Pros and Cons of Becoming a Vampire 

Pro: Won’t get any new wrinkles.

Con: Stuck with the existing frown lines.

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Pro: Can easily make new friends by turning them into vampires.

Con: New friends will resent me for making them into vampires without asking first.

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Pro: Can sleep in as late as I want.

Con: Won’t get to see the sun.

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Pro: Will finally get over my fear of blood.

Con: Will become obsessed with blood to an unhealthy degree.

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Pro: Won’t ever have to go grocery shopping or cook again.

Con: No more Uber Eats.

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Pro: Won’t need to keep up with the latest fashion trends since can’t see myself in the mirror.

Con: Won’t know if there’s blood smeared on my face.

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Pro: Will have a reason to start a gang and call ourselves “The Lost Girls.”

Con: Will have to keep explaining the connection to the 1987 film “The Lost Boys” featuring Kiefer Sutherland.

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Pro: Won’t get invited into people’s homes anymore.

Con: Won’t have an excuse to bail on going out after 9 pm.

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Pro: Will finally have a cool rivalry with werewolves.

Con: Will have to explain to my dog why we are suddenly arch-rivals.

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Pro: Won’t have to set aside a sizable chunk of change for funeral expenses.

Con: Will have to invest in a premium coffin and replace the memory foam pad every year in perpetuity.

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Pro: Won’t have to pay taxes as tax laws are for humans.

Con: An overzealous single-minded IRS employee with a checkered past will become obsessed with tracking me down and making me pay for decades of back taxes, passing down her vendetta from generation to generation, kind of like Buffy the Vampire Slayer but less interesting.

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Pro: Will get to say, “I told you so,” about all the things I was right about in the future.

Con: Everyone I’ll want to say it to will be dead.