Anyone got a thesaurus? I’m running out of synonyms for the word “lies.”
Where should we put the bust of Omarosa?
Does the White House bowling alley have bumpers? Never mind, I’ll just have Kellyanne go on CNN and tell everyone I bowled a perfect game.
The Washington Monument is making me feel really self-conscious, can we make it shorter?
What do you mean I have to wake up before 10am? Don’t you know I was up all night tweeting?!
Yes, Mr. President, I can cook you anything you like. Today’s specials include a pork loin with fresh thyme, a roasted duck with—what’s that? Well-done steak with ketchup it is.
How much taxpayer money would it take to turn the Oval Office into a rhombus?
I can’t read this letter Barack left me, did he write it in Kenyan or something? …Cursive? What’s cursive?
Tell the New York Times that they’re banned from press briefings until they make their crossword easier. That or replace it with a word search.
I really need to pee, can someone tell me where the Obamas used to sleep?
Did any of Hillary’s emails happen to mention a good Chinese place that’ll deliver at this hour?
How many sick days do I have and can I use them all now?
Can’t we make the nuclear launch codes something easier to remember? How about 0000, which also happens to be both my ATM pin number and the amount I paid in taxes last year.
You’re telling me that Yugoslavia doesn’t exist anymore? But I want to nuke it now!
Can someone get Putin on the phone? I think he left his wallet on my nightstand.
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Bennett Kleinman is a writer living in Manhattan, New York. He currently contributes to ClickHole, and in the past has written for Late Show with David Letterman, Impractical Jokers, and truTV’s Almost Genius. In addition, he’s a member of the NYC-based sketch comedy team Cool Kid Comedy. Feel free to follow Bennett on twitter @bennettkleinman if you’d like to, although no worries if you’d rather not.