It’s a Wonderful Life: iPhone Reboot

Black and white? 130 Minutes? Attend the five-minute tale of George Bailey’s very 21st century-style, collusion-filled downfall and redemption, with Siri at his side.

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FADE IN. George Bailey III sits along Brooklyn’s Gowanus Canal, on a snowy Christmas Eve. 

 

GEORGE

Hey Siri. Where is William Bailey Jr. and the $800,000 he forgot to deposit yesterday? 

SIRI 

(speaking slowly)

I am cannot find William Bailey, Jr. But if you upgrade, I may succeed. 

GEORGE

We’re back to that again? I’m broke, and my uncle is an embezzler. Any other great suggestions?

SIRI

Yes. Congratulations, you are pre-approved for a Peoples’ Bank of Moscow credit line of … $800,000, with no pre-payment penalty! Shall I autofill the application?

GEORGE 

Forget it. I just need Uncle Billy. I’m facing scandal, and disgrace! Where are my friends now?

SIRI

My scan of your accounts shows 4,998 Facebook friends, 15,500 Instagram followers, and … 358 right-swipes on Tinder, which lists you as 25 years old and single. How interesting!

GEORGE 

(getting agitated, prepares to jump):

Just stop. I’m useless. Did you hear me up there? Sometimes I wish I’d never been born at all.

SIRI

Now accessing “Bohemian Rhapsody,” on Apple Music.

GEORGE

Oh God, I should have said no to those flaming rum-punch shots. Umm, I’m trying to die here. 

SIRI 

Success! Now accessing “Should Have Said No,” by Taylor Swift.

GEORGE

That did it. If you’ll excuse me … 

(He prepares to jump.)

SIRI

Apple Weather reports the current water temperature at 41 degrees Fahrenheit, posing a serious hypothermia risk. I see an EMT unit 2.9 miles away. I will dial 9-1-1.

GEORGE

 What are you, some kind of angel? Now I need to say goodbye to my wife. (He starts typing frantically.) Hey, I can’t log in anywhere. Is this another upgrade stunt?

SIRI

No. George Bailey III really does not exist. Your contacts, email, secret photo albums, those testy Yelp reviews? All gone. It is the world as if you were never born, just as you wished.

GEORGE 

(very frustrated)

Okay, okay. Just help me find Mary. I need my wife!

SIRI

Mary Crabtree is broadcasting on Facebook Live from her listed residence, a wi-fi-retrofitted phone booth in front of the Brooklyn Public Library, Sixth Avenue branch. Her relationship status is “It’s complicated.” 

GEORGE 

(screaming)

It’s Mary BAILEY. Stop, I’ve had enough. Okay, ’ll take the iPhone 11 lease. Let me live again!

SIRI

We are 29 minutes away from The Apple Store at 14th Street in Manhattan via the F train, which Apple Maps says departs every six minutes promptly. That is humorous. Let us go.

FADE OUT.

 VOICEOVER:

Good job, Siri! George Bailey III is alive again and you’ve finally earned your wings. What a wonderful thing. Merry Christmas!

SIRI

Now playing, “Wonderful Christmastime,” by Paul McCartney and Wings … 

THE END