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Tired of the current political climate and horrified over the depths our nation has sunk to in recent months? Worried that your desire to invoke real change is at direct odds with your inability to form basic human connections?

Our organization has been combating the ruinous tides of fascism since our forefathers fought (safely, from the mainland) in World War I. We’ve compiled a list of ways you, a passive patriot, can make a difference without leaving your living room. And with our tiered incentive plan, you can reap the rewards that come with each absolute-bare-minimum act of political defiance.

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Tier 1: “Like” your aunt’s vague Facebook post about a polarizing social issue.

You’ll get:

-a barrage of angry replies from your cousin in Texas who, despite having a Facebook feed filled with pictures of him posing with animal carcasses, has no qualms about calling you a murderer.

-A button that says “The Future is Female,” that your aunt bought on Etsy.

 

Tier 2: Click to sign a petition on Change.org

You’ll get:

-a coupon good for 10% off at the Etsy button shop

-the satisfaction of knowing your electronic voice is being added to millions of like-minded introverts.

-access to lots of other petitions for similar causes, that will flood your email inbox until your crumble under the emotional labor of supporting literally everything.

 

Tier 3: Texting your friends about that NPR thing you listened to

You’ll get:

-a “Feel the Bern” decal

-the accolades that come with passing on the opinions of someone smarter and more informed than you.

-maybe one of your friends might do something? Probably not, though.

 

Tier 4: Sharing your co-workers’s story about going door-to-door to register voters.

You’ll get:

-the button and the decal

-A t-shirt that says “Right is Wrong”

-to support people who are actually making a difference through personal engagement, even though the thought of doing that yourself makes you curl up in the fetal position and rock back and forth in the dark.

 

Tier 5: Email your local representative, using this form letter.

You’ll get:

-the button, decal, & t-shirt

-a mug with Mitch McConnell’s face that transforms into a sea serpent when a hot beverage is poured into it.

-to ensure your rep. receives 3,000 versions of the exact same copy-and-pasted political chain letter, spurring them to action, probably.

 

Tier 6: Call your state senator and leave a message on their already-full voicemail, telling them how to vote on a hot-button issue

-the button, decal, t-shirt, & the mug

-a copy of The Notorious RGB, with a homemade bookmark made from copies of her current health records.

-an embroidered handkerchief for mopping up your flop sweat at the possibility of someone actually answering the phone, like when you tried to order a pizza that one time and ended up tossing your phone in the East River.

 

Tier 7: Vote (absentee ballot, of course)

-all of the above

-Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez will scroll your name on the bottom of a memo attached to her new 90% Tax Plan.

-the ability to see democracy in action without having to sacrifice any of your time, money, or comfort level.

 

Thank you to all who are supporting our cause! We look forward to seeing your retweets and photoshopped memes soon.