9:1 — Then the Lord said to Moses, “Go to Pharaoh and say to him: Thus says the Lord, Let my people go with a supply of laxatives.” And Moses said, “Why do we need laxatives?” And God said, “Did we not get up to the part where I command you to eat dry unleavened bread?” And Moses turned to the Lord and said, “Say what?”
10:1 — And it came to pass that the Lord hardened the hearts of the Egyptians. And Moses said, “Instead, why don’t you harden their bowels so they will experience how I am going to feel after eating all this unleavened bread?” And the Lord said, “I will consult with my team of angels and I shall get back to you.” And it was night and then it was day and then it was night again and the Lord said, “You may have laxatives for relief.” And the Lord continued, “For the Egyptians, I will throw in some constipation along with the death of the firstborn.”
12:3 — God called unto Moses and said, “Speak ye unto my people, saying: They shall take to them every man a lamb and they shall eat the flesh in the night; roast it with fire.” And Moses said, “Actually, juicy lamb doesn’t sound that bad.” And the Lord laughed and continued, “Burn it to an unrecognizable crisp on the altar and eat it with unleavened bread. And because I’m a merciful God; I also command you to consume natural laxatives in the form of green leafy herbs. But they shall be bitter.”
12:31 — In the middle of the night, Pharaoh called for Moses and said, “Get up and get out. Take all of your flocks and herds as you have asked.” Now Pharaoh was all backed up and so he said, “But you must leave me all your prune juice.”
14:22 — And just as the seas were parting, the fiber worked.
15:23 — They came to Marah, they could not drink the waters for they were bitter. And they were thirsty and dehydrated and they wanted something in which to dissolve the MiraLAX. And Moses said, “Now we’re really screwed.”
16:4 — Behold the Lord said unto Moses, “I will rain manna from the heavens for you.” And the people said, “If manna is anything like unleavened bread, we’ll pass.” And God said, “Have a little faith.” And the people went out and gathered a day’s portion at a time because they were fearful of stomach pangs. And they ate it and it was sweet and they were full and they found it had a nice laxative effect. But alas now, there were no working toilets in the desert.
32:4 — Then they rose up early and put burnt offerings and peace offerings upon the altar and the people sat down to eat and drink and make merry before the Golden Calf. And when the Lord saw this he was angry and he thought: “This might be the time to bring out my vengeful side and throw in some acid reflux.”
Somewhere between 33 and 40:38 — Moses cried unto the Lord saying, “The people are about to stone me; They can see the land of milk and honey from where we’re standing and are tired of having to constantly pop laxatives. Must we wander in this desert for a full forty years? And God said “Yes.” And He continued: “Just be grateful that all this while, you weren’t cursed with salmonella.”
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Rochelle is a writer and humorist and girl mom and DIY enthusiast and plant killer and copywriter and exercise hater and amateur designer and X Files fan and pizza lover and sparkling water drinker and non-baker and novelist-in-progress and bunny owner and daughter of an immigrant and NYer and…