Originals

Dr. Victor Von Doom Rants About this Summer’s Trends

by J.K. Radomski

Brat girl summer? What a pitiful display of mediocrity, inspired by an album that can only manage a third-place debut. Embracing imperfections and chaos is the creed of the weak, not the mighty. Doom does not settle for low-res Arial fonts and lime green backgrounds either. This trend is as fleeting and insignificant as the summer breeze.

Another insipid season of “The Bachelorette”? The desperation for ratings is evident. Bringing in a charming, bubbly personality will not mask the show’s inherent superficiality. Doom finds this quest for love on reality TV to be nothing more than a farce, pandering to the vacuous masses. Besides, love is a concept as complex and multifaceted as it is misunderstood. To the feeble-minded, it is an emotion, a mere flutter of the heart. But to Doom, love is power!

Boho chic returns, yet again, proving the cyclical nature of society’s lack of originality. Crochet, fringe, and flowy tops are mere distractions from true innovation. This is yet another feeble attempt to mask aesthetics in banality. Doom demands progress, not regurgitation of tired trends. Doom’s attire reflects his unparalleled status and indomitable will. One’s attire should command respect and fear.

The “Gladiator Mullet” is truly a testament to the decline of male dignity. Such trivial pursuits are beneath Doom. This so-called trend only showcases the herd mentality of the modern male, devoid of true individuality. Despite the mask that conceals my visage, beneath lies hair that is conditioned with the finest concoctions, derived from both scientific brilliance and ancient alchemy. Rare herbs and elixirs, gathered from the farthest reaches of the world and beyond, ensure that Doom’s hair remains resilient and impeccable. Such care is not for my vanity, but an attestation to Doom’s unwavering commitment to perfection in all aspects of existence.



The 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris is a spectacle of hollow grandeur. Fifteen million visitors flock to witness this parade of mundanity, under the guise of responsibility and inclusivity. The Olympic Committee’s lofty goals are but a façade, unable to mask the superficiality of this “spectacular” event. Doom sees through this charade of global camaraderie, and his opinions have nothing to do with Latveria not being invited to participate… again. Bah!

Remote and hybrid work is a trend born out of convenience and laziness. Companies investing in these technologies merely highlight their inability to inspire true dedication among their employees. Flexible working arrangements are a crutch for the weak, and they are unworthy of Doom’s empire. Efficiency and loyalty are not born from the comfort of one’s home. Know this… the incompetence and frailty of human labor are easily surpassed by the precision and tireless efficiency of my Doombots. Your employees, with their flawed judgment and need for rest, are but relics of a bygone era. Embrace the future under Doom’s vision, where Doombots execute tasks with unerring accuracy and unyielding loyalty, elevating your operations to heights unimaginable by mere mortals.

The Bear, a supposed comedy-drama attempting to capture the chaos of a sandwich shop may attract some attention, but it is ultimately a tale of squandered potential. Doom finds no interest in the mundane struggles of a chef’s return home. True greatness is not found in such pedestrian narratives and in the fleeting accolades of the masses. It resides within the boundless intellect and unyielding will of those who dare to transcend mediocrity. Doom finds true greatness in the relentless pursuit of knowledge, the mastery of both science and sorcery, and the absolute dominion over one’s destiny. And how dare the creators of this show display an utter contempt for their audience by ending on a cliffhanger. The next season cannot come soon enough.