Sources close to The Ancient One are assuring fans that the stoning of the season 42 Bachelorette cast will be televised via pay per view, with premium followers allowed the opportunity to bid for particularly sharp rocks to be thrown at the cast.
Your section of the Zoom meeting screen has been replaced by a skull and crossbones. And more!
This Sign Is Heavy!, Close Your Mouth, I Can Hear You Breathing, Please Ask Me About My New Tattoos, and more!
So when Santa finally agreed to roll up his sleeves—and, in one case, significantly more than that—to explain the ink, it wasn’t a flex. It was a reckoning. Love, loss, vengeance, and at least one inter-holiday beef that absolutely never made it into the carols. Here, in his own hoarse, cocoa-stained words, Santa gives the 411 on the tattoos he can’t outlive—and wouldn’t laser off even if he could.
Home Alone 6: Still hurting over his small role in the second film in the series, Trump takes center stage as a president defending the areas of the White House currently being destroyed against a trio of thugs pardoned by Trump for their Jan 6 involvement.
As you have no doubt noticed, our country is going through big changes, because as you all know, sometimes the smallest pricks can cast the longest shadows. And today, that shadow is President Donald Trump. I’m sorry, I may still be a little drunk.
Coming soon to the Kennedy Center!! And after getting here, you just know that they won’t leave willingly! It’s…. ICE On Ice!
Prior to the implementation of barf bags in most major airlines, airsick passengers were asked to roll down their own windows and vomit outside.
It’s raining, it’s pouring,
The old man is snoring.
He’s on CNN,
Passed out again.
Exhausted from crypto whoring.
Voodoo RealDoll: Okay, yeah, not an actual magical occult item, that’s true. But dammit, planning otherworldly revenge on one’s ex can at times be a lonely existence.
“Okay, that’s my mom’s collection of Hummel figurines, please be cool! She would freak out if she knew they had been inside your bottom.”
Epstein: TRUUUUMMP… I need to show you the error of your ways… your regretful actions manifest and made flesh, behold, you foul beast!! Is this really your bed?
Throw it into a dark, mysterious alley and see if it opens a Hellgate. Use as part of the tip for your favorite stripper. And more!
Female breasts with so many tattoos that you can’t even really see them.
50% Approval
50% Disapproval
Operation Love Me Daddy, Operation Dumbo Drop Bomb, Operation Trumpenheimer, and more!
Patsy and Butch: Met at a Denny’s two miles down the road from the drug rehab center where they had both been just released; three days later now and they’re engaged to be married and are planning on starting a satanic cult together. And more!
Trump smells so bad people call Air Force One… Air Fart One. Trump was going to offer a retirement stock account called a 401KKK. Trump isn’t the Antichrist, but he he does owe him money. And more!
King For A Day: Contestants compete in a series of challenges in order to get the chance to spend a day with President Trump. In most cases on a day when there are serious security concerns about the president’s safety at public speaking events.
Satan works diligently behind a large, ornate desk. A sultry female demon sashays into the office, followed by what at first appears to be a particularly ragged and foul-smelling soul of the damned.
Holy water now provided by White Claw.
Meth:
Pro- No more teeth means no more high priced solid foods! Don’t worry, generic cheese whiz and baby food are much easier to steal when making your weekly decongestant run.
Con- Have you seen how the cost for homes, even trailer homes, are shooting through the mysteriously stained roof? Who can afford to have their home blow up anymore?
Attila The Hun: Made sure to check with his men for possible nut allergies before whipping up a fresh batch of brownies. When it came to a properly maintained torture space, his rule of thumb was “incense and mints!”.
All Neckties!: Whether for the holidays or just a night on the town for a scheduled political conditioning display, we have what you need! Please note, all neckties, electrical chords, garden hose extensions and bits of rope are available only following a week long waiting period during times of widespread financial distress and market turmoil.
Jacqueline Onassis wasn’t genuinely too upset about being splashed with the blood and brain matter of her husband, but was “significantly perturbed” by ample amounts of same finding their way into her blueberry yogurt.
Holding hands while enjoying one another’s company during a romantic walk is an excellent way to build onto that initial spark of attraction. Of course, don’t wander beyond the perimeter of the electric security gate or camp personnel will have no other choice than to shoot both of you on sight.
Horny Smurfette: Gets paid to show her Smurf online on her OnlySmurfs account. Most notoriously streamed video of herself Smurfing over a hundred Smurfs.
Double Half Cup Cappuccino With Double Purple Hairs Of Barista…
The Blade Of Infinite Darkness needs a replaced charge cord in order to return darkness to infinite status, but is otherwise in good condition.
CUPID: Okay , this is where the confusion comes in… The love IS the gift, get it? What you do with that gift is up to you. No refunds. WH: It’s true, I’ve never gotten a bad case of chlamydia from a gift in my Christmas stocking.
“Ashleigh, I want your militia to meet my militia.”
A Dark Reckoning: One of the investigators sounds just like your brother Thomas. The same inflections and everything! Tell him that I said hi when you see him, is he still seeing that one girl?
2nd Commandment: Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain, which is definitely a big one. Unless you’re willing to cut me in on the deal and let me get my beak wet, then you can take it in vain to your heart’s content. Let’s set up a meeting.
10th Base: Teaching your crab lice to make their own OnlyFans account to help pay for groceries and other household expenses.
Bachelor Island: Do you believe that a few decades ago people used to watch The Bachelor?? Jesus Christ. Anyway, at least it means that we have this much superior show now, where former contestants from The Bachelor are hunted for sport on an island owned by ugly guys who were bullied in high school but are rich and resentful now.
Eat more scorpions. And more!
Rather than the Cub Scouts, your parents have you join the Crips.
Hey, glad to see everyone! How’s everybody doing tonight? I see Frosty was able to get out of rehab in order to be here. Could somebody check, I guarantee you that he’s at least fifty percent frozen alcohol right now. A walking, talking pina colada – Please Frosty, just let the hat fall off and leave it at that. Jesus.
Truly believes that God sent Donald Trump to lead America, and yet still chooses to be a Christian anyway.
Mad Libtards: While stopping for dinner at a Cracker Barrel in the middle of nowhere (there was literally no other place within 50 miles, sue me), how many times and in different ways do the locals use the word “libtard” to describe basic acts of human decency? Too many to count, get the fuck out of there!!
Priddy And Sons Dental: 2 crowns for the price of one, bonus X-ray rewards program benefits, only cursory groping and less than half a dozen unlawful photos taken by dentist and assistants.
A Nightmare On 34th St: Fearing that he will flicker out of existence soon, Freddy enlists the aid of the little girl and the lawyer who proved that Santa was real in Miracle On 34th St. Includes the notorious scene where Freddy invades Santa’s dreamscape and forces him to watch his mother playing with herself.
Could this stall be the setting of our meet cute? And more!
Okay, first of all, I’m not being reactionary here; this is not an excuse to be dramatic and throw a hissy fit. But the current situation in my love life has become untenable, and I have therefore been forced into a corner where my only option is to build a towering, securely built wall around my heart. And this wall will contain a glory hole.
Art shows up to murder aimlessly for only several days typically, spending the remainder of his time selling handmade cheese graters on Etsy.
Crack O’ Lantern: You’ve heard about using an apple as a bong, but how about using a hollow pumpkin for smoking some crack? Just don’t do it on your front porch, maybe.
Each nominee answers questions from a dunk tank seat. And more!
Casual dining. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
There should be plenty of snacks available. Unsliced cucumbers have proven very popular at my events.
“Hey, thanks for being a fan!
Now please get into the van.
Enjoy a blunt I just rolled,
And I’ll apply this lil blindfold.”
Please don’t bring guns into my woods. They’re just not safe. If you know how to use a gun properly, that’s great, but c’mon… accidents do happen. And we all know that bullets can’t hurt me anyway, so just don’t even bother.
For each out and out, obvious lie that Trump makes, allow one tiny drop from a pre-measured eye dropper to fall into your mouth. Just one, it’s going to be a long night!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with faking your own death and hiding from your family.
Batman #758
Commissioner Gordon uses the Bat-Signal to ask Batman if he can borrow the cowl and cape for his weekly sex night with Mrs. Gordon.
Jolly Fish: A young but brilliant marine biologist discovers a method of making jelly fish as docile as pets, but things go from bad to worse when the jelly fish begin humping legs.
Stuck in an invisible box? Light up & Chill, High on Silence: Do those clowns ever shut up? Mime
Craft: Stoner Mimes Talk Favorite Video Games. And more in High Mimes Magazine!
Do your research to see if anyone was ever murdered in the car. If so, the ghosts of the victims may not get along with the ghosts of the people who you plan to murder in the car.
8:43am – 9:36am Crawl out from beneath pile of toys in this stupid asshole kid’s toy chest. Fucking heavy and unwieldy Deluxe Simon game!
Please do not display your voodoo doll with your Beanie Babies; it’s just insulting.
Here are a few simple facts ,
Re sculpting with ear wax:
It requires a gentle touch ,
And this may be a bit much,
But makes delicious snacks.
Your charred skull could possibly be used as a centerpiece at super fancy robot parties! And more.
Pickled Antichrist Placenta: Sharpens up your tennis swing. Skin Shavings From Recently Deflowered Warlock: Up to 50% off your regular car insurance. And more!
Bringing a Ouija board to a seance is like bringing a lice comb to an orgy; it’s bad form, just don’t do it.
Holy Headwear. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Anal Bee’s: I have since discovered that this should have been “anal beads” rather than “anal bees”. The former sounds pretty nice, actually. Don’t make my mistake of attempting to stuff a handful of live bees into your rectum, that’s all I’m saying.
“Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies.” “Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library.” “Militia meeting ran late.” And more!
100 Most Beautiful Poops, Plus 65 more Celeb BM’s, Holy Sh%T! The Pope talks poop with Poople! Dropping A Deuce With Bruce; See Why He’s Called The Boss, Yes Rock, We Smell What You’re Cooking! Skid Marks The Spot! Name The Celebrity Based On Their Soiled Underpants. And more in this issue of Poople Magazine!
Trump Takes Pet Rock To Baseball Game Instead Of Eric, Ranch Dressing Fountains Placed Into Trump Apartment Bathrooms, And more!
Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. And more!
MAGA gets: Wal Mart Everyone else gets: Target // MAGA gets: Book burning. Everyone else gets: Burning carbs. And more!
Several books in this version of the Bible are presented Mad Libs style. Many more bits featuring Jesus hanging out with prostitutes. The Ten Commandments now officially designated as “fake news”. And more!
PLUS:
Shower Head Feels Weird About Relationship With Female Owner
Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Laptop Computer Not Crazy About Sitting On Man’s Crotch During Late Night Porno Surfing
Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.
Dave the Unicorn: Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes? Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot: Well hang on for a second. Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times? What the hell is that? When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club.
Tessie Tickles: Host of the right wing podcast Tessie Gets Messy, which is less a talk show than a series of racist and /or homophobic diatribes. So kind of like FOX News if it were broadcast from the poorly lit back porch of a lime green trailer.
CPAC-Man: You’re CPAC-Man, darting around the maze-like corridors of CPAC, gobbling up donor funds and seedy political favors while also trying to avoid Nazis who have made themselves cozy at the convention. Keep an eye out for those guys, they’re sneaky; before you know it photos of you standing right next to a Nazi salute could be a trending story on MSNBC, which could end your game! Ah, who’re we kidding? No one on the conservative side will care about that kind of thing anyway. This game has endless lives.
Why did the fisherman’s wife whittle his oar into a realistic shaped dildo? She wanted to finally have an oar-gasm!
ConnectThor: Broadcasting from the same bedroom he’s had since the fifth grade, middle aged cosplay enthusiast Jacob dresses like Thor and challenges viewers to a game of Connect Four. Games typically devolve into fans placing bets as to how many Connect Four pieces Jacob can stuff into his own bottom.
Maintaining Your Core, But Not Your Core Values, Avoiding Commitment One Swipe at a Time, Running Away From Your Latest? (Don’t Forget To Count Your Steps!) and more in this issue of Men’s Stealth!
The Swifties are cloned from a single teenage girl who traveled to our time from Jan 6th, 7008. On this date in the future, the 28,532nd insurrection against the capital was attempted by TrumpBot and his legion of mutant followers. In desperation, members of the non-mutant community sent this teenage girl back in time to influence the early actions of the future President Swift.
PLUS: Velcro Feeling Like It Being Taken For Granted , Superhero Action Figure Not A Bathtub Toy, But Rather A Bathtub Collectible, Fast Food Meal Purchased To Save Time Puts Man In Bathroom For Several Hours
Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.
Barf bag that magically transforms vomit into fresh microwave popcorn. And more!
11:45 PM- Meet up with Mario in the world of Grand Theft Auto for our monthly night of meth and hookers.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall…. please explain Better Call Saul. … will you drive me to the mall? …. please make that cappuccino tall. And more!
Use advanced algorithms in order to correctly determine who in fact is The Masked Singer. And more!
Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray, Cursed glass eye, and more!
Back hair isn’t gross, it’s just part of your body, and she loves all of you. Refurbishing old bird houses is a cool hobby. She doesn’t even know your iPhone password, and how dare you! And more!
Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas, I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style- And more!
No more mentions of a “witch hunt”, as many Trump followers believe in actual witches, and the continued repetition of the phrase really frightens them.
Be sure to eat lots and lots and LOTS of sweet potatoes. If you eat enough, you may possibly eventually gain a healthy orange glow, similar to our esteemed leader!
Travis Turkey: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful… but it’s really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone else walked away from the wreckage, I didn’t see it. Admittedly, I was still pretty stoned, so things were a bit blurry. Really difficult to believe that I’ve been pardoned, all things considered. But as I said, I am grateful. Especially after causing all that damage on Jan 6th…
All of the animals in the Big Top turn out to be kidnapped people in Furry costumes.
PLUS: Houseplant In Basement Man Cave Resigned To Fate Of Slow Certain Death, Four Horsemen Of Apocalypse Hover In US Skies Like Famished Buzzards, Discarded Plastic Produce Bag Enjoys Lazy Journey Drifting Through Supermarket Parking Lot.
Your identity disguised by a Halloween costume, moon their Ring doorbell camera. Set up a dozen or so porta potties on their front lawn. Trap a particularly violent poltergeist in their bird-house. And more!
DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant. DO allow ghosts to reach out for friendship by providing you with your neighbor’s Wi-Fi password. And more!
Extremely hairy, and if we’re being honest, a bit smelly. Tends to spend a lot of time getting into adventures with teen boys in the neighborhood. Rife with a host of odd fungi and parasitic insects that are seemingly not of this world. And more!
Plus: ER Patient With Candy Bar Stuffed Into Rectum Didn’t Bring Enough For Everybody, Area Man’s Fate Sealed After Leaving Toilet Seat Up In New Girlfriend’s Apartment, Drivers Don’t Even Question Origin Story Of Single Tennis Shoe On Side Of Highway.
No Time To Die: “On the contrary, I’m afraid. This 007 James Bond fellow would have more than likely died years ago, if not from cirrhosis of the liver, than from one of the several dozen STDs that he has surely contracted over the decades.”
Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching ‘Blossom’. Don’t be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out!
“No Fat Chicks, Fat Presidents Are Okay” “Baby With Tattoos On Board” “If The Van Is A’Rockin’, Automated Weapons We’re A’Glockin'” and more!
PornHubble: A panel of astronomy geeks hack into the Hubble telescope in order to gain access to the spiciest pornography this perverted globe to offer, and discusses their findings with you, who will soon come to regret your curiosity…
Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. If you have a really great body, allow others with less-great bodies a few minutes to frolic in the water before making your entrance. And more!
Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let’s Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!
Ah, evidence is like an engagement party held at Waffle House: it only works when poor people are involved.
Campfires used for roasting marshmallows and hot dogs, as well as destroying virgin sacrifice remains.
It’s so hot my weed smoked itself. It’s so hot farmers are harvesting corn already popped. It’s so hot my soup gave me brain freeze. And more!
Is this skimpy enough to attract desired attention, but not so skimpy that you won’t be allowed into Golden Corral?
Q: How long should I microwave this Salsbury steak and corn dinner? I accidentally threw the box in the trash before reading the instructions, and I don’t want to stick my hand into the garbage bin. Greg: Um… do I look like I eat to you? Listen, pal, I’m a sentient penis pump. The only thing I’ve ever eaten was the withered organ of an elderly man, and I can assure you that was under extreme protest.
Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? (Can it be?) And more!
Fireworks, right? Ugh. Who needs ’em? Look, I haven’t forgotten about the incident with the rug last year, and I know that your mate hasn’t allowed you to forget either. No one wants a repeat of that.
Plus: Exhaustive Study Reveals Slip-In Shoes Greatest Achievement Of New Millenium, Kitchen Junk Drawer Officially Too Full To Open, Man With Dad Bod Isn’t Even Really A Dad.
No peeing in the pool, please! Instead wear a diaper into the pool, and dispose of appropriately later. No alcoholic beverages in or around the pool. Be a goddamned adult and take drugs instead. And more!
World’s #1 Dad, Is What I Told The Parole Board Mug, And More!
No soliciting. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.
Less expensive prostitutes for out-of- town conferences. Congress looking into ways of potentially harvesting the energy created by massive book burnings. And more!
Doom, Gloom & Vroom: Losing Your Virginity In A Hearse. The Third Date: Too Soon To Drink Each Other’s Blood? Goth IRA And 7 Other Deadly Accurate Investment Tips. And more in this issue of Gothmopolitan Magazine.
Cujo: The love and kindness of a gentle St. Bernard dog is just what’s needed to bring together a family struggling with undisclosed personal issues.
Plus: Filthy Christmas Doormat Finally Being Replaced By Way Overdue Spring Doormat, Wife Applies “Birthday Only” Sex Rule To Include Superhero Movies As Well, Remaining Book Club Members Sheepishly Admit The Necronomicon A Bad Idea.
Ouija Board Or Ouija Bored: How To Guarantee You Get A Spirited Spirit Every Time, and more in this issue of Popular Séance Magazine.
Fox Newscasters Arrive at Court Hearing Atop 4 Flying Horses, Swarm of Locusts Found on Sean Hannity During Pre Trial Security Screening, Judge Jeanine Pirro Appears Anxious, Uneasy In Presence of Real Judge, and more!
Keeps saying the courtroom artist is totally failing because they aren’t using ‘good orange’ and he looks too ‘creamsicle’. It took seven and a half hours to get his hair ready for the mugshot. Won’t answer any questions until he’s placed on higher seat than the judge. And more!
Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend’s Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom
Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor’s Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.
Texas: Choking the chicken. An actual chicken. South Carolina: CHiPs in chaps Delaware: Rubes with pubes. And more!
The Accidental Bidet: When the commode accidentally flushes while you’re still seated, coating your private area with soiled toilet water. And more!
It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn’t: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!
Plus: Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Woman Being Baptized In River Should Have Worn A Bra, Lunch Fast Food Bag Placed In Back Seat Of Car To Make Room For Dinner Fast Food Bag.
5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!
OCD OTB: Allows the user to compulsively check the status of the bet several times per minute. You can also improve the chances of your bet coming in by unplugging your television seventeen times, or counting the number of ceiling tiles twice before the game goes to commercial.
Large portions of the Bible no longer make very much sense. Rebel flag in the front yard is now hot pink and purple rather than red and blue. VHS tape of Legally Blonde 2 obviously watched but not rewound. And more!
Plus: Stupid Lemonade Stand Doesn’t Have Wi-Fi, Cabbage Enthusiasts Flip The Fuck Out Over National Cabbage Day, Mom Excited About Knowing Mother Of Hostess At Chili’s.
Mild drug use, bloody scenes of horror, graphic language, rapping vampires. And more!
Coleslaw In The Raw, Open Wide for Open Faced Sandwiches, Grub Hubba Hubba! And more in this issue of Plateboy Magazine!
Nanneth Korv: Exotic dancer at the Death Star’s gentlemen’s club, The Emperor Says “No Clothes!”. Frozen in carbonite for causing Darth Vader to suffer messy embarrassment during a lap dance.
January 6th will become America’s most popular new national holiday, during which wealthy citizens recreate the attack on the Capital by barging into the homes of the less affluent and taking whatever the hell they want. My collection of Trump NFTs will become so popular that they will be traded as the new dominant form of US currency. And more!
Where’s dad? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.
Place Frosty’s magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa’s “Naughty Dungeon”. Deep down, he’s a good man; we all have our vices. And more!
The 12 Days of Crisis, Holding A Fudge Grudge, Drunk Uncle Or Eccentric Relative: How Large Is The Will? and more in Food & Whine Magazine: Captured by the Holidays Issue!
The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it’s topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch. Below is the transcript of that talk.
Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.
Sell your soul before 12/31/22 and receive a free glow-in-the-dark Mariah Carey fanny pack. All inverted cross actually prepared as inverted, and not just normal crosses that we turned upside down. And more!
Bad hurt, not good hurt. Today’s cartoon by Ivan Ehlers and Kit Lively.
Pyramid schemes, missing underpants, Fraggle centipedes, and a big nest on Epstein’s island, put these well loved Muppets in hot water.
Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I’m sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND- Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?
Frankenstein’s Monster Exclusive Pantsless Twitch is Shocking! Plus, Best BBW- The Blob, Best Hot Body Waxing: The Werewolf, Best Who Definitely Love To Swallow- Zombies. Check out the best creators on the platform in OnlyFansgoria today!
Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation, and a couple more.
If You Can Read This, Jeffrey Dahmer Didn’t Eat Your Eyeballs bumper sticker. Dahmer’s vegetarian surprise recipe (made totally from a vegetarian). And sadly, more!