Other Stuff Atlas Held Up On His Shoulders

The Sea

Of course, the sea is liquid, and it could not hold its shape and collapsed. Thus the wet tee-shirt contest was invented.


It wasn’t for agricultural purposes; he was just being punished for getting handsy.

His Grandmother’s Antique Sewing Machine

Granny Titan lived in an apartment six stories high with a narrow staircase and no elevator service. Added weight: her matronly lamentations of doom.


Prometheus may have taught humans how to steal fire, but Atlas taught his parrot how to steal feta. A few upper lips were scarred in the process.

Tension & Anxiety

Atlas had been consistent about his yoga practice but the stress of putting down Zeus’ insurrection left little time for self-care.

Big Mirror

Someone had to help the Sun snort all that cocaine!

The Entire Titan Softball Team

The only reason they were even halfway competitive with the Olympians was his mighty batting average.

Clashing Shoulder Tattoos

The adjective Dionysian was first used to describe the results of that memorable three-day bender with Pan.

Microphone Stand

His Karaoke rendition of “Under Pressure” was showstopping . . . when he twirled the mic stand and it slammed against the head of a drunk girl. The impact set off her latent psychic ability. The Oracle of Delphi was born.

A Bazooka

Zeus still kicked their ass, though.

(Not) a Boulder

Atlas would’ve held a boulder on his shoulders – it would’ve been the best workout of all – but Sisyphus never managed to roll it all the way up his back.

Shoulder Pads

This was during his ‘80s businesswoman phase. He also wore a protogoddamn lot of hairspray back then.

Six Golden Retriever Puppies

It would’ve been cute if Cronos hadn’t swallowed them all immediately thereafter.