Best of 2020

It Won’t Clear Up, The Acne On My Chin Has Unionized

I appreciate the suggestion of Clearasil ultra daily face wash. I really do believe you when you say it totally changed your life and your skin has never looked better. Unfortunately, I’m legally not allowed to use it. The acne on my chin has formed a union and it’s not going anywhere.

Yeah, I’ve heard about that amazing Maybelline foundation! It’s not for me, though. Article three, section one, of the Collective Bargaining Agreement Between Maeve Dunigan and the Union of Chin Acne Vulgaris clearly stipulates that I may not apply any lotions, creams, or balms that “obstruct the view of acne present on chin.” I’m sure you understand, c’est la vie.

As of now I haven’t found any loophole, so no, I can’t use Nars foundation either. You see, the pimples on my chin had done so much hard work between the ages of 13 and 19. It’s almost impossible to find a single photo of me from those years without acne on my chin, and it’s all thanks to the hardworking bacteria who never took a sick day.

I thought they might be willing to cut back now that I was in my 20s, to retire into their golden years. Alas, they created new pimples that grew up and moved away, migrating to my back and chest. These were pimples with families. What they wanted was change. What they wanted were protections that state and federal acne laws simply couldn’t provide. Thus, the union was formed. Now, this acne can safely continue to contribute to the economic growth of zits on my chin.

I’m sure this won’t come as a surprise, but I can’t use those fancy vibrating face cleansers either. The last time I tried, my chin pimples went on strike. They left their positions on my chin and angrily moved to my neck, which was somehow so much worse and weirder looking. Of course, there were a few scabs who stayed working on my chin. They became pretty inflamed as they bore the accusations of all the other workers on strike below. Pretty soon I had scratched them so much they were literal scabs (a homonym that would admittedly be cuter if it wasn’t referring to gaping bloody holes in my face).

Proactiv? I’m familiar. I was actually in the skincare aisle at CVS holding a bottle of Proactiv when I threw it to the ground and decided I wasn’t going to try and destroy the union. I’m staunchly pro-union. I’m part of a workers union myself. What kind of example would I be setting if stomped out a union the minute I was part of the establishment? Plus, the pimples hired an amazing lawyer.

Your aunt is a dermatologist! And you think she’d see me for free? Truly, so so kind. But yeah, no. Allow me to direct you to Article five, section three. As you can see, the legal implications of dermatology involve jail time. Not gonna risk it!

So yeah, feel free to take the license photo. I don’t want to wait a week. Trust me, it’s not going to clear up.