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Donald Trump’s Totally Untrue and Fabricated Random Acts of Kindness

I was at the zoo. There was a baby rhino that wouldn’t drink its milk. None of the zookeepers were having any luck. Suddenly, a man emerged from the crowd that had formed. “Mind if I give it a shot?” It was Donald. He asked if I would hold his jacket as he climbed over the fence. He took that baby rhino, cradled it in his arms, and put the bottle in its mouth. As the rhino suckled, Donald caressed its head, and I could faintly hear him whisper, “It’s going to be okay, sweet one.”

CARTOON: Mugshot Masterpiece

Presidential Power to Mugshot Hour. Today's cartoon by Brandon Kicks.

CARTOON: Balloon Banter

My eyes are down here. Today's cartoon by Jeffrey Curnow.

21 Voting Groups Now Vying for the Position Formerly Held By Soccer Moms 

Badminton Aunts, Pinball Wizards, Pickleball Playing Bros, and more!

As the Mechanic Who Changed Your Tires, if the Car Goes 100 Mph I’ll Take All the Credit, but if the Wheels Fall Off You Can’t Blame Me

I’m not saying the wheels are going to fly off your car, but I’m also not saying that. You can’t blame me that Jimmy’s mom Susan came in wearing a new blouse from Kohl’s and I got a little distracted. She just got out of the hospital last week. Looking real fine for 97.

Thank You For Listening To Our Podcast!

And of course, Kate, we have to thank our fans. As two born-and-raised Californians, we couldn’t insert ourselves into Keystone local politics, sift through heaps of data you have no way of knowing were gathered accurately or ethically, and break it all down for you in-between absolutely incessant bickering week after week without listenership analytics that keep our production company happy.

Meet the Animal Mayors Running, Scampering, and Flying for Reelection in 2022

Tippy the Tortoise | Florida: Affectionately known as the “Marsh Monarch,” Tippy has been mayor of this coastal city for 95 years. He has seen mighty politicians rise and fall, and yet he has remained. Despite a rumored networth of $7B, he has been plagued by financial troubles: he has sired thousands of children and his exes are all extremely litigious.

CARTOON: Teed Off

Grave prospects. Today's cartoon by Ron Hauge.

CARTOON: Nosey

Don't sneeze. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: FloriDUH Math

Never adds up. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Upcoming Family Interventions

Uncle Frank: We’ve survived three Trump Thanksgivings. What we cannot stand for is you now finding God. Location: If you get vaccinated, your favorite restaurant.

Welcome to the Manchin-Sinema Diner.  I’m Todd, and I’ll Be Your Stonewaller This Evening

See, the owners, Joe and Kyrsten, have a real vision for this place.  They want it to appear to be a fully functioning restaurant, and bring in as many desperate customers as possible.  At the same time, they’re working with a conglomerate based in Qatar that plans to raze this building to the ground and replace it with a parking lot that’s convenient to absolutely nothing. 

Ass Weakly Magazine

In this issue of ASS Weakly: Excerpts from Andrew Cuomo New Book: Hands On Politics A Touchy Subject, Ooze With Cruz-Our Q&A With The Slimy Senator, and Ghislaine Maxwell Says "Get Out Of The Dark Ages! Women Can Be Creepy Perverts Too!"

Top Reasons Cited For Not Showing Up To The January 6th Committee

Back-to-back vice-presidential briefings for JFK Jr , Totally booked between Pro-Life rallies and secret abortions, and more!

Signs That Summer Is Almost Over...

Anti-vaxxers adding plenty of ivermectin to their pumpkin spice lattes. COVID infection stories on the news are all Back To School related. And more!

CARTOON: Vote Earth

Grow some gills and let's get wet. Today's cartoon by Tyson Cole.

Helpful Money Making Tips For Getting America Out Of Debt

Fees for vaccinations that contain an added boost of Cialis. Make Trump pay his fines to the IRS. And more!

Tips on How Newly Transformed Chinese American Mike Huckabee Can Assimilate Into Asian American Society

Accept your new reality. It does not matter how you got here – whether it was a Sailor Moon transformation sequence or more of a Power Rangers assemble situation – you’re now 100% authentic grade A Chinese-American. That’s what matters.

Welcome to Your Pandemic Airbnb Rental

We invite you to help yourself to the small collection of books in the living room. While the sampling of Danielle Steele and Bill O’Reilly’s Culture Warrior may cause you to roll your eyes and deduce that we are backwards idiots, please know we have made similar assumptions about you based upon your Vampire Weekend t-shirts and many cases of flavored seltzer.

Other Crazy QAnon Conspiracy Theories

Wearing a necklace of gluten around your neck will ward off Democrats. Socialists hold wet t-shirt contents using the tears of Jesus. And more!

CARTOON: IQAnon Test

And all we see is crazy. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Names for Trump’s New Political Party

Mein Pillow, Trump’s Chumps, Turd Reich, and more!

#PoliticalPopSongs

Oops...I Impeached Him Again, Putin on the Ritz, Filibust A Move, and more #PoliticalPopSongs on this week's trending joke game!

The Republican Twilight Zone

There is another dimension beyond all logic known to man. It is a dimension of arrogance as vast as space and as bottomless as voter fraud allegations. It is the middle ground between Mike Pence and Kelly Anne Conway, between science fiction and Trump Tweets. It lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of man’s maskless indoor gatherings. It is an area which we call... The Republican Zone.

CARTOON: Burning Question

Could get much better!? HAHAHAHA. Not! Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Fired and 14 Other Potential Magazine Covers for Trump

Creeple, Trolling Stoned, Poor Sports Illustrated, and more!

The Love Song of J. Electoral College Prufrock

No! I am not the magical elixir; / Am neither a remedy nor fixer / I’m not suited for this nation in this day and age, / When people in states red and blue must be more engaged...

Other Ways to Describe the Election Right Now Besides “A Real Nail-Biter”

An authentic democracy strainer, A good ol’ fashioned hope chomper, An honest-to-goodness reason for cable news anchors to tap smartboards and say “What are we looking at?” when what we’re looking at is actually nothing, and more!

My Aunt’s Facebook Status Election Coverage

Have I ever mentioned how much I hate squirrels? I swear they’re taking over this country. Vote to keep out the squirrels! HAHA. I pepper spray them and they don’t even move.

CARTOON: Senate Tales!

Our American JUST US System In Action! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

My House has Been on Fire for the Past Four Years but I’m Still Undecided About Calling the Fire Department

Hey there, new neighbor! Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the roaring blaze destroying my home. Have I decided if I should call the fire department or not? No, I haven’t, not yet at least. I still need more time. What am I waiting for? I’m not sure if they’ll make the state of my home any better. Yes, we’ve been running out of air and visibility for awhile now, but isn’t the fire department just as bad? 

CARTOON: Elephant in the Room

The elephant in the room. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! The King and Queen Have the Bubonic Plague!

Doth not tremble in cowardliness! Though many of us have fallen from these maladies and the King hast told us to do nothing to prevent the maladies from ravaging many of us, there is no reason to believe his wisdom won’t lead him to victory.

Seven New Rules to Ensure the Second Presidential Debate will be more Presidential than the First

Rule #2: The moderator will have the ability to mute a candidate's microphone if he fails to give the other candidate an opportunity to speak. The candidate in violation will be docked an electoral vote from a battleground state of his opponents choosing.

CARTOON: Mitch's Simple Rules

Consistent government is our best chance. Today's cartoon by David Ostow.

CARTOON: Vlads Lads

And more juggling jokes of a government... Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Hot Air

Yet we feel deflated. Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: RNC Speakers

Really stacking that talent roster. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

CARTOON: Every Boat Counts

Just get in the F#cking boat. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

Other Ways That Trump Will Probably Try To Distract Us From The Pandemic 

Play a few rounds of golf in the Arlington National Cemetery.  And more!

CARTOON: The Little Dutchboy 2020

The tiny fingers won't work. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Peaced Out

This ain't no dove glove. Today's cartoon by Joe Wos.

Trump's Other Photo-Op's You Might Have Missed

Trump used tear gas to clear peaceful protesters so he could have a photo op with a bible and a church. But there were other photo ops you might have missed!

CARTOON: Jarring

I swear we need a bigger jar. Today's cartoon by Catherine Martha Holmes.

FICTION: Ivanka Run: Chapter 1- Greetings from Crimea

After years on the lam, world-class criminal mastermind Ivanka Trump must come out of hiding to find her long-lost husband.

Revised Rides at Reopening Disney Shanghai

If You Thought It Was A Small World Before, Just Wait A Few More Weeks, The Tower of Terrible Tik Toks, Don't Splash Anything On Me Mountain, and more.

CARTOON: Pence Sense

Solid Pence Sense. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Signed Out

Some leave their mark with positive action, others...Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

One Last Candidate to Add to the Ring

But this is not the time for radical ideas like electing anyone but the flesh and blood equivalent of a jar of mayonnaise, and I was named “Most Likely to Actually Be Jar of Mayonnaise” in high school!

CARTOON: Home Office

Lead by example, Будем здоровы! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

CARTOON: Debatable

The job interview process is a pain. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: Pardon Me?

More Trump Pardons. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Flies the Democratic Candidates Are Dropping Like

Flies who could have been a great candidate and now everyone kind of regrets ignoring them.

CARTOON: The Winner

The results are finally in. Today's cartoon by Kim Warp.

CARTOON: Stone Cold

Roger Stone's Prison Tattoo. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

How Cheers Characters Would Be Voting in 2020

Sam Malone (bartender/owner): Elizabeth Warren, Robin Colcord (industrialist/Grey Poupon enthusiast): Tom Steyer, Lilith Sternin (psychiatrist/professional dom): Amy Klobuchar, and more!

CARTOON: Blooming Prospects

Both crave attention. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Cards Against Sean Hannity

We can all agree that 'Cards Against Humanity' is a nifty game, right?  We got to thinking,  though, and  came to the conclusion that, since Sean Hannity isn’t technically an actual human, he should get his own version of the game.  Only seems fair, we figure. So we took real Hannity quotes to make...

CARTOON: Oh Shoot

Let's triple check that one. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

This is Not the Republican Party I Slept With in College

I imagine if we tried to get intimate these days, you’d get all bristly and say, “So, I suppose you want me to GIVE you an orgasm? You want me to just GIVE you one? Everybody wants a handout!”

CARTOON: Why I Liked Your Tweet: An Infographic

Fat Fingers, Pity, and more.

Remakes Of 90's Teen Movies For Today's Politics

Never Been Kissed By Joe Biden, Dazed & Confused About The Electoral College, Can't Hardly Wait For This To Be Over, and more!

Talkward w/ guests Michael Bleicher & Andy Newton

This episode of Talkward welcomes comedy writers and authors Michael Bleicher and Andy Newton! The humor writing duo has been published in McSweeney's, Points In Case, Crack The Spine and Weekly Humorist. They discuss their writing process, the power of Google Docs, and the state of the world. Their debut novel "From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts" a satirical road trip comedy taking place during the events of the 2016 election is on sale now from imprint Humorist Books.

CARTOON: Drastic Measures

Unthinkable! Today's cartoon by David DeGrand and Rob Kutner.

CARTOON: Discerning Depths

Sinking feeling? Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Scary Stories to Tell During an Election Cycle

Although from under his bridge he might tweet and offend / Don’t think for one second it won’t happen again. 

CARTOON: The President Lends His Support To Brett Kavanaugh

The Sharpie is mightier then the facts. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

New Rules for Classic Games

Sorry: In this reboot of the classic board game winning involves finding a way to not say sorry or even accept responsibility for anything you’ve done. Bonus points are awarded if you can find a way to work the phrase “Sorry, not sorry” into an appearance on a mainstream news panel.

EXCLUSIVE BOOK EXCERPT: 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts' ~ Buy It Today!

First chapter excerpt of the new political satire novel 'From the Campaign Trail or Thereabouts'. Now available from Humorist Books!

CARTOON: Bolton Bolts

Let's get bombed. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

A Gaslight in the Attic: Toilet Tweeting

It doesn’t matter that / It’s three in the morning / I’ll tweet up a storm / I’ll send out a warning!

Everybody in This Country Needs to Chill Out and That's Why I'm Voting for Jimmy Buffett in 2020

Mahalo, friends. Does the current political climate have you…

Thoughts on Choosing a 2020 Democratic Candidate, or Which Subway to Take Home at Night

Instead of going all the way, it's stopping somewhere in the middle. It's still running, but on a different platform than I expected. I don't feel safe with this choice after 11pm. And more!

CARTOON: Debatable

Debatable demo. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

This Turd In A Box Is Our Last Best Chance

Remember back in 2016, where we all jokingly named things we would vote for before we ever cast a vote for Donald Trump? A newly-sentient potato, a painted rock, a sack of dirty hair? Well, now’s our chance to put our money where are mouths are, and support this turd in a box with all the passion we can muster.

CARTOON: Bottoms Up

Vote to save our livers! Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

CARTOON: Trump Agreement

Finally something we all can agree on! Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Looney Tunes Episodes, if Cartoons Were as Political Today as They Were When Bugs Bunny Killed Hitler

Tired of being "othered," Marvin the Martian becomes politically active. A technologist at heart, he is initially attracted to the libertarian party, but quickly realizes that none of their policies are effective in the real world. Instead, he joins the Democratic Socialists of America.

Official List Of Other Things That You're Prohibited From Doing In Alabama

Brushing your teeth, Dating outside of your gene pool, Math and more.

CARTOON: Big Banged

99 year sentences. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

CARTOON: TrumpCrow

Repel and replace. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Please Contribute to our Passive Activism Patreon

Our organization has been combating the ruinous tides of fascism since our forefathers fought (safely, from the mainland) in World War I. We've compiled a list of ways you, a passive patriot, can make a difference without leaving your living room.

#TopRedactedWords

'Hamberders', 'Pee Pee Tape', 'Who's Tiffany?' and many more #TopRedactedWords in this week's hashtag game!

Beyoncé's Imagined Presidential Platforms

Political Beliefs: To the left, to the left.

CARTOON: TrumpCare

Gotta keep the tweeter healthy. Today's cartoon by Kit Lively and David DeGrand.

I’m Goofy, Lovable Joe Biden, and I Endorse This Attack Ad Against That Other Joe Biden

So just say “No” to Joe Biden who makes you squirm and “Yes” to Joe Biden the closest thing to Obama’s third term. I’m woke 2010s Joe Biden, and I endorse this message against stodgy 1990s Joe Biden.”

CARTOON: Barred Mueller Report

Barr totally read the Mueller Report, so you don't have to. Like CliffsNotes! Stop asking so many questions. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

CARTOON: Real March Madness

Which Cinderella story is making it all the way...to the final downfall? Click to see the full bracket! Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

Things About Beto That Bother Trump (Even More Than The Wild Hand Gestures)

That wife of his sure seems to like him an awful lot. Very suspicious...

Ted Bundy for President in 2020!

Google “Ted Bundy” + “charming,” and you get over 320,000 hits. If you think Cory Booker can match those numbers, think again.

CARTOON: Running

Throwing tiny hat with a squirty flower in the ring. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

11 Times Politics Ruined Game Night

How politics ruined Guess Who: “Seriously dude, this whole ‘I don’t see color’ bullshit is really slowing down each round.”

What You May Have Missed During The Michael Cohen Testimony

Cohen wasn't stymied by any of the questions, but rather simply distracted by the "Dress Your Own Baked Potato" bar that was being set up just off camera.

CARTOON: Degrading

Degrading. Today's cartoon by Evan Lian.

CARTOON: Wallnuts

Allergic to both? Today's cartoon by Paul Lander and Dan McConnell.

CARTOON: How Donald Trump Uses Executive Time

An illustrated guide to the important daily activities of our commander-in-cheese.

The Grinch Can Keep Christmas This Year, I Am Tired

Every year we entertain the Grinch by playing along as he tries to ‘steal’ Christmas, but this year he can keep it–I am tired.

Donnie’s Book Report About the Witch Hunt

Hi. My name is Donnie, and what I am going to do is I am going to do a book report. The book report I am going to do is about the Witch Hunt book we read in class during silent reading time.

I Am from the Future and I’m Here to Sell You Magazines

Perhaps you would like to buy a package to Cosmo? You could learn all the latest tips to spice up your love life! I just wouldn’t try too hard. Abortion isn’t exactly going to be an option for you starting about…what is it, December?...three months from now. If you get Cosmo, you can also purchase a Sports Illustrated subscription for half the price!

Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN'T Break

I am so pumped! Yesterday was an amazing victory for me, as I attempted a very simple skateboard trick, flipped into the air a thousand times, crashed face first into the cement, and managed to not break 47% of the bones in my body. I think I speak for everyone -- from the girls at the skatepark who wept in horror at the sight of me to the paramedics who vomited when they saw my mangled body -- when I say HELL YES, this was a complete and total victory for me as a skateboarder and anyone saying otherwise is fake news.

Weekly Humorist Voting Tips

Once you've voted, please don't then call the voting location every fifteen minutes or so in an attempt to find out the results. The results will be shown later on TV. You remember how much you love your TV, right?

CARTOON: Migrant Caravan

Though, maybe avoid any large moving mobs for now. Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

CARTOON: Trump Blimp in USA

Everything else, pretty accurate. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

Dr. Frankenstein Describes That Time He Made Beto O’Rourke

I now begin to collect the materials necessary for my new creation,…

Reasons to Complain about Merkel

The immigrants. I mean she just let them in. All those…

Easy Costume = Creative Topical Halloween Success!

Tattoos of everyone's name that you've met over the past several hours = Pete Davidson. And more.

CARTOON: Honest Voter Stickers

"I Voted...because the sticker matches my sense of civic duty, and also my new fall coat." Today's cartoon by Ali Solomon.

Drunk Cartoon: Hurricane Wall

This will be the wettest most watery rain we've had. Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein.

I Will Protest Nike by Burning All of My Shoes

And starting this week, I am taking my protest to the streets! This is because my message is gaining ground, and also because my house burned down in a shoe-related fire.

This Is Not The America I Recognize From The Back Of All Those State Quarters

This is not the America that we were promised--the America on the back of all those commemorative state quarters from 18 years ago. The ones with all the pictures on them. Illinois is still a ginormous picture of Abe Lincoln wearing an unbuttoned shirt that reveals way too much of his chest. Waaay too much of his chest.

CARTOON: Drive-Thru

Nine cheeseburgers and a diet coke? Can you repeat that Mr. President?' Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein and Kit Lively

More Offensive Jackets Worn By Melania

Many were shocked and appalled by the First Lady’s lack of…

Overheard At The G7 Summit...

"G7? Aw, man... I could've had a V8!" "Hey, what's with…

Products Affected By China's New Tariffs

Lizard-Innard Flavored Twizzlers George Foreman's At-Home…

Mr. Assad, We Find This One Specific Type Of Murder Unacceptable

Dear Mr. Assad, We, the collected powers of France, the…

Do Not Push the Red Button

Adviser 1: President Trump, there is a big, red button…

Hope Hicks Updated LinkedIn Profile

Hope Hicks Former White House Communications Director, current…

Famous Ernest Hemingway Quotes Adjusted for the Age of Trump

"All you have to do is write one fake sentence. Write the fakest…

Titles Of Political Satire Pieces I Started This Week And Got Too Depressed To Finish

As I scratch my mosquito bites from last night and watch…

Wikileaks Releases Cease and Desist Order From EPA to Mother Nature

From the office of Pruitt, Scott Administrator, Environmental…

Big Boy Donny’s Birthday Party

“I want a ball, I want a party Pink…

Trump's First 100 Days

The biggest accomplishments by the Trump Administration during…

President Trump Welcomes the First Pet

“Black crows in the meadow Across a broad highway Though…

Brexit Up Is Hard To Do

The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1)…

White House Confidential: Overheard During Trump’s First Week In Office

Anyone got a thesaurus? I’m running out of synonyms for the…

Phone Messages Left on My Senator’s Voicemail

[BEEP!] Hey, there! It’s Andy. I was just calling to check…

President Trump's First News Conference

"We take you to Washington D.C. where President Trump is about…

Grizzly Bears I Would Have Totally Shot at School

Conor, 5th Grade (Spelling Class) Conor was pretty much the…

Obama Sticky Notes

Sticky notes that President Obama has left around Washington…

Victory speech transcript from the 2116 Elections

Back to the future: so much can change in so little time Thank…

Six Republican Men You’d Totally Invite into the Bathroom with Your Daughter

We’ve all been there: watching your young daughter walk into…

Potentially Delicious Items from the 2016 DNC Concession Menu

Hill-a-refried Beans $25.00 We in the food service industry…

DNC Drinking Game!

Drink every time someone says that they are NOT Donald Trump Drink…