I’m Speaking to the Server at This Portuguese Restaurant in French, Goddamnit

Je m’appelle Celine, like Dion, and je voudrais la paella. It is entirely d’accord for one to introduce themselves in a restaurant, oui? You see, in Frah-nce, this is how we do it. 

 

My name is actually Shelly, but my sixth-grade French teacher assigned me the name Celine, and it just stuck. 

 

Oh, excusez moi! I see that vous ne me comprenez pas. I do apologize. The server at Wendy’s did not understand my order of frites, either. I just got back from the experience of a lifetime, studying in gay Par-ee. Did you see how I pronounced that? I really honed mon accent in Frah-nce.

 

La tour Eiffel — it is magnifique. Le Louvre — très bien, très bien. 

 

And it is true — c’est vrai! — no one fights like Gaston!

 

This wine list — I do not see any wines from Frah-nce. Pourquoi? Oh, that means “why?”

 

You see, in Frah-nce, we speak a bit differently.

 

I do encourage you to hearken back to your roots. Your chef — he speaks Français?

 

Yes, I am aware that this is a Portuguese restaurant and Portuguese is a distinct language. But, you see, I don’t know Portuguese. I can’t even spell it. That’s why I’m speaking French and want you to know that I speak French.

 

Attendez-vous! Attendez-vous! Before you leave me here, tout seule, do you take music requests? There is a song — une chanson, as we say in Frah-nce — called La Vie en Rose. I think my fellow patrons would really enjoy it.

 

On a similar note, have you had a chance to listen to Celine’s — my namesake, Celine, as in THE Celine, excusez-moi — albums in Français? Mon dieu! The voice of un ange.

 

By the way, pardonnez-moi, but we do not tip in France. I’m sure you understand. But I do have one tip for you — vous, that is: I do hope you will download Duolingo. 

 

What’s that? You’re from Detroit? Oh, me too.