To humorless trolls who soiled themselves re: my earlier tweet-stop following me; follow someone sensitive and kind like Stephen Colbert. Waka. Waka.
For Cinco de Mayo I will drink an entire jar of hot salsa and watch old Speedy Gonzales cartoons and speak Spanish all day. Happy CdMayo! Waka. Waka.
Prince Phillip steps down from public events. No truth to massive rumor that I would step in for him. Only crown I have is from Burger King. Waka. Waka.
Breaking news from Hollywood! Sen. Chuck Schumer cast in lead role for remake of ‘Boys Don’t Cry.’ Waka Waka.
Full disclosure: I have NOT met with Russian AMB, but did have Russian dressing on a salad last September. I’ll recuse from salads for a week. Waka Waka.
Dems pouring out of House Chamber as if someone flushed a commode. Where were they in such a hurry to go? Is there a sale at Pennys? Waka Waka.
CNN launching its own social media platform to rival Zuckerburg’s-Zucker vs. Zuckerburg. CNN will call their new site “FakeBook.” Waka Waka.
Watch celebs spew ignorant political venom at Oscars? Nah… think I’d rather have a colonoscopy. Both happen from same location. Waka Waka.
Rachel Maddow tonight reveals Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa are found; they marry and have a child – Snoop Dogg, who paid no taxes ever. Waka Waka.
I’m vindicated. Comey failed to implicate me today with Russian collaboration. He will later confirm I didn’t kidnap the Lindberg baby. Waka Waka.
Liberals end California drought by crying river of tears because mean Donald Trump fired Obama political appointees. Kleenex stock up 400%. Waka. Waka.
Why do people holding “Love Trump’s Hate” signs looks so mean? No love or joy on faces. Are they or unhappy or just constipated? Waka Waka.
Don’t miss it! Rachel Maddow will reveal who shot JR on the show ‘Dallas.’ Sure it was the 80’s, but it’s RACHEL MADDOW. Waka Waka.
Tom Brady’s jersey found. Cops coming to my hotel room at noon to pick it up. Dang. Waka. Waka.
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Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of — winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending, Congolese gynecologist, Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney’s, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog, Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that’s been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul’s time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar…