Passover-Week Reviews of The White Lotus, Thailand 

This hotel is the “best in the world?” LOL. I stayed there during Passover, but I don’t remember signing up for a reenactment of the plagues. And if they were going to go the extra mile, maybe they should have actually read the Bible? It’s supposed to be frogs everywhere. NOT SNAKES. My grandmother got bitten. She almost died and she’s not even a firstborn.

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I just wanted a relaxing getaway with my family for Passover, but most of the time, I felt like I was drowning in the red sea. For the entire week, I was surrounded by crazy versions of the Four Sons. There was this wise guy who was constantly on his phone. That jerk was so loud we couldn’t even hear ourselves crunching Matzah. And I swear the hotel’s security guard was the son who didn’t even know how to ask for ID. Everyone was nosy and shady, including a lady with a southern drawl who I overheard wondering if I was “decent.”

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How is this five star hotel different from all the other five star hotels? THEY RUN OUT OF PERSONAL KITCHEN EQUIPMENT. I had specifically reserved a blender for my villa in advance, but some jacked twenty-something got to it first. How else was I supposed to liquify dates into symbolic brick mortar for the seder?

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Best vacation ever! I thought I was going to be bored the whole week without my phone and just the story of Passover in my Haggadah to read, but then there was a robbery!! Epic adventure.

The staff was the perfect combination of helpful and annoying. Our butler tried to teach us how to ask the four questions in Thai. He kept making us repeat the words over and over until it was the morning because he said we were saying it wrong. And it’s not like he could pronounce MATZAH either.

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ONE STAR. The statues were staring at me from all angles like looming Pharaohs so I couldn’t sleep a wink. Or maybe it was that asshole in the villa next door with his blender. ALSO, I threw out my back from those damn beds of affliction.

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They suck you in with pretty pictures and lies. Before booking, the owner herself promised us top notch service from prophets. She said, “Expect Elijah to visit your table sometime around midnight.” Well, we kept trying to get his attention with the biggest sea shell goblet full of wine, but he seemed to be more interested in trying to land one of the cougar celebrity guests.

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How can we “Zen” when your Zen people are constantly in our faces? They kept asking us about our personal goals. We’re here for Passover. Our goal for the entire week is to not come in contact with leavened bread.

And don’t talk to me about breathwork either. Dayenu. It’s enough already. Also, how could we relax when we kept hearing gunshots? I’m not superstitious, but I had to go into the village to find lamb’s blood to paint on my doorposts to ensure I got out of this place alive. If I’d have wanted close encounters with death, I’d have stayed at a Motel 6.

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I know it’s a wellness resort and we were doing Passover, but how is the restaurant Michelin rated if they literally served us bitter herbs for all eight days? The four cups of wine tasted like juiced grapes with ginger. And I swear that shank bone they prepped for us looked too human.

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The views were gorgeous but I felt like I was in ancient Egypt, not Thailand. At one point the water even turned blood red. Definitely Go.

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NEXT YEAR IN THE WHITE LOTUS, JERUSALEM??? Yeah right.