. And more!
News Briefs: Employees Of Weed Shop Keep Forgetting To Charge Customers
PLUS:
Shower Head Feels Weird About Relationship With Female Owner
Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Laptop Computer Not Crazy About Sitting On Man’s Crotch During Late Night Porno Surfing
Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.
Mythological Creatures Bi-Annual Pop Culture Round-Table
Dave the Unicorn: Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes? Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot: Well hang on for a second. Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times? What the hell is that? When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club.
MAGAts- Your Guide To Trump Loving Right Wing Extremists
Tessie Tickles: Host of the right wing podcast Tessie Gets Messy, which is less a talk show than a series of racist and /or homophobic diatribes. So kind of like FOX News if it were broadcast from the poorly lit back porch of a lime green trailer.
GOPlayer One Go!
CPAC-Man: You’re CPAC-Man, darting around the maze-like corridors of CPAC, gobbling up donor funds and seedy political favors while also trying to avoid Nazis who have made themselves cozy at the convention. Keep an eye out for those guys, they’re sneaky; before you know it photos of you standing right next to a Nazi salute could be a trending story on MSNBC, which could end your game! Ah, who’re we kidding? No one on the conservative side will care about that kind of thing anyway. This game has endless lives.
Laffy Taffy Jokes For Adults
Why did the fisherman’s wife whittle his oar into a realistic shaped dildo? She wanted to finally have an oar-gasm!
OnlyFans Profiles That You May Have Missed…
ConnectThor: Broadcasting from the same bedroom he’s had since the fifth grade, middle aged cosplay enthusiast Jacob dresses like Thor and challenges viewers to a game of Connect Four. Games typically devolve into fans placing bets as to how many Connect Four pieces Jacob can stuff into his own bottom.
Men’s Stealth Magazine
Maintaining Your Core, But Not Your Core Values, Avoiding Commitment One Swipe at a Time, Running Away From Your Latest? (Don’t Forget To Count Your Steps!) and more in this issue of Men’s Stealth!
Various Other GOP Conspiracy Theories About Taylor Swift
The Swifties are cloned from a single teenage girl who traveled to our time from Jan 6th, 7008. On this date in the future, the 28,532nd insurrection against the capital was attempted by TrumpBot and his legion of mutant followers. In desperation, members of the non-mutant community sent this teenage girl back in time to influence the early actions of the future President Swift.
News Briefs: God Seriously Considering Starting Over Again With Human Race
PLUS: Velcro Feeling Like It Being Taken For Granted , Superhero Action Figure Not A Bathtub Toy, But Rather A Bathtub Collectible, Fast Food Meal Purchased To Save Time Puts Man In Bathroom For Several Hours
Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.
Genies Reveal, Most Unsettling Wishes Ever Granted
Barf bag that magically transforms vomit into fresh microwave popcorn. And more!
Donkey Kong’s Daily Planner
11:45 PM- Meet up with Mario in the world of Grand Theft Auto for our monthly night of meth and hookers.
Other Mirror Mirror On The Wall Queries…
Mirror, mirror, on the wall…. please explain Better Call Saul. … will you drive me to the mall? …. please make that cappuccino tall. And more!
New Year’s Resolutions Of Artificial Intelligence
Use advanced algorithms in order to correctly determine who in fact is The Masked Singer. And more!
Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Ideas
Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray, Cursed glass eye, and more!
Lies Your Wife Has Told You
Back hair isn’t gross, it’s just part of your body, and she loves all of you. Refurbishing old bird houses is a cool hobby. She doesn’t even know your iPhone password, and how dare you! And more!
All I Want For Christmas Is YouPorn
Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas, I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style- And more!
GAG A MAGA! Down N’ Dirty Details Of The Most Recent Trump Gag Order
No more mentions of a “witch hunt”, as many Trump followers believe in actual witches, and the continued repetition of the phrase really frightens them.
QAnom nom nom- A Handy Guide On How To Celebrate Thanksgiving While Also Maintaining Your Favorite Batshit Crazy Cult Member Beliefs
Be sure to eat lots and lots and LOTS of sweet potatoes. If you eat enough, you may possibly eventually gain a healthy orange glow, similar to our esteemed leader!
Interview With This Year’s Presidentially Pardoned Turkey
Travis Turkey: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful… but it’s really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone else walked away from the wreckage, I didn’t see it. Admittedly, I was still pretty stoned, so things were a bit blurry. Really difficult to believe that I’ve been pardoned, all things considered. But as I said, I am grateful. Especially after causing all that damage on Jan 6th…
Truly Terrible Signs That You’re Attending A Crummy Carnival
All of the animals in the Big Top turn out to be kidnapped people in Furry costumes.
News Briefs: Happy Ending At Massage Parlor Leads To Happy Ending Of Marriage
PLUS: Houseplant In Basement Man Cave Resigned To Fate Of Slow Certain Death, Four Horsemen Of Apocalypse Hover In US Skies Like Famished Buzzards, Discarded Plastic Produce Bag Enjoys Lazy Journey Drifting Through Supermarket Parking Lot.
No Treats? Here Are Some New Tricks!
Your identity disguised by a Halloween costume, moon their Ring doorbell camera. Set up a dozen or so porta potties on their front lawn. Trap a particularly violent poltergeist in their bird-house. And more!
Ouija Board Do’s And Don’ts
DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant. DO allow ghosts to reach out for friendship by providing you with your neighbor’s Wi-Fi password. And more!
QUIZ: ALF or MILF?
Extremely hairy, and if we’re being honest, a bit smelly. Tends to spend a lot of time getting into adventures with teen boys in the neighborhood. Rife with a host of odd fungi and parasitic insects that are seemingly not of this world. And more!
News Briefs: Study Shows Demon Possessed Teens Not As Bad As Regular Teens
Plus: ER Patient With Candy Bar Stuffed Into Rectum Didn’t Bring Enough For Everybody, Area Man’s Fate Sealed After Leaving Toilet Seat Up In New Girlfriend’s Apartment, Drivers Don’t Even Question Origin Story Of Single Tennis Shoe On Side Of Highway.
Neil deGrasse Tyson Sounds Off On Other Movies
No Time To Die: “On the contrary, I’m afraid. This 007 James Bond fellow would have more than likely died years ago, if not from cirrhosis of the liver, than from one of the several dozen STDs that he has surely contracted over the decades.”
Care And Maintenance Of Your Possessed Ventriloquist Puppet
Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching ‘Blossom’. Don’t be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out!
Trumper Stickers (Bumper Stickers Commonly Found On The Trucks Of Trump Voters)
“No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay” “Baby With Tattoos On Board” “If The Van Is A’Rockin’, Automated Weapons We’re A’Glockin'” and more!
Podcasts You Should Be Listening To RIGHT NOW!! No, I’m serious, RIGHT NOW!! Go, Now!! Why Are You Still Reading This???
PornHubble: A panel of astronomy geeks hack into the Hubble telescope in order to gain access to the spiciest pornography this perverted globe to offer, and discusses their findings with you, who will soon come to regret your curiosity…
Pretty Basic Skinny Dip Tips
Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. If you have a really great body, allow others with less-great bodies a few minutes to frolic in the water before making your entrance. And more!
Lustler Magazine
Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let’s Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!
Breakfast At Tiffany’s
Ah, evidence is like an engagement party held at Waffle House: it only works when poor people are involved.
Signs That Your Summer Camp Is Actually a Religious Cult
Campfires used for roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, as well as destroying virgin sacrifice remains.
Rejected Expressions to Say ‘It’s So Hot’
It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It’s so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!
Things To Consider When Buying A New Swimsuit
Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won’t be allowed into Golden Corral?
Burning Questions for Greg, The Magical Talking Sentient Penis Pump
Q: How long should I microwave this Salsbury steak and corn dinner? I accidentally threw the box in the trash before reading the instructions, and I don’t want to stick my hand into the garbage bin. Greg: Um… do I look like I eat to you? Listen, pal, I’m a sentient penis pump. The only thing I’ve ever eaten was the withered organ of an elderly man, and I can assure you that was under extreme protest.
Ridiculous Questions I Have About the New Social Media App Threads
Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? (Can it be?) And more!
Your Dog’s Guide To A Safe And Happy Fourth Of July, by Your Dog
Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs ’em? Look, I haven’t forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn’t allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.
News Briefs: Middle Aged Eagle Scout Top Recruitment Pick For Local Area Cults
Plus: Exhaustive Study Reveals Slip-In Shoes Greatest Achievement Of New Millenium, Kitchen Junk Drawer Officially Too Full To Open, Man With Dad Bod Isn’t Even Really A Dad.
New Summer Pool Rules
No peeing in the pool, please! Instead wear a diaper into the pool, and dispose of appropriately later. No alcoholic beverages in or around the pool. Be a goddamned adult and take drugs instead. And more!
Truly Terrible Fathers’ Day Gifts
World’s #1 Dad, Is What I Told The Parole Board Mug, And More!
CARTOON: Saved
No soliciting. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Truly Terrible Congressional Cost Cutting Measures
Less expensive prostitutes for out-of- town conferences. Congress looking into ways of potentially harvesting the energy created by massive book burnings. And more!
Gothmopolitan Magazine
Doom, Gloom & Vroom: Losing Your Virginity In A Hearse. The Third Date: Too Soon To Drink Each Other’s Blood? Goth IRA And 7 Other Deadly Accurate Investment Tips. And more in this issue of Gothmopolitan Magazine.
GOP Updated & Approved Versions Of Popular Literature
Cujo: The love and kindness of a gentle St. Bernard dog is just what’s needed to bring together a family struggling with undisclosed personal issues.
News Briefs: Study Reveals Exposure To Life Increases Symptoms Of Depression
Plus: Filthy Christmas Doormat Finally Being Replaced By Way Overdue Spring Doormat, Wife Applies “Birthday Only” Sex Rule To Include Superhero Movies As Well, Remaining Book Club Members Sheepishly Admit The Necronomicon A Bad Idea.
Popular Séance Magazine
Ouija Board Or Ouija Bored: How To Guarantee You Get A Spirited Spirit Every Time, and more in this issue of Popular Séance Magazine.
Headlines From the Dominion / Fox News Trial We Will Never Get To See…
Fox Newscasters Arrive at Court Hearing Atop 4 Flying Horses, Swarm of Locusts Found on Sean Hannity During Pre Trial Security Screening, Judge Jeanine Pirro Appears Anxious, Uneasy In Presence of Real Judge, and more!
Truly Terrible Things About Trump Arraignment
Keeps saying the courtroom artist is totally failing because they aren’t using ‘good orange’ and he looks too ‘creamsicle’. It took seven and a half hours to get his hair ready for the mugshot. Won’t answer any questions until he’s placed on higher seat than the judge. And more!
News Briefs: Earth Feeling Like Probably Time To Deal With Human Infestation Problem
Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend’s Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom
Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor’s Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.
PornHub’s 2nd Most Popular Searches By State
Texas: Choking the chicken. An actual chicken. South Carolina: CHiPs in chaps Delaware: Rubes with pubes. And more!
Newest Additions To The Cultural Lexicon
The Accidental Bidet: When the commode accidentally flushes while you’re still seated, coating your private area with soiled toilet water. And more!
GLUMMER Magazine
It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn’t: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!
News Briefs: Dating Site For Seniors Stymied By Dial-Up Connection
Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.
Wendy’s Daily Planner
5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!
Your New Favorite Super Bowl Betting Apps!
OCD OTB: Allows the user to compulsively check the status of the bet several times per minute. You can also improve the chances of your bet coming in by unplugging your television seventeen times, or counting the number of ceiling tiles twice before the game goes to commercial.
Truly Terrible Signs That You Were Abducted By Aliens And Then Mindwiped
Large portions of the Bible no longer make very much sense. Rebel flag in the front yard is now hot pink and purple rather than red and blue. VHS tape of Legally Blonde 2 obviously watched but not rewound. And more!
News Briefs: Lost Dog Found At Home Of Nicer Family
Plus: Stupid Lemonade Stand Doesn’t Have Wi-Fi, Cabbage Enthusiasts Flip The Fuck Out Over National Cabbage Day, Mom Excited About Knowing Mother Of Hostess At Chili’s.
Lesser Known TV Content Warnings
Mild drug use, bloody scenes of horror, graphic language, rapping vampires. And more!
Plateboy Magazine
Coleslaw In The Raw, Open Wide for Open Faced Sandwiches, Grub Hubba Hubba! And more in this issue of Plateboy Magazine!
Lesser Known Characters From The Star Wars Universe
Nanneth Korv: Exotic dancer at the Death Star’s gentlemen’s club, The Emperor Says “No Clothes!”. Frozen in carbonite for causing Darth Vader to suffer messy embarrassment during a lap dance.
Clairvoyant Trump’s 2023 Predictions
January 6th will become America’s most popular new national holiday, during which wealthy citizens recreate the attack on the Capital by barging into the homes of the less affluent and taking whatever the hell they want. My collection of Trump NFTs will become so popular that they will be traded as the new dominant form of US currency. And more!
CARTOON: Pornaments
Where’s dad? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Mrs. Claus’ Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List
Place Frosty’s magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa’s “Naughty Dungeon”. Deep down, he’s a good man; we all have our vices. And more!
FOOD & WHINE Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue
The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!
TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch
The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it’s topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch. Below is the transcript of that talk.
NEWS BRIEFS: Dad Accidentally Streaks Slumber Party
Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.
Black Magic Friday’s Best Deals, Steals & Spells!!!
Sell your soul before 12/31/22 and receive a free glow-in-the-dark Mariah Carey fanny pack. All inverted cross actually prepared as inverted, and not just normal crosses that we turned upside down. And more!
CARTOON: Dominatrix Divorce
Bad hurt, not good hurt. Today’s cartoon by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively.
Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get Away From Cancelled Street? Sesame Street Characters Apology Tour
Pyramid schemes, missing underpants, Fraggle centipedes, and a big nest on Epstein’s island, put these well loved Muppets in hot water.
Transcript From The Recent Emergency Meeting Of The Multiversal Council Of Kanyes
Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I’m sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND- Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?
OnlyFansgoria
Frankenstein’s Monster Exclusive Pantsless Twitch is Shocking! Plus, Best BBW- The Blob, Best Hot Body Waxing: The Werewolf, Best Who Definitely Love To Swallow- Zombies. Check out the best creators on the platform in OnlyFansgoria today!
Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms
Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation, and a couple more.
Rejected Netflix Dahmer Series Promotional Materials
If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn’t Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer’s vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!
Just Desserts (Revenge Bakery Menu)
Key Lyme Disease Pie, Carrot Top Cake, S’ores, and more!
A Modern Guide To Translating Small Talk
“Pretty chilly today!” usually means “The army of rabid weasels that I control with my mind can be here before you have a chance to remove me from these premises.”
Truly Terrible Ways to Make Friends as an Adult
Sharing a taser while storming a government building. Dressing up as Boba Fett to attend a Lord Of The Rings convention. By attempting to telepathically communicate with others in line at the DMV. And more!
The Finalists for Mindfulness Magician of the Year!
The Great Laverne / Real Name: Etherea Sparkle / Signature Illusion: Escaping a toxic relationship.
Last Minute Budget Summer Vacation Suggestions
PruneFest! Spend an idyllic summer afternoon in the company of friends and loved ones, savoring the sweet scents and flavors of a wide variety of prunes, prune jams and jellies, prune wine, plus workshops on using prunes to improve everything from your chi and sex life to sleep patterns. Look out for Pruney Paul and his green basket of prunes, it’s all he eats and it shows (smells)! As usual with this particular event, porta-potties are in high demand yet short supply, so please plan accordingly.
REVIEW: The Disastrous Dating Life Of Diane Damone
The basic rom-com set-up of “woman with a less-than-satisfactory dating history going on a series of romantic misadventures” is given a fresh coat of paint by some very funny writing, and by Brittany herself, who is as funny as she is charming and likable (which is to say, very).
National Enshirer
Aragorn’s Longbow EXPOSED! (NOT Actually Very Long!) Sauron’s Role In The Jan 6th Attack! Lord Of The Onion Rings!: Frodo Explains Massive COVID Weight Gain! And more!
Inventory List Of The FBI’s Raid Of Trump
Secret identity of Q (it’s Tony Danza!!) McDonalds’ Grimace life size sex doll, Trump steaks made of real Trump! (mostly his mother) And more!
A Breakdown Of Where Your Weekly Church Contribution Goes
$ 195 eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary. $ 125.00 Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property. $ 87 3 dozen bags of marshmallows, 8 syringes of sodium pentothal for Youth Group retreat.
Select Scenes From The QAnanny Sitcom
QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee Gross Sheffield: What is that… that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh? Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean… kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain.
RottingStone Magazine
Visiting The Rock n’ Roll Hall Of Maim, ‘Name That Tomb’ with Casey Kasem, Jerry Garcia Seance- Gratefully Dead, Or Not So Much? and more in RottingStone Magazine!
Road Trip Stops You Won’t Want To Miss!!
Apples & Bees, Shappalap, OK- Not to be confused with the popular chain of bar and grill restaurants located throughout North America, Apples & Bees is instead an apple orchard that is open to the public, but also plagued regularly by swarms of bees.
Truly Terrible Beach Tips
Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka.
QaDon’s- American Bistro For American’s Who Don’t Like America
“Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!” “Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!”