Hiring: Temporary Lab Assistant, Muppet Labs

This is Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs. While we are most certainly still “where the future is being made today,” to be honest, we are a little short staffed right now.

We are currently hiring for a temporary lab assistant, preferably a non-aging tube-shaped undefeatable type. This is not a requirement, but it is preferred, as all of our uniforms are already sewn this way. While this position is temporary, you will be compensated in incalculable academic credit and the remaining prop gold left over from the filming of Muppet Treasure Island.

Your work will be overtly dangerous, laughably undervalued, and your appearances in various film and television events will be exclusively accompanied by me, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.

The position opening comes as I think we might have finally pushed Beaker over the edge.

Here’s how it happened. He was at home on medical leave for a workplace incident testing our newest pain-relieving opioid by involving him first in a no-holds-barred cage fight with Sweetums. We decided to take advantage of his rehabilitation time to also test various self-administered, at-home acupuncture kits on him.

A number of needles in, he finally just freaked.

He suddenly changed his tune from “Me, Me, Me” to “You, You, You” and demolished his phone in a 5G-induced whirl of rage and fear, culminating in him attempting to push his phone down the garbage disposal. It wouldn’t fit, so he smashed it up with a sledge and swallowed it. The whole thing was streamed live online. Millions of people watched it before it was “scrubbed” from the Internet. (You can still find it if you know where to look.)

Some commented with red-faced emojis and shared it with capital letters: “TRUTH”. It’s been an absolute nightmare for our PR department, Statler and Waldorf.

We are attempting to win Beaker back, slowly. We’ve been keeping tabs on him at home, and have found his quaint house at the end of the street transformed into a full-blown conspiratorial effigy. The hundreds of signs in his yard decry all sorts of things: tyranny, the postal service, a spherical Earth, the various plotlines of Jurassic Park and the films of Stanley Kubrick, and most hurtfully, the work we’ve done for nearly 50 years here at Muppet Labs. Apparently, his house is now officially “PROTECTED BY THE SECOND” and “OFF-THE-GRID” but, when we drive by we can still see his TV burning blue at all hours through the window.

We’ve recently been flying paper airplane apologies towards his front door. So I guess, we’ll see.

In the meantime, your work as a temporary lab assistant will be in developing other gadgets and devices we hope will make living during these times easier for our consumers, both here and abroad.

While most of the work you’ll be doing will be in explosives and general destruction, we do have a couple of special projects up our sleeves. We can’t reveal much yet, but one of them involves a dissolvable mask capable of satisfying the most staunch of anti-maskers. It lasts just long enough to get into the front entrances of most major retailers, and then can either be ingested with one big angry swallow, or allowed to blow away in a thousand pieces, like dandelion pollen. Another is a capitalism ray gun, a virtual wealth simulator which takes your current wealth and multiplies it tenfold. Then you put on goggles and get to live a VR simulation with your newfound wealth for ten minutes. (Goggles and software are sold separately.) For some, it will look like a basic human wage, which is truly a breakthrough.

We are really excited about this one.

Really though, until we hire a temporary lab assistant, all work here at Muppet Labs is sort of at a standstill. Lew Zealand is literally throwing different fish at the wall to see which kind sticks.

So, send us your resume or just show up at our headquarters here in balmy Orlando, Florida. We’re getting desperate.

Also, Beaker, if you are reading this: We love you. We miss you. We need you.

Please come back home.