Miami’s Startling New Demographic Trends Explained

To call the recent population shift in Miami seismic is an understatement. According to the United States Census Bureau, the seven largest ethnic groups in Miami comprise of people who have made it into the statistics for the very first time in history. To offer some insights into the dramatic change to the city’s demographics, we bring you this overview of the seven largest ethnic groups in The Magic City.

---

Reeling into the list for the very first time, we have Miami’s influencer population. Recent studies have shown that most traffic delays in the city are caused by influencers and their crew holding up traffic as they traverse a crosswalk with the elegance swans and the obstinacy of geese. In a city as Instagrammable as Miami, we predict this group of people will feature even higher on this list in the future.

---

A 10-foot alien was allegedly seen roaming around Bayside Marketplace on New Year’s Day. Although the Miami Police Department later released a statement saying the supposed alien was really a drag queen fortifying herself with spinach empanadas before drag bingo at a local gay bar, a source within that organization has submitted compelling evidence supporting the claim that the alien has successfully spawned numerous offspring – roughly five to six feet in height – all with an insatiable appetite for knick-knacks, overpriced fast food, and celebrity boat tours.

---

Black SUVs with tinted windows regurgitate countless specimens of this classic Miami demographic, sporting high heels and higher hemlines, onto the pavement in front of high-end restaurants. As there are on average six girlfriends to an oligarch, this group of fair young ladies exist in much larger numbers than the oligarchs and their wives, neither of whom have made it into the top seven.

---

Once a niche demographic group, this festive part of the population has undergone an awe-inspiring expansion. Twerkers are found mainly over in South Beach where they can be seen slamming their generously developed hindquarters onto the hoods of muscle cars cruising up and down Ocean Drive. They are the number-one cause of the rising costs of car insurance in Miami-Dade County. However, nothing is more soothing to the mind than the undulating motions of the fishnet-clad twerker.

---

The I-95 in Miami has experienced its highest level of congestion since the recent California exodus. The Miami-Dade Department of Transportation & Public Works estimates that the infamous highway needs a sixteen-lane expansion in order to accommodate the new settlers from Southern California, who were once hoping to find in Miami a refuge from the high cost of living, traffic congestion, natural disasters, and rising insurance costs plaguing their home state.

---

Although it was directed specifically at them, they failed to heed the words of warning: “Miami is full – don’t come here.” But full of what? Being notoriously quick to assume, the New Yorkers supposed it to be a broad warning, meaning full of people, when in reality it means full of Republicans. You can imagine their shock and dismay. Contrary to popular belief, they do not reside in Brickell – the area known as “The Manhattan of the South.” Realizing that not even New York City’s emperor of car-centric infrastructure, Robert Moses, could have made a bigger mess than Miami has in creating a coherent transit system, they have chosen the walkable South Beach as their preferred place of residence.

---

People think that because located in South Florida, Miami has to be crawling with alligators. However, the city’s most common predator is the realtor lurking for unsuspecting transplants they can convince to invest in that ripe-for-condemnation condominium. In recent years, the city’s realtor population has exploded in numbers, making it difficult to elude those sly beasts of prey. Luckily, there are a couple of ways to spot a Miami realtor: First, they are the only segment of the whole population of Miami that can walk the forty feet from the valet parking area to the main entrance of a luxury condominium without being drenched in their own sweat. Second, their reflection doesn’t show in a mirror.