The Tremendous Space Force Planning Meeting
Nobody has to be hip,
Nobody needs to be out of sight,
Nobody’s gonna travel second class,
They’re be equality, and no suppression of minorities,
We’ll take this planet, shake it round,
And turn it upside down,
My supersonic rocket ship~ The Kinks, “Supersonic Rocket Ship”
Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House…
“There’s this movie. Big movie, huge box office, Independence Day. With the black guy that can talk like a white guy. That’s a real talent, I have to tell you, most of them can’t do that. The President in the movie, good looking guy, right out of Central Casting, looks a lot like me, gives this speech. Something like, ‘We won’t go softly into the space! We’ll have a great, terrific Independence Day!’ Something like that. I want to recreate that exact speech when we premiere the Space Force, Michael, can you handle that?”
President Donald J. Trump, sitting at a raised podium in the Presidential Ballroom at the Trump International Hotel in Washington D.C., has just asked summer tentpole film director Michael Bay a direct question.
“It needs smoke and wind machines, shit like that, you can do it, Michael?” Trump asks.
“No problem, Mr. President. Maybe we can add some explosions in the background. My team will get working on the storyboards right away,” Bay says, then goes back to his iPhone Googling if any young starlets he wants to cast have nude photos leaked on the Internet from The Fappening.
The gaudy ballroom in the hotel is filled to capacity. Gathered are representatives from the White House, the Pentagon, NASA, various Senators and representatives from Congress, as well as movie directors, producers, costume designers, prop makers, and special effects experts, Madison Avenue branding and marketing pros, Fox News personalities, science and astronomy experts, representatives from McDonalds, Pizza Hut, Nike, Gatorade and other large companies looking to score merchandising tie-ins, all of the adult Trump children minus Tiffany, and actor Gary Sinise who has signed on to be the Space Force’s official spokesperson.
Trump bellows, “We got Lieutenant Dan! The great Lieutenant Dan, folks! Lieutenant Dan is going to be presenting an hour special on the Space Force on all four networks soon. We already bought the time, really expensive. The tremendous Mark Burnett is producing it – we made a lot of money with The Apprentice, that I can tell you, a lot of money, the number one show for like twenty-three years, right, Mark? – and the Space Force, it’s going to be as great a success as The
Apprentice, that I can tell you.”
Trying her best to not let the planning meeting to take a harsh turn and veer off into Trump-esque rambling tangents of gibberish and non-sequiturs is First Daughter Ivanka. Printed agenda in hand, Ivanka suggests, “Daddy, let’s talk about the ideas you have for the uniforms.” She knows Space Force uniforms is a big deal to her father. It’s about “branding.”
Binks. That Jar Jar is “hilarious” and “really smart humor.”
The next twenty-five minutes consists of President Trump going into great detail about what the Space Force line of toys needs to be. Action figures, shuttles, rockets, even a home base control room. Of course, the showcase of the toys is a super fit Donald Trump action figure in a glittering stars and stripes Mylar jumpsuit. The little guy is surprisingly pulling off those knee-high boots.
Representatives from both the Kenner and Hasbro toy level have broken into a shoving match after a contentious bidding war to manufacture the toys. Trump loves this, smirking as he teases each company with a deal, then jacks up the price again. Kenner’s CFO just sucker-punched a Hasbro designer. I, your intrepid White House correspondent watching covertly from the back of the ballroom, has never seen Donald Trump look happier.
A NASA advisor has just made the mistake of using the phrase “malevolent or benevolent alien species.” The next 17 minutes are consumed by trying to explain the difference between malevolent and benevolent to President Trump. He still hasn’t grasped the concept, even when broken down to “good and bad.” “Regardless, the Space Force needs to fuck those aliens up,” he says.
I take a lap around the ballroom, listening to the muted conversations as much as I can. Some officials are even covering their mouths as they speak like a catcher talking to a struggling closing pitcher. The mood is disbelief, shock, and embarrassment.
In the men’s room, there’s chatter amongst the suits such as;
“What are we doing? This is nuts.”
“Is he crazy? This makes no sense. We don’t own space. And Eric isn’t right in the head. Is there, you know, a medical issue? I can’t say the word I’m thinking of out loud.”
And, “I’m going to make a silly amount of money here, but will I be able to live with myself?”
Back in the ballroom, Trump is getting cable news withdrawal and needs to wrap the planning meeting up. It’s been three hours since he knew what the talking hairdos are saying about him and he’s getting ornery.
He says, “Look, folks, I’m going to leave you to it, you should be here all night in this great hotel, the best in Washington. There’s a lot of really great things you can do, I’ve given all the ideas. Everything. And nobody has done what we’ve done, this administration, you all know that. It’s been record breaking. In every way. We need another record. Another branch of our great military, who love me a lot, the Space Force!”
With that directive, President Donald J. Trump leaves his hotel and takes the motorcade back to the White House. Thrilled to watch the news channels talk about the major meeting he just led, to laud him for his leadership and vision, Trump is furious as he watches leaked cell phone video of Neil deGrasse Tyson heckling him on a loop. The real salt in the wound, is the anchors laughing loudly at the physicist’s jokes.
Three cheeseburgers deep, a pajama-wearing Trump slumps, pouts, and in true Citizen Kane fashion, mutters, “SPACE FORCE…”
Illustration by Mikey B. Martinez
Johnny Wright is a writer living in Portland, Oregon. He is a beef jerky enthusiast and wishes Bigfoot was real.