Welcome to the Galactic Empire Ethics Training. Upon completion of this learning module you will take an aptitude test graded by your managing Sith Lord. A failing score is punishable by a force-choke that may result in death, but what we’re really looking for here is effort!
Ethics and the Dark Side of the Force
This means behaving with dishonesty, unfairness, and evil intent.
“I do my best to be deceitful every day. Plus, I’m 200% committed to supporting our military-industrial complex, which is also the truth.”
–Major Toby Floop, TIE Fighter Pilot
“I believe in treating everyone unjustly to remind the Resistance that we run the Galaxy, and I always ensure the stormtroopers under my command are treated poorly, but not so poorly that they stage a mutiny.”
–Buck Quasario, Stormtrooper Captain
“To me, being evil is showing no mercy and cutting off a head with my lightsaber first, then never asking questions. Sometimes I have to use Jedi Mind tricks to exploit people, even if I just discovered that I’m related to them.”
–Darth Paul, Sith apprentice
Immediately Reportable Outer Space Work Incidents
You must immediately report the following events to Dark Side Compliance:
– Sanctioned Bribery
– Drunk Piloting Starfighters on the Clock
– Fraud or Theft of Greater than $100,000 Imperial Credits
– Exotic Creature Ownership (e.g. rancors, porgs, tauntauns, space slugs, etc.)
– Sith Brand Reputation Risk
– Death Star Information System Hacking
Is the receiving, offering, or giving anything of value (including Imperial Credits, blueprints of Starkiller bases, gifts of Corusca gems, discounts on Star Yachts, donations of captured Rebel spies, or favors from corrupt members of the New Republic) in order to obtain improper benefits for the Empire or influence anyone. All bribes are highly encouraged as long as they are recorded in your monthly Bribe Report. Without proper bookkeeping, you will mysteriously die by falling down a reactor shaft or publically, via Force Lightning. It’s easy to avoid!
Agreements of Interest – Gifts & Entertainment
Imperial Employees should accept gifts of any kind from everyone and coerce the giving of gifts from those who do not offer them as tribute and pledge undying fealty to the New Order, unless it’s from a Gungan. Never accept gifts from a Gungan.
- You’re invited to be the keynote speaker at an All Terrain Armored Transport (AT-AT) event on Tatooine. The supplier offers to pay for all expenses, including an open bar from 6-10PM at Mos Eisley Cantina.
Should you let them?
- A supplier of Mon Calamari cuisine has asked you out to dinner at Lando Calrissian’s restaurant in Cloud City and has offered to pay for your meal.
Should you accept?
- A Gungan in front of you in line at a Watto’s Junkshop tells Watto to charge him for the parts you planned on buying and tells you to, “Passa itta onna.”
Should you kill him?
Manipulative Personal Relationships with Suppliers
We strive to never honor our deals and threaten those who complain with the complete obliteration of their planet (see: Alderaan) to demonstrate that we are the most powerful regime in the Galaxy with which no one must trifle. This also enables us to save money by purchasing things like Speeder Bikes, Probe Droids, and Star Destroyers at low, low prices!
- A Clone Trooper supplier has offered me a glass of Green milk straight from the teat of a female thala-siren and a Gart Frozen Fruit Snack during a Tusken Raider business meeting.
Can I accept?
- A former associate left 9 weeks ago to join the Rebel Alliance.
Can I work directly with him?
- During a training session, one of our Imperial Navy Trooper uniform suppliers gives overlarge black open-blast helmets and key chains away to attendees.
Can I accept one?
- I work in Sith Finance and received a birthday gift from Jabba the Hutt who happens to have hired Boba Fett (a Dark Side Freelancer) to kill a prominent Ewok Elder on Endor.
Can I accept the gift?
Death Star Information System Hacking
Involves conduct by an associate (e.g. a rogue Sith, a rogue stormtrooper, or a rogue Sith disguised as a stormtrooper) maliciously gaining unauthorized access to Death Star Information Systems. Suspected breaches should be reported to Emergency Space Defense Operations. All golden 3PO unit protocol droids and R2-series droids (especially silver ones with blue decals that produce cute, emotive beeps and boops) must be destroyed without question.
Focused Harassment & Discrimination
Even though 81% of our workforce lives on moon-sized space stations in the cold, dead of space, it’s important that we make everyone feel even more unsafe to create an atmosphere of impending doom. You should always try to offend others to foster instability and remind your colleagues that any grievances will earn you a one-way ticket…to the nearest trash compactor!
Can you correctly identify which of the following actions are acceptable, and which are preferred?
– You comment that you like the way your coworker’s new blaster “hangs” on her body.
– You compliment a colleague’s new squash blossom haircut.
– A colleague shows you an inappropriate photo of a Wookie woman wearing a bikini on his personal transmitter at work.
– You offer a colleague to, “take her to hyperspace” repeatedly, even after they’ve declined.
– You say to a coworker, “I’ve noticed you got a tan; did you get that in the Dune Sea while watching people be sentenced to death in the Sarlacc pit?”
You’ve reached the end of your Ethics training. Please report to Detention Block AA to take your exam under the watchful gaze of an IT-O Interrogator droid. Don’t worry, this is not a trap!
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Ben Hargrave is a comedian, writer, and actor in New York whose writing has appeared on McSweeney’s, Splitsider, Defenestration, The Hard Times, Points In Case, The Tusk, RobotButt, Janice, The Higgs Weldon, Funny or Die, and Above Average. He also makes his own peanut butter and excels at farting around. You can follow him on twitter and instagram @HarHarHargrave