Originals

Can You Tell Me How to Get, How to Get Away From Cancelled Street? Sesame Street Characters Apology Tour

Sesame Street is like most other streets in our country.    Crumbling infrastructure in desperate need of repair, occupied by residents weighed down by despair and worry.    It’s no wonder that we all occasionally snap for a moment and speak out of hand.    Of course, when the hand in question is controlling a Muppet, the results tend to find their way to the spotlight more often than not…

 
Ernie
Cancelled for writing unflattering comments about the homeless on the lavatory wall of Studio 54 back in the 70’s.

“What can I say, it was a different time.   Even my rubber ducky was loaded to the gills with Quaaludes back then.   But yeah, sorry for the hurt feelings, I guess.”


Oscar the Grouch
Cancelled when several pairs of crew-member’s underpants are found in his trash-can.

“There would only be one reason why somebody’s underpants ended up in my can, if you get what I’m saying.  And it was consensual.  I put the “sensual” into “consensual”, you dig?   Of course I’m sorry for any misunderstandings, though.”


Elmo
Cancelled for being overheard making rude jokes about the fur color of other Muppets.

“Jesus Christ.   This has been blown way out of proportion.  I’ll say it again for the cheap seats, though….  I was talking about some other Muppet’s weird looking bush.   This is not a race thing.   Sorry for the confusion, but for fuck’s sake…”


Big Bird
Cancelled for having a nest located on Epstein Island.

“Golly, I am so very sorry.   I admit that I had my nest on Epstein Island, but I think that was years before any of the horror stories.    I did blow Clinton on the beach once on that same island, if that helps with the timeline.”


Bert
Cancelled for using characters from Fraggle Rock to construct a Human Centipede.

“That was during the last few hours of a 72 hour party in Cancun.    I barely remember anything, but yes, I have seen the photos.    I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, but these Fraggle Rock folks know what it’s like to party like a Muppet.    We fuck shit up.”


Count von Count
Cancelled for counting the number of items in his Nazi paraphernalia collection during a dark-web online auction.

“I will give you one, ONE, apology for my innocent interest in historical trinkets.   Beyond that, you should probably go fuck yourself twice.”


Cookie Monster
Cancelled for bothering young women online, asking for photos of their “cookie”.

“First of all, I had no idea that cookie is slang for female genitalia, okay?   I honestly am totally obsessed with cookies and cookies alone.  Actual cookies, not female body parts.   If anything, I’m completely asexual.    Buy okay, sorry ladies.   No more Instagram-cracker cookie photos for you.   Too bad, so sad.”


Grover
Using “Super-Grover” identity to trick elderly fans into a series of pyramid schemes.

“Me am sorry!   Me am…  fuck… sorry about that.   I just got finished shooting a full day’s worth of the show.   Anyway, I am really sorry about all of this other stuff.    Along with everyone else, I too got carried away by Super-Grover Fever.    But I’m working the steps.”


by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence