Posts

I’m the Understudy to the “Maps” App, and Tonight Could Be My Night

Wake up, me! Stop dreaming and look alive! This is my moment. I see Them, their gloved fingers a crescendo of taps on the buttons above me, entering those precious numbers and letters that bring me to life, infused with the joy of guiding others to their sacred destination.

Ford Memo to All Dealers Regarding 2011-2016 Fiesta and Focus Models About Chimpanzees in Trunks

Ford is aware that some of the 2011-2016 Focus and Fiesta owners have concerns about the violent, horny chimpanzees that our engineers in Detroit have deliberately placed in the trunk of these automobiles. These vehicles are safe. However, for our customers' peace of mind, Ford is offering this no-charge service that reduces the potential risk of these hungry primates from entering the vehicle and aggressively satiating their carnal appetites on our customers while on the road.

I’m Professional Tracker Hudson Rattlesnake and I Will Find Where You Parked Your Car

During my adventures, I’ve developed a superior intellect and strategic mind that make locating my prey practically a guarantee. That’s why I’ve created this here Craigslist post, because I want to use my skills to help you figure out where you parked your car. 

I'm a CAPTCHA, and I'm Having a Midlife Crisis

You may have noticed that lately every time you have to prove you’re human rather than one of those increasingly sexy spambots, the pictures that you have to identify are either motorcycles, sports cars, or yachts. That’s my fault. I’m a CAPTCHA, and I’m having a midlife crisis. 

Christmas Song Lyrics that Go Hard to Sell You a New or Preowned Vehicle

“We need a little Christmas right this very minute,” and you need a rebuilt aftermarket Hyundai Sonata in your driveway ASAP. A giant red velvet bow will cover most of the hail damage. (Bow sold separately.)

CARTOON: Check Yourself

Light of my life. Today's cartoon by Shelby Parker.

CARTOON: Fill'er Up!

Time to get a bike. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander & Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: Humming

Watch out for low bridges. Today's cartoon by Michael Shaw.

#CatACar

Furrari, Mouserati, Purrche, and more #CatACar on this week's trending joke game!

When I Gave You My Virginity, I Didn’t Think You’d Put It In the Same Box As Your Childhood Teeth

We had a sweet relationship. You were the nicest first boyfriend a girl could ask for. You brought me coffee before class and taught me how to put air in my tires. In return, I gave you the most precious thing a girl has to offer: the eternal lotus flower of my immaculate virginity. 

The New Porns

Unwatched 10 episode-per-season, 7-season series on Netflix Porn, Look at me I’m a celebrity who is getting notoriety for something shameful and disgraceful Porn, and more.

CARTOON: Car Shopping

Wait til you see the trunk! Honk. Honk. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

CARTOON: Bring Your Kid To Work Day

What's On The DVR?

Pixar Presents Keeping Up With The CARdashians Disney's…