Originals

Excerpts from A Book About A Star Wars Jazz Musician Which Sound Way More Perverted Than They Are (Because George Lucas Named Jazz “Jizz”)

“[In the Star Wars universe,] Jizz was an upbeat, swinging genre of music, most notably performed by […] the Max Rebo Band [which included Droopy McCool].” https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Jizz/Legends


 

“If you’ve ever found yourself nodding your head or tapping your foot to the playful sound of jizz, you have one musician to thank: Droopy McCool. With a name like that, many say it was his destiny to become the greatest jizz musician of all time.”


“Before McCool burst onto the scene, not everyone enjoyed the changing melodies, harmonies, and time signatures of jizz — it was an acquired taste.”


“McCool was almost singularly responsible for jizz’s explosion in popularity. Under his influence, jizz had gone mainstream. Even members of the Empire were rumored to have privately indulged in jizz.”




“One of McCool’s earliest memories was of walking by a cantina with his father, hearing it for the first time. He never forgot his father’s response when he asked him what type of music was being played, ‘Jizz, son. That music is jizz.’ That first taste fueled an insatiable appetite for jizz. He devoured all of the jizz he could get his hands on, listening to it all day long.”


“When he first tried his hand at jizz he discovered it came naturally to him. He had an ear for jizz.”


“McCool knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life creating jizz.”


“He was determined to produce something new, not the same, tired old jizz of his father’s generation.”


“Many musicians struggle to create jizz, not successfully doing so until their late 20s or early 30s. Not McCool. He was creating jizz by the tender age of 9. And not just any jizz. He was producing elaborate jizz that musicians five times his age would have been proud to call their own.”


“No one could have anticipated the splash McCool would create with his jizz.”


“Having never heard anything quite like it before, crowds loved McCool’s unique brand of jizz. Throngs of new fans lined up in the hopes of seeing a live jizz show, many of whom would have previously turned their noses up at the mere mention of jizz.”


“Those who saw McCool perform say that he wasn’t merely playing jizz, he became jizz.”


“He lived and breathed jizz.”


“Most jizz players could only entertain an audience for a few sets, but McCool had the stamina to create an endless stream of jizz for hours on end. Fans would stay long into the night, their attention rapt, letting the smooth, warm, off-beat tempo of jizz wash over them; basking in it until the sun came up.”


“He simultaneously embodied jizz and redefined it.”


“McCool wanted as many listeners as possible to be touched by his jizz.”


“None could match his artistic output. He single-handedly created more jizz than anyone else at the time. Even jizz historians are overwhelmed with the task of trying to sift through McCool’s contributions and collate them into a single volume.”


“McCool’s popularity gained him fans and critics. Some purists disliked the genre’s newfound traction and accused McCool of bringing a watered down jizz to the masses.”


“There were few who were untouched by McCool’s portfolio of work. He rubbed off on and inspired the next generation of jizz lovers.”


“He left an indelible mark on the world through his jizz.”


“Although McCool is no longer with us, there are certain cantinas you can visit where you will see the walls plastered with memorabilia of his jizz and, if you listen carefully, you can still hear the echoes of his jizz.”


by Jason Garramone

Jason Garramone

Jason Garramone is a writer and all-around comedian. He enjoys laughing and making others laugh as well.