Lonely Black Hole Finally Gets Some Company and Can’t Shut Up

Hey, nice of you guys to finally show up. I’ve only been watching you for the past several hundred thousand years. You humans, I mean. Totally been watching for longer but I know some of you don’t believe in cosmological time, so…don’t wanna offend!

 

And not, like, watching watching you. I’m not God. I can’t see you masturbate or anything. I mean, I could given the intense x-rays given off by all the crap that surrounds me. I can see through walls, into bedrooms, perhaps a bathroom stall…just don’t call me your Superman! Ah, Three Doors Down…great band. Speaking of which, I give off radio waves too. Wanna hear some golden oldies that have been playing out here in M87?

 

No?

 

Nevermind.

 

I don’t actually have any of those abilities, per se. I’m still mysterious but can sort of co-opt the properties of the cosmic material I ingest–it’s scientific voodoo your scientists won’t understand for a few more centuries. Might understand. Y’all have to make it out of this century first, amiright?

 

Nah, I’m sure you’ll make it a little further. Bets on you making it to the 23rd century? We’re talking Star Trek timeline, here!

 

Look, don’t worry about the masturbating thing. It was a joke and even if I was watching you, there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m sort of stuck out here, millions of light years away, in the middle of all these stars. I’m not moving in your general direction, nor can I send you to the pits of Hell, or whatever. Unless you get too close to me, then I’ll totally trap you in my immense gravitational pull and turn you into spaghetti, slowly, while you watch the future of the universe unfold before you. It’s both awe-inspiring and horrifying at the same time, I know, but totally non malicious. Indifferent, actually. It’s not like I would do that to you on purpose, I just can’t help myself. Laws of nature and all.

 

Sorry, that’s an awkward conversation starter. It’s lonely out here in this galaxy that you didn’t even see fit to give a proper name. M87… At least my name isn’t Todd!

 

Until you showed up, I’ve only had these goddamn stars to talk to and they’re not good conversationalists. Great food, poor talkers. Also, I’ve nearly eaten most of the ones closest to me. Too many to count, really. I gave them names as they were swirling around my event horizon to their doom. There was Benny, Jorge, Ethel, Gertrude, Jesus Mary and Joseph… That last was actually one supermassive star. Gave me indigestion for centuries hence the name.

 

Anyways, you want to hear a joke?

 

“Why did the neanderthal cross the road?”

 

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? No?

 

“Because he was being hunted down and exterminated by homo sapiens!”

 

Yeah, I’ve been holding onto that one for a while…

 

Want to hear another?

 

“What did the tyrannosaurus rex say to the triceratops?”

 

“Thanks being lunch!”

 

Not funny? Ah well, the neanderthals would’ve gotten that one. Such a great sense of humor those proto-humans had.

 

Anyways, you know where to find me. I’ll just be hanging out here. Eating stars and watching you. Don’t be a stranger!

 

 

 

 

 

image of a black hole (Event Horizon Telescope Collaboration)