Some Totally Normal Thoughts I Had After Getting Pooped on by a Bird

Just a little poop on my jacket, it’ll wash right off.

These things happen.

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s totally fine.

But why is it so wet?

Is it a poop or a pee?

Or a combo…

Anyway, it’s good luck.

I think.

Do people say that? Did I hear that somewhere?

I could use a bit of luck.

But what do I need luck for? Is it something specific?

Does this bird know something I don’t know??

Oh God, it’s also in my hair!

Is this how people get the avian flu? Am I patient zero of a new pandemic??

Must go to the hospital ASAP.

Should I get one of those bubble suits? Wonder if Amazon sells them.

It’s probably fine though. It’s just a little poop.

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s totally fine.

Though that bird looked familiar.

Pretty sure I scared it when it was trying to snatch a bagel off the sidewalk.

It might be revenge. People were walking behind me and in front of me, and yet it chose to poop on me. Why me? I am not even wearing bright colors. Are birds color-blind? No, that’s dogs I think.

Yup, this has “vendetta” written all over it. I’ve been marked.

The splatter looks like a Rorschach pattern. Have I seen this shape before? The bird is trying to tell me something. Or maybe it’s working through its parents’ divorce. Either way, it can’t be good.

Divorce happens all the time. Probably more frequently than marriage these days.

Wait, is that statistically possible?

The pattern looks angry, kinda like a threat to kidnap a loved one.

I should probably not wash off the poop in case someone can decipher the message. Where can I find one of those Bletchley Park code-breaking people?

If I don’t wash it off though, it will undoubtedly ruin this coat.

Do I even like this coat? I’ve been thinking lately that it doesn’t look great on me.

Maybe the bird did me a favor, like bird fashion police, pooping on jackets that are out of style.

I’ll donate this jacket.

But then the cycle will continue on someone else. I can’t be part of proliferating the pooping, it’s unconscionable.

Where did I land with going to the hospital?

Might as well go. For the sake of humanity. Maybe I’ll get a medal. Posthumously, of course. Since it’s obviously too late for me.

I still have to decide what to do with this coat…

What did I just step in? Dog poop??

Just a little poop on my boots, it’ll wash right off.

These things happen.

It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s totally fine.

Is dog poop bad luck?

Does it negate the good luck from bird poop?? Will ask at the hospital.

Wonder if I should get rid of these boots…