I’ve Always Had a Very Good Relationship with Dracula, But Something Has Happened to Him

“The president has increasingly voiced irritation at Putin and the inability to resolve the now three-year-old war, which Trump promised he would promptly end as he campaigned to return to the White House […] He had long boasted of his friendly relationship with Putin and repeatedly stressed that Russia is more willing than Ukraine to reach a peace deal.” – AP News

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A guy who can judge character as well as I can should be able to count on his friends (especially when that friend is an actual Count).

Drac just hasn’t seemed like himself lately. He has gone absolutely CRAZY!

I’ve always gotten along with him, but right now he’s draining the lifeblood out of any human he can get his clawed hands on and I don’t like it at all.

Fangs are being sunk into necks for no reason whatsoever. It’s so unlike him and his completely reasonable behavior of the past three years.

Absolutely no one could have foreseen this very thing.

I told him very firmly last month to “STOP!” but he won’t listen. He just continues feasting on the innocent and cursing more souls to eternal damnation. I don’t know what’s gotten into him!

He wasn’t always like this. We go back a long time—fast friends since he was just good old Vlad the Impaler. (A metaphorical nickname, I’m sure, and a pretty cool one. Not that I’m jealous, but why can’t my subjects address me with such a badass title?)

 I liked him right away. He always gave the best, most sincere compliments about how masculine and powerful I am. Plus, I really admired his ability to make his critics disappear off the face of the earth.

We have so much in common. Both of us popular with the ladies, as you know. He has three brides, all very beautiful (and great with kids!), and is currently in the market for a much younger fourth one. Our culture could stand to learn a thing or two from his.

I’ve always defended him from that disrespectful wannabe dictator Van Helsing. No, I don’t regret doing so and no, this doesn’t mean I think Van Helsing was right. That guy is still a total pain in the ass.

He never shuts up about how Dracula’s a “monster” and that we need to take preventative measures like hanging up garlic and driving stakes through the hearts of the undead. Like, can you please stop antagonizing the probably-not-but-might-be vampire? He’s doing what remains of humanity no favors by talking the way he does. Everything out of this Dutch guy’s mouth causes problems, I don’t like it, and it better stop.

I am the only one the Count will listen to. Everyone is safe in my capable, diplomatic hands as I express utter shock over violent actions that I’m just now noticing after years of terrified people pointing them out to me.

[Sigh.] I guess it’s normal to get frustrated with your friends sometimes.

What pisses me off more than the gory deaths, though, is that he called me “emotional.” I’m not some bitch, dude. I don’t GET emotional, in person or on Victorian Truth Social. In fact, I’ll show him how unemotional I am, right after I lie down for a quick nap.

Not really sure why, but ever since I went over to his castle last night to talk some sense into him, the sun’s been hurting my eyes. Must’ve been the weirdly thick wine we drank.