Entries by Kit Lively


Cartoons

CARTOON: Divine Fashion

Holy Headwear. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.

Originals

Your Partner’s Complaints About Popular Sex Toys 

Anal Bee’s: I have since discovered that this should have been “anal beads” rather than “anal bees”.    The former sounds pretty nice, actually.  Don’t make my mistake of attempting to stuff a handful of live bees into your rectum, that’s all I’m saying. 

Originals

Modern Day School Absence Excuses

“Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies.” “Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library.” “Militia meeting ran late.” And more!

Magazine Rack

Poople Magazine

100 Most Beautiful Poops, Plus 65 more Celeb BM’s, Holy Sh%T! The Pope talks poop with Poople! Dropping A Deuce With Bruce; See Why He’s Called The Boss, Yes Rock, We Smell What You’re Cooking! Skid Marks The Spot! Name The Celebrity Based On Their Soiled Underpants. And more in this issue of Poople Magazine!

Originals

Why Are The Trump Jurors Being Excused?

Preferred Schwarzenegger on The Apprentice. Appears to be an actual Christian, rather than a Trump Christian. Elderly man with full head of hair and a naturally healthy complexion. And more!

Originals

Who Gets What in the Divorce of America

MAGA gets: Wal Mart  Everyone else gets: Target // MAGA gets:  Book burning. Everyone else gets:  Burning carbs. And more!

Originals

Other New Additions To Trump’s Bible

Several books in this version of the Bible are presented Mad Libs style. Many more bits featuring Jesus hanging out with prostitutes. The Ten Commandments now officially designated as “fake news”. And more!

News Briefs

News Briefs: Employees Of Weed Shop Keep Forgetting To Charge Customers

PLUS:
Shower Head Feels Weird About Relationship With Female Owner
Man Hides Liquor Bottle In Same Place He Used To Hide Ex-Wife’s Christmas Presents, Laptop Computer Not Crazy About Sitting On Man’s Crotch During Late Night Porno Surfing
Weekly Humorist News Briefs, Breaking News, Into Little Pieces.

Originals

Mythological Creatures Bi-Annual Pop Culture Round-Table

Dave the Unicorn:   Okay, are we ready to go ahead with the minutes?   Is everyone here yet? Bigfoot:   Well hang on for a second.   Speaking of minutes, could we take a few to talk about this sparkling glitter that seems to float around you at all times?   What the hell is that?    When we finish our meetings, the floor looks like 2 AM when they turn the lights on at a strip club.

Originals

MAGAts- Your Guide To Trump Loving Right Wing Extremists

Tessie Tickles: Host of the right wing podcast Tessie Gets Messy, which is less a talk show than a series of racist and /or homophobic diatribes.    So kind of like FOX News if it were broadcast from the poorly lit back porch of a lime green trailer. 

Originals

GOPlayer One Go!

CPAC-Man: You’re CPAC-Man, darting around the maze-like corridors of CPAC, gobbling up donor funds and seedy political favors while also trying to avoid Nazis who have made themselves cozy at the convention.    Keep an eye out for those guys, they’re sneaky; before you know it photos of you standing right next to a Nazi salute could be a trending story on MSNBC, which could end your game!    Ah, who’re we kidding?   No one on the conservative side will care about that kind of thing anyway.   This game has endless lives.

Originals

Laffy Taffy Jokes For Adults

Why did the fisherman’s wife whittle his oar into a realistic shaped dildo? She wanted to finally have an oar-gasm!

Originals

OnlyFans Profiles That You May Have Missed…

ConnectThor: Broadcasting from the same bedroom he’s had since the fifth grade, middle aged cosplay enthusiast Jacob dresses like Thor and challenges viewers to a game of Connect Four.    Games typically devolve into fans placing bets as to how many Connect Four pieces Jacob can stuff into his own bottom.

Magazine Rack

Men’s Stealth Magazine

Maintaining Your Core, But Not Your Core Values, Avoiding Commitment One Swipe at a Time, Running Away From Your Latest? (Don’t Forget To Count Your Steps!) and more in this issue of Men’s Stealth!

Originals

Various Other GOP Conspiracy Theories About Taylor Swift

The Swifties are cloned from a single teenage girl who traveled to our time from Jan 6th, 7008.    On this date in the future, the 28,532nd insurrection against the capital was attempted by TrumpBot and his legion of mutant followers.    In desperation, members of the non-mutant community sent this teenage girl back in time to influence the early actions of the future President Swift.

Originals

Donkey Kong’s Daily Planner

11:45 PM-   Meet up with Mario in the world of Grand Theft Auto for our monthly night of meth and hookers.

Originals

Other Mirror Mirror On The Wall Queries…

Mirror, mirror, on the wall…. please explain Better Call Saul. … will you drive me to the mall? …. please make that cappuccino tall. And more!

Originals

Last Minute Stocking Stuffer Ideas

Can of protective / defensive Holiday Pepper(mint) Spray, Cursed glass eye, and more!

Originals

Lies Your Wife Has Told You

Back hair isn’t gross, it’s just part of your body, and she loves all of you. Refurbishing old bird houses is a cool hobby. She doesn’t even know your iPhone password, and how dare you! And more!

Originals

All I Want For Christmas Is YouPorn

Elf On A MILF; Stepmom Into Christmas, I Came Upon A Midnight Rear; Noggy Style- And more!

Originals

Interview With This Year’s Presidentially Pardoned Turkey

Travis Turkey: I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful… but it’s really bizarre, frankly. I had definitely had way over the amount that night, and if anyone else walked away from the wreckage, I didn’t see it. Admittedly, I was still pretty stoned, so things were a bit blurry. Really difficult to believe that I’ve been pardoned, all things considered. But as I said, I am grateful. Especially after causing all that damage on Jan 6th…

Originals

No Treats?  Here Are Some New Tricks!

Your identity disguised by a Halloween costume, moon their Ring doorbell camera. Set up a dozen or so porta potties on their front lawn. Trap a particularly violent poltergeist in their bird-house. And more!

Originals

Ouija Board Do’s And Don’ts

DONT use your Ouija as a cheese board during a supernatural-themed dinner party, particularly if the ghosts you will be contacting are lactose intolerant. DO allow ghosts to reach out for friendship by providing you with your neighbor’s Wi-Fi password. And more!

Originals

QUIZ: ALF or MILF?

Extremely hairy, and if we’re being honest, a bit smelly. Tends to spend a lot of time getting into adventures with teen boys in the neighborhood. Rife with a host of odd fungi and parasitic insects that are seemingly not of this world. And more!

Originals

Neil deGrasse Tyson Sounds Off On Other Movies

No Time To Die: “On the contrary, I’m afraid.   This 007 James Bond fellow would have more than likely died years ago, if not from cirrhosis of the liver, than from one of the several dozen STDs that he has surely contracted over the decades.” 

Originals

Care And Maintenance Of Your Possessed Ventriloquist Puppet

Your puppet may be possessed by a vicious demon, or simply by a pleasant dead person who loves hanging out on the couch and binge-watching ‘Blossom’. Don’t be presumptuous, ask a few questions and find out!

Originals

Pretty Basic Skinny Dip Tips

Carefully placed leeches can help cover portions of your body that make you feel insecure. If you have a really great body, allow others with less-great bodies a few minutes to frolic in the water before making your entrance. And more!

Magazine Rack

Lustler Magazine

Chick on Chick-fil-A: Porn Hub & Grub Hub Join Forces! VR vs AR: Can anything finally make you feel something? Anything? Let’s Hear It For 69! (The Average Age Of Our Readers) and more in this issue of Lustler Magazine!

Originals

Breakfast At Tiffany’s

Ah, evidence is like an engagement party held at Waffle House: it only works when poor people are involved.

Originals

Burning Questions for Greg, The Magical Talking Sentient Penis Pump

Q: How long should I microwave this Salsbury steak and corn dinner? I accidentally threw the box in the trash before reading the instructions, and I don’t want to stick my hand into the garbage bin. Greg: Um… do I look like I eat to you? Listen, pal, I’m a sentient penis pump. The only thing I’ve ever eaten was the withered organ of an elderly man, and I can assure you that was under extreme protest.

Originals

New Summer Pool Rules

No peeing in the pool, please! Instead wear a diaper into the pool, and dispose of appropriately later. No alcoholic beverages in or around the pool.  Be a goddamned adult and take drugs instead. And more!

Cartoons

CARTOON: Saved

No soliciting. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

Originals

Truly Terrible Congressional Cost Cutting Measures

Less expensive prostitutes for out-of- town conferences. Congress looking into ways of potentially harvesting the energy created by massive book burnings. And more!

Magazine Rack

Gothmopolitan Magazine

Doom, Gloom & Vroom: Losing Your Virginity In A Hearse. The Third Date: Too Soon To Drink Each Other’s Blood? Goth IRA And 7 Other Deadly Accurate Investment Tips. And more in this issue of Gothmopolitan Magazine.

Magazine Rack

Popular Séance Magazine

Ouija Board Or Ouija Bored: How To Guarantee You Get A Spirited Spirit Every Time, and more in this issue of Popular Séance Magazine.

Originals

Truly Terrible Things About Trump Arraignment

Keeps saying the courtroom artist is totally failing because they aren’t using ‘good orange’ and he looks too ‘creamsicle’. It took seven and a half hours to get his hair ready for the mugshot. Won’t answer any questions until he’s placed on higher seat than the judge. And more!

Best of 2023

News Briefs: Earth Feeling Like Probably Time To Deal With Human Infestation Problem

Plus: Man Surveys New Girlfriend’s Apartment For Move-In Potential, Throw Pillow Despondent After Being Demoted To Basement Guest Bedroom
Unsettling Amount Of Serial Killer Books For Sale At Neighbor’s Garage Sale. Weekly Humorist News Briefs: Breaking News Into Little Pieces.

Originals

Newest Additions To The Cultural Lexicon

The Accidental Bidet: When the commode accidentally flushes while you’re still seated, coating your private area with soiled toilet water. And more!

Best of 2023

GLUMMER Magazine

It Could Be Worse / No, It Couldn’t: The Art Of Negative Thinking, Being The Perfect Moody Beauty, Ann Taylor ZoLOFT, and more in this issue of GLUMMER Magazine!

Best of 2023

Wendy’s Daily Planner

5:30 AM- Delete several dozen dick pics from Burger King. 6:15 AM- Spend 45 minutes getting these fucking pigtails just fucking right. 5:30 PM- Yet more bullying texts from the ghost of my Dad pretending to be Grimace. And more!

Best of 2023

Your New Favorite Super Bowl Betting Apps!

OCD OTB: Allows the user to compulsively check the status of the bet several times per minute. You can also improve the chances of your bet coming in by unplugging your television seventeen times, or counting the number of ceiling tiles twice before the game goes to commercial.

Originals

Lesser Known TV Content Warnings

Mild drug use, bloody scenes of horror, graphic language, rapping vampires. And more!

Magazine Rack

Plateboy Magazine

Coleslaw In The Raw, Open Wide for Open Faced Sandwiches, Grub Hubba Hubba! And more in this issue of Plateboy Magazine!

Best of 2023

Lesser Known Characters From The Star Wars Universe

Nanneth Korv: Exotic dancer at the Death Star’s gentlemen’s club, The Emperor Says “No Clothes!”.   Frozen in carbonite for causing Darth Vader to suffer messy embarrassment during a lap dance.

Best of 2022

Clairvoyant Trump’s 2023 Predictions

January 6th will become America’s most popular new national holiday, during which wealthy citizens recreate the attack on the Capital by barging into the homes of the less affluent and taking whatever the hell they want. My collection of Trump NFTs will become so popular that they will be traded as the new dominant form of US currency. And more!

Cartoons

CARTOON: Pornaments

Where’s dad? Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.

Originals

Mrs. Claus’ Dec 24th To Do (While Santa Is Away) List

Place Frosty’s magic hat onto life-sized cardboard cut-out of Brad Pitt, hope for the best. Hose out Santa’s “Naughty Dungeon”. Deep down, he’s a good man; we all have our vices. And more!

Originals

TRANSCRIPT: The Official Country Crock Podcast w/ guest The Grinch

The Official Country Crock Podcast, which typically limits it’s topics of discussion to their line of buttery spreads, for unknown reasons spent a recent portion of their show interviewing The Grinch.  Below is the transcript of that talk.

Originals

Black Magic Friday’s Best Deals, Steals & Spells!!!

Sell your soul before 12/31/22 and receive a free glow-in-the-dark Mariah Carey fanny pack. All inverted cross actually prepared as inverted, and not just normal crosses that we turned upside down. And more!

Originals

Transcript From The Recent Emergency Meeting Of The Multiversal Council Of Kanyes

Kanye Earth 27- I call to order this emergency meeting of the multiversal Council Of Kanyes. Very sorry about the last minute notice, but I’m sure that we can all agree that things are getting out of control quickly. Kanye Earth XND- Jesus Florglatz, what has he done now?

Magazine Rack

OnlyFansgoria

Frankenstein’s Monster Exclusive Pantsless Twitch is Shocking! Plus, Best BBW- The Blob, Best Hot Body Waxing: The Werewolf, Best Who Definitely Love To Swallow- Zombies. Check out the best creators on the platform in OnlyFansgoria today!

Originals

Kit Quickie- QAnyms: QAnon Acronyms

Queasily Affirms Nostradamus’ Own Nightmares, Quashing America’s Nicely Organized Nation, and a couple more.

Originals

A Modern Guide To Translating Small Talk

“Pretty chilly today!” usually means “The army of rabid weasels that I control with my mind can be here before you have a chance to remove me from these premises.”

Originals

Truly Terrible Ways to Make Friends as an Adult

Sharing a taser while storming a government building. Dressing up as Boba Fett to attend a Lord Of The Rings convention. By attempting to telepathically communicate with others in line at the DMV. And more!

Originals

Last Minute Budget Summer Vacation Suggestions

PruneFest! Spend an idyllic summer afternoon in the company of friends and loved ones, savoring the sweet scents and flavors of a wide variety of prunes, prune jams and jellies, prune wine, plus workshops on using prunes to improve everything from your chi and sex life to sleep patterns.  Look out for Pruney Paul and his green basket of prunes, it’s all he eats and it shows (smells)! As usual with this particular event, porta-potties are in high demand yet short supply, so please plan accordingly.

CritWits

REVIEW: The Disastrous Dating Life Of Diane Damone

The basic rom-com set-up of “woman with a less-than-satisfactory dating history going on a series of romantic misadventures” is given a fresh coat of paint by some very funny writing, and by Brittany herself, who is as funny as she is charming and likable (which is to say, very).

Best of 2022

National Enshirer

Aragorn’s Longbow EXPOSED! (NOT Actually Very Long!) Sauron’s Role In The Jan 6th Attack! Lord Of The Onion Rings!: Frodo Explains Massive COVID Weight Gain! And more!

Originals

Inventory List Of The FBI’s Raid Of Trump

Secret identity of Q (it’s Tony Danza!!) McDonalds’ Grimace life size sex doll, Trump steaks made of real Trump! (mostly his mother) And more!

Originals

A Breakdown Of Where Your Weekly Church Contribution Goes

$ 195    eBay purchase of a Pop-Tart in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary. $ 125.00  Money spent to ensure that church security keeps homeless people off of church property. $ 87   3 dozen bags of marshmallows, 8 syringes of sodium pentothal for Youth Group retreat.

Best of 2022

Select Scenes From The QAnanny Sitcom

QAnanny: Nya-ha-ha-ha-nnha-nnha-hnn-ha-nhee-heee Gross Sheffield: What is that… that noise she’s making? Is that a laugh? Not-So-Brighton Sheffield: I mean… kind of? She’s attempting to use the high-pitched frequency of those noises to short circuit the deep-state hypnotic suggestions that have been hard wired into her brain.

Magazine Rack

RottingStone Magazine

Visiting The Rock n’ Roll Hall Of Maim, ‘Name That Tomb’ with Casey Kasem, Jerry Garcia Seance- Gratefully Dead, Or Not So Much? and more in RottingStone Magazine!

Originals

Road Trip Stops You Won’t Want To Miss!!

Apples & Bees, Shappalap, OK- Not to be confused with the popular chain of bar and grill restaurants located throughout North America, Apples & Bees is instead an apple orchard that is open to the public, but also plagued regularly by swarms of bees.

Originals

Truly Terrible Beach Tips

Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka.

Best of 2022

QaDon’s- American Bistro For American’s Who Don’t Like America

“Spend Your Independence Day Exerting Your Independence From American Values and Basic Human Decency With Our Special Fourth Of July Menu!!!” “Each of our meals is served on a paper replica of the Constitution, perfect for soaking up all of the gooey grease and spills!”

Originals

Sonic The Hedgehog Tips & Tricks!!!

This level contains a hidden room where you can grab a few much-needed extra lives for later in the game.    Simply enter through the door hidden behind the wall of seaweed by creating a spin-attack to break through; behind this door is a Baptist church, where you can quickly become a member and thereby receive eternal lives through our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.   

Magazine Rack

Newsbleak Magazine

Study Confirms: We’re All Gonna Die! HEALTH: That Thing On Your Neck? Yikes, Better Have Someone Take A Look! CRYPTO: Please Don’t Use It To Buy Our Magazine, and more bad news in Newsbleak Magazine!

Originals

Truly Terrible Wedding Toasts & Announcements

“Please don’t be concerned about the goodie bags smelling like bug spray; some ants had gotten into the bags earlier, but we took care of it, so everything should be fine now.”

Originals

Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly

1939 – 40 New York World’s Fair-   During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is accidentally spilled onto the stage, resulting in the first known instance of what eventually comes to be known as breakdancing.

Magazine Rack

Renthouse Magazine

Full Frontal Or Back Door; How To Enter That Rental, Should The Carpets Match The Drapes? (Like design-wise, pervert) and more in Renthouse Magazine.

Originals

More Musk For Your Buck! Elon Musk’s Planned Twitter Changes…

A special audio notification for all Twitter Platinum members, which goes off only in the event that my army of cyborg assassins is unleashed upon the unwashed masses, and allows you plenty of time to get settled into your spacious and luxurious underground bunker.

Originals

Post Pandemic Party Planning!

Now that things are moving slowly back toward somewhat normal, you can toss your guests’ coats onto your bed, rather than onto your back lawn before setting them all on fire.

Best of 2022

What To Expect When You’re Expecting Extraterrestrials 

Keep It Classy-ish: If you decide to invite our friends from beyond the stars into your home for a casual chat, please do your best to make a good impression. For example, best to keep the tv off, but if you must keep it on, steer clear of things like The Bachelor and Fox News. I mean, c’mon… you’re just making the rest of us look bad.

Magazine Rack

TV Snide

‘Oh boy! More Streaming Services!? Maybe they could put them all together on one bill, oh wait, we had that and f*cked it up!’ ‘The Voice: Sorry, Folks, No Good Singers Left’ and more in this issue of TV Snide!

Magazine Rack

Queasyriders Magazine

Riding My Hog, Sick As A Dog, Food Poisoning Or Real Poisoning; How To Tell If It Was Bad Shrimp Or Your Old Lady’s Trying To Kill You, and more in this issue of Queasyriders Magazine!

Best of 2022

Little Debbie’s Got A FAQ For You

We had to stop making the Zebra Cakes as it’s becoming more and more difficult to get the chunks of real zebra that go into each cake. I guess they’re close to being extinct or something? We’ll probably need to rebrand at some point, although I’ll admit that something like Horse Cakes doesn’t sound quite as appetizing.

Originals

Cap’n Crunch’s Most Irritating Pet Peeves

Social media bullying from those horrible Honeycomb Kids. No one ever takes him seriously when he asks them to walk the plank. And more!

Magazine Rack

Cosmopolitician Magazine

Stealing Hearts and Voting Rights, Denying Climate Change to Get Them Hot, and more in this issue of Cosmopolitician Magazine!

Originals

Joe Rogan’s Other Favorite Conspiracy Theories

Shingles are not caused by a virus introduced into a person’s body via chicken pox, but rather a section of roof falling from a great distance and hitting you on the back. And more!

Originals

Most Common FAQ for Wummies Weed Gummies

“Is it advisable to take a gummy before going out to have dinner with friends? And are they really my friends? Why are they all looking at me like that? And why is the waiter trying to read my mind?”

Originals

What’s IN & OUT For 2022

OUT Zombie apocalypse / IN Regular old boring apocalypse, and more!

Originals

My Proudest Accomplishments From 2021

Used my 401k to purchase land and develop a nudist community for those with psoriasis called Flakey Acres.

Originals

Santa’s Most Surprisingly Requested Gifts

This Is Not A Vibrator!  Personal Massager: Comes packaged in a container with “This Is Not A Vibrator!” printed in bold type to let the others celebrating the holiday with you know that, in no uncertain terms, this personal massager is definitely not going to be used as a mechanical penis.

Magazine Rack

Ass Weakly Magazine

In this issue of ASS Weakly: Excerpts from Andrew Cuomo New Book: Hands On Politics A Touchy Subject, Ooze With Cruz-Our Q&A With The Slimy Senator, and Ghislaine Maxwell Says “Get Out Of The Dark Ages! Women Can Be Creepy Perverts Too!”

Originals

Your Holiday Streaming Guide

Chris-mas Cuomo-    When Santa finds himself in some hot water due to allegations of sexual misconduct from several elves in his employ, will his pal Chris Cuomo be able to save the day by working behind the scenes, gathering exclusive info at his job at a popular news network?     (HBO Max)

Originals

The Most Dangerous Game Night: Ways To Spice Up Boring Old Board Games

Connect Four: Connect four game discs coated with honey, then several dozen bees sporadically allowed into gaming room. Chutes & Ladders: Game played on actual ladders. Twister: Game mat placed on a small platform suspended over a tank of great white sharks. And more!

Magazine Rack

Bartha Steward Shiving

Time Off For Gouda Behavior, Adding A Splash Of Fall Medley To Your Gang’s Colors, and more in this issue of Bartha Steward Shiving.

Originals

Reasons That I’m Not Coming To Your Baby Shower

You’re not having a baby;  you’re considering maybe buying an iguana when you get your tax refund next year.     Look, that’s great and all, but I’m not going to help you buy iguana-chow or whatever.    You still live at home with your parents, con them into paying for the damned thing.

Magazine Rack

Reaper’s Diegest

‘Ding Dong, Fooled You! and 6 Other Practical Jokes No Reaper Can Resist’, ‘Slim Reapers: This Year’s Most Flattering Death Robes!’ ‘Which Celebrities Are On Your Bucket List?’ and More from this month’s Reaper’s Digest!

Originals

Humdrum Horror Hobbies

When he’s not stabbing and slashing in an effort to transfer his soul into a human body, Chucky loves tormenting others by working the call center at several telemarketing and bill collection companies.

Originals

Streaming And Screaming!

Escape Room 3:  Rise Of The Terrordome-  A group of strangers are abducted by a malevolent organization and placed into a series of increasingly dangerous escape rooms.  The strangers, after thinking about it for a bit, realize that this situation is much better than how things are out in the real world, and so decide to simply stay put.  (Oct 20, HBO Max)

Magazine Rack

VAXIM Magazine

Pharma Sutra: Can Pfizer Make You A “Riser”? Johnson & Johnson Into Your Johnson? And more!

Originals

At The Fantasy Island Frozen Yogurt Stand

Mr. Rourke: Hello, and welcome to the Fantasy Island Frozen Yogurt Experience. How may we facilitate your yogurt fantasies today?

Originals

Most Commonly Accessed FAQs On The Farmers Only Website

“There’s a lot to like about these guys, but ultimately, we just didn’t click. Any chance you could just sell me a dildo that’s been spritzed with Stetson cologne?”

Originals

Signs That Summer Is Almost Over…

Anti-vaxxers adding plenty of ivermectin to their pumpkin spice lattes. COVID infection stories on the news are all Back To School related. And more!

Magazine Rack

GQAnon Magazine

The Max In Anti-Vax Slacks, Q-Mart Shoppers, The Gaetz Of Hell, and more!

Best Of 2021

Rudebook Magazine

Looking Good: 12 Ways To Find and Keep Unattractive Friends To Stand Next To,Lithium: Cheer up any dish with this surprise seasoning, ‘Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!’ And Other Things To Yell During Orgasm, and more in this issue of Rudebook Magazine.

Cartoons

CARTOON: Deflating Ego

Punctured fun. Today’s cartoon by Kit Lively.

Originals

Other Crazy Beliefs Of The MyPillow Guy

“Andrew Cuomo’s discarded nipple rings can be used to construct a helmet with which to contact yodeling enthusiasts from other dimensions.” “Beverly Hills 90210 is superior to Melrose Place.” And more!

originals

Chores That I Absolutely Won’t Get To This Weekend

Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard. Taking all of those vhs porn tapes to the Goodwill. Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection. And more!

Originals

Deluxe Features Of Local Haunted Houses In Your Area!

Moorecrest Manor, 1142 Autumn Harvest Lane: Walls bleed extremely rare blood type AB negative, so ideal for charity blood drive location. Portal to Hell greatly reduces heating bills during the winter. Ghost of little girl in the attic can be listed as a dependent on tax forms.

Originals

What’s New On Streaming?

The Haunting Of Geraldine’s Toaster (Netflix) In the terrifying tradition of previous Netflix hits The Haunting Of Hill House and The Haunting Of Bly Manor, this new entry centers on young, optimistic family the Guthries.  The Guthries have just moved into a refurbished house with a terrifying past, and an even more horrific toaster, possessed by true evil.

Originals

Welcome Back To The Cinema!

Popcorn butter pump doubles as butter flavored hand sanitizer. No heavy breathing during sexy scenes unless masked. And more!